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blackguitar

Hello LoveShack. I can't talk to anybody else about this for obvious reasons. I'm glad there's a place to be open about this. 

I'm a 40 year old man. I've been married for 9 years and we have 2 children under 12. Our marriage is happy. My wife is beautiful...could easily be a model. She is intelligent, interesting, funny and we are good friends. Yet I find myself in this situation...

A few months ago, I signed up for an app where you can chat (and meet if you so wish) locals. I'm a very sociable guy and like to chat about all kinds of subjects. My personal goal was to just chat and I didn't think anything beyond that. Did some chatting here and there and all was above board.

A few weeks ago, a woman initiated conversation with me on there. A handful of years younger than me and looked cute in her pictures. But what actually intrigued me was her message. She seemed, well...interesting. She seemed interested in me as a person and interested in my thoughts. We sent paragraphs back and forth about all kinds of subjects. We would do this most days, at least once a day. 

The conversations were innocent however, so I didn't see any red flags. Until...they were not anymore. A week or so into the communication, her messages became sexual. I shamefully reciprocated. We were talking about some kinky stuff that I've always been into. We talked about doing it with each other. Afterwards I felt ashamed and I distanced myself from her. You could say I ghosted her. She messaged me again several days later. Just asking how I am etc.  Then again days later when I didn't answer that message. I think I was intrigued by her boldness to keep reaching out to me. 

Now we have been talking most days. Things get very hot (just words.) She's made it very very clear that she wants to meet me. She's made it very clear what would be offered on the plate, so to speak, right away. She's made it very clear she would do everything despite me being married. However she's also made it clear she has feelings for me. I realise those feelings are mostly built on fantasy, as we haven't even met. I'm not sure she realises this herself. I sense she's an idealist and probably some low self esteem and naivety. She's made many comments that shows she's emotionally involved and wants something meaningful with me. Words that makes me feel like I could easily break her heart, which I don't want to do.

I like to think of myself as a good and caring guy. I've never cheated before. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a conventionally good looking man. I have a good career, rather educated etc. I've had opportunities and I never bit. So why am I now biting? Why am I so tempted to meet her?  She's a single mum with her own home. She's local, but not likely to walk into her local...just a short drive. Perfect right?  I have no intentions of leaving my wife. I fear this woman would want that from me. She's coming on strong.

I've been wondering what has changed for me to be doing this. Has anything in my marriage changed? Not really. Like any marriage, things become pretty routine. It's rare we actually argue...just the slight annoyances that gets an eyeroll. Mostly we laugh and we talk and we get along well. Is a lot of our married life revolving around our children? Probably. But that's normal right? Sex life is decent. I would say it isn't as exciting as it was in the earlier years. It's more basic than I'd prefer, but I can't complain about the quantity. My wife is more beautiful than this woman (from pictures anyhow) and just as interesting and charming and everything else. She's a good wife and mother. So why the heck am I contemplating "going for it"? 

Any thoughts or advice would be amazing. A good knock on the head, even.

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blackguitar
8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like an escort offering you the GF experience. 

Haha I really don't think so. I've seen her social media. Everything reads like a normal single mum with a normal job.

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Alpacalia

C'mon, why would some random hottie reach out to get him to cheat on his wife? Easy, she wants you to go for it cause it's her hustle to make you forget about your loving wife, leave her so that you can be her sugar daddy.

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I agree with the others. 

A random woman reaching out to a newbie on a chat app for sex?   I think you've somehow dropped your critical thinking skills.   This is very likely her profession

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blackguitar

The whole point of the app is to reach out and talk to people. It's used for dating as well. She also didn't know I was married for a while. On her social media, she has pictures of her and her kids, her family and friends interact with her and everything, it lists her job. I have her phone number. I have no doubt she's not an escort.

Edited by blackguitar
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The title of your thread is "talk me down".  But it doesn't sound like you want to be talked down.

