Wife just found out... please help me, I am am feeling very sick, in shock...

[Rodeogirl]

I also agree with the poster who said the wife did not feel like you posed a threat and therefore this got a rise out of you.

[Tiny]

I don't wan't to put you in any more pain than you already are going through BUT once you know someone is in a marriage/relationship, you "Have" to realise the very likely outcome and be prepared for the worst.

 

If you had been as concerned for his wifes feelings, as much as the ones you are now going through, would you have still continued this EA?

 

Yes I can partially understand how the OM/OW can be led into an A and i'm speaking as a BS, but if the OM/OW can be so easily led into it, knowing full well there is going to be a whole world of pain for one of the participants (Very unlikely for the WS) then they must base there involvement, on the possible consequences, after all the OM/OW did not make a lifelong commitment to the WS.

 

Sorry if this hurts, but if you were his/her wife/husband you might understand.

 

As others have posted, I wish you best in getting through this, and come out the other side ok, but "next time" make sure the other person is "available" and not already tied to a SO.

 

Go NC and get better.

 

Tiny

[Tiny]

i'm sorry tiny, you've lost me

 

*Sighs* All I'm trying to say is, that if you know you drive too fast, and you love your car, there is a great possiblility that one day, you will have an accident, one that may have been prevented by thinking more clearly and driving slower, and being prepared for that "crash" I'm sure you'll work it out

[newbby]

errr...

yes i see but whilst that is most excellent advice before the crash, after the crash its a bit useless.

[seachange]

This is just more speculation, since we don't know what the wife's true feelings are. But my guess is that yes, she's asserting control over the situation, it's not so much aimed at Depressed as it is at her husband. It's easy to paint her as a cold fish, and call it creepy, because it's unexpected and not the clothes-rending fury that people expect from a woman scorned. But taking control and suppressing anger is also a time-honored way of dealing with a spiraling chaotic situation - healthy or not - and that's what she's chosen to do. Don't be so quick to judge her, either, without knowing all sides of the situation. Everyone has trouble letting go, even of the most worthless person in whom s/he has invested great time and emotional energy; these boards certainly attest to that.

 

I say again, the wife most likely cried her eyes out when she found out, but she's had time to determine her plan of attack, and this is it: she knows to be calm, she knows that he loathes confrontation (obviously), she knows how to handle him.

 

Whether he's worth any or all of this trouble over him is another topic entirely, and it seems we're all in agreement on that point. But anyway.

 

I also agree with Rodeogirl's comment - you probably expected that telling the wife would be a kind of leverage, and I'm sure it was shocking and disconcerting to realize that the situation is very different than it appeared.

 

But seriously: get out while the gettin's good. There is no way to "win" here. Don't bother talking to him - he'll just lie to you when she's not there. What will that prove? You learned more by talking to him when she was there than you'll ever hear from him otherwise.

[newbby]

maybe i missed something. i didnt think dw tried to out him at all. maybe its just me but when i was the ow (a long time ago) telling the wife was the last thing on my mind. her finding out about it caused me great stress.

[seachange]

I had no contact for a week.... I don't know what prompted me to do this but I snapped. I was just sitting here the whole week thinking and thinking about the situation and the more I thgouht about it the more I felt physically ill. I snapped... called his house to tell him what garbage I think he is and that I don't believe he is telling me the truth about divorce... turns out his wife is sitting next to him hearing me do this.

 

I think this is the part that makes it sound that way. Depressed didn't say explicitly that she intended to out him. But calling him at home, in a state where she didn't care who she talked to, was certainly taking a pretty big chance. I think she must have known that there was a risk the wife would answer the phone.

 

She may not have consciously intended to out him. But it sure sounds like she wanted to provoke a confrontation of some kind and get things out on the table.

 

Turns out, they already were, sort of.

 

Oh - to add: my earlier comments weren't meant to say that she was trying to out him, either. Just that I expect she thought that she had that in her pocket, in case she needed it. And then to be robbed of that ace was probably a shock. I don't think she called that night with the express intention of outing him.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. His wife is completely crushed by this, but you'll never know that. She won't give you that satisfaction, ever. They put on a front, probably because she told him to end it with you and told him this is how it is going to be. That could be it, I don't know, you don't know. Only those two know.

