Time Frame Questions

[Napleswanderer]

So after 32 years of marriage I find out my wife had an emotional affair over the course of several months.  Kids left home, she’d gotten herself healthy, took a job outside the home(she raised/home schooled our 4 kids).  Some man evidently showed her some attention and voila…. It’s a very convoluted situation, but long story short, she admits it, however, shows zero guilt or remorse.  

We sat up all night talking about it, but she was very stoic and refused to give any other answers other than short answers.  When I asked for more, she says I’m not a safe person to talk to.   I’ve never been physically abusive(just want to throw that out there).  I am so hurt/angry and upset…so yeah, I wasn’t/couldn’t sooth her feelings.  
 

Initially she tried to explain that she wasn’t actually going to tell me, however, I guess in a weak moment she slipped up and made a comment which I caught, and that let the cat out of the bag.   That also hurts…the fact she had/was planning on keeping it a secret.
 

Im so confused, as I’ve been reading all sorts of articles and think we could could probably work it out, but so far I have two unknowns.  #1 I’m not 100% sure she actually wants to break it off, as she says there’s loose ends with other man she wants to tie up.  #2 how long do I give it…for her to show contrition and remorse?   
 

I’m financially stable working, in decent health, so I can make it on my own no problem.  But I just don’t know which way is the better path?  Leave or try and work it out?  Thanks!!

[basil67]

When she says you’re not a safe person to talk to, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re violent. It’s more likely that she feels emotionally unsafe.  Do you ever yell at her, or call names, or shut her out, or refuse to listen to her POV?

joe long has it been since the two of you did fun stuff together?

It sounds very much like she’s having second thoughts about the marriage.  I think marriage therapy would be a good way for both of you to figure out where to go from here. 

Edited December 16, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Napleswanderer said:

  Kids left home, she’d gotten herself healthy, took a job outside the home. Some man evidently showed her some attention and voila…. 

 How old is she? Are you retired or still working?

How did you find out about this emotional affair? Is it a coworker?  What exactly is she explaining to you about it? Maybe she has midlife crisis? 

Perhaps ask about marriage counseling. It might help to get the cards on the table in a "safe" neutral processionals office. 

[MsJayne]

I'm of the belief that when someone steps outside of the marriage it's because of one, a couple, or all of four reasons, promiscuity, resentment, sexual frustration, or mid-life crisis. If this is a first in 32 years, I'm going with resentment, particularly in light of the facts that, not only did she decide to tell you, but she also has the temerity to say she wants time to "tie up loose ends" with this other man. Um, what? That's quite a slap in the face to you, so what's going on there? Why might she feel the need to hurt you so badly? What you refer to as her being "stoic", keeping details to herself, I see as her choosing to be secretive and loyal to the other man rather than be honest and loyal to the person she owes loyalty to - you. Again, behaviour designed to hurt. If you want to sort it out, where she feels safe, then marriage counselling is probably the way to go. Not feeling "safe" talking to you doesn't mean she thinks you're going to give her a walloping, it means that she's got a big axe to grind with you but she feels if she tells you what's going on in her mind you're going to be angry at her, or you're going to dismiss and invalidate what she says. How was your marriage in general before this? Good communication? Good sex life? Regular couple time together like date nights or outings? Did you believe she was happy or did you know there were problems? As far as how long should you wait for her to show remorse - only you can answer that, how long are you prepared to wait? For me the question of does she want to sort out your marriage or leave is one that requires an immediate answer, because if she's wanting time so that she can see if her fling might turn into something more, then counselling won't help because she'd really only be staying for reasons of financial and companionship convenience. 

Edited December 16, 2023 by MsJayne
Left something out.

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

When she says you’re not a safe person to talk to, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re violent. It’s more likely that she feels emotionally unsafe.  Do you ever yell at her, or call names, or shut her out, or refuse to listen to her POV?

joe long has it been since the two of you did fun stuff together?

