Feel like I'm Destined to be Alone.

[Calmandfocused]

49 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There are two pieces in this…

 

1. men are intimidated if you make more than them. They think they lose their manhood if they aren’t the breadwinner and feel emasculated.

2. the men are fine with it but they thing she is not so they don’t pursue it because if there are big differences that can mean a different lifestyle they can’t support/ survive in.  for example if you always want to do high end restsurants snd 5+ star hotels and thst doesn’t fit them. Another person at the sme income has no interest in that lifestyle.   I’ve known successful woman who expect the men they date to make something in the same ball park or they have a similar level of profession. For example — doctor, lawyer, professor, engineering partner, MBA/senior exec would date each other.  some might include low paying, masters or higher education level but the salary just isn’t in the same area as what was mentioned before.

 

when it comes to paying things do you expect him to pay?  Do you look at at proportional income levels like if your salary was $250,000 and his was $125,000 then it’s 2:1 payments for things?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh gosh I’m not like that at all. I don’t go to fancy restaurants. I’d rather go to the local family pub/ curry house with the kids. 
 

I shop vinted and charity shops as I love a bargain! 🤩. I go on family friendly holidays and I love a pint! 
 

All my money goes into my house, my children’s education, savings and retirement funds. I want to be mortgage free asap. This is a much better investment than staying in fancy hotels or eating (pathetically small) fancy meals in a fancy restaurant, in my opinion. 
 

Living an expensive lifestyle is not me. I like to keep it real! 
 

I always split the bill on the first date, unless the guy strongly objects. If I like him  I’ll offer to pay “next time”. It’s a situation I’ve navigated well, and I therefore never feel that I owe anyone anything because I don’t. 
 

I paid 100%, my ex husband paid nothing. This was a major factor in our divorce. 
 

I don’t mind paying for more proportionally but living with another guy is not my objective, at least not  for the short term. 
 

I operate by the rule that I don’t want anyone to financially support me and I don’t want to financially support  them either. 

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

You’re right A and I second your attitude. Having a relationship is not the be all and end all of life. It’s totally possible to still be fulfilled and I’m fully aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. 

Yabadabadoo.

You've successfully used up your one allotted pity party for the year. 🤗

Edited February 7 by Alpacalia

[Ami1uwant]

46 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Oh gosh I’m not like that at all. I don’t go to fancy restaurants. I’d rather go to the local family pub/ curry house with the kids. 
 

I shop vinted and charity shops as I love a bargain! 🤩. I go on family friendly holidays and I love a pint! 
 

All my money goes into my house, my children’s education, savings and retirement funds. I want to be mortgage free asap. This is a much better investment than staying in fancy hotels or eating (pathetically small) fancy meals in a fancy restaurant, in my opinion. 
 

Living an expensive lifestyle is not me. I like to keep it real! 
 

I always split the bill on the first date, unless the guy strongly objects. If I like him  I’ll offer to pay “next time”. It’s a situation I’ve navigated well, and I therefore never feel that I owe anyone anything because I don’t. 
 

I paid 100%, my ex husband paid nothing. This was a major factor in our divorce. 
 

I don’t mind paying for more proportionally but living with another guy is not my objective, at least not  for the short term. 
 

I operate by the rule that I don’t want anyone to financially support me and I don’t want to financially support  them either. 

That is a character thing you need to use in your matching criteria if you are not that type of person I described.

their income earned shouldn’t be an issue to you. When looking just look for someone who has a professional career.

 

that living thing is an issue in your screening.  Going into a relationship if I was going to date someone thrn thr though in my mind ( not talked about on a first meeting directly).  By say 12-18 months in you are at a cross roads on a relationship of things like marriage and living together.  If you feel you aren’t going to do this for say 5 yetis thrn this in itself coukd be a turn off.

 

over my years of meeting people online…early on in talking to someone I might have found out that they just bought a house.  What does that say to me? That means that’s  where they are likely living thr next 5+ years. Does that work for me in terms of a LTR like with driving/ seeing them vs where I currently live and work.   This could be a plus because this person lives a few miles from where I work. If this was on the opposite side of the metro area from where I live and work then this might be only a weekend thing for the foreseeable future.  This factors into decisions on staying in a relationship or backing out and not pursuing something.

