Wife just found out... please help me, I am am feeling very sick, in shock...

[newbby]

It's like telling a teenager NOT to smoke...Give them all the facts on why not to smoke...Then they do it anyway. Know why? Cuz they can and cuz they cannot fully understand the future illnesses/diseases that it can do to them.

 

 

no its not really like that at all. thats insulting and implies the ow has the mind of a teenager.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that you took it that way, I used a bad example then and I'm not implying any OW has a mind like a teen. Just when someone has an idea about doing something and their intent is to DO IT anyway, there is no changing their minds...That's all I meant.

 

People are going to do what they're gonna do -With advice or without it. All I can do is try my best to discourage (like Mandy) the situation from happening.

 

Me telling OW that putting themselves in a situation and it will cause them pain, awful pain, not only to themselves, but to the unsuspecting spouse and possible children involved is usually something some OW can put blinders on to. Not want to see/hear what the awful outcome will be...

[newbby]

i think sometimes it is wise to look at ones own advice and see if the problem lies with your advice. it is like a teacher blaming a student for not learning otherwise. there are many reasons why people find themselves in situations or willingly enter into situations, that might not be apparent. for example bringing up the wifes pain as a reason for somebody who is feeling very in pain, not to do something is absolutely useless in my opinion. when somebody is in pain it is almost impossible to imagine anothers pain, unless that person is in pain over anothers pain, in which case pointing out others peoples pain just causes further distress. this is just my opinion and probably people find my advice equally useless i dont know and i do appreciate that if intent to help is coming from the right place, that that will shine through regardless.

[Leilao1]

As confusing as it may appear to you this is not so uncommon. He is in love with you and thinking of leaving, she wants to keep him so she is playing a wise woman. She can's keep this up for long time and sonner or later the rage will come out. Try to relax and change the tune, but aslo be yourself and honest. No, this is not normal. Even if she did not care for him she would still be mad. I don't know what else to say. Every marriage deserves a chance, but the ones with paralel long term affairs are really questionable. I don't think there is a fullfilment or quality in that marrige - obvioulsy.

[seachange]

Alright, time for Owl to throw a monkey wrench into the works.

 

Given the extremely uncharacteristic response from his wife, I've been wondering one thing...

 

Are you SURE this was his wife you talked to?

 

Sounded to me like this COULD have been ANOTHER OW that you spoke with, as opposed to a wife. Most (admittedly not all) people don't react the way that you described...but it DID sound like someone who could have been having sport at your expense. He sounds like a practiced 'player'...

 

What do you think?

 

Throwing my own 2 cents in to this one - nah. Interesting possibility, but seriously, I really don't think so. Of course, I'm just going on my own instincts and my experience as a BS. But I must say, I find it very interesting that so many people - even Owl! - are so surprised by the wife's reaction. Seems entirely possible to me, especially considering she had been through it before in a previous marriage, had had time to think about what she wanted to do, knew she had the upper hand, at least for the moment (because she knew something the OW didn't know, which in a situation like this means EVERYTHING - it's means she feels she's on the "inside" with the M, leaving the OW on the "outside". Which is a lot of what the feeling of betrayal from affairs is all about.)

 

As for me, when I was the BS, I was a hysterical mess. But then, my husband didn't include me in the inner circle of knowledge - I was on the outside by the time I knew there was an outside to be on. But if you're afraid you're losing someone, and they give you a secret, then yes, you feel a bit more secure. You might even enjoy wielding it against your perceived enemy. Which is what I believe she did - but I also suspect she did it less to torment Depressed than to torment her husband, who had to sit there listening to it all. That may sound creepy and strange, but really, it's just cold fury. She was just lashing out in a very subtle, quietly angry, calculated way.

[DepressedWaiting]

Owl,

 

No the theory you had is very wrong. This was 100% without a doubt his wife I spoke to. He has never had an affiar with anyone else except me. I might not know anything at all in this world but this I know for sure. It's not like that. He isn't the type who has multiple affairs. He knew me for many years before meeting his wife and getting married. We always had this incredibly strong attraction for each other beyond animal attraction. But I NEVER let him get into my pants or have a relationship with me. I was around 19 then and too young and a late bloomer.

 

I matured late and wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone whatsoever back then. It might sound strange but I had other priorites and things to resolve within myself first. I then moved and lost contact with him for about an entire year. Then he got married and we resumed contact as friends. He now says if he knew me back then the way he knows me now he would have NEVER ever gotten married and that he made a huge mistake.

 

He is the first man I have ever been involved with. He took my virginity when I was 22 1/2 years old. I'm 25 now. When I tell him I think he is really digusting and a pig and ask him why he is like this and how he could cheat on his wife and also be doing this with me... his response is that he made a huge mistake and that what he is doing with me he never thought he could ever do because he was not one to ever cheat on a women and never has before me.

 

I knew him when I was 14.... he NEVER got involved with me until I was around 22 though so there is nothing gross going on with that. He's 45 so he's 20 years older than I am. I know it's quite a big age gap but I've always been attracted to older men only.

