Feel like I'm Destined to be Alone.

[basil67]

I also agree about the pictures.  I could look at pictures of a hundred regular men and have no interest in any of them. But put me on a room regular men where I can see their facial expressions, their smile and the light in their eyes and it's a whole different story.   

I'm afraid that your bar is unreasonably high.  Of course, that's your prerogative, but as you have seen, it does come with consequences.

Have you tried speed dating?  

 

[Trail Blazer]

Sorry to hear that you're stuggling in the dating game, @Calmandfocused

On paper, you sound like a real catch.  Unfortunately, many men don't see it that way, though.  Two children are a deal-breaker for many guys, Unfortunately.

You've had a bit of bad luck interacting with guys who find your job to emasculate them.  It's definitely not all men, but many who are insecure feel threatened.

It's an unfortunate situation for women that the higher (objective) value the woman is, the fewer compatible matches she will find.  You are seemingly in this predicament.

I think your only option is to take a step back for now and just let things run their course.  Focus on the positives in your life and let the dominoes fall where they will.

Do not give up on your hopes of finding a good man.  However, don't also get bogged down worrying about things that are largely out of your control.

As someone else said, it hasn't happened until it does.  Many people say that they met the love of their life... after they stopped looking!  I hope the same happens to you.

All the best,

TB.

 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree that pictures are not the most effective way of judging someone’s attractiveness. Some attractive people take a terrible picture and vice versa. 
 

But you’re right. A picture cannot give you someone’s vibe. It can’t depict idiosyncrasies that make a person unique, quirky and attractive. These are the sort of things you notice when you meet someone in real life and not through a picture. 
 

I always ask myself 2 questions when I’m on a date with a man: “can I see myself kissing this person?” and “ could I see myself having sex with this person?”. 
 

The answer is usually “No” and “No thank you”. Not because these men are disgusting. They’re nice guys. I’m just not sexually attracted to them ☹️. 

You say the men you are usually attracted to end up being emotionally unavailable.  The problem is your picker is off.  You need to address that.  Why are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men?  Those are the ones who end up being heartbreakers and have no shortage of women.

[Calmandfocused]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I also agree about the pictures.  I could look at pictures of a hundred regular men and have no interest in any of them. But put me on a room regular men where I can see their facial expressions, their smile and the light in their eyes and it's a whole different story.   

I'm afraid that your bar is unreasonably high.  Of course, that's your prerogative, but as you have seen, it does come with consequences.

Have you tried speed dating?  

 

You know speed dating didn’t even enter my head. I haven’t done that since I was about 23 with a group of friends. Nice one! I’ll look into that. 
 

I disagree that my bar is high. I honestly don’t think I’m asking for much. All I’m after is a nice guy, who has his life together, who is wanting a relationship, and who I’m attracted to. 
 

That isn’t too much to ask is it? 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You say the men you are usually attracted to end up being emotionally unavailable.  The problem is your picker is off.  You need to address that.  Why are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men?  Those are the ones who end up being heartbreakers and have no shortage of women.

Thanks Still. 
 

I should have made myself more clear. 
 

I’m not referring to the players and the womanisers. I mean the emotionally unavailable guys who are in no place/ position to pursue a new relationship, even if they think they are.
 

Usually those who are still emotionally unrecovered from a previous relationship breakdown.

Unfortunately this detail is not always evident before I’ve met them. 
 

Im not interested in dealing with any ex drama or playing the role of therapist.
 

From my point of view I don’t want to be drinking from an empty cup. 

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Sorry to hear that you're stuggling in the dating game, @Calmandfocused

On paper, you sound like a real catch.  Unfortunately, many men don't see it that way, though.  Two children are a deal-breaker for many guys, Unfortunately.

You've had a bit of bad luck interacting with guys who find your job to emasculate them.  It's definitely not all men, but many who are insecure feel threatened.

It's an unfortunate situation for women that the higher (objective) value the woman is, the fewer compatible matches she will find.  You are seemingly in this predicament.

