Mirroring [UPDATED]

[Alpacalia]

Ladies, if you felt that a man was mirroring your actions, would it be a turn off. I feel like someone I am talking to is mirroring me and it's becoming a turn-off.

Edited February 19 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

It depends.  Early on if I think he may be unsure of where he stands with me, it would not be a turn off but I would be clearer about our interactions.  If I was offering him a comfortable safe space to be himself but he couldn't take the lead or be assertive, yes, that would be a turn off.  

[Alpacalia]

He's quite assertive and takes the lead with suggesting plans but I have not been readily available due to family/job obligations. I proposed Thursday, and he in turn says to me "why are you only available on Thursday?" In turn, I said, well I am free earlier in the week. And I feel like because I was away traveling that now he's pushing back the meeting to which point I don't even feel like going anymore.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

He's quite assertive and takes the lead with suggesting plans but I have not been readily available due to family/job obligations. I proposed Thursday, and he in turn says to me "why are you only available on Thursday?" In turn, I said, well I am free earlier in the week. And I feel like because I was away traveling that now he's pushing back the meeting to which point I don't even feel like going anymore.

What on earth possessed him to say that?  It sounds very combative.   I'd be turned off too

The only correct answers to your suggestion are "Yes, that sounds good" or "Sorry, I can't make that day. But I can do X and Y - would either of them work for you?"

To give the benefit of doubt, was this by text and perhaps he didn't mean it to come out that way?  Still strange though

 

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

He's quite assertive and takes the lead with suggesting plans but I have not been readily available due to family/job obligations. I proposed Thursday, and he in turn says to me "why are you only available on Thursday?" In turn, I said, well I am free earlier in the week. And I feel like because I was away traveling that now he's pushing back the meeting to which point I don't even feel like going anymore.

Have you actually met him in person? How well do you know him? If not, I would seriously reconsider going out with him. Who knows why he said that. We don't know what his past experiences been like. Maybe he thinks that you are flaking on him. In any case, I think what he said to you is quite rude. Is there a reason why he couldn't come up with a date and you had to make one instead? He probably knew the dates when you are travelling and when you are back, rights? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 I feel like because I was away traveling that now he's pushing back the meeting to which point I don't even feel like going anymore.

It's fine to say you're busy and offer other availability. Sadly if you already feel he's being spiteful or playing games, there's probably no point meeting. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

What on earth possessed him to say that?  It sounds very combative.   I'd be turned off too

The only correct answers to your suggestion are "Yes, that sounds good" or "Sorry, I can't make that day. But I can do X and Y - would either of them work for you?"

To give the benefit of doubt, was this by text and perhaps he didn't mean it to come out that way?  Still strange though

 

The last couple of times that we've met have been Thursdays. I suggested this Thursday after he asked me out for last weekend but I was away last weekend. That's when he made that comment. Yes, benefit of the doubt. He phrased it in a joking way. I think it was something along the lines of "Why do you always choose Thursdays? lol. Is that the only day that works for you?"

Each time I wasn't available after he asked to meet up, the following week when we attempted to meet he would say he wasn't available on the same exact days that I wasn't available the prior week. Like, he's trying to match my unavailability. It could be a coincidence, but it's something that has happened a couple times.

48 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Have you actually met him in person? How well do you know him? If not, I would seriously reconsider going out with him. Who knows why he said that. We don't know what his past experiences been like. Maybe he thinks that you are flaking on him. In any case, I think what he said to you is quite rude. Is there a reason why he couldn't come up with a date and you had to make one instead? He probably knew the dates when you are travelling and when you are back, rights? 

We've met up several times. I've known him for a short time. He asked me out last weekend but I wasn't free, he's not free this weekend, hence, I suggested this Thursday. I don't know why I picked Thursdays, it just works out well for me during the week, lol.

[basil67]

Ah, gotcha....I thought he was saying it with a suspicious attitude.

It does seem weird doesn't it.   Have you tried asking when he's free before you offer your own availability?   

[Alpacalia]

@basil67He's typically asked first when I'm free. Maybe I could be more proactive in that regard.

I replied to his Thursday remark  "sorry, earlier in the week is good too!"

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he's mirroring your lack of availability.  It sounds like nether of you have time for the other.  The idea that you are available earlier in the week but picked Thursday is interesting.  Now you are saying you don't even want to go suggests to me that this isn't working.  If you really liked him you would be excited to meet, not caring when or where.  