 

Sorry for posting all this is it's boring information. Just thought I'd write a few more details about him.

 

But oh well, it really looks like this man whom I've just known forever and who is like family to me really screwed me the heck over. I still NEED answers, I am so confused with what has happened these past 3 days. He will most definitely not be seeing me ever again unless he is fully divorced but I NEED answers for closure but I don't think he is going to give them to me like whichwayisup said. Forget him and screw his answers, he can rott in h*ll for all I care.

 

Sorry for bringing this up again, but I will forever be extremely confused by his wife's response. I think his wife was pemanently damaged when her first husband had an affair and left her. She told me on the phone ever since then it changed her.

[penkitten]

perhaps she knows her marriage is coming to an end and she doesnt want it to on her own accounts and has just tried to salvage what she could up until now.

perhaps she doesnt hate you and is not projecting anger on to you because she knows that marriage is a two way street and its not all your fault.

 

as stunning as it is, it really makes me like her.

[DepressedWaiting]

I don't think she thinks her marriage is coming to an end though because when I spoke to her on the phone (as I was noticing how incredibly clam she was)... I started thinking this can't be possible. I'm telling you it was like she didn't believe what I was telling her. So I asked her if she believed me... she said she doesn't know and that it doesnt matter because she takes her marriage vows very seriosly and she would never divorce her husband and even thohgh he had this affair it is something she is willing to overlook and go beyond.

 

I taped MANY phone conversations of me and MM and on these tapes it proves beyond any doubt that he was having an affair with me. On these tapes he is telling me how he made a mistake, how he cannot be without me and how he is going to prove me wrong about everything e.t.c.

 

So when I was on the phone with his wife I told her (I know she has an email account). I told her I felt as if she wasn't believing a word I was sayng to her so I would be more than happy to email her the .wav files of ALL the full length tapes so she could have proof. She wasn't interest in hearing the tapes! I kept telling her repeatedly I would send her the tapes and it would only take me five minutes to email it to her. But she didn't want to listen to the tapes or have me email them to her at all, why do you think that is?

 

She then told me everything her husband told me is a lie and that she would never divorce him and he would never divorce her in a million years. It's like she was deliberately doing this. But oddly when I asked her if her husband has ever had any other affairs besides me, she said no. Seems she accidentally let that slip, I'm sure she would rather have me think there were other women. I see she is fighting for her marriage?

 

I kept asking her "Aren't you devastated? You just seem to be taking this so lightly". Her response to that was that she was more conerned about whether I would make it through the night ok because I was so distrought and shaken up and crying I was having difficulties talking.

 

I don't know, this is all so strange. She is of course fighting for her husband. This I can see. I spoke to her for an hour on the phone that night.

 

She told me when her first husband had the affair and left her for the other women she was in so much pain she could hardly breath. I don't think she is willing to let that happen ever again.

 

The thing is, she has ALWAYS been extremely suspicious of me and her husband and always had it in the back of her mind that we could be seeing each other. She constantly yelled at her husband to tell her the truth and they got into huge fights over this. Believe me, she most certianly without a doubt has not known that her husband was really having an affair until recently. MM was deafly and I mean deafly afraid of her finding out.

[DepressedWaiting]

This is just crazy, after what has transpired that night I want bloody answers. I NEED it for closure! I am disgusted, I mean completely disgusted by everything. After that conversation with his wife when I went to talk to MM at his house the next day I was furious and demanding answers but he refused to answer any questions I had. He told me all he could tell me is that what he told me in front of his wife was not true but that he is extremely upset and feels I betrayed him by telling his wife everything and that now is not the right time for answers.

 

He told me he is extremely hurt that I betrayed him like this and that he needs to cool down for a few days before giving me answers. Give me a break. This is awful, I know I should have closure on my own but after something this major happened... this incidence has caused me great confusion and this is causing me to HAVE to have answers from him.

[Hot Coco]

You don't HAVE to have answers and he doesn't owe you any. He's a user. He used you and now he's done with you. You believed his lies. His wife is obviously wanting to work on their marriage. You don't pose a threat to her as I see it. In fact, you may have just brought them closer together. Leave them alone. Find a man who isn't married. And by the way...been there done that on the older men thing...don't recommend it. BIG mistake. Remember my words.

 

Don't you want a HEALTHY relationship?

[suegail]

This is something I just can't comprehend: Why would you seek answers from this man? Why would you in your wildest dreams expect anything even close to the truth? He's going to lie to her and he's going to lie to you. It's never going to stop regardless of the amount of guilt you try to weigh him down with. He's good at this. It's something he does well. Look at the amount of confidence he has instilled in his wife by way of his ability to make her believe in something that doesn't exist.

 

I really hope you'll decide to drop this...I would not pursue him with the need to hear what he may have to say.

[OldEurope]

I kept asking her "Aren't you devastated? You just seem to be taking this so lightly". Her response to that was that she was more conerned about whether I would make it through the night ok because I was so distrought and shaken up and crying I was having difficulties talking.

 

 

She is calm for two reasons: a) She has come to terms with the fact that he has been unfaithful and b) You are acting so terribly she can but pity you.

 

Grow up and drop this already.

[erika2610]

She is calm for two reasons: a) She has come to terms with the fact that he has been unfaithful and b) You are acting so terribly she can but pity you.

 

Grow up and drop this already.

 

Stop it.. she's going through a tough time. I have such a problem with OW and exOW who're just rude. They don't seem to remember when they were going through a tough time, and needed support..

[OldEurope]

Did you just not get done saying that this is a "public forum"? Then I should expect you think that different opinions can be entertained here. It is not about being rude, it is about the necessary kick in the rear sometimes needed to get people back into perspective. As if you think all the "compassion" pouring though on this thread is helping her? She needs to pull herself together, chin up, and move on.

[OldEurope]

Stop it.. she's going through a tough time. I have such a problem with OW and exOW who're just rude. They don't seem to remember when they were going through a tough time, and needed support..

 

 

The very point. For some of us ex OW did not put up with this kind of behavior from the MM, never in the least to this extent.

[erika2610]

Did you just not get done saying that this is a "public forum"? Then I should expect you think that different opinions can be entertained here. It is not about being rude, it is about the necessary kick in the rear sometimes needed to get people back into perspective. As if you think all the "compassion" pouring though on this thread is helping her? She needs to pull herself together, chin up, and move on.

 

Yes, but public forum doesn't mean be mean to people. And I know that's what I needed when my relationship ended, I needed support. Not somebody saying 'Would you knock it off already?'.. this just happened to her.. she's still in shock.

[erika2610]

The very point. For some of us ex OW did not put up with this kind of behavior from the MM, never in the least to this extent.

 

Well, alot of us have.. and know what she's going through..

[newbby]

I don't think she thinks her marriage is coming to an end though

 

because it isnt

 

He told me he is extremely hurt that I betrayed him like this and that he needs to cool down for a few days before giving me answers.

 

he is setting you up for the big goodbye. he is going to blame it on you and what you did.

[JayKay]

OP you wrote...

 

 

"...So when I was on the phone with his wife I told her (I know she has an email account). I told her I felt as if she wasn't believing a word I was sayng to her so I would be more than happy to email her the .wav files of ALL the full length tapes so she could have proof. She wasn't interest in hearing the tapes! I kept telling her repeatedly I would send her the tapes and it would only take me five minutes to email it to her. But she didn't want to listen to the tapes or have me email them to her at all, why do you think that is?"

 

 

First off, what are you trying to accomplish?

 

She already knows about the affair. She is handling herself in a cool, collected manner.

 

She's a mature woman and maybe has dealt with her share of heartache and disappointment in life.

 

You don't know her, so stop trying to 'force' an emotional breakdown on her.

 

You are the one who is having the breakdown. I feel for you, I really do.

 

But don't try to win a battle of wits and emotion with a woman far more sophisticated in psychological warfare. My guess is that she knows how to play this game quite well.

 

I'd back off from MM. He sounds really depressing, actually. He's a liar, a coward and a cheat.

 

Is that what you really want for your future?

[Sami_D]

Two things that this thread made me think about:

 

Firstly, I can totally understand the devastation that the DW feels as a result of being lied to for so long and the sudden realisation of that. Reading the OP reminded me so much of how I felt when my last relationship ended. And it wasn't with a MM, it was with a Narcissistic liar who physically and verbally abused me. When I found out the extent of the fabricated reality he'd woven around himself I was totally at a loss to understand how anyone could do that. It took me a LONG LONG time to recover anything like 'trust' of any other human being, even people close to me. And DW has known this man for such a long period of her life... how can she NOT be devastated and reeling with the shock of it all?

 

Secondly, the reaction of the W. Yes, I agree, it's not really relevant to DW what the wife says or thinks. But of course, it's part of the whole 'unreal' aspect of this for her. I can imagine how that has added to the confusion and shock she feels.

 

This woman has had many of her conceptions about reality split apart in one shocking phonecall. I don't think it's even relevant to that that it was a MM/OW situation. This is seriously bad for the mind. From the follow-up posts that DW has written, it seems that she's coping with that remarkably well. But I can't understand the 'buck up' response she's getting from some quarters. When I went through something similar I suffered PTSD and clinical depression for more than 2 years.

 

I think that in responses to this trauma that the MM/OW comments can be left aside... especially since DW has had a wake-up call to the situation and seems to be certain not to continue with this (even if the opportunity was there).

 

But back to the W's reaction. I can completely understand it to be honest. If she had one M end because of a cheating H, she may have gone into a second M determined that her needs came first, and putting aside romantic notions or expectations of fidelity. They may even have had 'an arrangement'. Such things are not unknown. It's unrealistic to expect that every BW is going to descend into a sobbing heap at the realisation that her H has been having an affair.

 

And let's not forget that this was ONE situation when it was the OW, and not the W, that was being lied to.

[newbby]

sami d, that was an excellent, insightful and compassionate post