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Mirroring [UPDATED]


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Alpacalia

Thanks.

Overall, he's a great and admirable man who is driven and dedicated. He approaches everything with a optimistic mindset and constantly strives to achieve success. He's incredibly compassionate and has a fantastic sense of humor.

It's just those comments that worry me and while I feel uncomfortable by them, I also don't think it's fair for me to continue to judge him solely based on those few comments. I would need to get to know him better and see his behavior in different situations to truly understand who he is as a person. I want to do right by him too and not have us in a situation where things get messy. So, I think it's best for me to nip this now.

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Agree. Probably better to cut your losses. This is a lot of drama and conflict for a couple of dates with someone you're just "meh" about anyway. 

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Alpacalia

Agree.

I think part of the conflict comes from the fact that he wants more than friendship from me and I have not reciprocated. Though I was upfront and honest about my intentions from the beginning, I can see how that may have changed as we continued to hang out and get to know each other. I though that we could hang out without any romantic involvement.

Aside from those couple of comments he made, we got along well in person and in between and we have a lot of shared interests and hobbies. 

I understand that my lack of romantic interest may have muddled things, but I stand by my initial intentions of just wanting a friendship. I value his companionship and enjoy spending time with him, but my feelings towards him have not changed.

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Is this the drummer you had a date with long ago and now wanted to turn into a platonic dating situation? He may not take kindly to the idea of being an ersatz BF. Other than that he may have been nice to you since you reached out and someone like him could always use fans to attend his gigs, which you did. So it seems like a lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation. 

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Alpacalia

I suppose not reciprocating his feelings and just wanting to be friends could be seen as using him for companionship. However, I have always been transparent about not wanting a romantic relationship and have never led him on or given him false hope. In the future, I will be more cautious about hanging out one-on-one with someone who has expressed romantic interest in me if I do not feel the same way.

We're due to hang out again. Do I cancel altogether and communicate why, or do it in person.

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Weezy1973
34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

However, I have always been transparent about not wanting a romantic relationship and have never led him on or given him false hope.

Has he been transparent in his romantic interest in you? For me, if I knew a woman was interested in me romantically but I didn’t see her that way, I’d keep my distance. That being said, it seemed like from your posts that you were open to potentially developing romantic feelings for him over time, even if you don’t feel that way right now? Is that right? Or have you made it clear to him that you don’t see him that way and never will? 

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Not knowing either of you and speaking in general terms, it's unclear why he would want to waste time in the friendzone, especially since you have not exactly been transparent about that, even after several outings.

Please take a break from dating, platonically or otherwise. It's not fair to use anyone for filling voids since you already mentioned not being ready to date. 

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Alpacalia
14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Has he been transparent in his romantic interest in you? For me, if I knew a woman was interested in me romantically but I didn’t see her that way, I’d keep my distance. That being said, it seemed like from your posts that you were open to potentially developing romantic feelings for him over time, even if you don’t feel that way right now? Is that right? Or have you made it clear to him that you don’t see him that way and never will? 

After the first time we went out, he immediately asked to go out again and treat me to a nice restaurant. However, I expressed that I would prefer a more casual setting as I wanted to get to know each other as friends. He mentioned feeling a romantic connection between us when we first met. I didn't know how to respond and was caught off guard. Even though he has made comments about finding me attractive, he hasn't explicitly said he wants a romantic relationship.

Recently, he has made comments about my availability and giving compliments that I didn't respond to right away, making me question if he is interested or just being friendly. I clarified after the first time we went out that I am only open to being friends, and if he wasn't okay with that, he could let me know. I assumed he was just being awkward and overly complimentary, but now I am starting to question if I am missing subtle hints of his interest.

And I have to be honest, the comments about me not being available on certain days and when I didn't initially reply to his compliment quickly, comes across a bit weird to me. I'm not sure if it's because of my own insecurities or if he's trying to show interest in a passive-aggressive way, but it's making me second-guess his intentions.

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Alpacalia
13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please take a break from dating, platonically or otherwise. It's not fair to use anyone for filling voids since you already mentioned not being ready to date. 

