BrinnM Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 13 hours ago, blackguitar said: I can't stop thinking about her. I know, I know. She's 6 years younger than me. I think you misinterpret her friendliness as flirting. “Little touches on my arm? Legs slightly brushing?” C’mon buddy; this sounds like a romance novel written by chatgtp. Please stay real. You seem hellbent on having an affair. And I get it - relationships tend to get stale & boring over time. But if people thought about the long-term consequences before actually engaging in adultery, rather than acting on impulse & giving in to immediate gratification, we would most probably have fewer divorces. Think two years ahead. Where do you want to be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 14 hours ago, blackguitar said: She's 6 years younger than me. On 2/10/2024 at 6:35 PM, blackguitar said: A handful of years younger than me and looked cute in her pictures. Is it that you are now attracted to younger women? You keep mentioning their ages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackguitar Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 I can understand the replies and how my posts may be coming across. I'm not actively looking for an affair...I'm trying to avoid my thoughts. It's true that an affair has been crossing my mind since I started talking to the original woman. I didn't go out looking for it. I'm still not looking for it. But I'm finding myself actively avoiding it. It's like a switch has been turned on in my brain. I know it sounds really bad and I'm not sure why it's happening exactly. Other than what I've already talked about with life being routine. I'm determined to focus on my marriage. I'm using this thread to get my thoughts out and process them on an anonymous space. I didn't hit on the school mum. We were just talking and she was the one who asked me about guitar lessons for her son. If it was a bit flirty then it was mutual flirting. It was a little flirty, to be honest. I didn't do anything more than what she was doing though. She was more complimentary than I was, and she was clear that I'm perfect for the tutoring. I only say that to explain that it wasn't some evil plan I had to lure her in. They will be arriving in a couple of hours. I assume I'll be tutoring her son while she's hanging out with my wife in a different room. So it's not like anything inappropriate will be going on. I'd prefer it that way, to hopefully get her out of my thoughts a little. 8 hours ago, SurfCity said: And the whole time that you're pursuing this goal, you're blaming your wife for the "staleness" in your marriage. You have your wife jumping through hoops for you because you made it her fault that things need to be "spiced up" in your marriage; and the whole time that she's making this effort to satisfy you, you're actively trying to find a "safe" affair partner. It makes me ashamed that my posts are coming across that way. I don't blame my wife at all, for the record. It takes two to tango and we have both become "stale" in certain ways. I understand it's the nature of marriage...we all need to work at it, right? I don't think that she feels like she needs to jump through hoops. The conversation went well. As I said in my previous post, I'm going to be pulling my weight in spicing things up. I have a romantic Saturday night planned for a start. 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Is it that you are now attracted to younger women? You keep mentioning their ages. No. I'm not creeping on younger women or anything like that. I don't care that they are younger, and I'd never entertain anyone too much younger. I was just describing them a little I guess. Does anyone have any more thoughts or tips for me? Maybe some ways I can avoid these thoughts? Has anyone been in my shoes, where they were having thoughts and desires and they overcame them and continued a happy marriage? I'd love to read about that! Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 28 minutes ago, blackguitar said: It's like a switch has been turned on in my brain. I know it sounds really bad and I'm not sure why it's happening exactly. The switch is that these younger women find you attractive and that feels good. It feels like validation, like you’re ‘still got it’ and relevant. Or maybe it’s a mid-life crisis and this is just one manifestation. Contributing to a home life with children and partner and the daily routine can be emasculating, and meeting another woman who would drop everything just for you lets you feel powerful. Or maybe you are genuinely unhappy with something in your marriage that you can’t put your finger on, and having this attention from another woman is just highlighting that for you. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many compliments you receive from this woman, it won't make you truly happy; it will be fleeting. The real issue at hand is within yourself. The switch that has turned on in your brain is a signal that something is off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 (edited) If you are not sure why it's happening exactly. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified licensed therapist for ongoing support. You could have severe midlife crisis or other underlying conditions. If life too routine and you're in a mom and pop rut, running away to cyber escorts and coming on to women in the park won't help that. Figure out how to create more romance. Get babysitters, help out around the house more, free up some adult alone time, get away for the weekend without kids, consider marriage therapy. Edited February 21 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackguitar Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 Thank you both. A lot of great ideas to consider. As suspected, she came over with her son and was mostly in a different room with my wife and children. We did hug at the end and she thanked me. This was in front of my wife. All very normal stuff, so nothing for me to feel guilty about, or anything inappropriate pursued. She is still in my thoughts, but I'll get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 imho I don't think your marriage has a "spiciness" problem. I think the problem is that you are highly prone to fantasy, projection, and wishful thinking. You are trying to escape into an imaginary world where women find you irresistible. Usually when someone is trying to escape into a fantasy about themselves it's because they really don't like the reality about themselves. Usually, when a woman needs a tutor for her child, she googles tutors. And then interviews several and picks one. Usually checks credentials too. Not this woman though! She meets a stranger at the park, talks to him and decides she should hire him for a tutor for her kid, and next thing you know, she's schlepping the kid over to his home! This is unwise on her part and also just sounds odd. Personally I would not hire a tutor in this manner-- it seems unwise and possibly unsafe-- and neither would most women. I've tutored many children and never has a mom just hung out chatting with a new acquaintance in an adjacent room for hours. Most women are too busy for this and don't really enjoy socializing so randomly anyway. Is she paying you to tutor her kid? Tutoring is, generally speaking, a paid service. The women you are posting about seem to behave in atypical ways. Just food for thought. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 I also don't think you have a "spiciness" problem. You more likely have a "haven't thought seriously about long-term relationships and the risk of affairs" problem. Going online for contact, nonsense. You were going on like looking for fun and yes you were looking for the exact kind of conversations you got into. Now, it's OK to do that (well not really) but at the very least you want some awareness of what's going on inside of you. You sound like you're shocked that you could be drawn into flirting with others and fantasizing about others. Dude, that's a risk for everyone. You got to get ahead of that risk. You say your marriage is all great, but your behavior suggests you are aching for something more. Identify what that is. And it's not more kink. Sorry that's the superficial answer. Ideally you would still feel quite valued (and get a high from feeling so valued and appreciated) by your wife. What's up that your wife's attention isn't enough? That's not a criticism. It's more me saying YOU have to got to get clear what more you want out of the marriage or out of your life in general. You may need some deeper conversations with your life and/or more fun with her. I do mean "fun" and not just sex. You may need to take up a dance class as a hobby or something like that. Or find a card game with some people. Card games can be amazing because there is the game and the play and competition. But the real action is people talking quite honestly and openly about their lives and struggles. You would not be so surprised by your flirtations if you were having fun conversations with other adults, even married adults. You would have a place to express passing fantasies and you'd hear others. The benefit of talking is you don't have to act. Sounds like you bought the line of "I'm happily married with kids and I thought that was always going to be enough." Well it is enough if you work at it being enough. It is enough if you establish some outside fun (clean fun). Seems to me like you are not letting yourself think or feel beyond the most predictable conventional lines. Let yourself think and feel and ask more for what you want in the marriage. Can you afford good babysitters--sounds like you have a good job. Well spend some of that dang money on babysitters so you and the wife can go out and have some fun outside of the house. A lot of that flirty energy that you're getting with these outsiders can be satisfied through more fun and playfulness with your wife. But you got to wake up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 Are music lessons your only source of income? Does your wife earn more than you? Are you a stay-at-home-dad mostly? If yes, that could be the source of your problems. Many men (and women) can't handle the woman making more money in the relationship and they cheat to "get back at her." Maybe that's what's going on with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 If you are conventionally good looking man and have a good career, rather educated etc, please look into the midlife crisis situation. And definitely see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health to rule out depression, neurologic problems or other health issues. Why? Because it's not just the online escort it's hitting on your wife's friends after that. Something is up if this behavior is new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackguitar Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 16 hours ago, IrinaM said: Not this woman though! She meets a stranger at the park, talks to him and decides she should hire him for a tutor for her kid, and next thing you know, she's schlepping the kid over to his home! To be clear, I'm not a stranger. I've known her casually for a few years. Our children go to the same school and I've talked to her on pick-up's. My wife also thinks she's cool and invited her over to our house for get-togethers before. We have all hung out at my house more than once. She knows I'm a musician who has given guitar lessons before. So it's not that random or weird! I've offered him a the first couple of lessons free and then she will be paying. 