My boyfriend lied about porn use, changed his whole lifestyle and yet I still can't get over it

[brokenbird]

Hi. I am 23 years old and my partner is 24. We have been together since 2020 and living together since 2021. In the first 3 years of our relationship, he lied about using porn multiple times. I knew he was single before me and never touched a girl, so he was quite into porn. However, I told him to quit it, which was a mistake because I am obviously not obligated to control him, I should have had compromised. So he chose to lie for 3 years until I found out about it. He lied his way out so I dont leave him, but later on admitted to his habits. He chose to quit porn and work on our relationship. At first, he began by not having his "metime" that often, and using our own content. After a few months he was a new person, not because he was an addict (using porn once a week is not considered an addiction in the opinion of my old therapist) but because we wanted to make it work so bad that we created an amazing sexlife, aquired better communication skills and learned more patience and respect for each other. I made the mistake of finding out about Google my activity, and learning about his porn habits. I came to know that most of the time, he searched for porn by names instead of categories. Before this relationship, I used to use porn too, but never ones with attractive people in it,I never cared about visuals, just an interesting topic. So this hit me in the chest because I felt like it was not just "porn for a h0rny young guy", but rather a "I wanna see THAT woman". I understand that this habit came way before me getting into his life and I see how he changed in almost a year, but I cant get over this fact. I have a great relationship with him now, in every single aspect, yet it keeps coming up. He did everything he could,he wants to build a life with me. One time he got in the mood from a sexy music video while I was not at home, so he turned to our content. He saw that it hurt me, so he unfollowed every music channel that includes stuff like that. I dont know how to get over it. I forgave the porn part, because I was once into it too (and for me it was harder to stop), just the name part... Any advice is appreciated

[d0nnivain]

It's still just a fantasy unless it was somebody he knows.   If you don't let it go & chalk it up to being meaningless you will not be able to continue this relationship. 

 

Your options are 

1.  Get over it

2.  Break up

3.  be miserable & try to stay together policing all of his on line activity & making yourself increasingly unhappy 

[brokenbird]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's still just a fantasy unless it was somebody he knows.   If you don't let it go & chalk it up to being meaningless you will not be able to continue this relationship. 

 

Your options are 

1.  Get over it

2.  Break up

3.  be miserable & try to stay together policing all of his on line activity & making yourself increasingly unhappy 

I dont want to police him. Since then, we talked about me never asking about anything again, and he can do whatever he wants to do, until it interferes with our intimate life. It is the past I cant get over, not the future. I dont understand all this name searching thing.

 

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is at least the 5th time you've posted here and / or elsewhere, always with a different name.  Same story though.   

Your obsession with his masturbation habits is pathological.  The level of control you have been leveraging on him is bordering on abusive.     

BREAK UP with this guy and stay single while you get some intensive professional help.   

 

 

I am sorry, what? I just confirmed my registration an hour ago. My mother told me about this site, she uses it to talk about my brother's issues. I never even knew there are sites where you can ask for advice for free. It is clear you dont know me, I am currently at therapy, I pay a great sum of money for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, brokenbird said:

It is the past I cant get over,

This will poison the future. 

You need to break up with him. It's not going to work. 

[MsJayne]

Some people have no problem with a partner indulging in porn, other people find it off-putting, especially when it's often enough that it qualifies as a hobby. If it makes you feel like you're not enough, that's the reason you can't get past it. His need to jerk off over a particular woman on the internet, even though he has a good relationship and sex life with you, is insulting to you. If he was jerking off over random stuff he'd just be a highly sexed dude with too much spare time on his hands, but if he's a bit obsessed with one "content creator" it's like you're competing with a cyber mistress. I'd be wondering how often he'd looked up that woman on the net just before he came to bed wanting a leg over. I'd also be re-evaluating the relationship if you can't live with his hobby, because I doubt he'll stop, he'll probably just get shiftier and better at covering his tracks. 

[brokenbird]

38 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Some people have no problem with a partner indulging in porn, other people find it off-putting, especially when it's often enough that it qualifies as a hobby. If it makes you feel like you're not enough, that's the reason you can't get past it. His need to jerk off over a particular woman on the internet, even though he has a good relationship and sex life with you, is insulting to you. If he was jerking off over random stuff he'd just be a highly sexed dude with too much spare time on his hands, but if he's a bit obsessed with one "content creator" it's like you're competing with a cyber mistress. I'd be wondering how often he'd looked up that woman on the net just before he came to bed wanting a leg over. I'd also be re-evaluating the relationship if you can't live with his hobby, because I doubt he'll stop, he'll probably just get shiftier and better at covering his tracks. 