It's unfair for you to accuse me of using him. Our meeting was a coincidence. I have always been honest about my intentions to only be friends and have even offered to split expenses. Before continuing to spend time together, I made sure he was comfortable with just being friends. I am sorry if my actions gave the impression of using him, as that was never my intention. I genuinely value our friendship and have never asked for anything more. He has confided in me as a friend on occasion and I have been there for him, offering support and listening.

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Weezy1973
2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

He mentioned feeling a romantic connection between us when we first met. I didn't know how to respond and was caught off guard. Even though he has made comments about finding me attractive, he hasn't explicitly said he wants a romantic relationship.

So I think he’s made it clear from the above that he’s interested in you romantically and would like to go on romantic dates rather than hanging out as friends only.

Your earlier posts seemed to imply this was someone you were dating. And if it was confusing to us that you were not interested in this guy romantically, I suspect it’s confusing to him too. 
 

Do you see this guy romantically? Or is he someone you see as a friend only? I think you need to let him know explicitly if you’re not attracted to him and only want to be friends, and if he can’t do that (almost nobody I know can magically turn off their attraction towards someone), then time to cut ties. For both your sake.

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NuevoYorko

If this is the same guy (band member) that you were posting about - weren't you were seeing him "as friends" while you were still with your boyfriend who you were very serious about and even discussing the potential of marriage?  

I can imagine how confusing this must be to band guy.   I'm confused.   

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Alpacalia

I'm not sure what there is to be confused about. I said I do not feel romantically inclined toward him and that if he is open to being friends, great, if not, I understand. He's known this since the beginning.

 

 

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Weezy1973
On 2/8/2024 at 11:50 AM, Alpacalia said:

Well, let me back up. I am not 100% sure about my feelings for this guy. At this point, I am open to getting to know him better and seeing where things go. I think you bring up a good point about being excited to meet someone. I don't necessarily feel excited about meeting him, but I am also not opposed to it. We're due to meet soon so I still have some time to figure out my feelings and see if this is something I really want to pursue.

We've only been out a very small number of times and it typically takes me 3+ dates to really know if I want to continue seeing someone. It's possible that this could be the case with this guy as well and I may just need more time to get to know him. I am also not looking to jump into anything serious right now, so I am taking things slow and seeing how things progress. But to answer your question, no, I don't think I am head over heels for this guy just yet. I am keeping an open mind and willing to give it a chance, but I don't want to rush into anything or have any unrealistic expectations. I want to take the time to get to know him and make sure that our feelings and compatibility are genuine before pursuing anything further.

This post makes it seem like you’ve gone on dates with the guy and you’re open to a romantic connection. Can you understand the confusion?

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Alpacalia
7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This post makes it seem like you’ve gone on dates with the guy and you’re open to a romantic connection. Can you understand the confusion?

Because I don't feel romantically inclined toward him right now. Will that change down the road? Maybe. But I'm not going to tell HIM THAT "maybe" my feelings will change because I honestly don't know and I can't tell him something I don't feel.

It's totally understandable that this could be confusing. Let me clarify - yes, I have gone out with this guy and we have a good time together. But as of right now, I don't have romantic feelings for him. I hope that makes more sense. I have kept things very even keeled and casual with him because I don't want to make any promises or say anything I don't mean. I just don't have those kinds of feelings for him right now. I can't control my future feelings, but I can control my honesty and communication with him.

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Weezy1973
29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Let me clarify - yes, I have gone out with this guy and we have a good time together. But as of right now, I don't have romantic feelings for him.

So to me it seems like you’ve had a couple of dates with the guy (and he paid, even though you offered to pay). And he wants to continue dating, but you’re not feeling it. To me the honest thing to do would be to just stop seeing him completely. Let him know you’re not interested in him. Do you have any close girlfriends?

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Not interested now but maybe in the future? Agree that it would be better to find more suitable friends who aren't sort of on the back burner, just in case. Please try to put yourself in this poor guys shoes. 

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Alpacalia
25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So to me it seems like you’ve had a couple of dates with the guy (and he paid, even though you offered to pay). And he wants to continue dating, but you’re not feeling it. To me the honest thing to do would be to just stop seeing him completely. Let him know you’re not interested in him. Do you have any close girlfriends?

I am getting a bit frustrated having to keep explaining myself. I have told him exactly what you wrote here.