 

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

But surely this was an exception right? We have to be careful to not generalize. A good number of men online are there to get over someone, that we know. We filter them. Usually after 2 years being single they're pretty much over their ex. There are exceptions yes  but it's not the norm for men divorced 3 years to be sobbing. 

I have a collection of horror stories from online dating but I have also an equal amount of good stories, good men that would have been good boyfriends to someone, just not me, we did not click in that way and that was ok but, there are good available serious men out there. 

Oh yes he was an exception for sure. But the point is there was no sign that was obvious to me from the offset how much he was struggling. 
 

However on reflection there were subtle signs that emotionally he wasn’t in a good place. Such as: He made a point to tell me over and over again how he’s got his life together now which gave me an inkling that the opposite may be true.  Who you trying to convince mate? Me or you? 
 

Emotionally healthy people don’t need to repetitively make the point that they are. 
 

I’ve no issue with a man crying. In fact i find it commendable. What I do have an issue with is a man crying over a woman who is not me! 
 

To the other comments, he wasn’t crying over the kids. They were only going 20 mins up the road, to a better school, and he’d actually see them more often (I got the full story from start to finish). He was crying over his ex wife moving on. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Such as: He made a point to tell me over and over again how he’s got his life together now which gave me an inkling that the opposite may be true.  Who you trying to convince mate? Me or you? 

So true!! I was always suspicious of men informing me that they are so faithful, so generous, and the ones l am the most afraid of are men going out of their way to tell you they're not violent, l stay away from those. A normal man does not make a point of telling you he hates violent men. 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

That is a character thing you need to use in your matching criteria if you are not that type of person I described.

their income earned shouldn’t be an issue to you. When looking just look for someone who has a professional career.

 

that living thing is an issue in your screening.  Going into a relationship if I was going to date someone thrn thr though in my mind ( not talked about on a first meeting directly).  By say 12-18 months in you are at a cross roads on a relationship of things like marriage and living together.  If you feel you aren’t going to do this for say 5 yetis thrn this in itself coukd be a turn off.

 

over my years of meeting people online…early on in talking to someone I might have found out that they just bought a house.  What does that say to me? That means that’s  where they are likely living thr next 5+ years. Does that work for me in terms of a LTR like with driving/ seeing them vs where I currently live and work.   This could be a plus because this person lives a few miles from where I work. If this was on the opposite side of the metro area from where I live and work then this might be only a weekend thing for the foreseeable future.  This factors into decisions on staying in a relationship or backing out and not pursuing something.

 

Yes! You understand what I’m saying exactly. 
 

I’m very tolerant and accepting of people. I don’t mind what someone does for a job but I do expect  them to have one. 
 

I don’t mind if they don’t own their own home but I do expect them to have a fixed abode. 
 

This is why I’m still unsure why some people think my criteria is too high. Which expectation should I reduce? Should I not care if someone has a home/ job or whether or not they’re a nice person?
 

Don’t forget I’ve got my children to think about and any choices I make affects them too. 
 

I’ve no plans to remarry even if I do ever live with someone again. Not sure what the rules are elsewhere but marriage in the U.K. automatically signs over your children’s inheritance - it’s a bit more complicated than that but that basically sums it up. 
 

That’s definitely not on my agenda. 

Edited February 7 by Calmandfocused

[ZA Dater]

[ ] I think your expectations are reasonable and in no way are they unobtainable and my suggestion is to not deviate from what you want to simply date someone. The inherent problem is the instant gratification society is seemingly demanding and it means that people via dating apps have much greater choice than they would normally have if they had to go out and meet people.

Edited February 8 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
respect to other posts

[Ami1uwant]

13 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes! You understand what I’m saying exactly. 
 

I’m very tolerant and accepting of people. I don’t mind what someone does for a job but I do expect  them to have one. 
 

I don’t mind if they don’t own their own home but I do expect them to have a fixed abode. 
 

This is why I’m still unsure why some people think my criteria is too high. Which expectation should I reduce? Should I not care if someone has a home/ job or whether or not they’re a nice person?
 

Don’t forget I’ve got my children to think about and any choices I make affects them too. 
 