I think your only option is to take a step back for now and just let things run their course.  Focus on the positives in your life and let the dominoes fall where they will.

Do not give up on your hopes of finding a good man.  However, don't also get bogged down worrying about things that are largely out of your control.

As someone else said, it hasn't happened until it does.  Many people say that they met the love of their life... after they stopped looking!  I hope the same happens to you.

All the best,

TB.

 

Thanks TB. 
 

Yeah, you’ve echoed my thoughts exactly. 
 

I’m certainly not unhappy being single. I don’t feel like there is a huge void in my life or anything like that. 
 

The only real downside is the forced life of celibacy and the lack of intimacy/ affection which I do find sad sometimes. 
 

And before people suggest it, I don’t want hook ups, FWBs, threesomes etc. Not for me. I’d sooner carry on going without. 

[Trail Blazer]

30 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks TB. 
 

Yeah, you’ve echoed my thoughts exactly. 
 

I’m certainly not unhappy being single. I don’t feel like there is a huge void in my life or anything like that. 
 

The only real downside is the forced life of celibacy and the lack of intimacy/ affection which I do find sad sometimes. 
 

And before people suggest it, I don’t want hook ups, FWBs, threesomes etc. Not for me. I’d sooner carry on going without. 

Yes, I do understand that.

I was talking with my partner a few weeks back on our way home from her picking me up from the airport.  Without adding too much of the context, one of the things she said was, "feeling loved and wanting to give love in return is a basic human need".

Of course, "need" is different from an absolute necessity to survive, as we need food, water and oxygenated blood to remain existent - love is a fundamental need in order to live a fulfilling life.  More than anything, for most it is a number one choice - to find someone with whom we can equally love and be loved by.

It is sad to think that many people go through life not finding that person.  So many people, millions, billions of people in the world we will never have a chance to meet, yet we're stuck being isolated to the geographical area we currently reside.

Dating apps are supposed to open up the world for us to meet people we'd otherwise never interact with.  It's a shame that dating apps haven't helped you... yet.  I went on many dates before finding the one. 

Persevere, I guess?  Open up your geographical search radius to a few more miles and see who is out there.  Many women I matched with back in the day wouldn't date someone more than ten miles away.  I'm not saying that is you, but it's many women.

I understand the not wanting to engage in ONS, hookups and the like.  They may be fun, sometimes... but they leave you feeling very unfulfilled.

Take care of yourself and your children and continue doing everything in life that gives you meaning and purpose.  I can't guarantee that the right man will ever find you, but you will guarantee that the wrong man will be warded off finding you. 

You are not asking for or expecting anything unreasonable.  Life just has a way of ensuring that what we do want (deserve) comes to us when we either least expect it to, or perhaps not at all.  But we can't lose ourselves in the process of waiting.

I wish you all the best.

TB.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:
 

I disagree that my bar is high. I honestly don’t think I’m asking for much. All I’m after is a nice guy, who has his life together, who is wanting a relationship, and who I’m attracted to. 
 

That isn’t too much to ask is it? 

If you’re unwilling to go on the number of first “meets” that Gaeta for example did through OLD, it might be. 
 

What you describe is pretty much the gold standard and those men (attractive, life together, nice guy and wanting a relationship) have a lot of options, including women that are younger and without kids.

Getting out there in real life will increase your chances as developing a rapport with people in real life can often circumvent the shallow nature of attraction through OLD. You don’t necessarily have to give up OLD altogether, but it’s clearly not working for you.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

You know speed dating didn’t even enter my head. I haven’t done that since I was about 23 with a group of friends. Nice one! I’ll look into that. 
 

I disagree that my bar is high. I honestly don’t think I’m asking for much. All I’m after is a nice guy, who has his life together, who is wanting a relationship, and who I’m attracted to. 
 

That isn’t too much to ask is it? 

