Not invited to his family's Thanksgiving lunch

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

 he confirmed it. He said “yeah, I haven’t had the kids for a holiday in a long time, this is the first time in a couple of years I get to have them for a holiday with the family since they’re always spending it out of town with their mom.”

It's good you brought it up to him and he confirmed that the difference is that his children will be there. Add to this that it's at a venue and not at his aunt's house. Please allow him to enjoy the holiday with his children. Perhaps he fears you'll feel "ignored" if he dotes on them, since you've had that discussion before as well.

Enjoy your holidays with your family and he did promise to see you during the week. Why can't he have just one day. One day. With some one on one time with his kids and extended family?

Please try to be more secure in the relationship. He seems to care about you and your family.  Especially since the last time he invited you to a kiddie birthday party you were upset he was talking to other guests. 

[Bellabee10]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you sure his kids mother isn't going to be there?

No, they divorced because she cheated on him so although his family is cordial with her, they do not include her. She is married to the man she cheated on him with and they always do things separately so my boyfriend will be with his kids and family for lunch, and they will go to their mom’s for dinner. That is when I will see my boyfriend and will be with him for the weekend.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/4/2023 at 7:27 PM, Bellabee10 said:

This discomfort isn’t really that I wasn’t invited. Like I said, I don’t know the group and just met them one time. I don’t think I would even want to go again either given how much I felt so out of place and uncomfortable 

Unfortunately from your last thread and this update from it, this invitation issue seems to be a recurring theme.

If he invites you, you complain that he's talking to others or "ignored" you. If he doesn't invite you,  you feel equally left out.

Please reframe things so you can enjoy each other and holidays,events,etc without a lose-lose situation developing. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 minute ago, Bellabee10 said:

No, they divorced because she cheated on him so although his family is cordial with her, they do not include her. She is married to the man she cheated on him with and they always do things separately so my boyfriend will be with his kids and family for lunch, and they will go to their mom’s for dinner. That is when I will see my boyfriend and will be with him for the weekend.

Something is missing here…..I don’t know the full backstory here.

 

1.  how long as a couple?

2. does his kids know you?

3. does their mom know you?

4. relationship with this aunt? He’s going to? Met him?

5 why haven’t you decided something like living together yet?

 

if you have bern together for a long time, and he values this family…..maybe he wants to discuss something about you snd him in terms of r gage mrnt/ marriage so he doesn’t want you there.

 

 

[Bellabee10]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately from your last thread and this update from it, this invitation issue seems to be a recurring theme.

If he invites you, you complain that he's talking to others or "ignored" you. If he doesn't invite you,  you feel equally left out.

Please reframe things so you can enjoy each other and holidays,events,etc without a lose-lose situation developing. 

We have been to plenty of events, some with friends, some with family, and I have never felt the way I did during the last party where we went for his friends’ kids’ party. That was different because his ex girlfriend was there and it wasn’t just me feeling “ignored”, but the issue had to do more with how much the ex girlfriend was following him around and they basically talked the whole time. I am fine being excluded as I understand when others like to catch up and talk about the past that I know nothing about but it was how this was handled and just me knowing they shared a past.

We’ve done plenty of things through the years and the same thing would happen and people would break off to groups as expected and I’ve never had an issue up until that time in September. And this time because I wondered why I was included last year and not included this year, especially after he mentioned me joining a couple of weeks ago, then somewhat retracting that.

[Bellabee10]

46 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Something is missing here…..I don’t know the full backstory here.

 

1.  how long as a couple?

2. does his kids know you?

3. does their mom know you?

4. relationship with this aunt? He’s going to? Met him?

5 why haven’t you decided something like living together yet?

 

if you have bern together for a long time, and he values this family…..maybe he wants to discuss something about you snd him in terms of r gage mrnt/ marriage so he doesn’t want you there.

 

 

We’ve been together 5 years and our kids have all met each other, we’ve gone on trips, have just gone out etc. my kids and I go to his son’s football games so we have all been well acquainted for years. I have met their mom but only twice during one of those football games. She and her husband keep their distance and sit in different areas. However we wave and I smile at her. She just keeps her distance from us.

My relationship with his aunt is great. Like I mentioned, I was invited last year, even Mother's Day last year, she hosted a brunch at this same venue and invited me, had me over for 4th of July, had me and my kids over for a pool party, I went to her daughter’s baby shower (boyfriend’s cousin who I mention has a baby now), and just a couple of weeks ago, we were at the cousin’s house to see the baby and the aunt was there, we had dinner, she was mentioning how much she loved seeing me, etc.

We’ve discussed living together but not in the near future since we do not want to uproot the kids’ lives and want to wait until They’re older. We already know what city we are targeting once we decide to sell our homes and move in together.

Edited November 17, 2023 by Bellabee10

[Gaeta]

How many people will be at that venue?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bellabee10 said:

I wondered why I was included last year and not included this year, especially after he mentioned me joining a couple of weeks ago, then somewhat retracting that.