 

Hope you get the closure you need from this MM and move on. It's an awful situation and a huge mess of emotions right now - The best thing you can do after today is concentrate on yourself. Forget him, and his wife - Let them live life the way they want to. You have no control over that.

[RainyDayWoman]

owning a nice house and having a little bit of money doesn't mean someone is classy. cheating on your wife is far from classy.

 

 

 

i guess all i can say is, what did you expect? hopefully you'll learn from this very bad, hurtful, disrespectful decision to be with a married man and make better choices from now on.

 

good luck.

[Tiny]

errr...

yes i see but whilst that is most excellent advice before the crash, after the crash its a bit useless.

 

After the crash, you have to live with the consquences of your actions, even though you were aware of what they may lead to, anyway like WWIU said

 

"The best thing you can do after today is concentrate on yourself. Forget him, and his wife - Let them live life the way they want to. You have no control over that"

 

You have to move forward from your own perspective, and just try not to fall into the same trap.

 

Take care, even though you very likely knew the possible outcome or were in denial of it, I still wish you well for the future, however hard the present maybe.

 

Think self more and be AWARE

 

Tiny

[Lil Honey]

I don't understand how understnndng his wife was and how lightly she took it. His wife even said she would call me tomorrow and make sure I'm ok because I was really distrought.

 

She was “understanding” because she is holding all the cards. If she has known for six months that he’s been cheating, she has been able to gather her wits about her and threaten to take him to the cleaners. It would not be hard to take him for everything he has. That includes taking the house AND his part of the business. Further, if SHE owns part of the business, she could “vote him out.” So, in essence, his butt is over a barrel . . . AND it’s exposed.

 

My MM isn't wealthy, what he has is a very nice hosue on the water worth 1.2 mill... but his business sufferred great losses these past years years and he was also in debt.

Welp, he’s lied to you before, so what part of this do you believe . . . that his house is worth 1.2 million or that he’s in debt? And anyone who owns a credit card or mortgage is “in debt,” the problem is that that term is so general, that it does not indicate if he simply owes money to a creditor or if he can’t make ends meet. I’m not going to feel sorry for anyone living in a 1.2 million dollar house. As far as his business goes, when a business has a loss, their taxes are less and if I’m not mistaken, they can roll those losses into prosperous years, making that tax bill smaller.

 

Do you know how many times I yelled at MM and interrogated him to tell me if he did have sex with his wife or not? I literally yelled at him everyday and told him I just wanted to hear the truthful answer

I think this statement indicates that you have probably known, deep down, that he wasn’t being truthful. I think that your intuition was screaming at him – and at you – to notice that something wasn’t “kosher.” If you had truly trusted him, I doubt that you would have had such conversations.

 

I don't undertsand this... my MM also sounded very weird on the phone... like he was saying things he didn't mean because his wife was there.

He probably sounded funny because he had a script that his wife had him practice. The words that he used were hers, not his. However, he has made his choice. He is doing what she wants him to do.

 

I don't understand how he could do this to me. I just don't understand it all all.

Welp, think of it this way . . . better that you find out NOW, than to find out later when he is married to YOU and cheating on YOU . . .

 

But I will never be able to trust a man ever again.

I hope that when you are feeling better, you will reconsider trusting another man, because there ARE good ones out there. Denying a good relationship puts all men on the same level as this low-life and keeps you from sharing your life.

 

Now, the only question I have is, How old is this guy? You've known him since you were 14?????? THAT creeps me out more than anything. There should have been some indication of his personality and . . . how often does a person get sexually involved with a "family friend"?

 

I am sorry for your pain. I think you knew this was going to happen all along, but didn't want to face it. You WILL get through this. You lived without him before the affair, so you will live after it. Your will breathe just as you did before. Your heart will beat. Your legs will keep moving you forward. Trust me.