I’ve no plans to remarry even if I do ever live with someone again. Not sure what the rules are elsewhere but marriage in the U.K. automatically signs over your children’s inheritance - it’s a bit more complicated than that but that basically sums it up. 
 

That’s definitely not on my agenda. 

In USA….marriage factors into college.  One prior relationship I had she had a teenage daughter in high school.  Child’s father was really not involved in her life.  My income was about double hers.  I told her about 6 months in that I couldn’t marry her for a long time ( till she graduated college) because under US rules on college household income counts so even though this was not my daughter, my income factored into her college aid she’d get if we got married.  her income was low enough tThat made her eligible for many programs for financial aid.  Had her daughter had an active father in her life and his income was like mine and they had planned on college financially things would have been different.  If I was dating you here in the US the same thing.  If I knew you were making more than me and you had been saving for college for your kids college education then that would lessen my concerns.

 

 

I have a feeling you might be too picky where you passed over potential decent matches for various reasons either before first date or after first date. If you waited todo this till after date 3 things would be different.  
 

Stop trying to find negatives sbout potrntial people you could date, instead look at positives.  Many in online dating look for faults or reasons to exclude first rather than positives.  Of course I’m not saying dismissing thing like creepy or uncomfortable or major red flags.  Don’t claim thry are red flags ehrn they are not.

 

it’s fine to screen pre date on things like the fact you have children at a certain ages which means they are still a big part of your life for the next decade.
 

there have been many stories/ studies on this where online dating you had two in the same town happened to meet and date and they might be considered 85% match so a good match and may have had a long relationship.  Meeting now in online dating world they might have just did one date only because it wasn’t ideal/ fantasy/ magical on date one/ first meet.  If they had met thr old fashioned way where they didn’t have this list of possible other dates they might have made more of an effort.

 

in online dating there are parallel behavior to general consumer behavior in shopping.  
 

Studies have shown when you have those store are samples to try and buy. If thry have 3 or so to samp,e. Thry try, buy, snd buy again. Instead if thry have say 12+ flavors thry get overwhelmed in deciding and don’t choose and buy making them a lost customer.  
 

in shopping for clothes. One may go to one store and like the shirt but they want to see what’s out there so they go around to different stores looking for what else is out there. In the meantime a different shopper comes in sees it and buys it.  When first shopper comes back to get it, it’s gone.  This is revered to maximizer shopping vs satisfyer shopping. The first customer was the maximizer.

 

other studies have shown problems with career successful dating for women —the guys say I’d hire her but I wouldn’t date her.  I think what it says is guys don’t want a date like an interview or work meeting.

 

there are a few books out there, a bit older, they have a lot with online dating but probsbly lack  in smart phone apps thst might trigger meeting like nearby dating apps or things like hinge, bumble, tinder.  One is “ have him at hello” and “ Marty him” thst both talk about online dating and how it’s harder for career women.

 

[Calmandfocused]

30 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

In USA….marriage factors into college.  One prior relationship I had she had a teenage daughter in high school.  Child’s father was really not involved in her life.  My income was about double hers.  I told her about 6 months in that I couldn’t marry her for a long time ( till she graduated college) because under US rules on college household income counts so even though this was not my daughter, my income factored into her college aid she’d get if we got married.  her income was low enough tThat made her eligible for many programs for financial aid.  Had her daughter had an active father in her life and his income was like mine and they had planned on college financially things would have been different.  If I was dating you here in the US the same thing.  If I knew you were making more than me and you had been saving for college for your kids college education then that would lessen my concerns.

 

 

I have a feeling you might be too picky where you passed over potential decent matches for various reasons either before first date or after first date. If you waited todo this till after date 3 things would be different.  
 

Stop trying to find negatives sbout potrntial people you could date, instead look at positives.  Many in online dating look for faults or reasons to exclude first rather than positives.  Of course I’m not saying dismissing thing like creepy or uncomfortable or major red flags.  Don’t claim thry are red flags ehrn they are not.

 

it’s fine to screen pre date on things like the fact you have children at a certain ages which means they are still a big part of your life for the next decade.
 

there have been many stories/ studies on this where online dating you had two in the same town happened to meet and date and they might be considered 85% match so a good match and may have had a long relationship.  Meeting now in online dating world they might have just did one date only because it wasn’t ideal/ fantasy/ magical on date one/ first meet.  If they had met thr old fashioned way where they didn’t have this list of possible other dates they might have made more of an effort.

