Relationship ending?

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I understand that being in a fatal accident is a terrible thing.  Meanwhile I have no interest in cooking family meals...I couldn't care.... yet I do it every night because I'm a grown up.

When I was in my late teens, I had a boyfriend who was early 20's. I had a car and a drivers license, but he had a license and no car. I got really fed up with being designated driver for nights out and day trips and ended up giving an ultimatum.  Do you really want to put all the work of driving on your partner?  It's pretty s*** doing all the driving for a partner who simply doesn't want to do it.

I have no idea where OP is, but if it isn't the US or Canada or if it's a US/Canadian city with really good public transport, being unable to drive may be inconsequential.

[Placebeyondthepines]

44 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I have no idea where OP is, but if it isn't the US or Canada or if it's a US/Canadian city with really good public transport, being unable to drive may be inconsequential.

Romania. Really good public transportation + I live near the center.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yes, agree. Only a doctor can say that.

I am talking more about the fact they saw her not being ok when we went out as couples. So there were signs, but I chose not to see them in an objective way, and that is my mistake.

Agree.

Just reading through some of the other comments...

I think we can speculate that she lost attraction for you in this case and that is a very real possibility, but that should be of little import. Or maybe it is exactly what your ex-girlfriend says, that she is going through a difficult time with her job and her mental health. Of course, we can lose attraction for our partners because of secondary/behavioral reasons, but our partner's mental health condition can also be a factor. 

So whatever causation has led to this break-up, it could lead to real problems if that isn't resolved. She has to take care of getting better emotionally under her own steam or through the assistance of her doctors and therapists as she has said, but you can also work on your own things like maybe examining your routines and habits plus re-evaluate how fit you feel yourself.

Aside from that of course, you must invest in your own self-improvement i.e. professionally and physically. You mentioned that you have lost your drive for you to stay fit. Well in order to start caring for others (aka your ex-girlfriend) we must care for ourselves first. If are not at your best (mentally, physically, financially etc.), how can you be there for anyone else? 

The driving thing I totally get, I dislike driving on highways for personal reasons but I also would never let that control my life because there are other ways to get around (i.e. cabs, public transportation, etc.). Since you see that as not major issue, then don't make a big issue out of it anyways. Consider the impact that her career has also on your exclusively here BTW, you have barely made mention of yourself and what it means for you, so it is natural that she might feel a little responsible. No one wants that guilt, to being accused of simply not existing for his or her partner in these types of relationship because of prolonged work hours/careers.

You cannot fix that work life, career or her condition yourself so this is the best option for now, to move on respectively but also using it as time where you assess your own needs and pains more than anything.

[Placebeyondthepines]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think we can speculate that she lost attraction for you in this case and that is a very real possibility

I can't deny I was thinking at this. Maybe she lost her attraction towards me and that's ok, it happens, I can live with that.

But rewind Christmas day. We were getting ready for the family celebration when I decided to shave and keep only my stache, like Ted Lasso. She liked me that way, I was ok, whatever, but did it because she loved seeing me that way. She caught me while shaving, I was trying to surprise her and she was all over the moon and she told me the loudest and happiest "I lovee you so much" since things went bad and hugged me and kissed me sooo much.

Maybe it was that and her body & heart was telling her that, but she was in denial. Who knows?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I can't deny I was thinking at this. Maybe she lost her attraction towards me and that's ok, it happens, I can live with that.

But rewind Christmas day. We were getting ready for the family celebration when I decided to shave and keep only my stache, like Ted Lasso. She liked me that way, I was ok, whatever, but did it because she loved seeing me that way. She caught me while shaving, I was trying to surprise her and she was all over the moon and she told me the loudest and happiest "I lovee you so much" since things went bad and hugged me and kissed me sooo much.

Maybe it was that and her body & heart was telling her that, but she was in denial. Who knows?

I had to look up Ted Lasso, as I wasn't familiar with the name at first.

Maybe it was too good a surprise, a nice chain reaction in her brain she had not felt in a long time.

Edited January 27 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/25/2024 at 10:02 PM, Placebeyondthepines said:

Maybe by telling her I am not coming back if she decides to do this alone? Maybe she interpreted that way?

I really don't think so. She had already broken up with you so there was no ultimatum for you to give. Your friends are off-base there. 

18 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Romania. Really good public transportation + I live near the center.

Off-topic, but I agree. I visited Romania last year and was impressed with public transit, especially in Bucharest. I would love to get back there someday. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I really don't think so. She had already broken up with you so there was no ultimatum for you to give. Your friends are off-base there. 

Off-topic, but I agree. I visited Romania last year and was impressed with public transit, especially in Bucharest. I would love to get back there someday. 