[Judas Christian]

Admittedly, I have an awful reaction to cheaters. The very notion of cheating and betrayal makes me sick. It's a very low thing to do to anyone, regardless of the "reasons." Thusly, I have a very hard time feeling sympathy for the OW/OM or the married party. The only person I can ever have sympathy for is the spouse who is betrayed. Whether she expresses any hurt or not, doesn't matter. She's still the victim here. It's been said that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over, expecting a different result. This isn't much unlike that. A person who gets involved in a relationship predicated on lies and betrayal needs a reality check if they expect anything other than lies and betrayal to be their own reward. So maybe this is your reality check, I don't know. Bottom line - you have to take care of yourself and move past this. And walk away, not only from this particular relationship, but anything like it in the future. Stay away from married people - if they want to cheat, let somebody else be part of that drama. Keep yourself alive. And safe.

[DepressedWaiting]

I drove to MM's house seeking answers and went inside his house 20 minutes before his wife was to come home. I was desperate, I NEED answers. I broke down crying, I almost fainted. I got all light headed and the room started spinning. I broke down crying demanding answers and he told me he did not mean what he said to me in front of his wife last night and that he cannot believe I did that and I obviously caught him off guard and he thought I was trying to fry him alive. He wouldn't give me any further answers regarding the other questions I had (like sex with the wife). He told me it was not the right time as he was upset with me... says he cannot believe I did that to him last night. Give me a break.

 

I noticed he hasn't worn his wedding ring in two months... now suddenly he's wearing it again. He says I delayed things because of my crazy outburst last night with his wife and that he WAS working on prompt divorce and wasn't BS'ing me and that I really screwed things up and things need to calm down.

 

Do you know what? I actually feel a whole lot better now, you have no idea. I'm glad I went to MM's house today. Because now that I went there he just makes me ten times more sick than before. He is gross and disgusting. What does he think I am? An idiot?

 

If he really wanted divorce and to not lose me then he would hire a divorce attorney and file for divorce. It doesn't take more than a couple weeks! His wife can't stop divorce from happening it doesn't work that way.

 

What I think he was planning was that he is having a condo built an hour away where his wife works. And his wife was going to move into that condo partially so getting to work would be easier... but once most of her stuff is in the condo he would file for divorce. He said it would be much easier that way rather than have her in the houss with him fighting once he files for divorce.

 

Also, I am thankful last night happened afterall. Because now I see his wife... his wife is something else altogether. My MM now has a wife at home who accepts him having sex with another women and letting him get away with it. VERY disturbing, I just don't get it! If my husband did that to me... I'd toss him outside so fast his butt would take a week to land. I just can't get over his wife's reaction, it's so weird to me and I didn't want her to find out at all. That's not why I called him last night. I always call and usually his wife isn't at home at that time.

 

I still feel very ill, but I think I'll be ok. The ONLY way I would ever let this creep back into my life was if he were FULLY divorced and both of us got serious couples counseling. Otherwise not a bloody chance. But divorce will never happen, so thankfuly he's gone for good.

 

Sorry for my rambling, I feel so weak I haven't eaten for two days. Now I can at least finally eat now that the shock I had before has worn off a little bit

[newbby]

i wouldnt judge the wife dw and say that you would not behave in that situation as she is, because how many people have said that they would never become the ow and cannot understand that? as you well know, it is very easy to say and not so easy when you are living through it.

for whatever reason, she has decided to stay with him. i am pretty sure that if i was a wife with all the security etc of having a husband, and money, i might overlook a few affairs myself. you just dont know.

i really hope that you do not get sucked back into his lies. from the outside, it looks as though he is not planning, and never was planning any divorce, nor will he be in the future. he is keeping you sweet whilst he thinks of some excuse as to why you have completely ruined things now for good.

just do not speak to him. you are young. as oe said, enjoy yourself!!

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, I know I'm weird. I never denied that. I was very rattled up earlier and a little bit distrought (over emotional) so I simply went to his house when his wife wasn't at home because I needed to get to the bottom of some things. I used to work in his house a few months back everyday. I know his wife's work schedule and knew his wife definitely wouldn't be there. He doesn't think I'm some psycho stalker for showing up.