It sounds very much like she’s having second thoughts about the marriage.  I think marriage therapy would be a good way for both of you to figure out where to go from here. 

Appreciate your feedback.  I’m not the best verbal communicator, I’m not abusive, but I struggle communicating effectively and she’s a very wordy literal person.  I tend to mumble, then get frustrated when people struggle understanding me.

 

  So, we’ve always spent a lot of time together, travel, yard sale etc.  so for the most part our life is very good, but as of the last year or so the fights have been getting worse and more frequent.  Additionally,  we’ve been in couples counseling for the last couple month(at my request) i don’t see it helping.  
 

Her primary complaint is my lack of communication and snappy personality, mine has been how she carry’s the fight on for days…silent treatment playing loud music I don’t like etc, while I tend to get over it quick.  I’m quick to apologize, she doesn’t apologize, nor does she believe my apologizes are sincere.  I believe couples fight…but make up and move on till the next fight.  She believes there’s a deeper underlying problem that isn’t getting better.  Again, 32 years. 

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How old is she? Are you retired or still working?

How did you find out about this emotional affair? Is it a coworker?  What exactly is she explaining to you about it? Maybe she has midlife crisis? 

Perhaps ask about marriage counseling. It might help to get the cards on the table in a "safe" neutral processionals office. 

She’s 49, I’m 50.  First marriage.  Both still work, she recently took a job outside the home, as our kids are all moved out now(she home schooled them all).  

The affair…was just a lot of odd behaviors.  Talking about this particular guy a bit too much, making special treats for the office ie him.  It’s been months ongoing…as far as I know not really physical…but she could be lying, she’s a very good liar, while I’m terrible(bad communicator).  Just my spider senses tingled about him.
 

 Anyway,  I’m a technician…haha…machines don’t have feelings.  We’re in counseling, but this hasn’t been an issue…as in I didn’t know.  But once I figured it out and got her to admit it, it will be brought up in next session.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Napleswanderer said:

 she recently took a job outside the home, as our kids are all moved out now.

, it will be brought up in next session.

It seems like you're both adjusting to her going back to work. Is this when the fighting began? Couples argue but it seems like too much in this case, so yes there are larger underlying reasons.  Definitely discuss the affair in therapy. 

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I'm of the belief that when someone steps outside of the marriage it's because of one, a couple, or all of four reasons, promiscuity, resentment, sexual frustration, or mid-life crisis. If this is a first in 32 years, I'm going with resentment, particularly in light of the facts that, not only did she decide to tell you, but she also has the temerity to say she wants time to "tie up loose ends" with this other man. Um, what? That's quite a slap in the face to you, so what's going on there? Why might she feel the need to hurt you so badly? What you refer to as her being "stoic", keeping details to herself, I see as her choosing to be secretive and loyal to the other man rather than be honest and loyal to the person she owes loyalty to - you. Again, behaviour designed to hurt. If you want to sort it out, where she feels safe, then marriage counselling is probably the way to go. Not feeling "safe" talking to you doesn't mean she thinks you're going to give her a walloping, it means that she's got a big axe to grind with you but she feels if she tells you what's going on in her mind you're going to be angry at her, or you're going to dismiss and invalidate what she says. How was your marriage in general before this? Good communication? Good sex life? Regular couple time together like date nights or outings? Did you believe she was happy or did you know there were problems? As far as how long should you wait for her to show remorse - only you can answer that, how long are you prepared to wait? For me the question of does she want to sort out your marriage or leave is one that requires an immediate answer, because if she's wanting time so that she can see if her fling might turn into something more, then counselling won't help because she'd really only be staying for reasons of financial and companionship convenience. 

Thanks for your feedback, so, it’s not our first foray into infidelity..we both wandered(I initiated it first) 9 months into the marriage(we separated for 6 months, both seeing other people) then got back together, me doing all the work, as I initiated the infidelity.  She, I don’t think has fully forgiven me…but I always saw that as her right, as I was the one who initially stepped out.  