It was not one woman, a few pornstars.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, brokenbird said:

 He chose to quit porn and work on our relationship. he began by not having his "metime" that often, and using our own content. One time he got in the mood from a sexy music video while I was not at home, so he turned to our content. He saw that it hurt me, 

Unfortunately you seem to be policing his sexuality to manage some insecurities you have.

For example he's not allowed to watch music videos in case he gets aroused because that would "hurt" you? He's allowed to masturbate but only to videos you two made? 

Sadly you seem to want to control his arousal and masturbation so that you can manage your emotions. He seems to be putting up with it, at least while you're around.  

It's doubtful that your program to rewire his brain to only be aroused by and attracted to you is going to work in the long run. He can only pretend that's the case to assuage your insecurities and keep the peace. 

Edited December 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[brokenbird]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem to be policing his sexuality to manage some insecurities you have.

For example he's not allowed to watch music videos in case he gets aroused because that would "hurt" you? He's allowed to masturbate but only to videos you two made? 

Sadly you seem to want to control his arousal and masturbation so that you can manage your emotions. He seems to be putting up with it, at least while you're around.  

It's doubtful that your program to rewire his brain to only be aroused by and attracted to you is going to work in the long run. He can only pretend that's the case to assuage your insecurities and keep the peace. 

I dont know where my comments disappear. I am not doing anything, all this stuff was his idea.

Also, I was curious what you thought of @MsJayne's reply, because I didn't think of it that seriously and now I do

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, brokenbird said:

. He lied his way out so I dont leave him, He chose to quit porn and work on our relationship. 

All "this stuff was his idea" because you threatened to leave. So he's agreeing to and accommodating your program to rewire his brain to only focus on you and isn't allowed to be aroused by other things.

If you feel more secure and less threatened that way that's ok but keep in mind he's just going along with it to keep the peace. In reality you can't stop his brain from finding things attractive or arousing. 

Have you read the book1984?  "Big Brother", "Thought Police", "thoughtcrime" come to mind when you describe this 

Edited December 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[brokenbird]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All "this stuff was his idea" because you threatened to leave. So he's agreeing to and accommodating your program to rewire his brain to only focus on you and isn't allowed to be aroused by other things.

If you feel more secure and less threatened that way that's ok but keep in mind he's just going along with it to keep the peace. In reality you can't stop his brain from finding things attractive or arousing. 

I did not, really. I just told him to please find a girl who could accept him fully, because I am not his person. He told me that he is not porn and porn does not matter to him as much as I do, and that he thought he could just have both sides in secret and peace, but it is not worth it. I said okay, let's try if he can do it for himself and for the sake of the relationship, and not because of me. 

And actually, I wanted to open up to porn. I feel deep trust for the person he is now, and I for sure know that porn will not replace me and he is able to manage a good balance. Let me explain my feeling and thoughts. Imagine if relationship was a paper line, getting longer and longer with time.... If I could cut off the first 3 years and only see now, I would feel so secure and happy, because in this person I trust. I like us, he was willing to change for bettering this relationship, and I am willing to be open to other pleasures he might be interested in. Maybe also I could try it, but I am not really interested. But if I see the beginning of that paper line, I feel my gut curling up. Not because of the lies, because some people just not mature enough to stand up for their views, but now he for sure says what he thinks without hesitation, he matured. Not because of porn, because before I met him, I also was into it and maybe if things did not happen to me that made me stop using it, I probably would have continued to use it in the relationship too. The reason is only my thoughts and feelings about the way he used porn. Sometimes he did search for categories, but most of the time, he watched the same 5-6 pornstars and it makes me feel that it was more real than just a 10 minute fantasy pleasure

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

he watched the same 5-6 pornstars and it makes me feel that it was more real than just a 10 minute fantasy pleasure

Can I ask in what way? Like I said earlier, does it make you feel like you're not enough, do you feel diminished by him being so attracted to another woman, (or 5-6 women)? Or does it make you feel like he was pursuing these women in some way? If you want the relationship to work you have to figure out why it's bothering you so much because, in the long-term, trying to control what a partner thinks about and trying to modify their behaviour to suit our expectations just leads to frustration and resentment. Out of interest, was he paying to interact with these women via webcam? 

[brokenbird]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Can I ask in what way? Like I said earlier, does it make you feel like you're not enough, do you feel diminished by him being so attracted to another woman, (or 5-6 women)? Or does it make you feel like he was pursuing these women in some way? If you want the relationship to work you have to figure out why it's bothering you so much because, in the long-term, trying to control what a partner thinks about and trying to modify their behaviour to suit our expectations just leads to frustration and resentment. Out of interest, was he paying to interact with these women via webcam? 

Sorry, I misunderstood you, I thought you said those things as a fact, not questions.

You might find it childish, but when I have no experience or knowledge about something, I halfway trust someone's opinion who understands that topic. I talked to a guy who is very open to answer any kind of question. He enlightened me about how he views this kind of porn use (when a guy sometimes chooses porn by actress) and asked me what my partner said to the same question. They both answered the same way which kind of makes me think that I have intrusive thoughts and that is why I feel so down. The explanation was simple : a guy picks a woman that is attractive to him or he chooses by the performance, or just finds someone who is "okay" and later he does not have to think about what he wants to watch. Also that it is not the same feeling ad a crush, because that is what I thought. 

As a teenage girl (maybe 15-16) I was so into those boybands that I imagined different scenarios with them, how I would go on dates with them, etc . This was my imagination about this kind of porn use. That it is more like a "I want that woman to pleasure me today" instead of "I am h0rny, let's watch something". This guy also explained that the thought is not coming in like how I think it does, it is just as simple as "I am in the mood, a vid with that actress would do it". Im gonna be honest, I saw some of his history from when we were not dating (because the ones from where we were dating are obviously deleted). Sometimes he just woke up, in the mood, and he typed in a pornstar and had his time. This created thoughts in me that he was into them. He never paid for porn or camgirls. Not even when single. The only thing he did was checking the age of some of them, nothing like saving pictures of them, paying for them. Just download it, use it, delete it. Or open browser, use, close. 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Sorry, I misunderstood you, I thought you said those things as a fact, not questions.

You might find it childish, but when I have no experience or knowledge about something, I halfway trust someone's opinion who understands that topic. I talked to a guy who is very open to answer any kind of question. He enlightened me about how he views this kind of porn use (when a guy sometimes chooses porn by actress) and asked me what my partner said to the same question. They both answered the same way which kind of makes me think that I have intrusive thoughts and that is why I feel so down. The explanation was simple : a guy picks a woman that is attractive to him or he chooses by the performance, or just finds someone who is "okay" and later he does not have to think about what he wants to watch. Also that it is not the same feeling ad a crush, because that is what I thought. 

As a teenage girl (maybe 15-16) I was so into those boybands that I imagined different scenarios with them, how I would go on dates with them, etc . This was my imagination about this kind of porn use. That it is more like a "I want that woman to pleasure me today" instead of "I am h0rny, let's watch something". This guy also explained that the thought is not coming in like how I think it does, it is just as simple as "I am in the mood, a vid with that actress would do it". Im gonna be honest, I saw some of his history from when we were not dating (because the ones from where we were dating are obviously deleted). Sometimes he just woke up, in the mood, and he typed in a pornstar and had his time. This created thoughts in me that he was into them. He never paid for porn or camgirls. Not even when single. The only thing he did was checking the age of some of them, nothing like saving pictures of them, paying for them. Just download it, use it, delete it. Or open browser, use, close. 

So it's not really that bad .  I was reading a news story this morning about the sentencing of a sicko who was caught having "relations" with calves at a local farm, and how his girlfriend had chosen to stick by him 🤨. So, yeah, your partner's not so bad. As the other guy told you, it's not the woman, it's just a guaranteed quick "relief". 

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

So it's not really that bad .  I was reading a news story this morning about the sentencing of a sicko who was caught having "relations" with calves at a local farm, and how his girlfriend had chosen to stick by him 🤨. So, yeah, your partner's not so bad. As the other guy told you, it's not the woman, it's just a guaranteed quick "relief". 

Ugh, I dont even know her reason, maybe money.

I know it is not as bad as I feel. I think it is the name. If I see his history in my head, how it is not just the website but straight up the name, that is what hurts. It feels...real? Like, I never thought of porn as real. Not even as much as a movie, more like a cartoon. And by seeing those names written as the first thing he did in the morning (he told me once that most of the time he was in the mood right after waking up) makes it so real, leaving me feeling like its not just a "cartoon" anymore. I dont know if you get what I mean

[MsJayne]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

Ugh, I dont even know her reason, maybe money.

I know it is not as bad as I feel. I think it is the name. If I see his history in my head, how it is not just the website but straight up the name, that is what hurts. It feels...real? Like, I never thought of porn as real. Not even as much as a movie, more like a cartoon. And by seeing those names written as the first thing he did in the morning (he told me once that most of the time he was in the mood right after waking up) makes it so real, leaving me feeling like its not just a "cartoon" anymore. I dont know if you get what I mean

Yes, I do get what you mean. Internet porn is one of the leading causes of divorce, and there's a reason for that, it can make partner's of porn users feel very uncomfortable. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

. I talked to a guy who is very open to answer any kind of question. He enlightened me about how he views this kind of porn use. kind of makes me think that I have intrusive thoughts and that is why I feel so down. 

It's good you have insight into the intrusive thoughts.

However why are you talking to other guys about your BFs sex life? That seems a lot more problematic than if he gets aroused by music videos or Google searches for particular pornstars. 

[brokenbird]

Just now, MsJayne said:

Yes, I do get what you mean. Internet porn is one of the leading causes of divorce, and there's a reason for that, it can make partner's of porn users feel very uncomfortable. 

And it makes me feel worse that when I told him (just a month before I found out about him using it) that I would feel betrayed if he watched porn, he just said he didnt use any and continued. I know there are worse issues and I have a good life with him. I see all the great things he does for me, how he tries to make me happy, we have a good shared home, we can count on each other and the feeling of love is obvious. Its almost like if I leave, I will probably regret it because I am treated well. But I also feel like we wasted 3 years. I say we had less intimate time in the first like 2 years because of porn, he says it is definitely not because of that, rather me being grumpy all the time.

[brokenbird]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you have insight into the intrusive thoughts.

However why are you talking to other guys about your BFs sex life? That seems a lot more problematic than if he gets aroused by music videos or Google searches for particular pornstars. 

There is this site where girls can ask guys and vice versa. This guy was awarded for being the most honest of them, so I asked him this question which he replied to

[Els]

Just to be clear, we're talking about just watching porn videos, not paying camgirls or subscribing to a particular person's OnlyFans, etc?

FWIW, I'm a woman and I generally search for porn based on the producer, actor or actress's names. I guess because I'm quite picky about what type of porn I watch, pulling up random vids rarely works for me. Certain actors have a style that resonates with me, and it's just easier to search for them than to go through 20 vids to find one that you're actually going to use... if you get what I mean.

I think that you need to have a serious think about why exactly this bothers you so much. Do you have a good relationship and sex life with him in general? Watching porn once a week is certainly not an addiction and not a problem in my view, however if he's displaying concerning behaviour (e.g. preferring porn to sex, or having unrealistic expectations, etc), then that could by a valid concern.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I also feel like we wasted 3 years. I say we had less intimate time in the first like 2 years because of porn, he says it is definitely not because of that, rather me being grumpy all the time.

Please work on your relationship. If he's being honest that you were "being grumpy" hopefully that's resolved.  Please stop policing his sexuality. 

[brokenbird]

10 minutes ago, Els said:

Just to be clear, we're talking about just watching porn videos, not paying camgirls or subscribing to a particular person's OnlyFans, etc?

Yes, nothing like the last part. That I would not tolerate.

10 minutes ago, Els said:

FWIW, I'm a woman and I generally search for porn based on the producer, actor or actress's names. I guess because I'm quite picky about what type of porn I watch, pulling up random vids rarely works for me. Certain actors have a style that resonates with me, and it's just easier to search for them than to go through 20 vids to find one that you're actually going to use... if you get what I mean.

This is exactly what he said. Certain style, looks, bodies, vibes.

 

10 minutes ago, Els said:

he's displaying concerning behaviour (e.g. preferring porn to sex, or having unrealistic expectations, etc), then that could by a valid concern.

Okay. I cant really answer this part. Our first year went with about sex once a week,maybe 6 times a month. The second and third year, when we were already living together, it was like 8-10 times a month. Now that we almost broke up, we put in energy, I opened up, learned some stuff that feels and looks good, and sex went up to 15-20 times a month. I experienced O by him. In the past, he used to reject me more. He said it was never because of porn, but because I was a meanie (I had undiagnosed bpd which I can completely manage now since my new therapist helped). Now he only rejects me if he is completely tired, but that does not make me feel bad because we have quite much intimate time, so if not today, then tomorrow. Also I can treat him as a human and I understand he can be tired, too. But in the past, I cant blame being tired, because he only worked part time. I dont know, maybe he says the truth and he really did not have the mood for me if I upset him the day before, also he was more lazy back then than now. What is sure he never expected me to do anything. Probably that was a reason behind him not wanting me more, I kinda feel like I was just pretty but not interesting

Edited December 13, 2023 by brokenbird

[Els]

2 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Yes, nothing like the last part. That I would not tolerate.

This is exactly what he said. Certain style, looks, bodies, vibes.

 

Okay. I cant really answer this part. Our first year went with about sex once a week,maybe 6 times a month. The second and third year, when we were already living together, it was like 8-10 times a month. Now that we almost broke up, we put in energy, I opened up, learned some stuff that feels and looks good, and sex went up to 15-20 times a month. I experienced O by him. In the past, he used to reject me more. He said it was never because of porn, but because I was a meanie (I had undiagnosed bpd which I can completely manage now since my new therapist helped). Now he only rejects me if he is completely tired, but that does not make me feel bad because we have quite much intimate time, so if not today, then tomorrow. Also I can treat him as a human and I understand he can be tired, too. But in the past, I cant blame being tired, because he only worked part time. I dont know, maybe he says the truth and he really did not have the mood for me if I upset him the day before, also he was more lazy back then than now

Sounds like a fairly normal relationship to me. Honestly, it sounds to me like you might be fixating on this unnecessarily, at the cost of your mental health and relationship. Perhaps after more sessions with your therapist, you would be better equipped to deal with the intrusive thoughts?

Honestly, I'm happily married and I've been searching for porn this way my entire porn-viewing life. My husband is completely in the loop and completely fine with it. If he started fixating on me searching for names, I would be perplexed and also concerned for his mental health.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Els said:

Sounds like a fairly normal relationship to me. Honestly, it sounds to me like you might be fixating on this unnecessarily, at the cost of your mental health and relationship. Perhaps after more sessions with your therapist, you would be better equipped to deal with the intrusive thoughts?

Honestly, I'm happily married and I've been searching for porn this way my entire porn-viewing life. My husband is completely in the loop and completely fine with it. If he started fixating on me searching for names, I would be perplexed and also concerned for his mental health.

So you think that less intimate time was not just the case of porn but also being inexperienced? If I listen to my gut, it feels like he got so used to him managing his own body that he was content with that once a week sex, not bothering enough to change shared sex for the better. I sense more habitual selfpleasuring and accepting things as is, instead of wantig porn more than me. It was always weird to me in the first years how he is not that sexual towards me. I never even rejected him because he did not approach me that much. And I feel like it was a habit, like he did not even think that sex could be good and could be happening more frequently and he should selfpleasure less

[mark clemson]

On 12/12/2023 at 8:22 AM, brokenbird said:

 I came to know that most of the time, he searched for porn by names instead of categories. Before this relationship, I used to use porn too, but never ones with attractive people in it,I never cared about visuals, just an interesting topic. So this hit me in the chest because I felt like it was not just "porn for a h0rny young guy", but rather a "I wanna see THAT woman".

If part of the issue is the quasi-non-anonymity, you could request that he avoid specific names in porn searches.

 

Quote

My boyfriend lied about porn use, changed his whole lifestyle and yet I still can't get over it

Emphasis on the "I". The issue is more with your emotions about it than something that truly generates a problem in your relationship. You are unlikely to find a virile male who doesn't use porn at least occasionally (or substitute sexual fantasies if he's "against porn" which some men are).

If therapy is feasible for you, you might consider trying it to see if it can help you manage your negative feelings on this topic.

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I did not, really. I just told him to please find a girl who could accept him fully, because I am not his person. 

There.  You answered your own question.  You are not "his person" for sure, and I tend to think that you are not really prepared to be in a relationship with anyone until / unless you learn how NOT to allow your insecurities to run your life.   

In the meanwhile, however, your insecurities should not be running anyone else's life.

If your sex life is not good, that can be addressed - or possibly you are simply incompatible.  

Regardless, a  person does not need to be accountable for what they  think about or look at when masturbating.  Period.