16 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You say your marriage is all great, but your behavior suggests you are aching for something more. Identify what that is. And it's not more kink. Sorry that's the superficial answer. Ideally you would still feel quite valued (and get a high from feeling so valued and appreciated) by your wife. What's up that your wife's attention isn't enough? That's not a criticism. It's more me saying YOU have to got to get clear what more you want out of the marriage or out of your life in general. Maybe you're right and I'm aching for more. Maybe it's not just sexual. Maybe it isn't even about my marriage. Maybe I'm having a fricking midlife crisis...but I don't think so. There's not other signs and I'm reasonably happy in general. My wife's attention was always enough until the thoughts of "more" came into my head. I'm working on her attention being enough, because it really should be. I know thousands of men would give anything to be in my position with her. The conversation we had and our child-free Saturday is the first step to working on things, but I definitely have more to think about. Thanks. 15 hours ago, SurfCity said: re music lessons your only source of income? Does your wife earn more than you? Are you a stay-at-home-dad mostly? No. I have a good career and music is just my hobby. I make more than my wife. I have an intense job with long shifts...this means I have a few days off a week or weekend , but then I'm usually catching up with other life stuff on those days. 15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: And definitely see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health to rule out depression, neurologic problems or other health issues. I will think about it. Thanks. I'd prefer to handle things on my own, but I'm not opposed to outside help if it does come to that. The school mum emailed me today. She thanked me again for tutoring her son and then asked how I am. I replied and we had a few emails back-and-forth about our day. I didn't reply to her last email, because I'm trying not to get sucked into that. I'm not sure what her motives are. She seems to want to talk to me privately, so it's probably not good, right? I also deleted that app I had a few days ago, for what it's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
atomic_mess Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 Yep, not good. If you do respond, CC your wife to cool the situation assuming everything is innocent. That's what I would do. By the way, I creeped on my wife 40 years ago. She is 6 years younger. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 On 2/22/2024 at 6:16 PM, blackguitar said: I didn't reply to her last email, because I'm trying not to get sucked into that. I'm not sure what her motives are. She seems to want to talk to me privately, so it's probably not good, right? It's good that you haven't replied to her. Nothing good will come of this, and you need to give your head a shake. Then do it again. It won't be worth the risk of blowing up your whole life for some side-thrills. Link to post Share on other sites
Midas1 Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 You will ruin your marriage and family. Not to mention the other woman’s marriage and family. Go to a happy ending massage or escort and get it out of your system. Escorts are a business transaction. You are an aging hipster in a midlife crisis. I’ve been there before. You are not the lead singer of The Strokes. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 6 hours ago, Midas1 said: You will ruin your marriage and family. Not to mention the other woman’s marriage and family. Go to a happy ending massage or escort and get it out of your system. Escorts are a business transaction. You are an aging hipster in a midlife crisis. I’ve been there before. You are not the lead singer of The Strokes. Ha ha ha best answer Link to post Share on other sites
Foster2023 Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 You need to severe ties with this woman. What if she gets upset with you and tells your wife. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your wife was talking to a man online. This is temptation. If you have no intention of leaving your family, stop communication with this woman. Yes it is flattering and tempting but you can always rekindle your relationship with your wife and spice things up. You have too much to lose on just an online relationship with someone you haven’t even met. Link to post Share on other sites
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