I’ve read a lot of articles and you bring up good points.  I think that she had alot of changes happen at once, kids left, lost weight, took new job, new found freedom and interaction with new professional people(last 25+ years been moms and kids mainly).  Some silver tongue younger dude paid her a little attention and she liked it.  She always has said especially in the last few months I bring so much to the table but I’m lacking in communication and she needs that piece of the pie.

Also, I fully agree with her wanting to reach out one more time is quite a dig.  I’m so torn as I could easily just pull up my tent and roll out.  But there’s kids and grand kids involved, but she has so very badly disrespected me.  And I am not even sure it’s even over.  Although I love her terribly.

As far as our previous life…I thought pretty good..but last 6-8 months it’s been different, she’s more hostile and has less energy for me(just knew something was wrong, now I know what).  Sex life..well, was rough for about the previous 6-8 years…but the last 2 years been pretty dang good.  3-4x/week.  I had some medical problems that got ironed out and my libido came back strong.  We work out together 4x/week, spend nights&weekends together.  Etc.  

 

the guy she cheated on is kind of institutionalized…as in in work release.  So he doesn’t have nights and weekends free, only work hours.  So, I can’t help but wonder if he was free on nights&weekends what would’ve happened?

Additionally, she only took this job as a way for her to stay busy, she didn’t need to work.  But now she loves it…and I know why.

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Napleswanderer said:

 last 6-8 months it’s been different, she’s more hostile and has less energy for me(just knew something was wrong, now I know what).   We work out together 4x/week, spend nights&weekends together.  Etc.   she only took this job as a way for her to stay busy, she didn’t need to work.  

This makes a lot of sense on many levels. One is that she still resents your cheating and may be "getting even". As wrong as that is and even if this work guy is just a passing fancy. 

Another is that you're having issues with her going back to work and having less time to be a full time homemaker. I feel you're underestimating the impact on you. 

It's understandable after years of being trapped in the house that she appreciates some adult interaction and friendships.  She admitted to poor communication with you. 

Please make sure you have combined interests as well as individual interests hobbies and friends.  This coworker attention seems more like a symptom of some more systemic problems in the marriage. 

Edited December 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

17 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

She, I don’t think has fully forgiven me

I'd say you're right about that, it's a wound that never really heals, (no matter what therapists tell you, infidelity can't be erased and it poisons a union, you may form a different type of relationship and stay together, but it will never be what you originally had because the romance bond has been trashed). It sounds like the two of you aren't really connected to each other, and that's probably why she felt so lonely that she made a plan to improve herself and find love elsewhere. Why she'd choose someone who's on day release, (ie; unavailable), is anyone's guess, but I suppose that's irrelevant in the big picture other than to suggest that she has low expectations of relationships, which would indicate poor self esteem underneath the new image. The fact that she feels the need to hurt you means that she does still have feelings for you, (the love-hate thing), so if I was you and I wanted to save the relationship, I'd push the boat out on the romance, (flowers, thoughtfully-planned dates, letting her know how much she means to you), and get on that marriage counselling program quick, before she builds any more rapport with Mr Day Release. You be the one to make the appointment at the therapist, and then be prepared to be shredded when she vents the anger that's been simmering away for years. No matter what's happened in the interim, that first infidelity was what started it, and you have to take full responsibility for bringing that poison and tipping it into the marriage fishbowl, even if it's 30 years later. So many people don't understand the power of a sincere and meaningful apology, an acknowledgement of the hurt and damage their actions caused to someone they love, but empathising with another person and showing genuine remorse for hurting them is, literally, the only way to fix it. I wish you the best of luck  