When did he actually invite you specifically and when did he "retract" it? Were the plans regarding his kids and the aunts change of venue recent?

After your discussion, that this year is quite different because he'll have his kids in addition to it being in a restaurant/venue, what questions do you still have?  

[NuevoYorko]

Let me try again: 

Do you think that your issues  when you recently attended a party with "his" people may be playing into this?   When I responded to that thread I think I even wrote "wait until you go to a reunion if you can't tolerate this situation."  Or at least I thought it.

He hasn't had his kids for TG and there is friction between you and his daughter ... he will be surrounded by his own family with whom he has a lifetime of shared history ... you need his undivided attention in social situations.  This has been a problem for you in the past.    it seems like it would easily  be a recipe for an unhappy time.   

Honestly I'm surprised you'd want to go.  Do you?  Or is it more about the invitation?

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

i guess I will bring it up but how do I do that without it sounding tacky, like I’m asking why I’m not invited somewhere? How would I phrase it? “Why is it different this year than last?”

I'd be direct.  Say something like "I don't mean to be petty but I don't understand something & my feelings are hurt.  I'm hoping you can help me figure this out.  What's up with Thanksgiving?  I don't like doing separate holidays. Do you? "  

[Bellabee10]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How many people will be at that venue?

Aunt and uncle, cousin and her husband with their little baby, boyfriend’s dad and his wife along with their little boy, and boyfriend and his two kids. I think he mentioned the grandma is going too, so 8 adults, 4 kids/baby.

Last year it was all of the above except the baby wasn’t born yet, and boyfriend’s kids weren’t there. 

[Bellabee10]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did he actually invite you specifically and when did he "retract" it? Were the plans regarding his kids and the aunts change of venue recent?

After your discussion, that this year is quite different because he'll have his kids in addition to it being in a restaurant/venue, what questions do you still have?  

Honestly it wasn’t even a formal invitation, just, yeah I think auntie is planning something but I don’t know what time or where. You should join us though. This is not unusual from him, he can mention something and as the date gets closer, he will firm things up.

That was a couple weeks ago. Only about a week ago, or less, this is when Thanksgiving was brought up again and that’s when he mentioned that his aunt is having it at xxx and he threw it out there that “yeah, only x y and z are going”- those problem I mentioned above. And he said something to the effect of “I definitely want to see you after since it’s earlier in the day and we can spend time together.” So that was an indication I was not included.

I think it’s pretty clear now the reasons why I’m not included this time so I guess there aren’t any outstanding questions. I just need to accept this is how it’s going to be and his reasoning behind it.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

 so 8 adults, 4 kids/baby.

How can he have intimate time with his children at TG with 12 people around them?  And considering the children will be sitting at the kids table anyway, right. To me his excuse makes no sense.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Bellabee10 said:

Last year it was all of the above except the boyfriend’s kids weren’t there. 

And it wasn't in a venue. Please try to relax and not feel "hurt". Last time he invited you to a party you were "hurt", now he can't even enjoy a day with his children and again you're "hurt". If no matter what he does, you'll find a way to tell him he "hurt" you, you're creating a no-win situation for everyone involved.

Also, please remember you are not married or live together so while you're dating a long time and have met each other's kids and people, you're not really  part of the family, sorry to say. 

Unfortunately it seems like you would like this relationship to be more than it is and that's why you may chronically feel "hurt" by whatever he does. 

[Bellabee10]

27 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Let me try again: 

Do you think that your issues  when you recently attended a party with "his" people may be playing into this?   When I responded to that thread I think I even wrote "wait until you go to a reunion if you can't tolerate this situation."  Or at least I thought it.

He hasn't had his kids for TG and there is friction between you and his daughter ... he will be surrounded by his own family with whom he has a lifetime of shared history ... you need his undivided attention in social situations.  This has been a problem for you in the past.    it seems like it would easily  be a recipe for an unhappy time.   

Honestly I'm surprised you'd want to go.  Do you?  Or is it more about the invitation?

 

 

 

Again, I don’t need his undivided attention at events. This was one party where I was the one person who didn’t grow up with everyone, add the ex girlfriend who followed him around and was in his face pretty much the whole time, etc.

I adore his family and have been at plenty of events with them and other groups of friends where I wasn’t the center of attention and didn’t even have an issue with it. That feeling didn’t happen but it was that particular party where all around it just I felt so out of place. That has absolutely nothing to do with his family and this particular event. I do want to go and I do love being with his family. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

 I just need to accept this is how it’s going to be and his reasoning behind it.

Why you think you have no bargaining chips in this relationship after 5 years?

[MsJayne]

15 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

I should mention his daughter just entered her teens and has changed in the past couple of years, not very respectful towards him and now dislikes me although she acts fine when around me. She was a daddy’s girl but is now going through a phase where she tries to avoid spending time with the family and sometimes he is having to force her. Not sure if this plays a very slight role but just thought I would mention it.