We can all talk about the risk to your marriage and family should you get found out (she contacts your wife/gives you an STD/becomes pregnant) but only you can make a decision about your priorities. 

Are you going to follow your big brain or your little brain?  

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What dating app are we talking about here & why are you on it?

You clearly crave the new and unknown, the adventure you’ve been missing in a long-term relationship ….. you’re curious about what else is out there….. and you like the attention of the other woman …….. that’s pretty much all there is to it.

Some affairs become serious relationships. Most will not, and will just disrupt your life. And cause damage. But there’s still the excitement factor that most won’t be able to resist, unless they never encounter it. It’s just a fact of life. Long-term relationships get boring, which doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, but it’s human nature to venture out & seek the new and unknown. It can break you. Or you can learn from it.  

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Alpacalia

So she's okay with you being married. That's beyond.

I would urge you to really examine your feelings towards this woman and contemplate why you are so tempted to meet her and potentially cheat on your wife. Keep in mind that this woman is offering you a fantasy of something new, exciting and perhaps even taboo. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement and thrill of it all, especially when it's something that's been missing in your current relationship.

This woman is not a solution to any issues in your marriage. In fact, pursuing this affair will cause more problems and complications in your life. It may seem like something harmless at the moment, but once you cross that line, there's no going back.

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Why is probably boredom, ego, and liking the little zing of excitement the forbidden gives you.

Beyond just your own integrity and commitment to your wife and family, if your wife finds out, your marriage and your happy home with your beautiful wife and kids will never be the same at best, shattered at worst.  If that's not enough to talk you down, no one else can help.

Find other ways to stroke your ego and add excitement.  Run for political office, take up sky diving.  Stop indulging your baser instincts.

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14 hours ago, blackguitar said:

A few months ago, I signed up for an app where you can chat (and meet if you so wish) locals. I'm a very sociable guy and like to chat about all kinds of subjects. My personal goal was to just chat and I didn't think anything beyond that.

 

10 hours ago, blackguitar said:

The whole point of the app is to reach out and talk to people. It's used for dating as well. 

The level of self-deceit and lack of insight into your own motivations is pretty surprising. You are a grown adult married man. Appropriate ways to form new friendships include church (or synagogue, mosque, etc.), sports, hobbies, networking events for your industry, and neighborhood-based activities.

14 hours ago, blackguitar said:

Now we have been talking most days. Things get very hot (just words.) She's made it very very clear that she wants to meet me. She's made it very clear what would be offered on the plate, so to speak, right away. She's made it very clear she would do everything despite me being married.

In all likelihood this is some sort of scam on her part. It just doesn't seem likely. Beautiful women do not want to sext or even text daily with strangers or offer themselves "on a plate." Something is off. Be careful.

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14 hours ago, blackguitar said:

I have no intentions of leaving my wife.

If I was your wife, I would prefer that you left me rather than sneaking off to have an risky sexual affair with another woman and then possibly being an STD home to me - your trusting wife who is ignorant of the risk to which you are exposing me.

Not a doubt in my mind, if my husband was contemplating such a proposition, I would want to know so that I could make that decision for you.

Dude, you seriously have to question a woman who is quickly moving the conversation to your sexual fantasies - not many women would do this, so you have to wonder what her MO is here. I think you/she have tried to normalize this by telling yourselves that she is a good person, a single mother, who has developed feelings for you… It sounds to me like she is propositioning you for sex more than she has developed feelings for you - I’m not sure how she can develop feelings considering you have never met the woman and you have been primarily playing out sexual fantasies on the phone - 

Again, you seriously have to think about her MO because this sounds like a scam. And, if you truly intend to keep your family, you need to stop “chatting” with women online (we did not fall of the turnip truck recently and I doubt your wife did either) and think with your big head… as was said above. 