[Napleswanderer]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd say you're right about that, it's a wound that never really heals, (no matter what therapists tell you, infidelity can't be erased and it poisons a union, you may form a different type of relationship and stay together, but it will never be what you originally had because the romance bond has been trashed). It sounds like the two of you aren't really connected to each other, and that's probably why she felt so lonely that she made a plan to improve herself and find love elsewhere. Why she'd choose someone who's on day release, (ie; unavailable), is anyone's guess, but I suppose that's irrelevant in the big picture other than to suggest that she has low expectations of relationships, which would indicate poor self esteem underneath the new image. The fact that she feels the need to hurt you means that she does still have feelings for you, (the love-hate thing), so if I was you and I wanted to save the relationship, I'd push the boat out on the romance, (flowers, thoughtfully-planned dates, letting her know how much she means to you), and get on that marriage counselling program quick, before she builds any more rapport with Mr Day Release. You be the one to make the appointment at the therapist, and then be prepared to be shredded when she vents the anger that's been simmering away for years. No matter what's happened in the interim, that first infidelity was what started it, and you have to take full responsibility for bringing that poison and tipping it into the marriage fishbowl, even if it's 30 years later. So many people don't understand the power of a sincere and meaningful apology, an acknowledgement of the hurt and damage their actions caused to someone they love, but empathising with another person and showing genuine remorse for hurting them is, literally, the only way to fix it. I wish you the best of luck  

Appreciate the comments.  Today was a really hard day, I found out, it wasn’t just an emotional affair but a full on physical one.  Specifics boggle my brain, but where there’s a will there’s a way.  I also found out my wife discussed this guy with my 21yr old daughter, not specifics…just that he is in the picture.  She also said nothing to me either…so this is to me double betrayal.
 

Also, reading a few comments by y’all I feel kinda like I’m being made out to be the bad guy.  Truthfully, the problems we had back when we were 18-19 I thought were in the past.  I have tried throughout the years to thoroughly explain and show my remorse for my bad actions.  We have throughout the years been to several different counseling/retreat type sessions.  The infidelity has come up on several occasions, and being 25+years in the past thoroughly discussed and penance paid I thought I was forgiven.  She has always said I’m forgiven, however obviously not forgotten, so I’ve always been over the top in my openness of my actions, always leave my phone(once phones became commonplace) open and in plain site(which she used to pour over) but the last 8-10 years…never touched.  we are both not those same people.
 

Going forward, both of us had health problems that we helped each other through.  So, once we got through that…and our lives changed to empty nesters, i thought we were going great.  We took several road trips a year, each thoroughly enjoyable, additionally a trip out west to nyc and Europe.  We’ve been planning our retirement by buying a lake house…and on and on.  Of course..my verbal communication skills again, like I said numerous times came up.  I really struggle with verbally expressing emotions without seeming like a dick.  I often would prefer written communication.   My wife on the other hand is a wordsmith and can talk rings around me.
 

I wish I could pinpoint when her personality changed vs when she started seeing this duid.  Again, she has been so mean and quick to fly into a rage.  But again in the last year she’s had so many changes in her life…truly the only thing the same was me.  Including shunning most of her non-immediate family.  All described as toxic.   All of this by the way, we’ve discussed with counselor, who just kinda pacifies us and lets us both talk.
 

She mentioned a term to me tonight called limerance.  I’d never heard the word before, but upon looking it up…I guess there’s some truth to it…although seems like a cop-out to me.

I do not know what my best action going forward now…I’m so sad/angry/betrayed/disrespected.  She wants me to tell her what I plan to do, so she can plan.   I’m like…I’m doing good to know im going to make it to tomorrow right now.  I’ve prayed today more than a long time.  I don’t think our current counselor will be much help.  So, I’ll look in Ernest next week for a new one.  
 

Finally, while this is the internet and I did air my dirty laundry,  I guess maybe I was hoping for lil less criticalness.  But perhaps that’s what I need.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

I also found out my wife discussed this guy with my 21yr old daughter, not specifics…just that he is in the picture.

This is terrible. Shame on Mom for that one. It is highly inappropriate to have even mentioned this to your daughter, despite the fact that she is an adult now. There was no reason to dump that burden on her. 

5 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

Today was a really hard day, I found out, it wasn’t just an emotional affair but a full on physical one

From the first post, I was going to mention that this is definitely also physical. It seems that you have unfortunately confirmed that now as well. 

