Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 2 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: I did have an affair before and yes a younger guy and sorry I did not mention that but it was some years ago. Unfortunately there's more than just inviting this man to stay with you. Your daughters resentment seems to come from your past cheating. As far as this man, it's not about age gap, it's about shady characters. You're fully aware of his parasitic lifestyle so please take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 8 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: cannot help liking a man's attention Yes you can. We all like getting attention to a certain degree, your problem is you're getting men's attention in the wrong places. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 This is not about attention, it's about 2 very vulnerable people using each other to fill a void. The fact that you have previously had an affair with a younger man is important to mention because it shows a pattern of behavior that has ultimately hurt your loved ones. You have to be aware of your actions and the consequences they have on the people closest to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes you can. We all like getting attention to a certain degree, your problem is you're getting men's attention in the wrong places. It feels good and I need it more than anyone seems to be aware of. I hate being me sometimes but I also cannot change that easily Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: This is not about attention, it's about 2 very vulnerable people using each other to fill a void. The fact that you have previously had an affair with a younger man is important to mention because it shows a pattern of behavior that has ultimately hurt your loved ones. You have to be aware of your actions and the consequences they have on the people closest to you. I just want to be happy and I think he does too. I cannot help the way I feel and I just want everyone to get along I am sorry if I am going round in circles Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Why not get a divorce and then you can date and have sex with whomever you want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 So, what is your question? Your mind seems made up already Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 3 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: I just want to be happy and I think he does too. I cannot help the way I feel and I just want everyone to get along I am sorry if I am going round in circles Oh sweetie, I just want to be happy is the most true hope anyone in this world has been guilty of having - it is the truest desire of every soul. Sometimes we get lost on our way to happiness, and make mistakes that hurt ourselves and those around us. It sounds like you are in this situation right now. You're going to 1) have to figure out what you need in order to be happy, and 2) figure out how to get your daughter and others back on your side. This is going to take you being honest - not just about what is true, but about how you feel. Your relationships with your daughter and her friend - you need to choose - and make your choice known - if you are committed to this ongoing love affair you have with her friend. And if you do choose him, you will have to expect to have a much, much harder time getting your daughter back. If you can accept that, and take responsibility for it, that's your choice. Gaining her respect again after being a poor role model for her is going to be a lot of work. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 5 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: It feels good and I need it more than anyone seems to be aware of. The main thing is *you* are aware of it so why not seek professional help for it? Needing attention is one thing but needing attention to the points of breaking your relationship with your children is highly dysfunctionnal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 22 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: I am in my late 50s and divorced. The issue is her adult daughter resents her for having affairs in the past and inviting this man to live with her. 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why not get a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 10 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Oh sweetie, I just want to be happy is the most true hope anyone in this world has been guilty of having - it is the truest desire of every soul. Sometimes we get lost on our way to happiness, and make mistakes that hurt ourselves and those around us. It sounds like you are in this situation right now. You're going to 1) have to figure out what you need in order to be happy, and 2) figure out how to get your daughter and others back on your side. This is going to take you being honest - not just about what is true, but about how you feel. Your relationships with your daughter and her friend - you need to choose - and make your choice known - if you are committed to this ongoing love affair you have with her friend. And if you do choose him, you will have to expect to have a much, much harder time getting your daughter back. If you can accept that, and take responsibility for it, that's your choice. Gaining her respect again after being a poor role model for her is going to be a lot of work. This is very helpful and thank you. He and I had a long chat about the reality of the situation and he is serious about me. This morning or right now in fact he is having his meeting to see about his future at work. He was a total wreck and I felt so sorry for him. The job was too much and the stress was terrible for him. That is the main reason for all his problems. I sense some suggestions are pointing the finger at me especially regarding my daughter but I cannot help how I feel. I am still having a break this weekend and that will clear the air. I then hope to see my daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: The main thing is *you* are aware of it so why not seek professional help for it? Needing attention is one thing but needing attention to the points of breaking your relationship with your children is highly dysfunctionnal. Do you mean a mental health therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: This is very helpful and thank you. He and I had a long chat about the reality of the situation and he is serious about me. The guy hasn’t sorted himself out yet, so he really doesn’t know which way is up Quote I sense some suggestions are pointing the finger at me especially regarding my daughter but I cannot help how I feel I would imagine this may be BECAUSE you keep saying that you cannot help the way you feel and you are taking no responsibility for your choices and actions. Yes, sometimes we have feelings which aren’t sensible..or are perhaps even harmful to ourselves or others. But from the time we are children, most of us start to develop the capacity to push those illogical or harmful feelings aside and do the right thing. And doing the right thing involves not having sex with a guy who’s wanting to recover from substance abuse problems. And not drinking with him or doing drugs with him. What part of you thinks that this is how to behave around an addict who is struggling? Be his mentor and support. Don’t be the person who enables his poor decisions Did you teach your daughter to just act her feelings no matter what the outcome? Or did you teach her to think things through, make a wise decision and ultimately to take responsibility for her own actions? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 2 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: Do you mean a mental health therapist? Absolutely. You need to talk to a professional that you cannot control your impulses, you have a hard time with what's right and wrong and you need to understand what needs to be done to fix your relationship with you daughter. I would even say you need to understand that your relationship with your daughter is more important than your desire for this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 18 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: I just want to be happy… As does a drug addict who does (temporarily) feel happy when they get their next hit. But their life is a complete wreck. You are like a drug addict. The male validation is you hit of drugs and you do (temporarily) feel happy. But you’ve gone down this path many times now and you know it doesn’t lead to a life of contentment. When this blows up (and it will) you will sit go searching for your next “hit” unless you work to change your mindset. And yes, as Gaeta said, therapy is a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 8 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: He and I had a long chat about the reality of the situation and he is serious about me. The problem with a drug addict is you can't believe or trust them. If he had told you he was serious about you after he's been through rehab and well on the road to sobriety; I might believe him. Lots of addicts end up leaving their SO after going through rehab. They no longer appeal to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 9 hours ago, basil67 said: The guy hasn’t sorted himself out yet, so he really doesn’t know which way is up I would imagine this may be BECAUSE you keep saying that you cannot help the way you feel and you are taking no responsibility for your choices and actions. Yes, sometimes we have feelings which aren’t sensible..or are perhaps even harmful to ourselves or others. But from the time we are children, most of us start to develop the capacity to push those illogical or harmful feelings aside and do the right thing. And doing the right thing involves not having sex with a guy who’s wanting to recover from substance abuse problems. And not drinking with him or doing drugs with him. What part of you thinks that this is how to behave around an addict who is struggling? Be his mentor and support. Don’t be the person who enables his poor decisions Did you teach your daughter to just act her feelings no matter what the outcome? Or did you teach her to think things through, make a wise decision and ultimately to take responsibility for her own actions? He has depression and has not taken any drugs now for a week. Maybe I am not 'doing the right thing' but he lost his job today and is a wreck. I cannot abandon him at this stage! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 9 hours ago, Gaeta said: Absolutely. You need to talk to a professional that you cannot control your impulses, you have a hard time with what's right and wrong and you need to understand what needs to be done to fix your relationship with you daughter. I would even say you need to understand that your relationship with your daughter is more important than your desire for this guy. Thank you. Could you point me in the right direction for a therapist? By that I mean their title or do I see my Dr for a referral? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: As does a drug addict who does (temporarily) feel happy when they get their next hit. But their life is a complete wreck. You are like a drug addict. The male validation is you hit of drugs and you do (temporarily) feel happy. But you’ve gone down this path many times now and you know it doesn’t lead to a life of contentment. When this blows up (and it will) you will sit go searching for your next “hit” unless you work to change your mindset. And yes, as Gaeta said, therapy is a good place to start. Have I not made my case very well? I am not a drug addict! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 2 hours ago, stillafool said: The problem with a drug addict is you can't believe or trust them. If he had told you he was serious about you after he's been through rehab and well on the road to sobriety; I might believe him. Lots of addicts end up leaving their SO after going through rehab. They no longer appeal to them. Thank you. He lost his job today and that has hit him hard. No drinking or anything else. We sat and talked and he wants to seek help. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 The thing I'm having trouble understanding is why your daughter and her husband lumbered you with an unemployable addict in the first place. Sure, you may have had a spare room, but if it doesn't work out, it can be really difficult to send someone on their way if they are going to end up on the streets. Is this guy's behaviour so bad that he's burned all his bridges with his mates? Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: Have I not made my case very well? I am not a drug addict! I said you’re like a drug addict, but you’re addicted to male attention. The wreckage that is your relationship with your daughter is exhibit A. You trying to defend your choice is exhibit B. The fact that by your own admission this is a long standing pattern with you is exhibit C. So to be blunt, not you haven’t made a good case at all. An emotionally healthy person wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. But since you are, you can make some healthy choices now which are to kick the guy out and try to repair your relationship with your daughter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 2 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: He has depression and has not taken any drugs now for a week.Maybe I am not 'doing the right thing' but he lost his job today and is a wreck. I cannot abandon him at this stage! You seem determined to hang on to him at any cost to assuage your loneliness. You're already aware of his bad habits, destructive and parasitic lifestyle so right now you're mothering and nursing him. Perhaps it's exciting now that a younger man moved in with you? However you appear to be fully aware of the downside of all this so guard your heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 3 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: Thank you. Could you point me in the right direction for a therapist? By that I mean their title or do I see my Dr for a referral? Yes you can ask your doctor for a referral but doesn't mean it will be a good match. Personaly l would prefer a woman therapist so l'd do my search on my own, they're all over internet. I'd go meet one, if we don't sync l'd try someone else. I would look for someone with a baccalauréat in psychology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 17 Author Share Posted January 17 11 hours ago, basil67 said: The thing I'm having trouble understanding is why your daughter and her husband lumbered you with an unemployable addict in the first place. Sure, you may have had a spare room, but if it doesn't work out, it can be really difficult to send someone on their way if they are going to end up on the streets. Is this guy's behaviour so bad that he's burned all his bridges with his mates? My daughter had distanced herself from him because of his behaviour sometime ago. He has burned a lot of bridges. I honestly took him in because he had nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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