[Alpacalia]

Well, let me back up. I am not 100% sure about my feelings for this guy. At this point, I am open to getting to know him better and seeing where things go. I think you bring up a good point about being excited to meet someone. I don't necessarily feel excited about meeting him, but I am also not opposed to it. We're due to meet soon so I still have some time to figure out my feelings and see if this is something I really want to pursue.

We've only been out a very small number of times and it typically takes me 3+ dates to really know if I want to continue seeing someone. It's possible that this could be the case with this guy as well and I may just need more time to get to know him. I am also not looking to jump into anything serious right now, so I am taking things slow and seeing how things progress. But to answer your question, no, I don't think I am head over heels for this guy just yet. I am keeping an open mind and willing to give it a chance, but I don't want to rush into anything or have any unrealistic expectations. I want to take the time to get to know him and make sure that our feelings and compatibility are genuine before pursuing anything further.

Edited February 8 by Alpacalia

[S2B]

Mirroring makes me feel like the guy has no imagination to come up with his own ideas. It’s a turn off.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I want to take the time to get to know him and make sure that our feelings and compatibility are genuine before pursuing anything further.

So, you don't want to rush and want to get to know him so you make yourself not so available? Maybe you're not ready to date. You just got out of a long term relationship, just relax for the rest of the winter.

You know what is a good way to get to know someone? By being available to spend time with them......

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So, you don't want to rush and want to get to know him so you make yourself not so available? Maybe you're not ready to date. You just got out of a long term relationship, just relax for the rest of the winter.

You know what is a good way to get to know someone? By being available to spend time with them......

We had plans and he cancelled because he was sick. Same thing happened to me the following week (I had to cancel) after I had to get a rabies vaccine after I had a bat in my house (lol).

I got back to him with an alternative date/time and we went out. Then he asked me out during a weekend that I was due to fly to Arizona to visit my father. Now this weekend he is away.  

Maybe you're right though.

Is it wrong to hang out with someone if you're not ready to jump into a f/t relationship, especially if that person knows you are not looking for that? He hasn't said anything to push for anything serious. He seems relaxed and not tense at all when we talk (with the exception of asking why I am only available on Thursday, which doesn't make sense, because I did suggest a Friday once before he made the Thursday comment...)

It feels more like a friendly vibe between us. He's made some comments here and there but 99% of the time it's neutral and never referencing a relationship.

[Gaeta]

@Alpacalia: can you identify what you need at this time? is it distraction, companionship, friendship, physical intimicy?

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Alpacalia: can you identify what you need at this time? is it distraction, companionship, friendship, physical intimicy?

Thanks. I think that is an excellent question and something I haven't really thought about.

I think at this time, I may need a mix of certain elements. I don't feel like I need some distraction because when we don't speak or spend some time together, I don't feel bad or lonely. But I do enjoy the companionship and being able to talk about things that are going on in my life and his and hearing his thoughts and opinions. I also enjoy having a close friendship with someone and being able to do things together.

And while physical intimacy isn't something I necessarily need, it's definitely something that I enjoy and appreciate in a relationship. I just like where it's at right now, we talk here and there and see each other here and there but it's not too much. It's a good balance for me.  

I'm not actively putting myself out there to be dating at this stage nor do I want to because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. 

I have been doing meetup events with mainly women and I do enjoy the events and the company. I think right now, I'm just enjoying this slightly unconventional but nice thing that this guy and I have.

Edited February 9 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

On 2/7/2024 at 9:14 PM, Alpacalia said:

. He asked me out last weekend but I wasn't free, he's not free this weekend, hence, I suggested this Thursday. I don't know why I picked Thursdays, it just works out well for me during the week, 

Sounds like scheduling issues and poor communication about when you are free. "Mirroring", is simply a social phenomenon where people sort of act like each other to build rapport. It's not whatever game playing you believe he's doing here. 

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like scheduling issues and poor communication about when you are free. "Mirroring", is simply a social phenomenon where people sort of act like each other to build rapport. It's not whatever game playing you believe he's doing here. 

I agree to a degree.

I have been very forthcoming with my schedule but it seems like there may be a disconnect in terms of when I am actually free and when he expects me to be free.

[Alpacalia]

The man I have been talking to has been away at a conference and messaged me, "You're lovely and pretty." I was about to reply, but then he texted, "I sent you compliments but didn't receive a response, huh? You reply to my memes so quickly, I see how it is. This is real friends stuff." 