On 12/16/2023 at 12:54 AM, Napleswanderer said:

she says there’s loose ends with other man she wants to tie up

Huh? No. She doesn't need to do anything than tell him it's over. There are no "loose ends". She is dangling that because she doesn't want to let go of him. 

5 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

the problems we had back when we were 18-19 I thought were in the past.

I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous that she is holding this over your head decades later. Come on. I get that it's a sore spot, but it does not justify her behaviour here. If it bothered her that much, she never should have stayed married to you or had children with you. 

She is the one who has now made a choice to blow up your marriage, and you absolutely should not be trying prove your worth against her affair partner now. That is arse-backwards. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

 I found out, it wasn’t just an emotional affair but a full on physical one.  .She  mentioned a term to me tonight called limerance.  I’d never heard the word before,   She wants me to tell her what I plan to do, so she can plan.   

Sorry this is happening. Was the full extent of the affair revealed in therapy? 

You're correct that limerence is a made-up cop-out  term popular in the infidelity community to justify cheating by claiming their brain chemistry was highjacked and they have no control or responsibility for their actions. 

What does she mean by "what you plan to do, so she can plan"?   It's completely up to you to decide whether you want to divorce or not and that's all she needs to know. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

 I guess maybe I was hoping for lil less criticalness.  But perhaps that’s what I need.

There's no judgement intended, just people on here have to read between the lines and guess at what's going on from their own life experience. Any middle-aged/older woman who's ever felt taken for granted can empathise with a woman aging and feeling like she's become unattractive and invisible to her partner, (especially when there's been infidelity - sorry, not meaning to keep rubbing it in 😬), and spent most of her adult life making sure everyone else in the family is OK. I'm thinking you're probably a nice guy, underneath a quiet-crusty exterior, and any dumb mistakes you made were immaturity and you would never do that now, but your wife's on a different trip and seems to feel entitled to hurt you. Like I said earlier, whatever's going on there.....only a therapist will dig that out. 

 

8 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

I also found out my wife discussed this guy with my 21yr old daughter, not specifics…just that he is in the picture.  She also said nothing to me either…so this is to me double betrayal.

Yes, I see why you would feel betrayed. Children taking sides with a parent who casts their spouse in the villain role isn't uncommon. You have every right to be hurt and angry. You've been led to believe everything was OK, been rudely awakened to your wife's behaviour, and now you're aware that other family members have condoned it by keeping silent, though keep in mind that your daughter's loyalties have been manipulated here - she may well have felt angry about it but didn't feel it was her place to condemn her mother,  she's been put in an awkward situation.  Your wife's way out of line drawing your daughter into her deceitful BS, that's a terrible thing to do. Wife's now sounding less hard-done-by and more, um, immature and selfish. Take the bull by the horns and demand she make a decision on staying or going, no more of this "I need time" horse crap. Book the marriage counsellor, you can always cancel if wife elects to continue carrying on with the criminal, (which I would lay money on ending in disaster). 

[Napleswanderer]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is terrible. Shame on Mom for that one. It is highly inappropriate to have even mentioned this to your daughter, despite the fact that she is an adult now. There was no reason to dump that burden on her. 

From the first post, I was going to mention that this is definitely also physical. It seems that you have unfortunately confirmed that now as well. 

Huh? No. She doesn't need to do anything than tell him it's over. There are no "loose ends". She is dangling that because she doesn't want to let go of him. 

I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous that she is holding this over your head decades later. Come on. I get that it's a sore spot, but it does not justify her behaviour here. If it bothered her that much, she never should have stayed married to you or had children with you. 

She is the one who has now made a choice to blow up your marriage, and you absolutely should not be trying prove your worth against her affair partner now. That is arse-backwards. 