 

Sorry if I came off a little scary, this MM just has really messed me up. He's not worth it. I will have no problems dumping him for good. I already did almost 3 weeks of no contact perfectly fine... but then all of a sudden he shows up at my front door with no warning. I made the mistake of letting him in and got sucked back into it... and that's when this whole mess of his wife finding out came about. That's why i called him that night, I was upset that he just showed up at my front door like that when I told him it was over unless I saw signed divorce papers. I won't be repeating the same mistake twice.

[tinktronik]

Ahhh, this scenerio is farmilliar. I was in a marrige where my husband had affairs.Its over now . But he had an affair (the first long term ) with one of his co-workers. When I found out about it , at first I was crushed , but having 3 kids knew I wase'nt finnished with the marrige yet.So I got my game plan together.The harder I pushed ,the more chance I would have of my marrige ending, so I decided not to push at all. I decided to be cool, calm, collected, their was no reason to try and stop something I had no controll over. I personally was not a part of the situation at all, I was not a participant .

I decided not to act "crazy" about the affair, not to demand anything of my husband, and knew the OW would. I had been charecterized as crazy , dosent love me, bad wife. Before long the OW was the one making the demands, acting sporadically , being an inconvienience. And soon she was gone.

Most affairs are about feeling good and convienence. A wife who's not causing any problems and being reasonable is extremely convienent.

 

My marrige did end later , and Im glad of it, but I am also glad it did not end over that particular affair, I would not wanted to have to deal with the young woman who was bold enough to enter my home , and show off her affair so blatantly. I did end it later , over a much more descreet affair, the young woman did not at first know my husband was married , or had children, never came to my home , never rode around in my vehicle, and once she found out he was married contacted me directly (after we had seperated and she found out , )in a respectful manner and expressed regret and explained the situation. She and I are "real " friends now , she is married to my ex and having a hard time of it now , I will always give honest anwsers to her , and have respect for her.Ive joked about her being "dumb" , she is not the smartest tool in the shed , but she is sweet as pie and I dont belive she ever would have gotten involved in the relationship had she know. I can respect that, and I think my ex respected that to a degree also.

[Rodeogirl]

As long as we coddle eachother with these decisons we will keep thinking it is ok. When I joined I hated people like hotcoco at first until I bumped my head on a smart rock. Yes I am the OW but I am in control over the situation I have him eating dust and waiting for ME to contact HIM he has been leaving me messages and text sounding desperate and confused. The last time I saw him, before I walked out of the door he said to me "well I guess I'm on your schedule let me know when you want to see me"...lol that was the grandest feeling because I remember thinking he had all the power a couple of months/weeks ago and that I use to jump when he was ready.

 

Once I realized my value as the woman I decided to get rid of the desperate act and get my self esteem back in tact. I am very happy these days because I understood I was once addicted to drama and the sneaking around and the whispering and decieving, I got a high off of it. And when things were too quiet between us I would create something to make him confess his feelings to me and when i did not get back what i wanted to hear there i was sick again and feeling shytty (that was for you oldeurope lol).

 

 

Anyway I was not trying to be mean I just think with the majority of the posters here telling you what you want to hear does not really help you.We are all biased because were are all going thru the same thing in short. This board can be a bad thing IMO. Your reaction was way way dramatic. And my response to it was a little harsh so I apologize. In a about 6 months you will read this and probably think you were pathetic for your reaction. When I first came here I posted everything that led up to my emotional breakdown and a week later i read all my post and was disgusted with my state of mind, i was ashamed and embarrassed that I had carried on the way I did over him.

 

I reread crazy off the wall emails I had sent to my MM and could not believe after he read them that he was still wiliing to make things work...that shocked me.

 

So now it is December and in 6 weeks my life will dramactically change and i think this is another reason I feel so calm about my MM situation. But we will see.