 

in online dating there are parallel behavior to general consumer behavior in shopping.  
 

Studies have shown when you have those store are samples to try and buy. If thry have 3 or so to samp,e. Thry try, buy, snd buy again. Instead if thry have say 12+ flavors thry get overwhelmed in deciding and don’t choose and buy making them a lost customer.  
 

in shopping for clothes. One may go to one store and like the shirt but they want to see what’s out there so they go around to different stores looking for what else is out there. In the meantime a different shopper comes in sees it and buys it.  When first shopper comes back to get it, it’s gone.  This is revered to maximizer shopping vs satisfyer shopping. The first customer was the maximizer.

 

other studies have shown problems with career successful dating for women —the guys say I’d hire her but I wouldn’t date her.  I think what it says is guys don’t want a date like an interview or work meeting.

 

there are a few books out there, a bit older, they have a lot with online dating but probsbly lack  in smart phone apps thst might trigger meeting like nearby dating apps or things like hinge, bumble, tinder.  One is “ have him at hello” and “ Marty him” thst both talk about online dating and how it’s harder for career women.

 

Oh my! You are a man! I thought you were a woman. 
 

You don’t happen to be single, mid 40s, attractive, emotionally available with your life together do you? …….

🤩

I’m just kidding. I don’t do long distance either 😂

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Which expectation should I reduce?

Well I think it depends on what you’re qualifying as attractive and  has their “life together”. There’s a wide range with both of those things. 

However my impression was you have met men that did check all your boxes - they just weren’t interested in you for whatever reason (kids etc.). Which would be pretty normal. However if you don’t meet any men that satisfy your criteria then it’s one of two issues. Either you are too picky which generally means you rate yourself a little too highly. Or just as likely the opposite problem where you struggle with self worth so the common defense mechanism of “reject them before they can reject me” is in play.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Which expectation should I reduce?

Their looks.  Maybe don't look for someone so handsome.

[Calmandfocused]

About 4 years ago I was in therapy for a year with a specialist relationship therapist. 
 

My issue wasn’t that I couldn’t find a partner. My issue was that every guy I met would be narcissistic and/ or abusive. They flocked to me like flies to a piece of 💩. I had no shortage of interest. In fact I was inundated. 

At the time I couldn’t understand why. Why was I attracted to them, why were they targeting me, and what could I do to get the hell away from them for good? 
 

My therapist helped me realise that my standards were very low. That I was subconsciously tolerating bad behaviour because I was confusing abuse for love, and I was addicted to the highs (and the sex). I’d make excuses for my partner at the time. I couldn’t acknowledge the gravity of how wrong his behaviours were. “Yes but he’s a wonderful man” (when he was anything but) was a fundamental reason why I stayed with him. 
 

So one of the pieces of work I did with my therapist was to identify my values, raise my standards and more importantly: understand what  I will/ will not tolerate in a relationship. This was designed to make sure I aborted mission with unsuitables asap. 

I still draw on my therapy to this day. I no longer attract the abusers, and I am no longer attracted to them. I can recognise them a mile off. 
 

So no, I’m not going to lower my standards. As I said I don’t want someone really good looking. I want someone I’m attracted to. Not the same thing. 
 

And everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone they’re attracted to. I can’t see what’s wrong with that. 
 

I’ve just read that other thread by that poor woman who is marrying an abuser in April. It truly gave me horrors! Keeping my standards high keeps me well clear of men like that. 
 

But I understand that you’re trying to help me and I do appreciate it. I just wanted to give you a sense of why I’m so “picky”. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I just wanted to give you a sense of why I’m so “picky”. 

It’s interesting that me and others haven’t said you could lower your expectations on the deeper qualities such as reliability, dependability, loyalty, kindness, empathy, compassion, etc. We pretty much specifically targeted shallower aspects like looks or money / income etc. Because while you say this:

 

11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

 As I said I don’t want someone really good looking. I want someone I’m attracted to. Not the same thing. 
 