Yeah, in Bucharest you can go whatever you want via public transit. And if you are a foreigner Uber and Bolt are mint.

On the topic. I am better, I am feeling better. No signs from her, but slowly I feel I am getting better. As days goes by I become distant because no one who really loves you ignores you like that. 

I am busy like a bee for the moment. The renovations are taking a toll, but it's a good vibe in me.

[Placebeyondthepines]

I've been keeping busy like a be these days. I am better than I expected, however, somewhat I was thinking/hoping she will write me something today or tomorrow. She was away in her hometown, but didn't.

I want to ask for an advice: In her hometown there was a couple we hang out when we were going there, I really liked them. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. This is between us, and if you are ok with that, I would still like to meet.

What do you think? How do you approach this?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

In her hometown there was a couple we hang out when we were going there, I really liked them. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. This is between us, and if you are ok with that, I would still like to meet.

No, don't do this. 

It will look like you're trying to stay in your ex's loop. You need to let go of all her people. If they are really good friends of yours, you will hear from them once they learn you two have ended it. Otherwise, they aren't close enough to stay in touch with and there is no reason to reach out to them at this time. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

But I would come up as rude? Or I don't know.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

But I would come up as rude? Or I don't know.

Why would it be rude?

I can't imagine these people are expecting to hear from you. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Why would it be rude?

I can't imagine these people are expecting to hear from you. 

Yeah, you are right.

We spoke between 2-3 days, but nonsense, guy talk, here a video, here is that.

I just don't want it to become awkward.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

 just don't want it to become awkward.

I don't understand how it would become awkward. 

Do you really talk to them or see them regularly? You aren't in their lives in a signficant way so I don't get why you think there's potential for awkwardness when you aren't exactly good friends with them to begin with. 

Or am I not understanding your friendship with these people? 

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't understand how it would become awkward. 

Do you really talk to them or see them regularly? You aren't in their lives in a signficant way so I don't get why you think there's potential for awkwardness when you aren't exactly good friends with them to begin with. 

Or am I not understanding your friendship with these people? 

No, you are right.

In my mind I was thinking I should write them and tell them I liked them and hopefully if they are in town someday and want, we can meet, I am not the one who is cutting ties with anyone (not gonna say the last part),

But yeah, you are right,

[ExpatInItaly]

I highly doubt they are going to be bothered if they don't hear from you or see you again. 

I don't say that to be unkind, and it's not a shot at you, but most people don't expect their friend's ex to remain in touch after a break-up. If anything, sending them such a message is what's going to be awkward. 

They will know that you're trying to stay in your ex's circle through them. If you weren't that close to them before, it's going to seem strange that you send such a message now. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

Yeah, I understand.

Became semi close with the guy, he went out of his way the last time we met to give buy me some disks I liked. 

But yeah, will make a step back and let them come towards me.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Became semi close with the guy

When was the last time you talked to him?

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

When was the last time you talked to him?

Last week. But we didn't chat. He sent me some reels and I sent him back.

But I get what you are saying. I will not reach out, I will let him.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Phew.

Finished my first therapy session ever.

It's been quite enjoyable. We've spent two hours to know mea instead of one to get to know me.

[Alpacalia]

That's great news! Sounds like things are on the up and up. 👍

[Placebeyondthepines]

I felt quite a good connection with her and I am usually right about this things. She told me she will work with emotions. I have no idea what it means, but will give it a go.

[Alpacalia]

Work with emotions? Hmmm.  That does sound a bit vague.  Maybe she means that she will encourage you to explore your feelings and use them to address your problems or issues? In any case, as long as you feel a good connection with her and are willing to give it a try, it's worth exploring further. Good luck!

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I highly doubt they are going to be bothered if they don't hear from you or see you again. 

I don't say that to be unkind, and it's not a shot at you, but most people don't expect their friend's ex to remain in touch after a break-up. If anything, sending them such a message is what's going to be awkward. 

They will know that you're trying to stay in your ex's circle through them. If you weren't that close to them before, it's going to seem strange that you send such a message now. 

I agree.  OP, contacting them and saying that is beyond awkward and will probably be met with laughter and side eyes.  Just don't.

[Placebeyondthepines]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Work with emotions? Hmmm.  That does sound a bit vague.  Maybe she means that she will encourage you to explore your feelings and use them to address your problems or issues? In any case, as long as you feel a good connection with her and are willing to give it a try, it's worth exploring further. Good luck!

Yeah, basically will put me into situations I've been to explore my emotions. Hopefully it's going to be good.

I liked the vibe, I really do. Felt I made a good decision.

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

. We've spent two hours to know me instead of one to get to know me.

This is a great start. Usually the initial intake session is more extensive in order to develop a plan for your situation and concerns. It's great if you feel you have a good rapport.