Edited by BaileyB
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goldengirls

If your marriage is SO HAPPY, why are you on a chatting app sexting someone else? 
talk you down? You seem to want this and have made up your mind.  I feel sorry for your wife bc she has NO clue you are doing this behind her back. 
It’s gross and disgusting to do this to your wife.  
If she found out, what would she do?! Is it worth possibly ruining your  marriage? That’s the risk you are taking.  

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Alpacalia

The obvious consequences are that you are going to hurt your wife and children. And, like most people that engage in affairs, those are second to the urges you are feeling right now.

You are mentally weak and are telling yourself a narrative that you are somehow justified in betraying your good and devoted wife and breaking up your intact family. Grow up and block and delete your trashy hookup, not that you have any “emotional” connection that means anything since you likely never left your computer chair Natasha just fulfilled your secret fantasy cyber play.

But, at the end of the day, this is going to be about self discipline for you.

Judging by the aching coming from your inner moral compass and the way your mind is racing with justifications for what you’re about to break when your wife finds out contributes to why this shameless chick won’t back down with her “meet me at my place and go for it” attitude. Pleasure hormone rushes (you know it’s a satisfaction of dopamine that has you a finger tip away.

Man this is going to hurt you because you deceived yourself giving wink to this woman and stroking what you and your own fantasy had designed. Where your morals went asleep. You became detached emotionally as you got close to a real life encounter of wanting to justify the feeling you got from her and not come from your own hypocritical self indulgence.

But if you get physical, I bet you're going to discover everything that's good about your wife and more than everything you thought you had on common ground with strange hookup.

Let’s say you ignore the advices given. Just toss 4000 ways you can do it back in your face.😱

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blackguitar

Thank you to everyone for the replies. I really do want to be talked down and I appreciate the bluntness.

I have enough evidence to believe this woman is who she says she is, and not an escort or anything like that. However I do wonder if she's mentally...off. I mean no disrespect to anyone with mental health issues or developmental issues. But it is questionable what she's willing to do. How can she feel so comfortable with me already? I could be a serial killer for all she knows, yet she's offering herself to me. I think she's probably desperate for a relationship and has built a fantasy around me. I think she's willing to do whatever to be "chosen" by me. Even if I decided to give in to temptation, I fear she'd be a bad choice for an affair partner. Maybe bunny boiling levels. 

As for me...I think it probably is the excitement. And the intrigue of what this woman is all about. Of course the type of sex she's into is very appealing also. I'm not into anything extreme. It's just the idea of being able to really let go with her...do things with her I might not be comfortable doing with my wife these days. I hate that I sound like I'm all about sex. I've never been that type of guy...I've always been more of a relationship guy. I do care about this other woman as a person, for the fact she's human and seems really sweet. I care about my wife a million times more of course. And our kids. I don't want to lose them. It would be awful.

I plan on fading out on this woman. Becoming less appealing to her. I could just block, but something about that makes me feel terrible. Is that stupid? I'm thinking about how to make things more exciting in my marriage instead. Maybe it's time to talk to my wife about spicing things up a bit, in and out of the bedroom. I already feel terrible about talking to this woman sexually. When I look at my wife, I think I'm an idiot for that. But when I have some down time and chilling, this other woman's texts are so appealing...

I need to get a grip. Thank you LoveShack. 

Edited by blackguitar
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1 hour ago, blackguitar said:

I plan on fading out on this woman. Becoming less appealing to her. I could just block, but something about that makes me feel terrible. Is that stupid?

This says that you value the opinion feelings of this other woman who you have never met before more than your marriage or your wife’s feelings/well-being. 

If you value your marriage you have any kind of respect for your wife, it wouldn’t even be a question - you would block the woman who is propositioning you for sexual and “offering herself on a plate.” The fact that you are not doing that speaks volumes…

Again, if you have any doubt perhaps you should ask your wife’s opinion of whether it’s better to block or do the slow fade with the hope this woman gives up her interest in a sexual relationship - no doubt, she has an opinion and it may help you to make your decision.