We have no idea what kinds of guys you find attractive. Or as I said earlier what you consider to be having one’s “life together”. If you’re attracted to tall, dark and handsome, educated and professional, you'll probably continue to struggle as those guys are in so much demand. And can also be narcissistic etc. 

And perhaps it was putting attraction first that you got yourself into relationship trouble in the first place as you may have ignored all the flags. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s interesting that me and others haven’t said you could lower your expectations on the deeper qualities such as reliability, dependability, loyalty, kindness, empathy, compassion, etc. We pretty much specifically targeted shallower aspects like looks or money / income etc. Because while you say this:

 

We have no idea what kinds of guys you find attractive. Or as I said earlier what you consider to be having one’s “life together”. If you’re attracted to tall, dark and handsome, educated and professional, you'll probably continue to struggle as those guys are in so much demand. And can also be narcissistic etc. 

And perhaps it was putting attraction first that you got yourself into relationship trouble in the first place as you may have ignored all the flags. 

Not bothered about whether they have money. But I do expect them to be able to financially support themselves. 
 

In terms of looks, no the “tall dark and handsome” descriptor is way off the mark. In fact the majority of men in age range online do not have hair at all. 
 

Not bothered about height. I’m happy for a dad bod. But own teeth, a nice smile, and not being tattooed up to the eyeballs is a must 😊

Your last paragraph touched a nerve. You’re right: I’ve made very bad choices in the past based on sexual chemistry, limerence, and infatuation. Not healthy. Screws with your ration and logic, to the point of insanity - or at least that’s how it’s felt. It blinds you. 

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

 

So no, I’m not going to lower my standards. As I said I don’t want someone really good looking. I want someone I’m attracted to. Not the same thing. 
 

Nor should you ever. I cannot fathom as to why the apparent answer for people who struggle to date is to reduce the superficial standards they have. There are some great videos on line which talk about the aspects involved in doing exactly this and the affects , few of which are positive.

Its ok to admit attraction does equate to good looking, absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.  Reading your posts my take away is you need to connect with someone on an intellectual basis as well as a physical one. Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn but it would seem what you are finding are guys who really are not very intellectual and you cannot have a decent conversation with them. Equally you are also finding guys who are not very motivated in life and thus this means an instant lack of connection.

Its all very well to say change an outlook but my view is if you find specific things attractive and others not its virtually impossible to change those aspects and try substitute those for other qualities. Would you say you are looking for an overall attractive guy?

[Gaeta]

What attracts me has changed so many times over the years, and each time my type of man changed it was because I had gone on a date with a man 'not my type'. Then over the course of a coffee I grew attracted. Don't put yourself in a box. If the man has his life on track, is articulate, seems a gentleman, go on a date with him even if he has no hair (bald is so sexy :-))

This one time (I feel like the girl in American Pie that keeps saying  and this one time, at band camp! lol. So this one time this short albinos guy invited me for a coffee. I debated with my daughter if I should go as I really did not feel attracted to his look. She convinced  me to go. I discovered a really funny guy, smart, interesting, and we dated 3 months - he dumped me lol. When I got back home after that first date I told my daughter - he's hugly but sexy ugly like a vilan in star trek ugly-sexy! lol Anyway, keep your  mind open when it comes to attraction! 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

My therapist helped me realise that my standards were very low.  So one of the pieces of work I did with my therapist was to identify my values, raise my standards I still draw on my therapy to this day

It's excellent you're seeing a therapist and exploring this. Especially the relationship between coming from an alcoholic abusive family and the blindspots in that type of "normalizing" and conditioning to accept the unacceptable.

It's not about being a single mother or having a high-powered profession. This goes deeper than that.

Sometimes people still rationalize excess drinking, drug use, etc because the individual is "functional" or they overlook abusive red flags because the abuse is more insidious or covert. 

Great you're going to therapy. You seem to have excellent insight as to what's going on. 

[fishlips]

I think you're looking in the wrong places. Unlike the others, I don't think online dating is bad. You're probably just on the wrong websites. A lot of them are filled with people looking for hookups, but there are legitimate ones based on hobbies, interests, culture, religion etc. Surely there is one for single parents. You could also look IRL by participating in your children's school activities, taking a class, etc.  