I am not going to hang out with him anymore and it just shows me that men and women being friends is apparently nonexistent in some people’s minds. I'm sorry if I seem confused or unsure, but that's just how I feel right now. I can't predict how I will feel in the future, but I can only speak to my current feelings and boundaries. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, I have a best female friend since I was 11 and a male best friend that I have had since I was 8 years old. I have female friends from high school and adult life too. I did have a falling out with another female best friend that I have been friends with for the past 20 years but all my other friendships remain in tact.

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Weezy1973
18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am not going to hang out with him anymore and it just shows me that men and women being friends is apparently nonexistent in some people’s minds.

Not if there’s attraction involved. He sees you romantically. You can’t just be friends with him because he doesn’t see you as just a friend. He wants to date you romantically. Of course men and women can just be friends; as long as there’s no attraction on either side, friendship it is. 

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NuevoYorko
4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm not sure what there is to be confused about. I said I do not feel romantically inclined toward him and that if he is open to being friends, great, if not, I understand. He's known this since the beginning.

Well ... you talked about whether mirroring is a "turn off" and mentioned him taking initiative for making plans ... IMO these things are not  pertinent for friendships.   Truly you've described this as if it were a "dating" type of scenario.  Not casually hanging out like buddies.  

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I am not going to hang out with him anymore and it just shows me that men and women being friends is apparently nonexistent in some people’s minds.

I absolutely know that men and women can and  often do have very close and important friendships.  In my experience, both parties are on the same page about the nature of the relationship in these cases.  Nobody thinks they're "dating."   

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Alpacalia
2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well ... you talked about whether mirroring is a "turn off" and mentioned him taking initiative for making plans ... IMO these things are not  pertinent for friendships.   Truly you've described this as if it were a "dating" type of scenario.  Not casually hanging out like buddies.  

Turn-off in a general sense (i.e. "put-off"). I began to notice that each time I mentioned days after he asked about my availability, he seemed to match his own schedule in response to mine. Like if I wasn't available for x number of days, he then would say he was not available x number of days.

I have also noticed some actions from him that made me wonder if he viewed our interactions as an opportunity to pursue a romantic connection. It made me question if he truly accepted friendship.

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It may be time to reflect if you can even be friends since he seems to put you off already. Maybe it's not important whether he accepts a friendship as much as how bothered you seem to be by him already. For example when you you're busy, you're busy but when he's busy he's retaliating? 

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5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I am not going to hang out with him anymore and it just shows me that men and women being friends is apparently nonexistent in some people’s minds.

I'd love for friendships between men and women to be a thing, but in my experience, someone always ends up catches feelings.   Quite some time ago, I made up my mind to not have close male friends at all.  I do feel your frustration

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Alpacalia
10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It may be time to reflect if you can even be friends since he seems to put you off already. 

I feel that's what I am doing, no? 

Naturally this dynamic is causing me to question the balance and sincerity of our friendship. My intention is not to accuse or point fingers, but to reflect on how his actions have been impacting my feelings. I don't question him when he doesn't reply in x amount of time to a text or message or if he doesn't reply a certain way to things I've said, so I would appreciate if the same courtesy and understanding was extended to me. 

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Alpacalia
9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd love for friendships between men and women to be a thing, but in my experience, someone always ends up catches feelings.   Quite some time ago, I made up my mind to not have close male friends at all.  I do feel your frustration

Thanks basil67.

I don't have many male friendships. With the exception of one I met when I was eight years old who has been like a brother to me and another from my twenties that developed feelings towards me (which thankfully, our friendship survived). That's been great and I specifically prefer it that way (not to have many male friends) and this guy, aside from the few comments he's made, felt the same.

But lately I've noticed that he's started making comments about us having a deeper connection than just friends. At first, I brushed it off as a joke, but as it's continued, it's making me feel uncomfortable and questioning whether a friendship is feasible.

I'd love it to be possible, too. I think for this to happen, both sides need a very high level of awareness and even then... I'm not sure. For now I'm single and trying to just focus 100% on my friendships. It's hard sometimes because strangers immediately assume stuff but eh... 

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It seems like you are trying to "be friends" (but can't predict how you'll feel?) But somehow this already seems more like frenemies.

Yes men and women can absolutely be friends but alas this doesn't seem to be one of those situations.

Not so much that he may have had some interest in the past but moreso you actually don't seem to even like or respect him all that much. 

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