USMC556 Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 I have been with my wife for approximately 15 years, married 13. When we met, I was active duty military and she was a flight attendant whom I met while flying home from a deployment. She flirted with me on the flight and gave her contact info. We kept in touch even though we lived in separate states. Out of happenstance, I moved to her state to accept employment with a LE agency. We reconnected and starting dating. We dated for about 2 years before I proposed. Things were blissful, until they were not. Fast forward to our marriage. I never really cared about her ex's or history, that really didn't mean anything to me. I am the present and the past is the past. As long as we are both healthy that is all that matters. She has been really distant lately. The sex stopped, the communication stopped. My spidey senses activated. Something was wrong. I had an inclination that she was seeing someone else. She was guarding her phone, something she never did. Her behavior changed. Her sister confided in me and told me she is having an affair with her boss. I am heartbroken. She doesnt know that I know. Not sure what 2 do next. I love her, but am disgusted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 I'm so sorry this happened to you. What do you want to do next? Do you want her to stop seeing this guy & work on your marriage? You need to tell her that. She might not want that. In that case, you default to divorce. Are you simply done? Semper fi is not just a slogan to Marines. If so, get your ducks in a row & have her served. Unfortunately you can't go back in time & have her not cheat. The VA has some good counselors. Yes many of them focus on combat issues & PTSD but they can support your though this too. Reach out. FWIW, thank you for your service. My husband is a Marine veteran too. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Sorry you're going through this, OP. Props to her sister for coming to you with this. Does she have any tangible evidence to offer you? (ex. messages from her sister about the affair or some such thing) It's time to sit your wife down and have an honest, difficult conversation. Look her in the eye and say that you know she has something to tell you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I'm so sorry this happened to you. What do you want to do next? Do you want her to stop seeing this guy & work on your marriage? You need to tell her that. She might not want that. In that case, you default to divorce. Are you simply done? Semper fi is not just a slogan to Marines. If so, get your ducks in a row & have her served. Unfortunately you can't go back in time & have her not cheat. The VA has some good counselors. Yes many of them focus on combat issues & PTSD but they can support your though this too. Reach out. FWIW, thank you for your service. My husband is a Marine veteran too. Thank you so much for the advice. Right now I am formulating a plan to confront her. I have to tread lightly and my proof has to be bulletproof if that makes sense. I’m gutted. I slept in the spare bedroom last night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Sorry you're going through this, OP. Props to her sister for coming to you with this. Does she have any tangible evidence to offer you? (ex. messages from her sister about the affair or some such thing) It's time to sit your wife down and have an honest, difficult conversation. Look her in the eye and say that you know she has something to tell you. The sister lived with us for a bit. I helped put her through nursing school. Yes there are text messages voice notes and other things as proof. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 28 minutes ago, USMC556 said: Right now I am formulating a plan to confront her. I have to tread lightly and my proof has to be bulletproof if that makes sense. It does on an emotional level but it's not the answer. You could have video of her & him but that wouldn't solve your problem. Don't worry about 'bullet proof' evidence. Just tell her what you know. In a no fault state which most of them are proof of infidelity doesn't change the financial outcome. All battleplans turn to garbage when the bullets start flying. You know that from your time in the Marines. This isn't much different (but it is or should be, less lethal, despite the probably death of your marriage) Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 1 hour ago, USMC556 said: The sister lived with us for a bit. I helped put her through nursing school. Yes there are text messages voice notes and other things as proof. Sorry this is happening. You do need a bit more objective information in order to confront her, especially if you are this close to the sister because she'll just say the sister is lying. She must sense something is up if you're sleeping on the sofa. Perhaps look into marriage therapy for a neutral professional atmosphere in which to address your findings and concerns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Do you have children together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 Thank you everyone for the replies. We have no children. Prior to her sister telling me I had a suspicion something was wrong. The sex stopped, she was guarding her phone, picking small fights with me, one night she came home smelling from what I can gather was another mans cologne. I tried my best to not be accusatory but if I inquired one bit she would fly off the handle. If this is in fact a bonafide infidelity situation, I don't want to reconcile, I cannot get past it and I want her out as fast as humanly possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Just now, USMC556 said: If this is in fact a bonafide infidelity situation, I don't want to reconcile, I cannot get past it and I want her out as fast as humanly possible. It is a bonafide infidelity situation. You have had your suspicions & the sister confirmed it. Since you don't to reconcile, start taking action. Go see a lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 Just to clarify about the sister whom I do trust. My wife a month or so ago went on a road trip to visit family, I had to work so I couldn't take off. The sister confided in me that it was not a family trip but rather she was meeting up with an old male friend of hers. I am not aware if they dated or were intimate in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It is a bonafide infidelity situation. You have had your suspicions & the sister confirmed it. Since you don't to reconcile, start taking action. Go see a lawyer. I have to have my ducks in a row first, I definitely need to see a lawyer, I don't want her to have access to my pension and other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 3 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I don't want her to have access to my pension and other things. This is something you had to take care of before marrying. Still go meet