I think you are right that a lot of men have issues with women making more money than them, but not all do. Hang in there!

[Calmandfocused]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Nor should you ever. I cannot fathom as to why the apparent answer for people who struggle to date is to reduce the superficial standards they have. There are some great videos on line which talk about the aspects involved in doing exactly this and the affects , few of which are positive.

Its ok to admit attraction does equate to good looking, absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.  Reading your posts my take away is you need to connect with someone on an intellectual basis as well as a physical one. Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn but it would seem what you are finding are guys who really are not very intellectual and you cannot have a decent conversation with them. Equally you are also finding guys who are not very motivated in life and thus this means an instant lack of connection.

Its all very well to say change an outlook but my view is if you find specific things attractive and others not its virtually impossible to change those aspects and try substitute those for other qualities. Would you say you are looking for an overall attractive guy?

Yes ZA

I need that sexual attraction. The vibes, the feels, the chemistry, whatever you want to call it. 
 

Whenever the answer to my own questions (could I kiss him, have sex with him) is “yeah he’s alright” (without a feeling of revulsion) I will give it a few more dates.

However this hasn’t approach hasn’t worked. My feelings have never grown. I’ve only got as far as feeling “meh” and indifferent about them. Ive felt nothing when I kiss them, and at times I’ve got the ick. 

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s 0 point of me continuing to date someone if I’m not attracted to him. It’s just wasting everyone’s time. 
 

And yes ZA. I need the intellectual and emotional connection too. Doesn’t matter how good looking a guy is. If he’s emotionally unavailable or can’t hold a decent conversation, I’m not interested. 
 

I don’t fancy the “good looking” stereotypes. The Brad Pitt’s and George Clooneys do nothing for me. Looks wise I like men who are a bit quirky and different. I like anything from the studious, nerdy guy to a rugged, hairy man. 
 

But I don’t like a man who has let himself go to pot. Most look like (from their pics) that they’ve given up.

Bathroom/ half naked pics of a middle aged man, who is not in good shape is an immediate rejection for me - ick time! Why on Earth would any man think such a pic is a good idea? 
 

I also don’t understand selfies taken in the car with sunglasses on (very common), or pictures of them holding a pint, no upper clothing on with beer belly and 20 year old tats on full display…. Thank you but no thank you! 
 

However I know what you’re all saying. One of those guys may just be my dream bloke. But I can’t get past those pics. I’m sorry 😞 
 

 

Edited February 9 by Calmandfocused

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, fishlips said:

I think you're looking in the wrong places. Unlike the others, I don't think online dating is bad. You're probably just on the wrong websites. A lot of them are filled with people looking for hookups, but there are legitimate ones based on hobbies, interests, culture, religion etc. Surely there is one for single parents. You could also look IRL by participating in your children's school activities, taking a class, etc.  

I think you are right that a lot of men have issues with women making more money than them, but not all do. Hang in there!

I am definitely going to take everyone’s advice on this. 
 

I’m getting offline and getting out there instead. OLD clearly isn’t for me.

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's excellent you're seeing a therapist and exploring this. Especially the relationship between coming from an alcoholic abusive family and the blindspots in that type of "normalizing" and conditioning to accept the unacceptable.

It's not about being a single mother or having a high-powered profession. This goes deeper than that.

Sometimes people still rationalize excess drinking, drug use, etc because the individual is "functional" or they overlook abusive red flags because the abuse is more insidious or covert. 

Great you're going to therapy. You seem to have excellent insight as to what's going on. 

I’ve not been in therapy now for years WM. 
 

The point is that she did such a good job on me that I now can’t find anyone at all. 😂

[Weezy1973]

29 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:
 

The point is that she did such a good job on me that I now can’t find anyone at all. 😂

I suspect the reason might be is that you’re actually sexually attracted to the same types of guys you always were, it’s just you know those guys aren’t good for you so you stay away. So when presented with the other options, there’s just nobody that turns your crank. 
 

Kind of like if one for whatever reason loves junk food, but wants to live a healthy lifestyle, they don’t magically grow new tastebuds and love vegetables. They still love junk food; they just know it’s not healthy for them long term.

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Bathroom/ half naked pics of a middle aged man, who is not in good shape is an immediate rejection for me - ick time!

