Shariberry251 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 (edited) pretty sure my husband is cheating after 20yrs of marraige but wont admit it, do I divorce him? Im falling apart? We just bought our house together, why would he do this? I dont know what to do I feel like my life is falling apart? Edited November 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 17 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said: pretty sure my husband is cheating after 20yrs of marraige We just bought our house together, Sorry this is happening. How is your marriage overall? Do you have children? Do you both work? What are the signs that he's cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 What is the basis for your suspicion? Without concrete evidence, I would not call the divorce lawyer just yet but I would keep digging 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 hour ago, Shariberry251 said: pretty sure my husband is cheating after 20yrs of marraige but wont admit it, do I divorce him? Im falling apart? We just bought our house together, why would he do this? I dont know what to do I feel like my life is falling apart? How did you find out? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 More background please. What makes you think this is what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: How did you find out? I just know he swears hes not but gets mad and annoyed, wouldnt willingly give me his phone. He has had a phone call that lasted 5 hrs and lied about who it was. He is just different. Cold. Almost purposly giving me the silent treatment. We have been married almost 20 yrs and just bought our house 3 months ago. Idk what im going to do or how to get concrete proof. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 37 minutes ago, MsJayne said: More background please. What makes you think this is what's going on? Because he is sneaky with his phone and he has a work phone i dont have access too. I asked to see it and he wouldnt give it to me cause it toxic, and he doesnt wanna have to love like that. Its never in 20 yrs been a problem..i never look at his phone but he never has it on him always until now. He lies, and something is off i know it. One min he is fine then he gets annoyed and ignores me for 2 days. I feel like he knows it hurts me. But hes so pissed im accusing him but he is also treating me cold.. so there is that. Do i move next door..take a stand or do nothing until i find proof..idk what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 5 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said: hes so pissed im accusing him but he is also treating me cold.. so there is that. Do i move next door..take a stand or do nothing until i find proof..idk what to do? What about his behavior is suspicious? Why did you ask to see his phone? What do you mean by "move next door"? You've already "taken a stand" and confronted and accused him, but he denies it. You don't need "proof" of anything to divorce. You can consult an attorney for information support and advice in your situation. You don't seem happily married. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 Have you tried saying "Honey I don't understand what's going on with you / us. What is making you so upset? I get hurt when you are cold with me. How can we fix this?" Being annoyed & short tempered is not a clear indication of infidelity. Sounds more like stress. Not sharing a work phone depends on the job. DH & I both have jobs that require the strictest confidence. As a result neither has access to the other's work devices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 52 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Have you tried saying "Honey I don't understand what's going on with you / us. What is making you so upset? I get hurt when you are cold with me. How can we fix this?" Being annoyed & short tempered is not a clear indication of infidelity. Sounds more like stress. Not sharing a work phone depends on the job. DH & I both have jobs that require the strictest confidence. As a result neither has access to the other's work devices. I appreciate what your saying my husband is in construction he is a division manager its not a government job. I guess its because 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: What about his behavior is suspicious? Why did you ask to see his phone? What do you mean by "move next door"? You've already "taken a stand" and confronted and accused him, but he denies it. You don't need "proof" of anything to divorce. You can consult an attorney for information support and advice in your situation. You don't seem happily married. Sorry i was trying to give a overall version. One night i was away at my parents (1.5 hrs away) and he said he had to go to the office on a sat middle of day which is 30 min away from our house..i tried to call him around 6 he never answered, and he always does. Never called me back and didnt answer until 10:30 when i realized he wasnt home yet and he was annoyed that i was calling, almost as if he was with someone else. Thats when all the red flags began. Mind you we were already in marriage counseling. I love him w all my heart. But now the last 2 months he is always on his phone. He used to leave his work phone laying around..its always on him now. He has had a phone call for 5 hrs he lied about that belongs to a woman he works with and when i asked to see his phone he wouldn't give it to me. There was a sat out sleep#bed didnt record him sleeping in the bed.. He isnt reassuring he is snappy and defensive. I consider marriage to be sacred we can work out anything but only if