I guess my advice is falling flat because rather than being attracted to his face, I'm attracted to his personality. We have quite different approaches     

Good luck with getting out there to speed dating or possibly singles events.  I hope that seeing animation in a face makes it easier than scrolling through photos

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

You know speed dating didn’t even enter my head. I haven’t done that since I was about 23 with a group of friends. Nice one! I’ll look into that. 
 

I disagree that my bar is high. I honestly don’t think I’m asking for much. All I’m after is a nice guy, who has his life together, who is wanting a relationship, and who I’m attracted to. 
 

That isn’t too much to ask is it? 

Speed dating isn’t going to help you because it’s strictly based on first impressions and talking to thrm a minute or so.

you want Mr perfect that  is rare out there, if they do exist thrn they are looking for childless womrn in their mid 30s.

You likely don’t get the point of seeing if someone is emotionally available because that stuff does surface till you are beyond date 5 when they revert to their more typical self.

 

nice guy, who has ghis life together you aren’t going to find thst swiping right or talking to on a speed date.

 

[Calmandfocused]

I suppose it depends which way you look at it. 
 

I have considered that I may be in competition with the 30s females but I’m not so sure about that. Most 30s females I have known/ do know either have very young children already or they want children. How many mid 40s + males want to start a young family at this age range? Not many I expect.

Obviously there are (a minority in my opinion) women in their 30s who don’t have children and who don’t want them, but in this case why would they want a mid 40s male? Not sure that would be my target age group if I was in this predicament. 
 

[Alpacalia]

Maybe stop focusing so much on demographics. Just get to know people and see if you have a connection. Age and starting a family may not have anything to do with it. Someone in their 30s may be looking for a mature and stable partner, and you may fit that criteria. Someone in their 20s may be looking for someone who is fun and energetic, and you may fit that criteria as well. Just be yourself and see where it goes. Don't limit yourself based on age or any other factors.

[Calmandfocused]

What’s incredibly baffling is that I get a lot of interest from men in their 30s whose profile states they don’t have children and want children. 
 

Sorry mate. My age automatically gives me a contraceptive equal to  (but not quite) a condom 🤩. (Less than a 4% chance apparently).

[Alpacalia]

Maybe you need to get comfortable then with the possibility of not meeting someone. It's hard to find someone you click with even in normal circumstances. I think if you can get comfortable with that first it may give you an easier mindset with dating and getting yourself out there.

Try shifting your focus from finding a relationship to just enjoying your own life and doing things that you love. When you focus on your own happiness and fulfillment, you will attract like-minded people who will appreciate you for who you are, including your children and your career.

I never felt like I needed to be in a relationship - ever. Love comes when it wants to. You can't know when it will happen. But. I don't see the point of fostering suffering by imagining an artificial need that must be fulfilled.

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Maybe you need to get comfortable then with the possibility of not meeting someone. It's hard to find someone you click with even in normal circumstances. I think if you can get comfortable with that first it may give you an easier mindset with dating and getting yourself out there.

Try shifting your focus from finding a relationship to just enjoying your own life and doing things that you love. When you focus on your own happiness and fulfillment, you will attract like-minded people who will appreciate you for who you are, including your children and your career.

I never felt like I needed to be in a relationship - ever. Love comes when it wants to. You can't know when it will happen. But. I don't see the point of fostering suffering by imagining an artificial need that must be fulfilled.

You’re right A and I second your attitude. Having a relationship is not the be all and end all of life. It’s totally possible to still be fulfilled and I’m fully aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. 
 

And my children make it all worth it. At the end of the day, I want them and I love them with all my heart. They’re the best decision I ever made. I’d rather have them, and if no one wants to date me because of them, then so be it. 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I suppose it depends which way you look at it. 
 

I have considered that I may be in competition with the 30s females but I’m not so sure about that. Most 30s females I have known/ do know either have very young children already or they want children. How many mid 40s + males want to start a young family at this age range? Not many I expect.

Obviously there are (a minority in my opinion) women in their 30s who don’t have children and who don’t want them, but in this case why would they want a mid 40s male? Not sure that would be my target age group if I was in this predicament. 
 

I’ve known many guys who didn’t have kids till their 40s or one of their final kids was when they were in their mid 40s.

 

the reason they go younger is because they don’t want the pressure of getting married thrn immediately having kids. If thry am for someone 33-35 they have a couple years before kids happen.

 

if a decent looking guy around 45 can get a female in their early 30s who doesn’t have kids they take that easily over someone with kids and done having kids.

 

Mid 40s vs early 30s generally are more financially successful.  
 

I don’t know where you live, but in larger metro areas they tend to skew older with women and marriage and childbirth.

 

my SIL niece got married almost a year ago. She was 33 and he was 43.  Neither had kids.  They had been together 5+ yrs before marriage.

I can make a long list of others I know……

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

What’s incredibly baffling is that I get a lot of interest from men in their 30s whose profile states they don’t have children and want children. 
 

Sorry mate. My age automatically gives me a contraceptive equal to  (but not quite) a condom 🤩. (Less than a 4% chance apparently).

They might not want kids snd think your kids are grown/ adult 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

You’re right A and I second your attitude. Having a relationship is not the be all and end all of life. It’s totally possible to still be fulfilled and I’m fully aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. 
 

And my children make it all worth it. At the end of the day, I want them and I love them with all my heart. They’re the best decision I ever made. I’d rather have them, and if no one wants to date me because of them, then so be it. 

Curious…if you do well financially….would you date someone who makes less than you?

[Gaeta]

20 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I mean the emotionally unavailable guys who are in no place/ position to pursue a new relationship, even if they think they are.

That's why it's important to ask the right question even before meeting. On a first online conversation I would ask A) what are you looking for on here B) How long you've been single. I would not pursue anything with a man recently separated. Those are the time wasters. Even if they swear up and down they're ready to date I know better! 

You have to date with an intent. Mine was a serious relationship so I stayed away from all the <go with the flow> <not in a hurry> type of guy. I also did not date a man more than 4-5 weeks without exclusivity. 

[Calmandfocused]

13 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Curious…if you do well financially….would you date someone who makes less than you?

100% and absolutely. That doesn’t bother me at all. 
 

But it bothers the men I date. 
 

I get a lot of “you’re out of my league love” before they even meet me. 
 

Some who congratulate me and say they’re “not bothered”, find that they change their mind later on down the line. 
 

Im not saying that all men are turned off by it, but it’s happened to me enough times that demonstrates a theme.  
 

And I’m not going to purposely demote myself for the sake of finding a partner. My work is very important to me, as is financial stability. 
 

 

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That's why it's important to ask the right question even before meeting. On a first online conversation I would ask A) what are you looking for on here B) How long you've been single. I would not pursue anything with a man recently separated. Those are the time wasters. Even if they swear up and down they're ready to date I know better! 

You have to date with an intent. Mine was a serious relationship so I stayed away from all the <go with the flow> <not in a hurry> type of guy. I also did not date a man more than 4-5 weeks without exclusivity. 

Agree 100% and I do ask pretty much the same questions. 
 

However case in point. The last man I dated (separated 3 years, divorced finalised 2 years ago ) called me sobbing (yes crying his eyes out) because his ex wife told him that she and the children are moving in with another man. A man whom she has been dating for 2 years. 
 

I’d only seen this man for 3 dates! On the apps he was going on and on about how settled he is  in life now, how he’s over his ex and moved on yada yada.
 

So does this sound like a man to you who is recovered from his divorce? Far from it was my conclusion. So emotionally unavailable and fragile to the point that he could not contain his emotions around a woman (me) he barely knows. 

He presented as emotionally available online. In real life he was far from it. 
 

 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

So does this sound like a man to you who is recovered from his divorce? Far from it was my conclusion. So emotionally unavailable and fragile to the point that he could not contain his emotions around a woman (me) he barely knows. 