I can understand that but keep in mind middle aged men who are physically fit and good looking are looking for women much younger than them.  Or is they do go for a woman close to their age they normally want one who is as goodlooking as them or better and physically fit.

[Alpacalia]

I don't think you're talking about anything specifically unique. Of course people that date want to date someone that they are physically attracted to and has their act together. That's just basic human nature and what most people look for in a partner. So, no, it's not just you.

Sadly, what led you to the dark path in the first place is the need to use the wrong criteria. Your version of "chemical attraction" is bound to lead to failure. People are notorious for being unwaveringly wrong about what is going to be good for them, both in people and things. Therefore, the fetishy attributes that you believe you want are not going to be consistent with whomever is going to make you happy long term.

A good person with needed qualities would fail to meet your standards, in spite of being good for you. Unfortunately, we both know that attraction is not something that can be turned on or off. It's just something that is either there or not there. It's just something that's mysteriously there one day and is not there the day after. I understand that you have been hurt and had a certain type of pattern in the past, but I don't know if it's effective to lead with judgement nor by some mysterious and somewhat superstitious attraction force that you cannot control. Nor do I know if it's a good idea to bring fear into attraction, which is what I think I'm hearing when I'm hearing you saying you want to date people that give you feelings.

I think we all want that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling when in the early stages of a relationship. But I also think we should be careful not to confuse that with true compatibility and mutual respect and affection. And I don't think we should limit ourselves to certain superficial markers that may not really say anything about the person's character or potential for being a good partner.

Attraction is a complex mix of physical, intellectual, and emotional chemistry. And I believe it's important to find someone who checks off your important boxes and also challenges you to grow and be a better person. I'm not saying that you should settle for someone that doesn't physically attract you, but to be open to giving someone a chance who may not fit your usual physical type, but has other qualities that could make them an amazing match for you.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes ZA

I need that sexual attraction. The vibes, the feels, the chemistry, whatever you want to call it. 
 

Whenever the answer to my own questions (could I kiss him, have sex with him) is “yeah he’s alright” (without a feeling of revulsion) I will give it a few more dates.

However this hasn’t approach hasn’t worked. My feelings have never grown. I’ve only got as far as feeling “meh” and indifferent about them. Ive felt nothing when I kiss them, and at times I’ve got the ick. 

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s 0 point of me continuing to date someone if I’m not attracted to him. It’s just wasting everyone’s time. 
 

And yes ZA. I need the intellectual and emotional connection too. Doesn’t matter how good looking a guy is. If he’s emotionally unavailable or can’t hold a decent conversation, I’m not interested. 
 

I don’t fancy the “good looking” stereotypes. The Brad Pitt’s and George Clooneys do nothing for me. Looks wise I like men who are a bit quirky and different. I like anything from the studious, nerdy guy to a rugged, hairy man. 
 

But I don’t like a man who has let himself go to pot. Most look like (from their pics) that they’ve given up.

Bathroom/ half naked pics of a middle aged man, who is not in good shape is an immediate rejection for me - ick time! Why on Earth would any man think such a pic is a good idea? 
 

I also don’t understand selfies taken in the car with sunglasses on (very common), or pictures of them holding a pint, no upper clothing on with beer belly and 20 year old tats on full display…. Thank you but no thank you! 
 

However I know what you’re all saying. One of those guys may just be my dream bloke. But I can’t get past those pics. I’m sorry 😞 
 

 

This is the thing, to be honest I have never bought into feelings grow over time, either you find the person attractive or you dont.

I think you are better off avoiding OLD completely, with respect if you are looking for an intellectual connection you are simply unlikely to find it there, you may find a physical one but I sense both connections are needed.

My suggestion, maybe just take a break from looking, rest your mind in that regard. Honestly I think the right guy will appreciate you but as you have seen finding people with more than one good quality is very difficult.

OLD pictures are often cringe worthy the pool I have is simply full of people wearing what does not suit their body type do yes poor judgement in pics is universal!

My best advice to you is do not compromise for compromise sake, in general when someone is struggling with something it's far easier to do an analysis on that person than it is to admit that just maybe the factor's that person cannot control are negatively affecting the outcome.