we are loyal and faithful. I dont think thats too much to expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Have you tried saying "Honey I don't understand what's going on with you / us. What is making you so upset? I get hurt when you are cold with me. How can we fix this?" Being annoyed & short tempered is not a clear indication of infidelity. Sounds more like stress. Not sharing a work phone depends on the job. DH & I both have jobs that require the strictest confidence. As a result neither has access to the other's work devices. Its because he always left it around and now its like he hides it, never leaving it around anymore. Lies about phone calls and refuses to let me see his phone. He works in construction not for the government or anything. He had a 5hr phone call he lied about and i know it was too a women he works with because i listened to the voicemail, why lie and say it was someone else's #. Its alot of things that dont add upp, most when im away for the weekend. Why not try to reassure me..i give him open book to my phone..i have nothing to hide. Now he is ignoring me to hurt me. Of course i love him w all my heart i dont know who he is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 (edited) 50 minutes ago, Shariberry251 said: We were already in marriage counseling.. He has had a phone call for 5 hrs he lied about that belongs to a woman he works with Sorry this is happening. Are there other problems in the marriage? Please bring up the lies in marriage therapy. Asking to see his phone isn't working. He seems defensive and as if he's hiding something. Edited December 1, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 (edited) What were the reasons for being in marriage counselling prior to this? I’m getting the sense that there are much deeper issues in the marriage and his possible cheating is an escape. Too many get caught up trying to prove a partner is cheating. If you know there are major issues it’s time to deal with them. No, I don’t think it’s salvageable with him giving you the silent treatment or ignoring you. That’s passive aggressive considering you live together. The asking to see his phone has to stop. He’s not going to give it to you so don’t fixate on that anymore. Back away and think for a minute on the marriage as a whole. Is this man a good partner to you? Do you feel like you can be with him after all this has happened and considering the way he’s acting? Aside from hiring a private investigator to attempt any proof for cheating (not guaranteed) very often when there is a breakdown in trust there is no proof of infidelity. People move on of their own conviction that there’s nothing left in the relationship. Edited December 1, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 Can you follow him or track his phone? A 5 hour conversation probably isn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 hour ago, Shariberry251 said: , most when im away for the weekend. Why not try to reassure me.. Why are you going away weekends? Your marriage seems to be in deep trouble and this phone situation isn't helping. Please keep in mind that tracking devices and hacking people's phones is illegal in many jurisdictions. Especially a work phone. Why isn't your marriage therapist aware of or addressing any of this? Letting you rifle through his phone is not "reassurance". He can easily hide and delete anything. Unfortunately you're wasting your time with that approach. Cheaters can cheat without phones especially with coworkers. Being obsessed with access to his phone may be blinding you to much deeper problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 3 hours ago, Shariberry251 said: Because he is sneaky with his phone and he has a work phone i dont have access too. I asked to see it and he wouldnt give it to me cause it toxic, and he doesnt wanna have to love like that. Its never in 20 yrs been a problem..i never look at his phone but he never has it on him always until now. He lies, and something is off i know it. One min he is fine then he gets annoyed and ignores me for 2 days. I feel like he knows it hurts me. But hes so pissed im accusing him but he is also treating me cold.. so there is that. Do i move next door..take a stand or do nothing until i find proof..idk what to do? Proof is the key word here, you currently don't have any evidence, only suspicions about out of the ordinary behaviour. That being said, you've been married 20 years, so you know him back to front and know something's up. Him guarding the 'phone - yep, that is something to take notice of. Usually means the person is expecting a text message or call from someone whose name they don't want you to see appear on the screen. You say he works in construction, so if he's a site manager or in a project management role he may be expected to be available all business hours, but being called to the office on a Saturday would be very unusual. If there was some emergency on a job site, yes, he might have to go put out a fire, but I'm sure he would tell you what happened, not crack the darks with you when you question why he still isn't home by 10.30pm. Do you know any of the people he works with? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 6 hours ago, Shariberry251 said: pretty sure my husband is cheating after 20yrs but wont admit it, do I divorce him? We just bought our house together, why would he do this? Cheaters are not going to admit anything. You don't need proof of infidelity to divorce. What you need is a consultation with an attorney for information, support and advice regarding your situation in the event of divorce so you can collect your thoughts and make decisions based on the overall quality of your marriage and your recent concerns.For example your joint assets, if you have children, if you work, etc. You also could see a physician for an evaluation of your health and get some tests done especially STD testing. Be frank about your suspicions. Please discontinue having sex until your situation is cleared up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 10 hours ago, MsJayne said: Proof is the key word here, you currently don't have any evidence, only suspicions about out of the ordinary behaviour. That being said, you've been married 20 years, so you know him back to front and know something's up. Him guarding the 'phone - yep, that is something to take notice of. Usually means the person is expecting a text message or call from someone whose name they don't want you to see appear on the screen. You say he works in construction, so if he's a site manager or in a project management role he may be expected to be available all business hours, but being called to the office on a Saturday would be very unusual. If there was some emergency on a job site, yes, he might have to go put out a fire, but I'm sure he would tell you what happened, not crack the darks with you when you question why he still isn't home by 10.30pm. Do you know any of the people he works with? No only by name, and its a lady who works in his warehouse, they look to have had a 306 min conversation a few weeks ago that he lied about. Also i think he may have narcissistic qualities. He will be fine, then get annoyed and not talk to me for 2 days. Sleeps with his back to me and its like he really doesn't care how i feel. Then last night i didnt stay in the LR waiting for him I went to lay down and he came in now talking to me like normal..its exhausting! Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 14 hours ago, Shariberry251 said: Idk what im going to do or how to get concrete proof. You could hire a P.I. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 Even if he isn't cheating it sounds like quite an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage based on some of your comments. Are YOU happy? (possible cheating aside). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 36 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Even if he isn't cheating it sounds like quite an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage based on some of your comments. Are YOU happy? Also my question - has he always been like this or is this a new behavior? His phone is his phone. He has a right to his privacy. You have reason enough to be unhappy and to be discussing the future of your marriage relating to the disrespectful way that you are being treated by your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 3 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Even if he isn't cheating it sounds like quite an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage based on some of your comments. Are YOU happy? (possible cheating aside). wow, well when you put it like that, i guess it is. I always thought till death do us part, and divorce is not an option. I love my husband with all my heart, my biggest issue is he sees himself in a old school sense, as in men bring home the bacon and thats it. My issue is thats not enough for me, it has been an issue in our past with him being emotionally available for our kids and me. Just a little and he either cant or wont. Add to that a son with behavioral issues, life hasnt been easy. my mother and father has both had strokes the last 2-3 years and my mom now has dementia and now possibly my husband of 20yrs maybe cheating. Its not about being unhappy, i can work on anything as long as we can trust we are faithful at the bare minimum. is that not normal anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: Also my question - has he always been like this or is this a new behavior? His phone is his phone. He has a right to his privacy. You have reason enough to be unhappy and to be discussing the future of your marriage relating to the disrespectful way that you are being treated by your husband. based on what comments exactly? who would be happy if their spouse was lying and possibly cheating?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: Also my question - has he always been like this or is this a new behavior? His phone is his phone. He has a right to his privacy. You have reason enough to be unhappy and to be discussing the future of your marriage relating to the disrespectful way that you are being treated by your husband. no its new behavior, in the last 2 months or so 3 hours ago, stillafool said: You could hire a P.I. thanks I thought of that just cant afford it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shariberry251 Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Cheaters are not going to admit anything. You don't need proof of infidelity to divorce. What you need is a consultation with an attorney for information, support and advice regarding your situation in the event of divorce so you can collect your thoughts and make decisions based on the overall quality of your marriage and your recent concerns.For example your joint assets, if you have children, if you work, etc. You also could see a physician for an evaluation of your health and get some tests done especially STD testing. Be frank about your suspicions. Please discontinue having sex until your situation is cleared up. thank you i need to make a appt with my doctor very soon. I agree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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