a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 How important is it to men married or planning to marry that their spouse takes their last name? Curious to get an opinion from men.... and for that matter women who are for or against it. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 For me personally, I have always been of the opinion that a wife taking the husband's last name is the proper thing to do. Not just because it's traditional, but also because it signifies a unity between the two parties. Now, I understand that women who are in, for instance, the entertainment industry, would prefer to retain their last names for purposes of recognition. Neither of my wives took my last name, despite my feelings about it. At the time I didn't know if it was because they felt their last name was particularly important (I mean, I know it's important, but it's not like their last name was Kennedy or Onassis or something like that) or it was their way of showing me their independent streak. Frankly, it hurt because in a sense I felt that my last name was being rejected by them. I won't get married again, but if I did, I would still feel the same way about it and ask my betrothed to take my last name. Would it be a deal-breaker if she said no? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 Slub did they give you a reason why they should keep their last names? I am very curious about how much this may or may not hurt a man because I am kinda stuck in a predicament with this myself. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I personally think it is the right thing to do for the women to take the man's last name when she marries .. If you don't what will the kids last name if you have any after married will the child have two last names or one and how will you chose which one? I just think it is too much for a child to have to learn to write when going to school .. Just MO Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Slub did they give you a reason why they should keep their last names? No, they didn't, and I didn't push the issue. When the issue was discussed, they both made it clear that they wanted to keep their last names. I didn't ask for a reason, because their mind was already made up and nothing was to be gained by questioning them about it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 How important is it to men married or planning to marry that their spouse takes their last name? my ex-wife did not want to take my last name and we got in a big fight about it. that was the summer of 1993. she then compromised and said she would hyphenate. I said OK....big mistake. It was a precursor of things to come. One week into our marriage I knew I had f***ed up marrying her. We divorced 3 yrs later. If a woman does not respect and Love a man enough to take his last name then she shold not be marrying him. End of story Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 Wow I am kinda shocked at how important you find taking a name is. Why is it so important to you? Really deep down what is it? The problem I have is that I have built a great reputation in my field of work. I have also lived with my own name for 37 years. I find it hard to give it up for some reason..... I don't know exactly why. H and I had a couple of discussions about this, I can read him pretty well and even tho he could see the logic of it he still seemed hurt to me. I hate to hurt his feelings but for some damn reason taking his name on all levels leaves me with a bit of a sour feeling.. .... hard to explain or put into words why I am so attached to my own last name. As stupid as it seems I am really torn about such a silly thing. To this day I still have my own name and am getting ready to tackle some projects which my name will be lent to. I am worried that if I sign off on it with my name he will hurt. a4a- I would date willy wonka just for the chocolate Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 As stupid as it seems I am really torn about such a silly thing. was everything else traditional in your courtship and wedding? did he give you a ring? did you have a big wedding? did he ask you to marry him? did you wear a nice wedding gown? was everything traditional pretty much? if so then you should do another traditional thing which is to take his last name. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 The problem I have is that I have built a great reputation in my field of work. I have also lived with my own name for 37 years. I find it hard to give it up for some reason..... I don't know exactly why. a4a- I would date willy wonka just for the chocolate A career is about the only reason I can justify to keep your last name. A lot of careers it is critical to keep your name in the community and be will known by that name that you have worked so hard to make credible in your work field. But depending on the career, changing your name won't have as big as impact on you as you think. I know a lot of Doctors and even some lawyers that hang their degrees, licenses, etc in their place of business and it is important for their name to be the same as it appears on those documents. For the women that were married after the fact I can see them keeping their name for that reason. But this is clearly a discussion to have before marriage and not after the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 was everything else traditional in your courtship and wedding? did he give you a ring? did you have a big wedding? did he ask you to marry him? did you wear a nice wedding gown? was everything traditional pretty much? if so then you should do another traditional thing which is to take his last name. No Alpha I would say it was very very untraditional on the most part. I never bought into the marriage thing as being "dreamy". As a matter a fact I do not wear my ring most of the time because it is likely to get damaged or lost with the work I do....... also can be dangerous at times. Yes we did have a big wedding...... no to the traditional gown... tasteful summer outdoor wedding on the horse ranch. He did propose after we discussed the benefits and negative aspects of taking that step at length. I persued him in this relationship as a weekend thing only..... but we enjoyed things so much that we did decide to get married, this is his first marriage as well at the age of 36. No kids planned so not worried about last names for that situation. I do not really like the Mr. and Mrs. title..... I never dreamed of getting married, or about a wedding day as some women may or do. I never got excited about seeing me as Mrs. on paper, or being called his wife. However we have a great relationship and I would consider him my best friend, as well as being the most important person in my life. But I cannot figure out for the life of me why taking his last name bothers me. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 But I cannot figure out for the life of me why taking his last name bothers me. because A4A....you are the dominant party in the relationship and changing your last name would be seen as "weak" or a loss of power. if he is cool with you "wearing the pants" then that is fine but I couldn't do it myself. you not changing you name is basically a show of strength.... As a matter a fact I do not wear my ring most of the time because it is likely to get damaged or lost with the work I do. what do you do? make pizzas? Link to post Share on other sites
