Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 I want to say thank you to everyone for the responses d. The private investigator is more for me to have the evidence in front of me instead of just hearing about it. It's not necessarily for the divorce. My military pension I am not sure she can get, my police pension when I retire she maybe entitled too. Enraging but that is the law. I am worried that I am not going to be able to rebuild my life after this. I am feeling defeated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 (edited) 13 hours ago, USMC556 said: I am not sure if this was the right thing to do but I just hired a private investigator that specializes in infidelity. In about a weeks time things should be uncovered. That way I will have solid proof in hand for divorce reasons. I provided her schedule, work, car, plate # and other details pertinent to the investigation. Waste of time & money. Infidelity does NOT change the math on equitable distribution or divorce. Divorce is based on irreconcilable differences; cheating or other reasons don't matter. Divorce is no fault. Talk to the lawyer 1st. The court system doesn't give a fig about her cheating. She is going to get a QDRO on your pensions & if you live in a state where the police pensions do not allow for payments to a divorced EX after the death of the officer then you may be required to obtain life insurance on yourself at your expense to protect her. Edited February 6 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 You would be better served to spend your money on a lawyer… I would skip the PI. You have apparently already made your decision - no need to spend money gathering evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 8 hours ago, USMC556 said: I want to say thank you to everyone for the responses d. The private investigator is more for me to have the evidence in front of me instead of just hearing about it. It's not necessarily for the divorce. My military pension I am not sure she can get, my police pension when I retire she maybe entitled too. Enraging but that is the law. I am worried that I am not going to be able to rebuild my life after this. I am feeling defeated. As an ex-military wife I can tell you, yes she will get a portion of your military pension and police pension for the time you were married. If you were married 15 years then she gets half of what you've collected in those pension for 15 years. You will get half of what she collected those 15 years, goes both ways. It is what it is. Marriage is a legal contract. The only way she won't get half of those 15 years is if she renounces to it. It happens, I did renounce to my ex-husband military pension when we divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 I am going to ask that she renounces my pensions. I will have the proof from the private investigator. If she does not comply, I will tell her parents, our friends and other parties what she did. That is my leverage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 And she definitely knows something is up, she texted me this morning "I think we need to talk". Maybe she will come clean but my gut is that she knows that I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 The only time infidelity comes into play in divorce proceedings is when there may be spousal support. And only sometimes it matters. Judges, in some states, have some flexibility in spousal support, but that is where it ends. Though we would like to think if spouse #1 destroys the marriage, he/she shouldn't get anything, it is not the case. You both built your life together during the marriage, so it will be an even split. Don't spend time and money fighting over it. The only people who benefit are attorneys who can bill more hours the longer you fight and who get higher rates once you go to court. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: The only time infidelity comes into play in divorce proceedings is when there may be spousal support. And only sometimes it matters. Judges, in some states, have some flexibility in spousal support, but that is where it ends. Though we would like to think if spouse #1 destroys the marriage, he/she shouldn't get anything, it is not the case. You both built your life together during the marriage, so it will be an even split. Don't spend time and money fighting over it. The only people who benefit are attorneys who can bill more hours the longer you fight and who get higher rates once you go to court. I very much appreciate your insight. I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 So my wife texted me that she thinks we should have sex tonight, its been over 3 months I think since we were intimate. I responded, highly doubtful, only with a condom. She responded with a bunch of question marks. Things are going to come to a head tonight I think. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 Interesting. I agree that you want to be careful with the lawyers, as even a good lawyer likes to get paid more. Some do things that antagonize the other party so they will be inclined to (try to) "punish" each other through the legal system - with memos, court motions, etc, all of which the lawyers get paid for and many of which mean little if/when you end in negotiation rather than taking it all the way through in court, which is common in many areas. Having someone served surprise divorce papers at work is one example. Even though it's common practice, it serves to embarrass a person in front of one of their most important social groups (co-workers) distract them from what they should be doing at the time (their job) and generally starts things off on a very bad foot. To that end, I'd suggest being cautious with your "leverage" idea - although you have a point, IF she really wants to simply take you for whatever she can financially, I don't think it's super likely to stop her. The sister may have already told everyone anyway. If you think about it - if you're looking for amicability and cooperation from her, is revealing you had her investigated by a PI and showing the "evidence" found (which she will think of as her private info) to relatives a good way to go about getting that? Divorce is a major life change and this stuff with the "doubtful and condoms" seems to be game-playing to me - if you really want to have "the talk" about this, forget about sex and do that instead. I've gotta say, if she's blown up the marriage, it seems like the course you are setting yourself on here is stomping whatever pieces may be left into dust. Maybe that's ok with you, but again, I'd suggest you pause and think about what you really want here and how to best accomplish it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 3 minutes ago, USMC556 said: So my wife texted me that she thinks we should have sex tonight, its been over 3 months I think since we were intimate. I responded, highly doubtful, only with a condom. She responded with a bunch of question marks. Things are going to come to a head tonight I think. What a bizarre thing to text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 Just now, Gaeta said: What a bizarre thing to text. I agree. She knows something is up. That is my gut feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 10 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I very much appreciate your insight. I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday. I am so very sorry you are going through this. I have been there before. I was the wife who found texts on my husband's phone. But we had kids. I had been a SAHM for nearly 2 decades. Everyone had their opinion on how much I should stick it to him and what they believe I should get in the divorce. Those opinions don't hold up in the court if law. Many people were frustrated by my lack of desire to bring him to court and really punish him... to lay out all the proof... to embarrass him... really they all wanted vengeance and wanted to see it play out. But it doesn't work like that in true law/court. It would have just costs me more time, money, and a whole lot of stress. We easily divided up our assets, went with the child support schedule, and fought a bit on spousal support. We finally came to an agreement after 1 mediation appointment that we got no where and only served to costs us more money. But it was the only play I had at that time because he was still attempting to stall the divorce after a year. Just he careful and let your logical mind rule and not the emotional. It's hard, I know, but... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 Do you think that there is a possibility that she may have gotten herself pregnant and wants to make sure that she will be able to claim the baby is yours? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 8 minutes ago, Bryanp said: Do you think that there is a possibility that she may have gotten herself pregnant and wants to make sure that she will be able to claim the baby is yours? I don't think so but anything is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 Update Well the cats out of the bag. I came home from work, she was waiting for me in the kitchen. Tried to hug and kiss me, something that she has not done in a very long time. I didn't dance around the question, I asked her if she has or is with someone else emotionally, physically sexually. She said no, got defensive but then started to cry and came clean. I informed her that I do not want to reconcile and told her I want a divorce. I will be staying in a hotel tonight as to avoid conflict. She wouldn't answer how long this has been going on but to err on the side of caution I am going to get checked for STDS. I am gutted, heartbroken and feel hopeless. I put a lot of blood sweat and tears into the marriage. I have never cheated nor even looked in the direction of another woman only my soon to be ex wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 I have the nagging feeling that this might be some of my fault. I work crazy hours, my days off rotate and some holidays I cant celebrate due to my schedule. My work is stressful and sometimes I am guilty of bringing the job home. I tried to a good husband, I cant figure out what I did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 13 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I have the nagging feeling that this might be some of my fault. I work crazy hours, my days off rotate and some holidays I cant celebrate due to my schedule. My work is stressful and sometimes I am guilty of bringing the job home. I tried to a good husband, I cant figure out what I did wrong. I'm sorry that your marriage is over. You may have ignore her but she had options other than cheating. I'm married to a Marine veteran. I learned early on that sometimes I just have to get in his face & scream like a DI -- pay attention to me! I don't cheat. I speak up. Yes you may have a role in why she was unhappy but her decision to step outside your marriage was a character defect. That is not on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 37 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I have the nagging feeling that this might be some of my fault. I work crazy hours, my days off rotate and some holidays I cant celebrate due to my schedule. My work is stressful and sometimes I am guilty of bringing the job home. I tried to a good husband, I cant figure out what I did wrong. She cheated because she is a cheater. You are not responsible for her actions, no one put a gun on her head and said go-cheat. My ex cheated and l had these feelings of guilt that somehow it was my fault, with the help of this group here l grew out of that phase. Crazy hours or not, when we're unhappy in our marriage it's our responsibility to speak up. If nothing changes we leave...we don't cheat. If she had respect and love for you she would have left you instead of cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: She cheated because she is a cheater. You are not responsible for her actions, no one put a gun on her head and said go-cheat. My ex cheated and l had these feelings of guilt that somehow it was my fault, with the help of this group here l grew out of that phase. Crazy hours or not, when we're unhappy in our marriage it's our responsibility to speak up. If nothing changes we leave...we don't cheat. If she had respect and love for you she would have left you instead of cheating. Thank you so much Gaeta, you have no idea how much I appreciate your insight and words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: If she had respect and love for you she would have left you instead of cheating. Or she would have spoken with you to tell you that she was unhappy and worked with you to be a part of the solution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
princessaurora Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 I don't know if you came up with the idea you're partly to blame or if she put that in your head, but if it's the latter do not let her gaslight you! It's pretty common for the cheater to try and turn everything around so they can feel less guilty. Like others have said, you did not make her cheat. She had several other options to handle the situation. I have a friend whose husband won't have sex with her anymore and says mean things to her. She never cheated on him even though she easily could have. Instead she asked him if they could see a counselor. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, they still do not have the right to bring an affair partner into it, and in her case it may even been more than one. Definitely get checked for STDS since you don't know how far back this started. I'm sorry you're going through this awful situation, but I believe in the long run, you'll be at peace and realize without a doubt this woman was no longer worthy of being in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 8 Author Share Posted February 8 Hey everyone. So my soon to be ex wife and I spoke face to face for about 2-3 hours. My suspicions have been confirmed. She admitted to cheating, in graphic detail. Not only did she cheat, she had a threesome with two men and engaged in double penetration, no protection used. I didn't ask for the gory details however she provided them. I feel sick to my stomach. She would never engage in anal sex while we were intimate but did it with a random stranger. She wants to reconcile, I told her no way in hell. She begged me not to tell friends and family, I told her if she leaves my pensions alone then we cant broach the topic through attorneys. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 (edited) On 2/6/2024 at 8:34 AM, USMC556 said: And she definitely knows something is up, she texted me this morning "I think we need to talk". Maybe she will come clean but my gut is that she knows that I know. sorry about the latest update. you’ll be best to get her out asap! Whatever you do - do NOT have sex with her! Have her leave asap - her wanting to reconcile is crazy - she just wants to use you for security. That’s not fair to you. maybe you could expose her and her boss at their place they work? Or use the cheating/exposure tiger work as leverage for her to forfeit your retirement. Just try and use the info to get the divorce finalized in your favor. Be grateful you don’t have kids. you better move money so she doesn’t spend it all. Close credit cards she has access to. Edited February 8 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Wow!! People still have unprotected sex with stranfer! And anal sex on top of that mind blowing!! I can't imagine your shock! Go to your attorney asap!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts