My boyfriend lied about porn use, changed his whole lifestyle and yet I still can't get over it

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

If part of the issue is the quasi-non-anonymity, you could request that he avoid specific names in porn searches.

Yes, this is what I suggested for the future. He was fine with it.

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Emphasis on the "I". The issue is more with your emotions about it than something that truly generates a problem in your relationship. You are unlikely to find a virile male who doesn't use porn at least occasionally (or substitute sexual fantasies if he's "against porn" which some men are).

Yeeess you are so right. You see. When sex was less frequent, I did not even mind it. Sad to say,but I could not finish even with previous partners, so sex for me was just about connection. I remember asking him sometimes if he needed more intimacy, but he always replied no,he is content. I only felt bad about it if he rejected me, and then only because of the rejection, not because my libido needed him. At that time, only the rejection hurt, not the lack of intimacy. So know my problem is more emotional than practical, because now I think of those rejections as the result of porn, and now the frequency also bothers me, even though then it did not that much.

 

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

There.  You answered your own question.  You are not "his person" for sure, and I tend to think that you are not really prepared to be in a relationship with anyone until / unless you learn how NOT to allow your insecurities to run your life.   

In the meanwhile, however, your insecurities should not be running anyone else's life.

If your sex life is not good, that can be addressed - or possibly you are simply incompatible.  

Regardless, a  person does not need to be accountable for what they  think about or look at when masturbating.  Period.   

 We are not incompatible, we were just not in the right place to change that. He thought his hand was first, and I did not realize I was kinda boring. Since we changed, we have fun

[NuevoYorko]

23 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

We are not incompatible, we were just not in the right place to change that. He thought his hand was first, and I did not realize I was kinda boring. Since we changed, we have fun

How can everything be so wonderful if you cannot let go of trying to control what is on his mind or in front of his eyes when he masturbates?   

I am very aware that porn can and does negatively affect relationships, and that frequent masturbation can desensitize some guys to PIV sex.   But it seems like your sex life is okay - you just want to be the boss of what he thinks about if and when he does masturbate.   

That's what we'd call a "YOU" problem, not a "HIM" problem.

 

[brokenbird]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How can everything be so wonderful if you cannot let go of trying to control what is on his mind or in front of his eyes when he masturbates?   

I am very aware that porn can and does negatively affect relationships, and that frequent masturbation can desensitize some guys to PIV sex.   But it seems like your sex life is okay - you just want to be the boss of what he thinks about if and when he does masturbate.   

That's what we'd call a "YOU" problem, not a "HIM" problem.

 

Please, read back how the amount of intimacy went throughout the years. That is why I am more strict, because I fear that the past was the result of porn.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, brokenbird said:

 We are not incompatible, we were just not in the right place to change that. He thought his hand was first, and I did not realize I was kinda boring. Since we changed, we have fun

Perhaps the change isn't as effective as you'd hoped.  Could it be that your previous 'boring' sex was because you weren't that into him?  

[brokenbird]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps the change isn't as effective as you'd hoped.  Could it be that your previous 'boring' sex was because you weren't that into him?  

I was not into sex. Not even with my ex. I liked the fact that they had something I did not, but it was like meh. Because I did not know how to have O, did not feel any pleasure, just the fact that someone works on me. I liked the concept, but nothing else, maybe the connection I felt towards my partner, I liked that. When the "new start" began, I really tried to put myself into it and while "performing", I felt like this could be good for me, and a few weeks later my partner found out how I can finish, too. And since then, I know what he wants to see/feel in the bed and he also knows me. And tbh now I am more into him, because I also see him as someone who can make me feel good, not just make me feel loved. I asked him about these things, why he comes more to me than before. He said it is still not the porn, he just felt like at that time that was normal, he does his thing with himself, and we have that amount of shared sex. And also that I put myself into it more so he can enjoy it more, but the attraction is the same, just the act is better

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

And also that I put myself into it more so he can enjoy it more, but the attraction is the same, just the act is better

Thing is though, you're still having sex for him. Not for yourself.  Perhaps you felt like he was more of a best friend than a guy who you can't wait to get your hands on? 

What you really want is a boyfriend where you can't wait to rip his clothes off! Grrrr

[brokenbird]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thing is though, you're still having sex for him. Not for yourself.  Perhaps you felt like he was more of a best friend than a guy who you can't wait to get your hands on? 

What you really want is a boyfriend where you can't wait to rip his clothes off! Grrrr

Not really. A partner is better than someone I wanna have sex with for 5 hours and cant be around him after. And also, I do wanna rip his clothes off. I am having sex for myself, obviously I enjoy it. I think he is the one who was not that into me. I never understood because I am relatively pretty and I have a good body, and I was always wanted by males and even females. Whats interesting is that he approached me because I was his ideal type, hair, body whape, booty, chest, face. Everything. I dont know what went south. He said nothing, he just felt that that was enough at that time 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Not really. A partner is better than someone I wanna have sex with for 5 hours and cant be around him after. And also, I do wanna rip his clothes off. I am having sex for myself, obviously I enjoy it. I think he is the one who was not that into me. I never understood because I am relatively pretty and I have a good body, and I was always wanted by males and even females. Whats interesting is that he approached me because I was his ideal type, hair, body whape, booty, chest, face. Everything. I dont know what went south. He said nothing, he just felt that that was enough at that time 

But your description doesn't sound like you enjoy it.  I mean, you admit you were boring 

That aside, I'm sure you're pretty and have a good body and are desired by many...but in my experience, physical attraction is only a quarter of the equation.  It's the intellectual and emotional connection which seals the deal and keeps them coming back

[brokenbird]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But your description doesn't sound like you enjoy it.  I mean, you admit you were boring 

That aside, I'm sure you're pretty and have a good body and are desired by many...but in my experience, physical attraction is only a quarter of the equation.  It's the intellectual and emotional connection which seals the deal and keeps them coming back

Your last few sentences are true, this is probably why he wants me more now.

Tbh, many things about porn are true and can set an expectation. Obviously not the fake moaning and disgusting oral sex, but most of the poses are managable, easy with practice and if you adjust them a bit, they also feel good. In the first few years, I knew about 2 or 3 positions. Now I know so much that feels good for me, and many more that makes my partner go wow, which is also a turnon for me. So, yea, old us were sweet and cozy, but now he can clearly say that what you see on screen is livable with adjustments

[Els]

13 hours ago, brokenbird said:

So you think that less intimate time was not just the case of porn but also being inexperienced? If I listen to my gut, it feels like he got so used to him managing his own body that he was content with that once a week sex, not bothering enough to change shared sex for the better. I sense more habitual selfpleasuring and accepting things as is, instead of wantig porn more than me. It was always weird to me in the first years how he is not that sexual towards me. I never even rejected him because he did not approach me that much. And I feel like it was a habit, like he did not even think that sex could be good and could be happening more frequently and he should selfpleasure less

Once a week is statistically average when it comes to sex frequency for a long-term couple. However, we're all different, so if you wanted more than that, then that's certainly your prerogative. Did you talk to him about you wanting more frequent sex? Were you initiating and getting declined a lot, or were you just expecting that he would initiate?

Quote

I was not into sex. Not even with my ex. I liked the fact that they had something I did not, but it was like meh. Because I did not know how to have O, did not feel any pleasure, just the fact that someone works on me. I liked the concept, but nothing else

If I had to guess, I'd say that this was the reason for the lacklustre sex (and honestly, again, once a week is not even very low, but that aside...). If you could sense that your partner wasn't that into sex and was just doing it for you, wouldn't you lose interest in having sex? In that situation, replacing sex with masturbation could even be seen as doing the partner a favour, since you're not "burdening" them by asking them to do something that they get no pleasure from.

Some guys don't care that their partner isn't experiencing pleasure and they'd still want to have sex frequently even if their partner wasn't into it (ugh, I can't stand those types)... but some guys do. For those guys, one-sided sex is as pointless as it gets.

Quote

Obviously not the fake moaning and disgusting oral sex

Umm, why do you think that oral sex is "disgusting"?

Edited December 14, 2023 by Els

[brokenbird]

8 minutes ago, Els said:

Once a week is statistically average when it comes to sex frequency for a long-term couple

Yes, long term, but not the first 2 years.

 

9 minutes ago, Els said:

Did you talk to him about you wanting more frequent sex? Were you initiating and getting declined a lot, or were you just expecting that he would initiate?

Sometimes I got rejected, then got mad at him like "its been 3 days since Ive been trying, why dont you want me?!".  Obviously cant fully blame him and selfpleasure, because one time I initiated intimacy, he accepted my approach and I had a sense he masturbated right before, so I just casually asked him if he had a fun time before sex and he said yes. So he still accepted intimacy after M.

The only times he did bad with porn was 1 when he did it while I was at home asleep (he always waited for me to leave) or when I acted so so hurtful and crazy. That time I initiated intimacy while we were out partying together, we were both drunk and I asked him if he wanted it when we arrived home. He said he was too drunk and tired. I am ashamed and I have apologised many times for this behaviour, but what I did was me shaming him for not being able to be with me just because he got drunk. So we went home, and while I was showering, he managed to get himself up by looking at porn, then he grabbed me to fulfill my wishes. I feel bad to this day that I was so childish, I never even drank that much again, because I dont want to be hurtful, but still he should not have turned to porn, rather stand his ground and teach me that it is not all about me.

19 minutes ago, Els said:

that situation, replacing sex with masturbation could even be seen as doing the partner a favour, since you're not "burdening" them by asking them to do something that they get no pleasure from.

I mean, yes, but I always told him that I love doing it and I would do it more if he wanted to. But I did ask him how he felt when he could make me finish and he felt proud. Then I asked him if he ever felt bad that I could not finish before and he said yes, many times and that he originally bought me my "toy" to use it during sex and not just alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait, are you saying you shamed him for not being able to get an erection  after you came home drunk from this party? 

[brokenbird]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, are you saying you shamed him for not being able to get an erection  after you came home drunk from this party? 

No. Not erection, mood. And yes. I was stupid at 20, I mentioned that I had undiagnosed BPD and I realized it and apologised. There is no need to lecture me after I learned from my mistake and proved that I would never do that again. I was young, I had mental illnesses, I felt hurt by it, I was drunk and all I could think of how my friends had great drunken sex with the love of their lives and mine did not want me. Now I am just a bit disappointed that porn could obviously get him in the mood.

Edited December 14, 2023 by brokenbird

[Els]

5 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

The only times he did bad with porn was 1 when he did it while I was at home asleep (he always waited for me to leave) or when I acted so so hurtful and crazy. That time I initiated intimacy while we were out partying together, we were both drunk and I asked him if he wanted it when we arrived home. He said he was too drunk and tired. I am ashamed and I have apologised many times for this behaviour, but what I did was me shaming him for not being able to be with me just because he got drunk. So we went home, and while I was showering, he managed to get himself up by looking at porn, then he grabbed me to fulfill my wishes. I feel bad to this day that I was so childish, I never even drank that much again, because I dont want to be hurtful, but still he should not have turned to porn, rather stand his ground and teach me that it is not all about me.

Yikes. With all due respect, both of those instances sound more like a "you" problem than a "him" problem... most people are fine with their partner masturbating when they are asleep (as long as they are considerate and try to avoid waking them up, of course). As for the drunk incident, I'm glad that you are aware that what you did was wrong, but again I'm not sure how you're blaming porn for what happened???

Honestly, I think the person with unrealistic expectations in this relationship is you. You seem to expect that he will want to have sex with you no matter what - no matter how controlling you are about his masturbation habits, no matter whether you are enthusiastic during the act or not, no matter whether he is drunk or tired or simply having difficulty getting an erection. Real life, as I hope you understand, isn't like a Hallmark movie. You can't expect your partner to give up everything to constantly prove to you how amazing and attractive and desirable you are to him. How exhausting to be him.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Els said:

Yikes. With all due respect, both of those instances sound more like a "you" problem than a "him" problem... most people are fine with their partner masturbating when they are asleep (as long as they are considerate and try to avoid waking them up, of course). As for the drunk incident, I'm glad that you are aware that what you did was wrong, but again I'm not sure how you're blaming porn for what happened???

Honestly, I think the person with unrealistic expectations in this relationship is you. You seem to expect that he will want to have sex with you no matter what - no matter how controlling you are about his masturbation habits, no matter whether you are enthusiastic during the act or not, no matter whether he is drunk or tired or simply having difficulty getting an erection. Real life, as I hope you understand, isn't like a Hallmark movie. You can't expect your partner to give up everything to constantly prove to you how amazing and attractive and desirable you are to him. How exhausting to be him.

Media teaches women that if they are as attractive as pornstars, then men will want them. I never really had my parents teach me about sexuality, all I know is based on what I read on the internet or what friends told me. Ive been told my whole life that they wanna get me to bed, how hot I am, that I look like their fav pornstars, etc. I always been the girl from the class who was hated by the other girls because all guys wanted to date me. I was not more to men than a hot girl. I learned at the very beginning that if someone left my company after a few weeks, they were not my friend, just another guy waiting in line. So I apprecieted my true friends very much, the ones who loved me for being kind, funny, caring and loving, instead of being a nice booty. I knew I looked exactly like a pornstar my partner viewed many times. I knew he approached me because he was into my looks and he wanted to get me to his bedroom before he became to like me as a person. So yeah, I was confused as hell when I was thinking back and remembering that he was not all touchy and sexual towards me in the first years, because it was not what I was used to. I made myself an object because it was always my looks that made people realize I exist. So I felt completely broken when I found out about porn and realized that our sexlife was not the best. I felt like my only pride, being pretty, was not even true and if "my biggest strength" was not enough for my partner, then I was nothing. I know I am smart, funny, creative, a great poet, writer, painter, I am a good cook, I am good with kids, I am a good listener, and yet I feel like I am not enough because people only see me as a pretty face. I got used to that and my partner not appreciating what everyone did appreciate made me feel lost

[Els]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

Media teaches women that if they are as attractive as pornstars, then men will want them. I never really had my parents teach me about sexuality, all I know is based on what I read on the internet or what friends told me. Ive been told my whole life that they wanna get me to bed, how hot I am, that I look like their fav pornstars, etc. I always been the girl from the class who was hated by the other girls because all guys wanted to date me. I was not more to men than a hot girl. I learned at the very beginning that if someone left my company after a few weeks, they were not my friend, just another guy waiting in line. So I apprecieted my true friends very much, the ones who loved me for being kind, funny, caring and loving, instead of being a nice booty. I knew I looked exactly like a pornstar my partner viewed many times. I knew he approached me because he was into my looks and he wanted to get me to his bedroom before he became to like me as a person. So yeah, I was confused as hell when I was thinking back and remembering that he was not all touchy and sexual towards me in the first years, because it was not what I was used to. I made myself an object because it was always my looks that made people realize I exist. So I felt completely broken when I found out about porn and realized that our sexlife was not the best. I felt like my only pride, being pretty, was not even true and if "my biggest strength" was not enough for my partner, then I was nothing. I know I am smart, funny, creative, a great poet, writer, painter, I am a good cook, I am good with kids, I am a good listener, and yet I feel like I am not enough because people only see me as a pretty face. I got used to that and my partner not appreciating what everyone did appreciate made me feel lost

That's understandable, and society definitely does young women a disservice by teaching them these archaic beliefs. It's a big issue for teenage girls for sure - there's so much pressure to be sexy, yet nobody talks about female pleasure or about being sexual.

It's good that you are realizing this, however you do need to take some concrete steps to try and rewire your brain from all that terrible programming. Strongly recommend that you talk to a sex-positive therapist about this, so that they can help you develop healthier ways of looking at sex and masturbation, and also help you unravel your self-worth from your partner's desire for sex.

[brokenbird]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

What you really want is a boyfriend where you can't wait to rip his clothes off! Grrrr

Also this is what I imagined he would be towards me. Guys always talk about how they get a boner just because their girl is walking naked. I remember mentioning to him in our first few months that he might not even liked me sexually because he is not that touchy and doesnt get an erection that much. Later I blamed porn for that, too.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Els said:

unravel your self-worth from your partner's desire for sex.

I can do that. How can I say it. I am content with myself, it is just a feeling in me that I want him to be content with me, too. I dont want to feel like I wasted my young body because it was not appreciated enough due to his porn brain. I remember when he got aroused by a music video (I asked him just nicely if this was purposeful, he said multiple times it was not, but it is obvious he is fibbing because he does not listen to music like that, let alone he does not listen to a song for 40 seconds, the first 40 seconds where the naked girl is shown. So I két it go, didn't blame him, if he said no for 4 times by himself, I wont push it or make him feel bad about it, its just not a nice feeling he still can't be fully honest) I felt like "oh, so he can get turned on by a woman shown for a few seconds but he cant get turned on that easily when I walk around in lingerie" and the thought of him having a porn brain came to me again. 

Someone explained to me that all these things will not bother me in a new relationship and I know she is right. I dont know why it works that way. Things hurt me in my past relationship that aint even tickle me in this one. But that shows that it is all in the mind, which leads me to believe that I could also decide in my mind that I can defeat my fears in this relationship, too. I really want this to work because we are such a great team, I want him in my life , I just dont want to suffer from the past.

[Els]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I can do that. How can I say it. I am content with myself, it is just a feeling in me that I want him to be content with me, too. I dont want to feel like I wasted my young body because it was not appreciated enough due to his porn brain. I remember when he got aroused by a music video (I asked him just nicely if this was purposeful, he said multiple times it was not, but it is obvious he is fibbing because he does not listen to music like that, let alone he does not listen to a song for 40 seconds, the first 40 seconds where the naked girl is shown. So I két it go, didn't blame him, if he said no for 4 times by himself, I wont push it or make him feel bad about it, its just not a nice feeling he still can't be fully honest) I felt like "oh, so he can get turned on by a woman shown for a few seconds but he cant get turned on that easily when I walk around in lingerie" and the thought of him having a porn brain came to me again. 

Someone explained to me that all these things will not bother me in a new relationship and I know she is right. I dont know why it works that way. Things hurt me in my past relationship that aint even tickle me in this one. But that shows that it is all in the mind, which leads me to believe that I could also decide in my mind that I can defeat my fears in this relationship, too. I really want this to work because we are such a great team, I want him in my life , I just dont want to suffer from the past.

Do you have a very puritanical upbringing by any chance? I'm asking because multiple things you've said, including describing oral sex as "disgusting", feel like they might stem from such an upbringing.

From everything I've read from you, it definitely sounds to me like all of these "problems" are in your head. If you're afraid of him not liking you anymore, unfortunately if you carry on as you are with the porn crusade, you might cause a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur. So please do talk to a therapist and try to learn tools to cope with these thoughts.

Also, honestly? Oral sex can be whatever you make of it. It can be amazing! It doesn't have to be "porn-y".

[brokenbird]

14 minutes ago, Els said:

Do you have a very puritanical upbringing by any chance? I'm asking because multiple things you've said, including describing oral sex as "disgusting", feel like they might stem from such an upbringing.

From everything I've read from you, it definitely sounds to me like all of these "problems" are in your head. If you're afraid of him not liking you anymore, unfortunately if you carry on as you are with the porn crusade, you might cause a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur. So please do talk to a therapist and try to learn tools to cope with these thoughts.

Also, honestly? Oral sex can be whatever you make of it. It can be amazing! It doesn't have to be "porn-y".

Nooo! I dont want to be too open, but I love giving oral (sadly I cant receive because of health consequences:() , I meant the porn kind of oral, when the woman gives it in a way where it is obviously not pleasure phisically, rather visually. I tried to do "porn oral" once and my guy said it feels bad, almost feels like nothing. I just meant that oral is totally fake in porn and guys can feel underwhelmed because what feels good does not neccessarily looks good. There are also poses like that, I do it for fun and because I know he loves to see me in that position, but those are not for longer periods of time, just little add ons. My mother is kind of prude, she also said it herself. But I am not, I am willing to try anything, I like new stuff. I only miss out on the "visual" pleasuring when I feel too emotional and I rather want to make it feel more loving instead of fun for the eyes.

 

14 minutes ago, Els said:

you're afraid of him not liking you anymore, unfortunately if you carry on as you are with the porn crusade, you might cause a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur.

I know:(  I am not really afraid if he does not like me now. Again, I can just say the exact words on my mind, which goes like "I think he liked porn more than my body in the past, even though he says it is not true. But if it is true, can I continue this relationship just because the now feels fulfilling and in the present, I know we are wiser and we can manage in the future?"  I wish I could say its like when you adopt a kid and it hates you in the first years then they finally call you mom or dad, but that would be a progress and success. If I say meh,my partner chose me for my looks at the beginning, but later he realized I, as a real women am not as interesting as porn, but after a few years he finally finds joy in my body, that sounds a bit depressing 

Edited December 14, 2023 by brokenbird

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I just meant that oral is totally fake in porn and guys can feel underwhelmed because what feels good does not necessarily looks good.

The guys in porn don't look underwhelmed getting oral, they are hard as rocks.

[brokenbird]

Just now, stillafool said:

The guys in porn don't look underwhelmed getting oral, they are hard as rocks.

If you ever read interviews with pornstars, they talk about the huge amount of drugs they take so they can have an erection, or they can disassociate from the scenario. Many guys watch porn while making porn because they are bored. OF guys say they rather imagine they are somewhere else because it gets boring and emotionally tireing after a couple of movies. It is just as hard for male pornstars as it is for female ones. Some verified amateurs enjoy it, because they do it with their partners they love. One of the girls my bf watched was a verified amateur who was so pretty, actually with the same body I had, and she made videos with her love. But later they broke up and and now she has many partners, and she talks about how it is not that fun anymore. That famous guy, Johnny Sins said he cant get it up without Kamagra anymore, does not matter if his acting partner is someone new. I read so many of these in the past few months so I can educate myself. I also watched porn in the past, but never these kind of mainstream videos that are only about being sexy, so didn't know anything . I thought no one really liked these over acted mainstream videos where the whole point is a hot girl, and people liked categories or legal taboos, but quite obviously my partner and many other guys view porn in the first way

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you both take a break and detox from porn? Try to focus on the quality of your relationship, your goals your future and especially please focus on your physical and mental health and get the support you need if you feel obsessed with porn.

[brokenbird]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Why don't you both take a break and detox from porn? Try to focus on the quality of your relationship, your goals your future and especially please focus on your physical and mental health and get the support you need if you feel obsessed with porn.

I took a break. And to be honest, I miss a little help, because I am really bad at visualizing stuff in my head, but I dont want it to be porn. I still think about other options. 

About him. I have to make it clear that it was not policing!!! I just asked him how often he does his thing, when I talked about how often I do. I was just curious, I dont question him every day, it was one time. He said once about every two weeks, mostly when I am away in the mornings (which is in every two weeks). I dont really want to tell him to not watch racy music videos for inspiration, because most of the time he uses a video I made for him. I always wanted to make one, I just didn't know if he was interested in using it. He said he was, and he kept using it. I think he is fairly clean, I trust him that he does not spend all his days with it. Even if he did, now he spends quite the time with me 

[Els]

50 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Nooo! I dont want to be too open, but I love giving oral (sadly I cant receive because of health consequences:() , I meant the porn kind of oral, when the woman gives it in a way where it is obviously not pleasure phisically, rather visually. I tried to do "porn oral" once and my guy said it feels bad, almost feels like nothing. I just meant that oral is totally fake in porn and guys can feel underwhelmed because what feels good does not neccessarily looks good.

Ah, yes. For sure, most things in porn are done to look good for the camera, not to actually feel good for the participants (and the same goes for sex/romance scenes in Hollywood movies). The thing is, though, that the vast majority of porn viewers (i.e. reasonable adults who have some IRL experience and aren't addicted to porn) are quite aware of that. It's not really something to worry about unless that person has a history of being unable to separate reality from media/fantasy. It sounds like your guy is quite firmly rooted in reality.

May I suggest that porn is living rent-free in your head a bit too much?