Thanks for your comments.  It’s been a rough 36ish hours.  I know a couple of things, first, my wife has changed her tune since the initial reveal, and subsequent discoveries.  Initially, she was defensive and not showing any remorse…very stoic.  Now, she’s head over heels apologizing…saying how bad she feels etc.  kinda what I think I person in my position would want to hear.  Two, and this actually dawned on me so I spoke it. The man who she cheated on used her and was a silver tongue devil.  She just nodded and said I know.  So, I feel for her on this.  But again she WAS complicit.  
 

I just wish I knew the truth truth…everything is tinged with “I think I believe you but….”
 

Thanks again.

[Napleswanderer]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Was the full extent of the affair revealed in therapy? 

You're correct that limerence is a made-up cop-out  term popular in the infidelity community to justify cheating by claiming their brain chemistry was highjacked and they have no control or responsibility for their actions. 

What does she mean by "what you plan to do, so she can plan"?   It's completely up to you to decide whether you want to divorce or not and that's all she needs to know. 

Appreciate the comments.

100% agree, just so dang hard.  Could I drop her?  Yes.  Would I be justified?  I think undoubtedly.  But, do I still adore her and hope her remorse is genuine and we can get back to what we had?  Very much yes.  Sigh…

 

again thanks!

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

There's no judgement intended, just people on here have to read between the lines and guess at what's going on from their own life experience. Any middle-aged/older woman who's ever felt taken for granted can empathise with a woman aging and feeling like she's become unattractive and invisible to her partner, (especially when there's been infidelity - sorry, not meaning to keep rubbing it in 😬), and spent most of her adult life making sure everyone else in the family is OK. I'm thinking you're probably a nice guy, underneath a quiet-crusty exterior, and any dumb mistakes you made were immaturity and you would never do that now, but your wife's on a different trip and seems to feel entitled to hurt you. Like I said earlier, whatever's going on there.....only a therapist will dig that out. 

 

Yes, I see why you would feel betrayed. Children taking sides with a parent who casts their spouse in the villain role isn't uncommon. You have every right to be hurt and angry. You've been led to believe everything was OK, been rudely awakened to your wife's behaviour, and now you're aware that other family members have condoned it by keeping silent, though keep in mind that your daughter's loyalties have been manipulated here - she may well have felt angry about it but didn't feel it was her place to condemn her mother,  she's been put in an awkward situation.  Your wife's way out of line drawing your daughter into her deceitful BS, that's a terrible thing to do. Wife's now sounding less hard-done-by and more, um, immature and selfish. Take the bull by the horns and demand she make a decision on staying or going, no more of this "I need time" horse crap. Book the marriage counsellor, you can always cancel if wife elects to continue carrying on with the criminal, (which I would lay money on ending in disaster). 

Thank you MsJayne.   I appreciate your point of view.  I definitely can see where my wife is in between a rock and a hard place.  I may have initially helped push her in that direction, with my lack of communication skills, but she made the decision.  
Another recurring thought I keep having is, I’m not a social guy.  I don’t have close friends, just mainly her, so, should I decide to split.  I don’t want to be lonely for the next whoever knows how long.  I mean at my age, I believe the good women are in relationships and unavailable.  I’m 100% unfamiliar with how todays people meet up with one another.  Even then, my wife is my person…well was.  She knows me so well…and I her.  She knows what I’m going to do even before I do half the time.  I feel like her cheating took away everything from me.  But anyway…

Thanks again.

[Starswillshine]

I am really sorry you are in this situation. I cannot believe she put your daughter in the middle of this. I can understand feeling betrayed by your daughter as well, but this was an impossible situation she was put in- even more reason to be upset that your wife did this. 

I caution against twisting yourself into knots trying to figure out what YOU did wrong that might have led to your wife having an affair. An affair with someone on work release with a questionable past no less. She was the one to have the affair here. It was her choices, and her choices alone, that led to her affair. 

I would put a pause on marriage counseling right now. She needs to seek counseling to understand what led HER down this path... and you need your own counseling to figure out how to process and deal with this betrayal. 