a lawyer. If you own a property together usually first one at the lawyer get to stay in the house during divorce procedures. You need to file quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: This is something you had to take care of before marrying. Still go meet a lawyer. If you own a property together usually first one at the lawyer get to stay in the house during divorce procedures. You need to file quickly. In regards to the pension, I was not married when I started working, but I will see a lawyer. Now I am working on confronting her or how exactly am I going to confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 (edited) 4 minutes ago, USMC556 said: In regards to the pension, I was not married when I started working, but I will see a lawyer. Now I am working on confronting her or how exactly am I going to confront her. Why do you need a confrontation? Go to the lawyer, get your things in order, try to have her leave the house legally. She will put 2 and 2 together. If you confront her all you have is her sister confining in you, of course she will deny everything and she'll convince you her sister is lying. I have been in a relationship with a cheater, they are good liars, they are so good they make you doubt your own judgement. Edited February 5 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Why do you need a confrontation? Go to the lawyer, get your things in order, try to have her leave the house legally. She will put 2 and 2 together. If you confront her all you have is her sister confining in you, of course she will deny everything and she'll convince you her sister is lying. I have been in a relationship with a cheater, they are good liars, they are so good they make you doubt your own judgement. I work with and read people all day long. I know she is lying (wife) not sister. I guess there is something to be said about no confrontation just filing and letting her get served. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 20 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I work with and read people all day long. I know she is lying (wife) not sister. I guess there is something to be said about no confrontation just filing and letting her get served. I confronted my cheater and he denied and denied even if I had proof and I had spoken to these women. He then went into the mode but you're the one I really love then he turned it against me everybody is more important than me. I found 0 closure in confronting him, he almost convinced me that it was my fault that he cheated. I got out of that confrontation completely destroyed. I would advice you to tell someone (a friend or family) what you're about to do. If you wish to confront her than she needs to leave the house (or you) right after. It would be good you have someone standing by that you can call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Sounds like you're in the US - if you've chosen to get divorced, in many states family attorneys (aka divorce lawyers) will give you a free 1/2 hr consult. This is a good opportunity to talk to a few, get some of your questions answered, and determine which ones you like. It can be hard to get a straight answer out of a lawyer (from their perspective it's because there's so much variation in outcomes) but you should be able to get SOME idea of what the lay of the land might look like in terms of the laws and so forth. Remember that in the US we have essentially 50 different sets of laws (although there are commonalities) AND jurisdictional variation, so really only a family lawyer in your jurisdiction will be able to give solid advice; I'd suggest you not put too much stock in advice from friends or similar, however well-intentioned it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 Friday I have an appointment with an attorney to see about my options. I don't want to reconcile, I want her out of my life. Another man defiled her, there is absolutely no coming back from that. Link to post Share on other sites
dancehead Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Sorry this, happened to you. Divorce her ass ASAP. Get a good lawyer and be smart. Get evidence from her. This is why I will never get married. Marriage is an outdated concept Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 I am not sure if this was the right thing to do but I just hired a private investigator that specializes in infidelity. In about a weeks time things should be uncovered. That way I will have solid proof in hand for divorce reasons. I provided her schedule, work, car, plate # and other details pertinent to the investigation. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 (edited) 4 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I am not sure if this was the right thing to do but I just hired a private investigator that specializes in infidelity. In about a weeks time things should be uncovered. That way I will have solid proof in hand for divorce reasons. I provided her schedule, work, car, plate # and other details pertinent to the investigation. I'm sorry it's all ended this way. But what's with the PI? Is it just for your own peace of mind? Edited February 5 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 6 minutes ago, USMC556 said: I am not sure if this was the right thing to do but I just hired a private investigator that specializes in infidelity. I’m sorry to say, it’s a waste of money. You have already decided what you want to do - no need to gather evidence or confront her. I would visit a lawyer and serve her papers - no discussion necessary. Personally, I would have the discussion before the papers are served but as was said above, I would simply say “I know there is something you need to tell me…” And then listen to what she says. It wouldn’t change my decision, I would just be curious to know what/how much she shares… As for the pension, that will be considered a marital asset and she will be entitled to half. The law is very clear about certain things and your lawyer will walk you through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 1 hour ago, USMC556 said: I am not sure if this was the right thing to do but I just hired a private investigator that specializes in infidelity. In about a weeks time things should be uncovered. That way I will have solid proof in hand for divorce reasons. I provided her schedule, work, car, plate # and other details pertinent to the investigation. I'm not American but l doubt you need proof of anything to get a divorce. Do it for your own peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMC556 Posted February 6 Author Share Posted February 6 6 hours ago, basil67 said: I'm sorry it's all ended this way. But what's with the PI? Is it just for your own peace of mind? Hi there, sorry for the delayed response. Yes for my piece of mind and to actually have empirical data to show her if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
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