I think my husband is cheating. What should I do?

[Alpacalia]

58 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said:

wow, well when you put it like that, i guess it is. I always thought till death do us part, and divorce is not an option. I love my husband with all my heart, my biggest issue is he sees himself in a old school sense, as in men bring home the bacon and thats it. My issue is thats not enough for me, it has been an issue in our past with him being emotionally available for our kids and me. Just a little and he either cant or wont. Add to that a son with behavioral issues, life hasnt been easy. my mother and father has both had strokes the last 2-3 years and my mom now has dementia  and now possibly my husband of 20yrs maybe cheating. Its not about being unhappy, i can work on anything as long as we can trust we are faithful at the bare minimum. is that not normal anymore?

"Till death do us part" is outdated...

Marriage was developing as an institution when that term became popularized, and human lifespans were nearly half of what they are today.

A watch a lot of investigative ID, do you know how many people opt for murdering their spouse as opposed to filing for divorce? Or who remain together and lead separate lives in the same house?

It's not fair to expect two people to stay together through every circumstance, especially if it becomes toxic or unhealthy.

People used to marry for life because they didn't have many options or resources outside of marriage. 

This is not to say that marriage should be taken lightly or that people should enter into it with the mindset of it being temporary. But we need to acknowledge that things change, people change, and sometimes marriages don't work out. Society shouldn't pressure people to stay in a unhappy or unhealthy marriage just because they made a promise to stay together "till death do us part."

[Shariberry251]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

"Till death do us part" is outdated...

Marriage was developing as an institution when that term became popularized, and human lifespans were nearly half of what they are today.

A watch a lot of investigative ID, do you know how many people opt for murdering their spouse as opposed to filing for divorce? Or who remain together and lead separate lives in the same house?

It's not fair to expect two people to stay together through every circumstance, especially if it becomes toxic or unhealthy.

People used to marry for life because they didn't have many options or resources outside of marriage. 

This is not to say that marriage should be taken lightly or that people should enter into it with the mindset of it being temporary. But we need to acknowledge that things change, people change, and sometimes marriages don't work out. Society shouldn't pressure people to stay in a unhappy or unhealthy marriage just because they made a promise to stay together "till death do us part."

I am not saying no mattter what, infidelity proven, abuse etc that ppl should stay married no matter what but also I dont condone just throwing 25yrs away when it gets hard, My marraige vows mean something to me and I would never betray my husband in that way I would just be honest and leave first. Thanks for the perspective though i appreciate it

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said:

I am not saying no mattter what, infidelity proven, abuse etc that ppl should stay married no matter what but also I dont condone just throwing 25yrs away when it gets hard, My marraige vows mean something to me and I would never betray my husband in that way I would just be honest and leave first. Thanks for the perspective though i appreciate it

I know this might not be the advice you are looking for. He is cold towards you and gives you the silent treatment. I don't know if that's because you're accusing him of being unfaithful when he's not, or if it's because he's actually being unfaithful and feels guilty, but either way it's clear that there are communication and trust issues in your relationship.

You're also mentioning you feel he is "narcissistic tendencies" and that you sometimes feel "insignificant and unheard."

Hey, just to be clear, I'm not putting any blame on you here. I'm just highlighting what tends to occur when someone tries to mentally bury what they're observing.

While things do look suspicious, focus on how YOU feel in this situation. Be honest and open with yourself and decide what you truly want to do. Are you happy in this relationship? Do you feel like you can trust him? Is the communication healthy? Are your boundaries being respected? Have you thought about expressing your love for him and your vision for the marriage to flourish? 

It would be good to hear his perspective on what he thinks you can work on.

The thing is, if he is giving you the silent treatment and being cold towards you, trying to force him to talk or accusing him without concrete evidence is not going to make things better. I am sorry you are in such a bind.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Shariberry251]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I know this might not be the advice you are looking for. He is cold towards you and gives you the silent treatment. I don't know if that's because you're accusing him of being unfaithful when he's not, or if it's because he's actually being unfaithful and feels guilty, but either way it's clear that there are communication and trust issues in your relationship.

You're also mentioning you feel he is "narcissistic tendencies" and that you sometimes feel "insignificant and unheard."

Hey, just to be clear, I'm not putting any blame on you here. I'm just highlighting what tends to occur when someone tries to mentally bury what they're observing.

While things do look suspicious, focus on how YOU feel in this situation. Be honest and open with yourself and decide what you truly want to do. Are you happy in this relationship? Do you feel like you can trust him? Is the communication healthy? Are your boundaries being respected? Have you thought about expressing your love for him and your vision for the marriage to flourish? 

It would be good to hear his perspective on what he thinks you can work on.

The thing is, if he is giving you the silent treatment and being cold towards you, trying to force him to talk or accusing him without concrete evidence is not going to make things better. I am sorry you are in such a bind.

Thank you for ypur thoughtful response. Idk if he is unfaithful or not but even  our marraige counselor is saying she would be on alert from the red flags. And it doesnt make it easier when he is cold  as opposed to reassuring. He would say he feels not heard when it comes to parenting, and his feelings are valid. Thanks for listening 

[mark clemson]

This is not a suggestion that you divorce, but it sounds as if perhaps your husband knows about your sentiments towards permanent marriage and may have decided he can "do whatever he wants" believing you will be there for him no matter what?

We only ever hear one side of the story here and no doubt he has his, but that is something worth considering.

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

No only by name, and its a lady who works in his warehouse, they look to have had a 306 min conversation a few weeks ago that he lied about. Also i think he may have narcissistic qualities. He will be fine, then get annoyed and not talk to me for 2 days. Sleeps with his back to me and its like he really doesn't  care how i feel. Then last night i didnt stay in the LR waiting for him I went to lay down and he came in now talking to me like normal..its exhausting! Thank you

A five hour 'phone conversation?🤨  OK, I'm seeing where your suspicion comes from. You say you recently bought a house together and he recently started a new job, that's a couple of big life changes that may have temporarily puffed up his ego, affecting his outlook and his judgment. He's feeling pretty chuffed with himself and suddenly feels entitled, like he deserves "more".  Let's assume that, in his state of self-congratulatory delusion, he's carrying on with Ms Warehouse. How are you going to handle the situation? Divorce or fix the marriage? And what do you think he'd want to do in the event that you caught him out cheating and lying? You need to decide that before you start digging for proof of what he's up to. As far as finding that proof, you say you can't afford a PI, but do you have the tech nous to do a little investigating of your own, like buying a vehicle tracker and fitting it to his car? They're relatively cheap and easy to install. 

[Shariberry251]

28 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

A five hour 'phone conversation?🤨  OK, I'm seeing where your suspicion comes from. You say you recently bought a house together and he recently started a new job, that's a couple of big life changes that may have temporarily puffed up his ego, affecting his outlook and his judgment. He's feeling pretty chuffed with himself and suddenly feels entitled, like he deserves "more".  Let's assume that, in his state of self-congratulatory delusion, he's carrying on with Ms Warehouse. How are you going to handle the situation? Divorce or fix the marriage? And what do you think he'd want to do in the event that you caught him out cheating and lying? You need to decide that before you start digging for proof of what he's up to. As far as finding that proof, you say you can't afford a PI, but do you have the tech nous to do a little investigating of your own, like buying a vehicle tracker and fitting it to his car? They're relatively cheap and easy to install. 

Thats what i have been thinking about actually. Putting a recorder  in his  car or tracker...And idk what i would decide to do but i know i couldnt even consider fixing  what you cant be honest about right. I cant lie..part of me does not want to know , i love this man. But if he lies constantly and about things that arent even that serious..and esp about a 5 hr phone call. Of course  im now suspicious and thinking of all the other things that don't  add up..no ring, hiding your phone, being out late when im away at my moms etc..and defensive  when i ask. Do i want my life to blow up..hell no. But i cant ignore it can i, i could play that game but my emotions wont let me.  Im so conflicted. Even if i am just overthinking all of it..What doesnt change is when  i wanted to see his phone..the 1st fight we had..he wouldn't  show it to me. Why??? Im not crazy. Thats a fact. Idk if i can let that go.. i will  have to think and pray on it💔💔

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

And it doesnt make it easier when he is cold  as opposed to reassuring. He would say he feels not heard when it comes to parenting, and his feelings are valid. 