 

 

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mark clemson
19 hours ago, blackguitar said:

 My wife is more beautiful than this woman (from pictures anyhow) and just as interesting and charming and everything else. She's a good wife and mother. So why the heck am I contemplating "going for it"

Any thoughts or advice would be amazing.

"Romantic prospects" including those relating to affairs activate parts of your brain that emphasize risk taking/prospecting/"living for the moment". The "wisdom" of your more general cognitive processing regions gets (temporarily) shut down.

This is perfectly normal, and it's what men say when they talk about "the little head doing the thinking". However, you still have a choice in what you do about any inclinations. There is a VERY wide range of possible consequences/outcomes to starting an affair, and as we all know, many people have "blown up their lives" for a transitory romantic interest. The course of wisdom is to shut this down before it starts a train going that you might not be able to put the brakes on.

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Sounds like you're going through a mid-life crisis to me. People who do everything right and do everything that they're supposed to do, hit 40 yrs old and start to wonder what it was all for and what they missed out on. No judgement here, I went through it myself. You can make some really bad decisions during this time and it takes a strong person to get through it without blowing up their life. The good news is that these feelings should go away in a year or two, but you've got to be extra strong until they do. 

It flatters your ego that she chased you, that she initiated the sexting, that she almost begged for you to come back when you ghosted her. Most men have never had those experiences. Women rarely ask men out for a first date or initiate first time sex or chase the man after he leaves her. The fact that she did all those things, makes you feel like her feelings must be deep and genuine. But actually, it makes her look like she's either a pro or has a screw loose because who would do all of that for someone that they've never even met? Not someone sane and emotionally healthy...

5 hours ago, blackguitar said:

I plan on fading out on this woman. Becoming less appealing to her. I could just block, but something about that makes me feel terrible. Is that stupid?

You want to slow fade because you want to see if she'll chase you again. You want that high that you felt when she chased after you when ghosted her the first time. You want that ego boost that you'll feel if she does it again. But if she does, you won't be able to resist those good feelings and you'll be right back in it with a serious risk of ruining your marriage. The best thing to do is send a goodbye email/text and block her before she has a chance to respond.

If your desires don't involve things that are illegal or seriously strange like necrophilia/cross dressing, I bet that your wife would love to do them with you. Haven't you heard the song, "I'm Every Woman"? She wants to be the one who can satisfy your every sexual need and maybe she wants to spice it up in the bedroom too. If the sex with your wife is slightly stale for you, then it's probably the same for her, so go for it with your wife and be daring. I bet that you'll be pleasantly surprised at her reaction and the results. 

As far as your life being routine and slightly boring, you should follow the suggestion that someone made earlier and do exciting/nerve wracking things like running for office, or sky diving, or starting a small business, or performing live music or move your family abroad. Basically, anything other than look for younger, attractive women to chat with.

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5 hours ago, blackguitar said:

I could just block, but something about that makes me feel terrible. Is that stupid?

Yeah, it's stupid.  Fading out is far more hurtful and confusing than just pulling the plug.   Besides, you're married and she knows it - so it should come as no surprise to her that you may back out.   Just block her and move on.

There are plenty more married men out there for her to chase, just make sure you're not the fool who gets involved 

 

 

 

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ExpatInItaly
16 hours ago, blackguitar said:

Even if I decided to give in to temptation, I fear she'd be a bad choice for an affair partner. Maybe bunny boiling levels. 

I was coming to write the same thing. She sounds exactly the type who is screenshotting all your messages, and would take it upon herself to track down your wife and show her everything. 

On 2/11/2024 at 4:03 AM, blackguitar said:

On her social media

Does she have access to your socials too? Know who you are? If so, I hate to tell you that you need to be prepared for your wife to find out what you've already been up to. 

16 hours ago, blackguitar said:

I plan on fading out on this woman. Becoming less appealing to her. I could just block, but something about that makes me feel terrible. Is that stupid?

In short, yes. You need to start putting your wife first, and worry less about this internet stranger's feelings. 

