DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Hi, I am in my late 50s and divorced. I have dated on and off but not for about two years as I wanted to get my head straight and to support my daughter and grandson. So my son in laws best mate had some big problems with his marriage and gambling! He was also doing drugs etc! His wife couldn't cope and in November I agreed to give him a roof as long as he cleaned up. He did get himself on a better level but at Christmas he hit the booze and so did I! We ended up having sex! I am not proud of this but I am also not ashamed. The problem now is my daughter guessed and she now has stopped talking to me! To make matters worse I now am in love but I am not sure he is! I feel very stupid Hoping some advice will help me make sense of it. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Hey, these things happen. But let's not sugarcoat anything. You were lonely, horny and thought you had chemistry with the bloke. You hooked up and then feelings got in the way. Simple as that. The worst part is that you will never know whether your feelings are being reciprocated. It's certain that he's not ready to take it to a more committed level. He's still grieving over his marriage and you provided a convenient "rebound relationship." Now your daughter is angry and you have no one to share your good news with anyhow. She's already pretty mad at you and, to the extent that you can, you want to minimize further damage. Let her know that she has a place to return and that you understand that the situation that brought the two of you together was entirely inappropriate. It was a one-off lapse in judgment. You can still move on and have a good relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Is the guy still married? Is that why your daughter is mad? When you say you didn’t date for 2 years because you wanted to get your head straight, what does that mean? Straight from what? And what were you doing to get straight? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Think you posted in the wrong section. There's a different subforum for discussing infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 1 minute ago, Els said: Think you posted in the wrong section. There's a different subforum for discussing infidelity. Oh yes I see and i am sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Is the guy still married? Is that why your daughter is mad? When you say you didn’t date for 2 years because you wanted to get your head straight, what does that mean? Straight from what? And what were you doing to get straight? Yes still married but it is most likely finished. I was dating guys who just wanted one thing and yes I was flattered but I had not got over my marriage breakdown. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 12 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Hey, these things happen. But let's not sugarcoat anything. You were lonely, horny and thought you had chemistry with the bloke. You hooked up and then feelings got in the way. Simple as that. The worst part is that you will never know whether your feelings are being reciprocated. It's certain that he's not ready to take it to a more committed level. He's still grieving over his marriage and you provided a convenient "rebound relationship." Now your daughter is angry and you have no one to share your good news with anyhow. She's already pretty mad at you and, to the extent that you can, you want to minimize further damage. Let her know that she has a place to return and that you understand that the situation that brought the two of you together was entirely inappropriate. It was a one-off lapse in judgment. You can still move on and have a good relationship. I sent her a message today and explained how it was the last thing I wanted but yes it happened. I spoke with 'him' and he says we should just except it as he is not that bothered! I think that was the drink talking again! What a mess but thank you very much Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 12 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: my son in laws best mate had some big problems with his marriage and gambling! He was also doing drugs etc! His wife couldn't cope and in November I agreed to give him a roof. Please don't enable him out of your own loneliness. Ask him to find other accommodations. If he's drinking gambling and using drugs, he's just using you for a free ride. Please do not let him have access to your valuables or money. Please get tested for STDs. Please listen to your daughter and son-in-law about the dangers of what you're doing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please don't enable him out of your own loneliness. Ask him to find other accommodations. If he's drinking gambling and using drugs, he's just using you for a free ride. Please do not let him have access to your valuables or money. Please get tested for STDs. Please listen to your daughter and son-in-law about the dangers of what you're doing. I agree I don't charge him rent but he helps out with the food shopping and in general has been well behaved but stds? My daughter seems to think it is all my doing as in I am desparate and yes lonely which s unfair Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 17 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: I agree I don't charge him rent My daughter seems to think it is all my doing as in I am desparate and yes lonely which s unfair It seems more like your family is rightfully concerned about him taking advantage of your loneliness and desperation. Please don't think of this as a cool age-gap type thing. Age has nothing to do with it. He's exploiting you and your family can see it because they know him better than you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 How/Why did you end up hosting him in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: I was dating guys who just wanted one thing and yes I was flattered but I had not got over my marriage breakdown. I suspect this guy is also just after one thing. You happen to be giving him shelter so it might seem different to you, but if he lived on his own, you’d see his real intentions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 He was a mess when he moved in, and he's still a mess. See him with clear eyes. The love you feel is likely circumstantial - proximity and lack of other intimate/romantic contact for 2 years. Don't let it come between you and your daughter - clean up the mess he brought into your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 (edited) 14 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: Hi, I am in my late 50s and divorced. I have dated on and off but not for about two years as I wanted to get my head straight and to support my daughter and grandson. So my son in laws best mate had some big problems with his marriage and gambling! He was also doing drugs etc! His wife couldn't cope and in November I agreed to give him a roof as long as he cleaned up. He did get himself on a better level but at Christmas he hit the booze and so did I! I'm gonna leave the sex out. This is a man battling *several* addictions and he's not going to get back on track by living under your roof. That was naïve of you to think that. YOU know better, you have experience! wisdom! you're late 50s. YOU know the most important thing is your relationship with your daughter so do what ever it takes to fix that. This man is not going to care for you when you're old and weak, your daughter will. Ask him to move out asap. Cut contact with him. You think you're in love? That's the lease of your problem! You're feeling lonely that's all. Edited January 15 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 29 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I'm gonna leave the sex out. This is a man battling *several* addictions and he's not going to get back on track by living under your