But surely this was an exception right? We have to be careful to not generalize. A good number of men online are there to get over someone, that we know. We filter them. Usually after 2 years being single they're pretty much over their ex. There are exceptions yes  but it's not the norm for men divorced 3 years to be sobbing. 

I have a collection of horror stories from online dating but I have also an equal amount of good stories, good men that would have been good boyfriends to someone, just not me, we did not click in that way and that was ok but, there are good available serious men out there. 

[Ami1uwant]

46 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

100% and absolutely. That doesn’t bother me at all. 
 

But it bothers the men I date. 
 

I get a lot of “you’re out of my league love” before they even meet me. 
 

Some who congratulate me and say they’re “not bothered”, find that they change their mind later on down the line. 
 

Im not saying that all men are turned off by it, but it’s happened to me enough times that demonstrates a theme.  
 

And I’m not going to purposely demote myself for the sake of finding a partner. My work is very important to me, as is financial stability. 
 

 

There are two pieces in this…

 

1. men are intimidated if you make more than them. They think they lose their manhood if they aren’t the breadwinner and feel emasculated.

2. the men are fine with it but they thing she is not so they don’t pursue it because if there are big differences that can mean a different lifestyle they can’t support/ survive in.  for example if you always want to do high end restsurants snd 5+ star hotels and thst doesn’t fit them. Another person at the sme income has no interest in that lifestyle.   I’ve known successful woman who expect the men they date to make something in the same ball park or they have a similar level of profession. For example — doctor, lawyer, professor, engineering partner, MBA/senior exec would date each other.  some might include low paying, masters or higher education level but the salary just isn’t in the same area as what was mentioned before.

 

when it comes to paying things do you expect him to pay?  Do you look at at proportional income levels like if your salary was $250,000 and his was $125,000 then it’s 2:1 payments for things?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

59 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree 100% and I do ask pretty much the same questions. 
 

However case in point. The last man I dated (separated 3 years, divorced finalised 2 years ago ) called me sobbing (yes crying his eyes out) because his ex wife told him that she and the children are moving in with another man. A man whom she has been dating for 2 years. 
 

I’d only seen this man for 3 dates! On the apps he was going on and on about how settled he is  in life now, how he’s over his ex and moved on yada yada.
 

So does this sound like a man to you who is recovered from his divorce? Far from it was my conclusion. So emotionally unavailable and fragile to the point that he could not contain his emotions around a woman (me) he barely knows. 

He presented as emotionally available online. In real life he was far from it. 
 

 

people who can calmly talk about an ex and relationships are over them. Those who can’t are not.  
 

need to know more in the details…in divorce they could have had an agreement on things like moving out of state or kids are within x miles and she is now in violation of these things or blocking him from seeing his kids.   You have kids with an ex you are going to see/ hear about this ex.  They agreed on school district X and she’s now pulling them out. This new guy she’s seeing could be blocking him from seeing the kids.
 

stuff can just come up.

 

generally recovery period depends on length/ investment in the relationship, how surprised/ sudden/ traumatic did the notice of divorce occur, and how divorce process went.  Some people stsy legally sepatsyed as part of a “divorce” due to settlement and healthcare needs. Spouse will have kids on insurance, so doingbthe other spouse is nothing but the spouse has medical needs that are hard to get on their own if divorce occurred due to where they have and career.  Someone eho had a long marriage ( stayed for kids) , thrn divorced after kids were grown and it was easy, them they are going to be easier to date post divorce time than someone who was shocked discovering spouse cheated in a heated divorce.

Edited February 7 by Ami1uwant

[mark clemson]

I feel like you've been given gobs of really good advice here OP. Hopefully you will find a way to implement some of it - go on more dates, lower your standards (within reason), change your approach a bit, find the men who "don't mind" the things you mention as obstacles (of which there are plenty I think, but perhaps the bulk are "taken" already).

There is probably someone out there for you (a lot more than just one in fact), but you'll need to be willing to do what it takes to bring about that connection.

Edited February 7 by mark clemson