What does he mean by this? Your situation is complicated because you have children together and just bought a house. Do you work? You seem to think your husband is cold, moody, robotic and "a narcissist"? 

So your only evidence of "cheating" is a long phonecall to a coworker while you were away for the weekend?

Franky you sound very unhappily married and very angry in general about the emotional dissatisfaction. 

Was your husband present when this marriage therapist supposedly said "she would be on alert from the red flags"?  What was his response? 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said:

Putting a recorder  in his  car or tracker..

I'd go for the tracker. Then all you have to do is find out who lives at any addresses the vehicle is parked outside of, and also you'll know if he's lied about where he's been. Plus, recording people without their knowledge is illegal. 

4 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

He would say he feels not heard when it comes to parenting, and his feelings are valid.

I've seen this one quite often, it's usually about a clash of values. One person dictates how children are raised, and if the kids end up with behavioural issues because of it the other parent can get very angry and start checking out of their parent/spouse role. You can't underestimate the negative effects of one parent making the children more important than their partner. 

4 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

even  our marraige counselor is saying she would be on alert from the red flags

Did she say this in front of your husband? It's interesting that you've tagged him as a narcissist, because while his actions may appear narcissistic, if he was a true narcissist you'd be a broken, down-trodden shell of yourself after twenty-five years with him, and there's no way you'd be allowed to dictate how his children were raised. 

[Shariberry251]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does he mean by this? Your situation is complicated because you have children together and just bought a house. Do you work? You seem to think your husband is cold, moody, robotic and "a narcissist"? 

So your only evidence of "cheating" is a long phonecall to a coworker while you were away for the weekend?

Franky you sound very unhappily married and very angry in general about the emotional dissatisfaction. 

Was your husband present when this marriage therapist supposedly said "she would be on alert from the red flags"?  What was his response? 

He said ita no wonder she used to be married and now is single, he was frustrated bacause she told him he was deflecting about answering in regards to the phone call. What makes you think I am angry, to me that sounds typically male of you! Besides the phone call that was 5hrs long, he doesnt wear a wedding ring. He hides  his phone and refused to show it to me even though I gave him mine. He was out till 2 am on a saturday I was away, has started not answering my phone  calls while im 1.5 hrs away with my parents. Our sleep# bed never recorded him sleeping in our  bed another saturday while I was away...what else  do you want to know? Does that all seem ordinary to you?? It doesnt to me, I know my husband..he is in bed every night by 8pm. Except that night..its suspicious. He was pissed  my therapist told him it seems suspicious and no spouse  would be unbothered by a phone call for 5hrs with a person of the opposite  sex. If it was nothing why lie about it.  Whats wrong with wanting a closer connection with  your husband,  i need alot of work im just telling you  what I would like more of from my perspective. And sometimes its like he ignores me to punish  me ..thats how I feel! And I have had the same state job for 15 years..since thats makes a difference to you.  and like i said yes we have issues we are going to counseling but am i unhappy? I want us to be better, but not at the expense  of being unfaithful. 

[Shariberry251]

9 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I'd go for the tracker. Then all you have to do is find out who lives at any addresses the vehicle is parked outside of, and also you'll know if he's lied about where he's been. Plus, recording people without their knowledge is illegal. 

I've seen this one quite often, it's usually about a clash of values. One person dictates how children are raised, and if the kids end up with behavioural issues because of it the other parent can get very angry and start checking out of their parent/spouse role. You can't underestimate the negative effects of one parent making the children more important than their partner. 

Did she say this in front of your husband? It's interesting that you've tagged him as a narcissist, because while his actions may appear narcissistic, if he was a true narcissist you'd be a broken, down-trodden shell of yourself after twenty-five years with him, and there's no way you'd be allowed to dictate how his children were raised. 

I dont know if he is a narcissist or not, im not a psychiatrist..im just trying to make sense  of some of the things he does. His not seeming to show empathy at times, im talking my thoughts  out loud if you will. The kids  have expressed throughout the years that he doesnt try to get close to them but he gets mad and doesnt believe it i guess. I understand how he feels undermined by me w/ the parenting  and yes it is about values i suppose. I believed in spanking my kids  but after they started to get older i think it doesnt work, you have to evolve as they get older.  You cant just instill fear and have no emotional support or bond, especially  for a child  thats impulsive and reactive to begin with. Thats my opinion either  way I have great love and respect  for him we just disagree about it. And i think he resents me for it. Again we are working through  it, but my boundry is fidelity for sure. And i will get the tracker to see. In the mean time all I can do is use my best judgment. Thanks

[Alpacalia]

I think the issue is that you're feeling not close to your husband because he's just not giving you what you need.

Of course, if you're feeling rejected and not really appreciated, then you might point to other factors as to why that is so. So I guess my question would be.... Did you guys have a closeness that deteriorated when kids showed up? About spankings, is your husband advocating that your kids are treated and disciplined in a harsher fashion than what you believe? There’s a lot of debate around this, with some experts saying that it may do more harm than good in the long run.

It's hard to have that closeness and empathy when there's a fundamental disagreement like that in the relationship. But I wouldn't defer to him being a "narcissist" because he is not showing you love and empathy and closeness. He probably feels very frustrated that he's not being heard by you and that he's being judged by you for the way he parents or the fact that he doesn't agree with you on things.

In terms of the tracker, I understand your concern for fidelity and wanting to protect yourself but if you do find out he's cheating, it's not going to change how you feel. What I mean by this is that if there's a lack of closeness, lack of trust, and lack of connection, and you find out he was cheating, it's only going to solidify those feelings.

If you find he has been faithful, it still doesn't address the deeper issue of not feeling close and connected. Will you leave him if you find he is cheating? Because once you've gone that far (getting a tracker), it's hard to come back from it. But, I also understand that you don't want to be taken advantage of, and you don't want to be in a marriage where your needs are not being met and you're possibly being cheated on.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

.Our sleep# bed never recorded him sleeping in our  bed another saturday while I was away.... a phone call for 5hrs with a person of the opposite  sex. 

What was his explanation for the long phone call and your sleep number bed not recording his activity? Have you addressed the phone call and sleep number bed data in marriage therapy? 

[MsJayne]

21 hours ago, Shariberry251 said:

His not seeming to show empathy at times, im talking my thoughts  out loud if you will. The kids  have expressed throughout the years that he doesnt try to get close to them but he gets mad and doesnt believe it i guess.

It can be hard to show empathy to people who you're angry at, and it does sound like he has a big axe to grind with you, and quite possibly it's to do with him feeling like an outsider in your family. I would keep this in mind when considering how to deal with the possibility that he's having an affair. Some people get into affairs because they're a sleaze, some people because they're so lonely in their marriage. I suspect your husband may be the latter if this is what he's doing. Maybe has the attitude that he's invisible in your family dynamic, feels unappreciated, and has decided to stop being a dutiful husband and start doing things that make him happy. If your kids are in their early to mid-teens, this can be the time when an unhappy spouse starts seeing light at the end of the tunnel, the moment when the kids are old enough to cope with divorce. I'm wondering if, when your therapist noted 'red flags', she's trying to warn you that he's checking out of the relationship rather than referring to him cheating? 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I'm wondering if, when your therapist noted 'red flags', she's trying to warn you that he's checking out of the relationship rather than referring to him cheating? 

Agree. This seems to be the case and all the spyware, smart-bed data, trackers, looking at phone records, etc. while unsettling, doesn't seem to be the main issue but more of a symptom of disconnecting in general.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Wiseman2