roof. That was naïve of you to think that. YOU know better, you have experience! wisdom! you're late 50s. YOU know the most important thing is your relationship with your daughter so do what ever it takes to fix that. This man is not going to care for you when you're old and weak, your daughter will. Ask him to move out asap. Cut contact with him. You think you're in love? That's the lease of your problem! You're feeling lonely that's all. I don't think things are quite as bad as that. He is meeting his employer tomorrow to discuss his future regarding his job. After that he can make plans. I am lonely yes and yes I truly like him but yes I need to see the bigger picture. My daughter is not even picking up my calls or messages! I fear even if I move him out things will never be the same between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 12 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: My daughter is not even picking up my calls or messages! I fear even if I move him out things will never be the same between us. Yes you will be able to patch things up. She is just really upset and I understand why. Listen, I am 58 years old, I have 2 daughters 36 & 19. If I had done what you did both my daughters would freak out !! and be real mad at me because they love me! And they don't want me to end up being real hurt. This man is not going to stand by you. He is not the solution of your loneliness. You've known him for not even 3 months, your heart will heal from this real fast! At our age we need to pick a man that will make our life easy and enjoyable! It's not the time to <raise> someone over again or nurse someone again to adulthood. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: I am lonely yes and yes I truly like him but yes I need to see the bigger picture. That's a good idea. Try to focus on the bigger picture and what is best for your future. If he does lose his job, will you be able to continue to support him financially while he gets back on his feet? Will you be able to trust him again after the incident with gambling and drugs? Will he be able to support himself and contribute to the household in a positive way? As for your daughter, try to talk to her and explain the situation. It's understandable that she may be upset, but hopefully she can see that you were trying to help someone in a difficult situation. Also, give her some space if she needs it. Maybe try setting up a time to talk in person so you can have a more productive conversation about how you're feeling. This individual is not in the best head space for a relationship right now, and your daughter will most likely not be okay with the two of you being together. It might be a good idea to keep your distance until you both have addressed and resolved the underlying issues in your own lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Yes you will be able to patch things up. She is just really upset and I understand why. Listen, I am 58 years old, I have 2 daughters 36 & 19. If I had done what you did both my daughters would freak out !! and be real mad at me because they love me! And they don't want me to end up being real hurt. This man is not going to stand by you. He is not the solution of your loneliness. You've known him for not even 3 months, your heart will heal from this real fast! At our age we need to pick a man that will make our life easy and enjoyable! It's not the time to <raise> someone over again or nurse someone again to adulthood. I have known him intimately for three months but personally for about ten years. Everything you say makes total sense. I cannot just kick him out at this stage. I might be foolish of course but thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 41 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I am going to visit friends this weekend alone and they are good listeners but they have no idea at the moment. I hope he doesn't lose his job as they have a big mortgage! Thank you very much for your support. That's a good idea. Try to focus on the bigger picture and what is best for your future. If he does lose his job, will you be able to continue to support him financially while he gets back on his feet? Will you be able to trust him again after the incident with gambling and drugs? Will he be able to support himself and contribute to the household in a positive way? As for your daughter, try to talk to her and explain the situation. It's understandable that she may be upset, but hopefully she can see that you were trying to help someone in a difficult situation. Also, give her some space if she needs it. Maybe try setting up a time to talk in person so you can have a more productive conversation about how you're feeling. This individual is not in the best head space for a relationship right now, and your daughter will most likely not be okay with the two of you being together. It might be a good idea to keep your distance until you both have addressed and resolved the underlying issues in your own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: Everything you say makes total sense. I cannot just kick him out at this stage. I might be foolish of course but thank you so much Give him a 15 day notice, he can go crash on one of his friends couch, he is not your responsibility. DizzyBlonde, don't be one of those women that pick a dysfunctional man over their own children. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: I have known him intimately for three months but personally for about ten years.I cannot just kick him out at this stage. I think you already know this isn't going to end well for you. He's still married, abuses drugs, gambles and drinks. It may be a hard pill to swallow that he's just using you, but at some level you know this. Since he's just a houseguest you can ask him to leave at any time. However you seem lonely and are willing to overlook red flags as a result. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 (edited) 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: I might have missed it, and not sure how much relevance, but what are the differences in age (since the title of your thread states "age gap.")? It's also mentioned this is your son-in-laws "best friend." Is the son-in-law married to your daughter? Edited January 15 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I might have missed it, and not sure how much relevance, but what are the differences in age (since the title of your thread states "age gap.")? It's also mentioned this is your son-in-laws "best friend." Is the son-in-law married to your daughter? I am 59 and he is 33 Yes he is. My daughter left a voice message saying she is not sure she can ever forgive me! I did have an affair before and yes a younger guy and sorry I did not mention that but it was some years ago. Anyway this si so different as that was a dating relationship and this is just out of the blue and I did not manipulate the situation which she is convinced I have! Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: Anyway this si so different as that was a dating relationship and this is just out of the blue and I did not manipulate the situation which she is convinced I have! However it sounds like you have a history of poor decision making when it comes to men, and still at 59 seek validation from men’s attention. Is it any wonder that she thinks this is a “you” problem? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 53 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: However it sounds like you have a history of poor decision making when it comes to men, and still at 59 seek validation from men’s attention. Is it any wonder that she thinks this is a “you” problem? It takes two to tango. Remember his marriage is pretty much over and he gets high so I am vulnerable. I cannot help liking a man's attention Link to post Share on other sites
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