 

You do whatever works for you but please do not hurt yourself or put yourself in a situation where his wife can retaliate against you. Frankly when people react calmly to something so devestating they are the craziest people around and most likely are not wrapped too tight so be careful.

[whichwayisup]

Your reaction was way way dramatic

 

To DW, her reaction is her reaction. Everybody handles crisises differently. She is allowed to react ANY way she wants as it's HER life. Who are you or anybody else to tell her she's being dramatic right now? I think that's really judgemental and cruel. Her heart was rippped and torn. That I feel bad for her...The situation it's self, getting involved with someone who is married wasn't a good choice but it happened. Happens everyday with many people.

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks whichwayisup, yes I made a huge mistake. I was so much younger then and very nauive. I know that's not an excuse though. I am so different today then I was back then. When I fnally got my brains it was too late. I was already in love with him and having extreme difficulites letting go.

 

I am just devastated now. He isn't just any man to me. He meant so much to me and I couldn't imagine life without him. I am a huge mess right now and also very confused. Not confused about what I should do... of course I am ending all contact with him. I am just in a lot of pain and dealing with it the only way I know how and makes me feel better. I just needed answers, the truth... but I now see I will never get the truth from him and he is a waste of my time.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Somehow, you need to make your own closure. It's hard to do that when the person isn't willing to help. Think of it like a death...In a way that is what it is, a death of the friendship/relationship. I personally think ANY friendship (as a friend with a female or male) that ends has to have some sort of closure - but most of the time that doesn't happen...Which is why you have to do it on your own.

 

Believe while things were good, he did care about you. Believe that it wasn't a game. THere's alot of history between you two after knowing him for so long...

 

You are doing the right thing and putting your needs and feelings first. Screw him and just let it be. That is all you can do now.

 

If you need to talk to a therapist, DO that for you to help cope with this loss. Pain is pain and it can lead to some serious depression.

[Owl]

Alright, time for Owl to throw a monkey wrench into the works.

 

Given the extremely uncharacteristic response from his wife, I've been wondering one thing...

 

Are you SURE this was his wife you talked to?

 

Sounded to me like this COULD have been ANOTHER OW that you spoke with, as opposed to a wife. Most (admittedly not all) people don't react the way that you described...but it DID sound like someone who could have been having sport at your expense. He sounds like a practiced 'player'...

 

What do you think?

[newbby]

interesting post wwiu, about closure, it is very true. at the end of the day the closure always has to come from oneself because once love breaks down, trust usually dies. we can keep going back for closure and feeling satisfied, but it doesnt usually last long. in such decietful relationships as these, the trust goes big time, and whatever he says you definetly cannot trust. it is up to you, and you will give yourself the closure you need.

 

rodeo girl, i noticed that you said you reread your own posts and were disgusted at your own patheticness. you see this is where i get annoyed with certain posters. WE ALL get disgusted with ourselves, but if there is no supporting environment to get disgusted with ourselves in, it is very hard to even face ourselves. i think posters that tell people how pathetic etc they are, give the advicee absolutely no credit. i really dont know many ow who post in here who give advice to stay in relationships with mm. conversely i find alot of ex ow certainly strongly advise against, having been in the situation and experiencing the damage firsthand.

[whichwayisup]

Wow Owl, that is quite a twist...

[Mz. Pixie]

Good point Owl.

 

I feel bad for you DW. Please stay away from this guy and don't go to his house again.

 

Perhaps they are swingers or have an open marriage? That is another possibility.

[whichwayisup]

i think posters that tell people how pathetic etc they are, give the advicee absolutely no credit. i really dont know many ow who post in here who give advice to stay in relationships with mm. conversely i find alot of ex ow certainly strongly advise against, having been in the situation and experiencing the damage firsthand.

 

It's like telling a teenager NOT to smoke...Give them all the facts on why not to smoke...Then they do it anyway. Know why? Cuz they can and cuz they cannot fully understand the future illnesses/diseases that it can do to them.

 

A learning curve and no matter how many times you tell someone don't do it, they have to learn themselves...The painful and hard way. Most learn from their mistakes and never do it again...Some don't.