Right now is not the time yo try to figure out how to save the marriage. It is not a good time to try to wine and dine her and try "win" her over. You both need to deconstruct everything if you want to rebuild the marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/16/2023 at 11:00 PM, Napleswanderer said:

 I found out, it wasn’t just an emotional affair but a full on physical one.  I also found out my wife discussed this guy with my 21yr old daughter, not specifics…just that he is in the picture.  She also said nothing to me either…so this is to me double betrayal.

Have you been discussing the disclosure of the full extent of the affair in therapy? Please don't blame your daughter for not telling you. It's your wife's job, not hers so she didn't betray you.  Please try to focus on where you would like to see this going. Unfortunately you seem quite dependent on your wife and she seems to have her head in the clouds about this. Is your wife continuing the affair? 

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been discussing the disclosure of the full extent of the affair in therapy? Please don't blame your daughter for not telling you. It's your wife's job, not hers so she didn't betray you.  Please try to focus on where you would like to see this going. Unfortunately you seem quite dependent on your wife and she seems to have her head in the clouds about this. Is your wife continuing the affair? 

It’s only been since Saturday I’ve actually known.  So no…we haven’t spoken to any counselors. It came to a head last night…cops were almost involved, my wife feels like a trapped animal and I’m worried for her etc.  please pray for both of us, we can figure out a safe and amicable situation with all parties safe and not in trouble.  

[Napleswanderer]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I am really sorry you are in this situation. I cannot believe she put your daughter in the middle of this. I can understand feeling betrayed by your daughter as well, but this was an impossible situation she was put in- even more reason to be upset that your wife did this. 

I caution against twisting yourself into knots trying to figure out what YOU did wrong that might have led to your wife having an affair. An affair with someone on work release with a questionable past no less. She was the one to have the affair here. It was her choices, and her choices alone, that led to her affair. 

I would put a pause on marriage counseling right now. She needs to seek counseling to understand what led HER down this path... and you need your own counseling to figure out how to process and deal with this betrayal. 

Right now is not the time yo try to figure out how to save the marriage. It is not a good time to try to wine and dine her and try "win" her over. You both need to deconstruct everything if you want to rebuild the marriage. 

Appreciate your feedback.  Kinda hard right now to know what to do.  Last night emotions got super raw…up till then it had been pretty much civil.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Napleswanderer said:

It came to a head last night…cops were almost involved, my wife feels like a trapped animal and I’m worried for her etc.    

Why were the police almost involved? Who was going to call them? Can either of you stay with friends or family to deescalate things? 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, Napleswanderer said:

Appreciate your feedback.  Kinda hard right now to know what to do.  Last night emotions got super raw…up till then it had been pretty much civil.

It will be really hard to know for a long time. This is not a time to make any firm decisions. Your emotions will be all over the place. I truly believe with a lot of work a marriage can be saved after infidelity, but it takes a really remorseful WS and a forgiving BS to make it work, and both of those things can take many months, if not years, to get to. And some people never become truly remorseful and ready to do the work on themselves to resolve how they put themselves in this situation. Then the other side is sometimes it is impossible for the BS to become forgiving. Sometimes it is a combination of the 2 that just feed off of each other and the best thing to do is walk away. 

It's a club that no one wants to be a member of. We all have scars here, and we all have survival stories. They all look different with different outcomes. Only you can decide which path is the best way forward for you and your family- but it may take a long time before it becomes clear. So give yourself grace as you navigate these times.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Napleswanderer said:

my wife feels like a trapped animal and I’m worried for her

Why are you worried for her? What happened? 

[Napleswanderer]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why were the police almost involved? Who was going to call them? Can either of you stay with friends or family to deescalate things? 

We were able to get through it.  Made some good headway today. Going to make appointment tomorrow.

 I have one more question…and I don’t mean to offend or be off color…but has anybody heard of a time when in addition to hurt/betrayal/sadness, you know the feeling normally associated with being cheated on, the aggrieved spouse feels super strong sexual longings for the cheater spouse?  Like almost non-stop?