I apologized for not responding immediately to his "compliment" comment. But I realized later that his reaction was maybe unfair. While I understand he wanted a quick reply, I didn't intentionally ignore or not appreciate the compliment. It's also not fair to compare response times for a simple compliment and a more complex conversation.

I admit that I am not head over heals for this guy, but I still don't think it's fair for him to get upset and make me feel guilty for taking a few minutes to reply to a compliment.

We are due to go out again soon and I want to make sure we are on the same page before we go. I don't want to come off as confrontational or cause an argument, but I also don't want to just brush it under the rug. I don't want to lead him on, but I also don't feel like I have done anything wrong. I have been forthcoming I feel for the most part.

Edited February 10 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

@Alpacalia I’m wondering why you’re jumping back into dating so soon after your break up? With your break up and your dad’s medical issues, adding the added drama of potential new romance seems perhaps like an attempt to distract from or ignore the tough emotions. Just an observation. 

Edited February 10 by Weezy1973

[Alpacalia]

@Weezy1973

I know it may look like that from the outside, and maybe there is a shred of truth to it, but at the same time I think if I was for distraction purposes I would want to jump head first into a new relationship. In this case I think I’m being warier than I normally would because of my dad’s health (I don’t really want to be going on dates while my dad is recovering, but also don’t want to put my life on pause). With my relationship ending, there was a lot of discussion between us so I think I was able to process it quite a bit while I was in it. Our break up also wasn’t a big ugly fight, it was more a joint decision. I totally can see how it looks like avoidance on the outside though. Thank you for your thoughts on this.

Edited February 10 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

@Weezy1973

You've given me good insight. I think I am going to stop seeing him because I foresee that this could possibly get messy. 

When my engagement ended years ago, I did not date for over a year after my break up. I took the time to heal and work on myself. This time around, I feel more prepared. I am also aware that this situation with my dad could potentially add more stress and complications to a new relationship, and that is why I want to make sure whoever I am dating is aware and understanding of the situation.

In regards to your concern about the drama of potential new romance, I have taken it into consideration. I said to him initially that I am not interested in romantic relationship and that's when we agreed to just hang out and do friends stuff for now. 

It's unfair for him to compare a quick reply to a meme to a more serious message. It's also not fair for him to make me feel guilty for not responding immediately, especially since we are just friends at this point. I just foresee this becoming a bigger issue in the future if we continue talking. He's already made the comment about me being a slow responder and my availability and I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being criticized for not responding in a timely manner, especially for things that aren't important.

I will talk to him, but I want to make sure I approach it in a calm and respectful manner. Thank you for your advice and helping me see things from a different perspective. 

[Acacia98]

On 2/10/2024 at 7:20 PM, Alpacalia said:

The man I have been talking to has been away at a conference and messaged me, "You're lovely and pretty." I was about to reply, but then he texted, "I sent you compliments but didn't receive a response, huh? You reply to my memes so quickly, I see how it is. This is real friends stuff." 

Honestly, this would annoy me. He sounds like he would be the high-maintenance type, seeking affirmation right, left and centre if you were to date him.

He's probably going to make another annoying comment when you indicate you want to stop spending time together.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, this would annoy me. He sounds like he would be the high-maintenance type, seeking affirmation right, left and centre if you were to date him.

He's probably going to make another annoying comment when you indicate you want to stop spending time together.

Yes, it's a hard thing to judge given my limited time with him and I don't know if those comments are just jokes or if he is being serious and a sign of troubling behavior. I don't know him well enough to know if he has a history of certain behaviors that would make him a more risky person to hangout with, or if this is just some awkwardness and immaturity I'm not used to.

I mean, if I put myself in his shoes, and I was hoping to pursue something more with someone and they weren't responding quickly or consistently, I might wonder what is going on and want to understand the situation. But the comments are making me feel uncomfortable.

[Acacia98]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I mean, if I put myself in his shoes, and I was hoping to pursue something more with someone and they weren't responding quickly or consistently, I might wonder what is going on and want to understand the situation. But the comments are making me feel uncomfortable.

I'm sure if you asked him, he'd say he was joking. But I imagine it's one of those jokes that reveals a lot about a person's insecurities.

I'd probably be more understanding if he were in his early 20s. 

I'd definitely encourage you to honor your feelings of discomfort.