Jennna Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 You guys are being silly. a4a, your a professional, therefore, keep your last name. That should be the end of it. Just like Lawyers DO keep their last name because do you know what a PITA it is to change your bar/license etc? Someone mentioned "poor kids" not knowing their last name .. Well, as a lawyer women, the child will have the daddys name of course.. Some women keep their last name because they are not OK on the financial/credit end like there SO may be... keep accounts sparate without hurting his credit. There is nothing wrong with keeping your last name. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 because A4A....you are the dominant party in the relationship and changing your last name would be seen as "weak" or a loss of power. if he is cool with you "wearing the pants" then that is fine but I couldn't do it myself. you not changing you name is basically a show of strength.... what do you do? make pizzas? nah Alpha I do not just wear the pants.... depends on the situation we leave room for each other to contribute to decisions ect. I does annoy me if we get an invitation as Mr. and Mrs....... I just got an award for my work and his last name was used on it. It does bother me. Why I do not know. The situation coming up with work again will probably rub this in his face.... I feel awful about hurting him but cannot let go of a feeling that perhaps my own identity will be lost ...... or some other BS thing I cannot get a grip on to pin point exactly what it is. as for my work I am a coroner just kiddin' a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Someone has to give up their last name. Traditionally, it's the woman. To go against social tradition with something like a name is asking for problems. People who's name is a trademark are about the only exception, and even then many times it's still only a stage name. If you hyphenate, the kids will be made fun of, you'll get funny looks, etc. Some things you just do because it's the way it's done. You don't have to conform, but you'll get grief for it. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 nah Alpha I do not just wear the pants.... depends on the situation we leave room for each other to contribute to decisions ect. I does annoy me if we get an invitation as Mr. and Mrs....... I just got an award for my work and his last name was used on it. It does bother me. Why I do not know. The situation coming up with work again will probably rub this in his face.... I feel awful about hurting him but cannot let go of a feeling that perhaps my own identity will be lost ...... or some other BS thing I cannot get a grip on to pin point exactly what it is. as for my work I am a coroner just kiddin' a4a For me this seems so wierd I would be so proud to see Mrs. so & so when I get married. but I am traditional, and also my carreer it would not be a make it or break it thing if I changed my name. But your idenity has changed you have become a part of something new a union and to me at least the name change siginfies that. It's symbolic like the ring and unless you work with machinery there is no reason not to wear it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Someone has to give up their last name. Traditionally, it's the woman. To go against social tradition with something like a name is asking for problems. i agree KENYTH... I know A4A is not planning on having kids but in the even she did can you just see her 6 yr old daughter asking her why her and daddy have different last name cause everyone elses parents all have the same last name. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 i agree KENYTH... I know A4A is not planning on having kids but in the even she did can you just see her 6 yr old daughter asking her why her and daddy have different last name cause everyone elses parents all have the same last name. A lot of people hyphenate. I wish i did I am not even witht he a$$ anymore and my daughter doesn't have the same last name as me and She hasn't seen her dad in 7 years, but we werenever married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 i agree KENYTH... I know A4A is not planning on having kids but in the even she did can you just see her 6 yr old daughter asking her why her and daddy have different last name cause everyone elses parents all have the same last name. Hell Alpha in this day and age because of divorce and single parents or where the Daddy is not even known many kids have separate last names.... I have a different last name then my half sister and then my step father... it never bothered me one bit growing up. No big deal at all. How would men feel if they were to change their last names to their wives? Why is it so important to change my name..... is it based on religious traditional importance for many? Does it hurt a mans ego if in public his wife uses her own name in a way sort of dismisses him as not being important enough to use his last name? In the sense that everyone else has a wife with the husbands last name and I do not want to be different or look like an ass to other men? I appreciate your input. Very enlightening journey for me to figure out why this BS is bothering me to the point where it seems to have become an issue. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 A lot of people are gay too. A lot of people are Goth. It doesn't matter. Different gets attention and usually the unwanted kind. If you must, hyphenate your name, but at least let the children only have a single last name. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 In the sense that everyone else has a "FAMILY" with the husbands last name and I do not want to be different or look like an ass to other "PEOPLE". With the exception of the two word changes I made, that's about it in a nutshell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 A lot of people are gay too. A lot of people are Goth. It doesn't matter. Different gets attention and usually the unwanted kind. If you must, hyphenate your name, but at least let the children only have a single last name. hey why not just have a new husband and wife just pick a brand new last name together for both of them a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 hey why not just have a new husband and wife just pick a brand new last name together for both of them a4a If that works for them, why not? You may get grief from the parents though. Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 because i liked it better than his. because its been with me since birth. because i AM NOT his property. Slaves in the south took their master's last name. Ask HIM if he would take YOUR last name. He probably wouldn't so why should you take his?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 Kenyth so primarily it is because you are worried about how others will precieve you/your relationship if your wife chose to keep her own last name? What is your opinion as to me keeping my own name, how would you precieve us as a couple.. and as individuals based on the fact that were introduced to you as being married but with our seperate names being used..... (Alpha made his point stating I wore the pants in the family). What would be yours? Be blunt ...... please. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 because i liked it better than his. because its been with me since birth. because i AM NOT his property. Slaves in the south took their master's last name. Ask HIM if he would take YOUR last name. He probably wouldn't so why should you take his?? Quote: Originally Posted by a4a In the sense that everyone else has a "FAMILY" with the husbands last name and I do not want to be different or look like an ass to other "PEOPLE". With the exception of the two word changes I made, that's about it in a nutshell. Sorry to reiterate, but there are enough problems in life without adding stupid ones to them. Link to post Share on other sites
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