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BreakOnThrough

She's either an escort or emotionally/mentally imbalanced, I imagine you don't want either of those in your life so the choice is obvious.  Hopefully you don't meet full repercussions, the fantasy will pop and you'll be left with a lot of hurt and pain, it's possible for you to turn it all around though, talk to a good therapist, let everything out, reestablish why you fell in love with your wife and decided to create a life with her, have new and exciting experiences with her, continue to build towards healthy ends.

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Update...

I blocked the woman a few days ago. It was becoming more and more obvious she was unhinged. I told her I don't think she would be happy in this situation, if we took it further. She agreed and said she'd want to be with me all of the time. I blocked her and then could see that she sent a couple of angry texts on my blocked list. Thankfully they stopped and she seems to have moved on. However I now find myself in a different situation...

One of the mum's at my children's school. She's stunningly beautiful...the same level as my wife. I've always thought how beautiful she is. She also would give the vibe that she's attracted to me too. My wife actually invited her to a couple of get-togethers at our house over the past few years. There was definitely chemistry. Yesterday I took my youngest to the local park. She was there with her child and our children played together while we talked. She couldn't stop smiling and told me "I'm so glad to see you. It's been too long!" Again with the chemistry...little touches on my arm when I made her laugh, legs slightly brushing against each other when we sat beside each other. 

We talked for close to an hour. It's the first time we have talked alone for more than like 5 minutes outside the school. We talked about how our children are doing in school, about how she wants a change of career, and then about music. I'm a musician (not my main profession, but I've been in bands and I make music still and I'm pretty skilled) She told how her child wants to learn the guitar and that she thinks I'd be the perfect teacher for that. I offered her the first 2 lessons for free, so he can get a feel for it. She was very grateful.

At the end of the conversation, before we were leaving, she asked if she should go through me or my wife. "Should we swap details, or would it be more appropriate to go through your wife?" We laughed about it. I gave her my email address...it felt the most appropriate in the moment. It's also what I would, and have, done when anyone else is interested in tutoring. She emailed me today, just to set up the lesson and it was all very formal. Just a few emails back and forth.

I can't stop thinking about her. I know, I know. She's 6 years younger than me. Married. I don't know anything about her marriage. I did meet her husband once and he seemed like a decent person. However I will say he's punching above his weight with her. She will bring her son over tomorrow for the lesson. 

On the other hand, I talked to my wife a few days ago about some things. I didn't tell her about the original woman, just that I felt like things were maybe becoming too routine. She was defensive at first, then heard me out and agreed things could be spiced up a bit. We plan on having a child-free Saturday and getting a bit creative in the bedroom. It's not just about sex...I plan to take her out for a romantic dinner and maybe a movie beforehand. I hope we can make it a regular thing to add some romance and excitement. Hopefully it will stop my thoughts I've been having recently, because I really do love my wife and want our marriage to last. 

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This married woman seems appropriate and did the right thing to avert you trying to come on to her. Hopefully you'll find ways to improve your marriage and romance with your wife.

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You need to either really foucs on your marriage and stop hitting on other women and inviting them into your life, or get un-married. 

Replacing one pipe dream (strange online lady) with another (this other young woman) is not a healthy coping mechanism. 

 

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You seem really determined to have an affair. Like you're actively working on it, like it's a goal that you set for yourself. And the whole time that you're pursuing this goal, you're blaming your wife for the "staleness" in your marriage. You have your wife jumping through hoops for you because you made it her fault that things need to be "spiced up" in your marriage; and the whole time that she's making this effort to satisfy you, you're actively trying to find a "safe" affair partner.

Maybe things would be spicier in your marriage if you sexted your wife instead of some random woman on the internet. Maybe you wouldn't have so much energy for an affair if you had spent that hour at the park running around with your kid instead of chatting it up with a younger woman.

BTW, kids notice a lot more than we think, so it's probably not a good idea to be flirty-flirty with another woman right in front of them. 

Edited by SurfCity
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