This is my guess, she refused to go if you were going to be there and put him in a bad position, a bit of emotional blackmail. If this is what's going on he should have put her in her place by choosing to take you as this is really awful behaviour. Given that you're usually invited to family events he needs to explain himself, and if Daddy's Girl is the reason I'd be really disappointed in him for being so weak, and I'd be disgusted with her. You've been his partner for five years, and in this situation he should have made you the priority and told the spoiled brat to stay home. 

[Alpacalia]

Have you made alternative plans for Thanksgiving?

Give this to him and let him sort out his comfortable place around the holiday that originally involves his family and all. I think the best advice is to stay out of the group until you're 101% sure that you're welcome there. If he wants to have a date with you post-fam then he will arrange this.

Go enjoy your kids and work on building traditions and memories with them.

[Bellabee10]

I wasn’t invited by the family. They also know how to get in touch with me so if they wanted me there they could’ve also invited me. I think it really depends on a lot of factors unknown to me but there have been plenty of times when I would be at the aunt’s house and they would openly talk about her plan to thrown a dinner for a special occasion or just a brunch, and she will discuss it with my boyfriend in front of me without an invitation. She’ll say something like, “what time are you getting the kids? Do you just want to meet us at this time?” Or “Ok brunch is set for Sunday at noon!” 

I’ll be there just hanging with the group while they discuss logistics of a special occasion or a small get together etc, so I’m sure this is one of those instances.

I think they’re all very selective depending on what’s happening and when, and decide whether or not they want to include me. So I highly doubt I was even brought up by them and my boyfriend also didn’t bring me up.

[Gaeta]

Question: Does his family leave out spouses at times? When the cousin is invited does it mean her husband is invited or he needs to be invited directly?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

he said something to the effect of “I definitely want to see you after since it’s earlier in the day and we can spend time together.” So that was an indication I was not included.I think it’s pretty clear now the reasons why I’m not included this time 

Absolutely. He was clear that he wants to see you afterwards and that his kids will be there and that the aunt is doing things differently this year. He also knows you see your own family as well.

Why would he "include" you when you have your own family get together and his aunt is hosting and he finally gets a holiday with his kids? It seems perfectly fine, just like introducing you as his GF at the party you ultimately didn't feel comfortable at. Please try to pick your battles. 

As far as his daughter. She is a pubescent child who has to involuntary put up with her parents divorce, being shuffled around with custody and everything else including dad's GF. Give the child a break. She's acting like a teenager. 

You, as an adult, have choices including being gracious that the aunt can't pay for your and your children's thanksgiving dinners and that your BF is appropriately enjoying a holiday with his own children for a change. Please give people a break and let go of creating stress. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Bellabee10]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Question: Does his family leave out spouses at times? When the cousin is invited does it mean her husband is invited or he needs to be invited directly?

The husband always comes although I’ve been to a couple of events where he wasn’t there but that is only because he was out of town.

The aunt has actually known the husband for a while and has history/friendship with his parents, and both moms were the ones that hooked them up to begin with. They’re all very tight knit.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

The husband always comes although

So an invitation to her means and invitation to him, l guess it's the same for the other married couples. Seems after 5 years you should have that same respect.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

Please stop bending over backwards for this man's attentions. Don't let him manipulate you with the mention of other people. Do what is right for you. It sounds like you are trying to rationalize your boyfriend's actions and feelings, but the truth is, if you are important to him and a part of his life, he would have mentioned you and included you in the holiday plans. It's not just about the event itself, but the fact that he didn't even think to include you or talk to his family about it is hurtful and indicative of how he values your relationship.

If he doesn't want you there, that's his decision. But it's also your decision to not accept being left out and to not allow him to make you feel insignificant. Go out with your family and have a good time and you might find that you prefer their company.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

The pattern I’ve been seeing, for the most part, is of my boyfriend has his kids and they have a family thing going on, they don’t think to include others outside the family. Take for instance, the weekend before Halloween, we both had our kids but just did our own things with them (I mentioned we’re 60 miles apart so not exactly easy to just randomly do something). Boyfriend’s son’s football takes up pretty much the whole weekend, but I guess the aunt invited the family mentioned above, to get together for pumpkin carving. I only found out about this the following weekend when my kids and I went to that football game where his son played and dad attended.

(...)

A part of me felt bad then too. I realize I’m not family but I guess it doesn’t feel great especially when I compare to other couples. Which I shouldn’t do.

Having separate plans when you're in a blended family is not in and of itself a problem. It's the part where you guys don't seem to communicate about these separate plans sufficiently that is problematic. Perhaps you wouldn't feel so excluded if you and your boyfriend actually had conversations about these events beforehand and he told you what his thought process was and you felt like you were part of the decision-making process.

I feel like you are too quick to dismiss your feelings. Instead of comparing yourself to other couples, you could see how your relationship measures up against your ideals. So, for example, you could ask yourself if your communication is as good as it could be. The answer is no. It's valid to feel concerned about that. Would you want to feel like someone you were in a committed five-year relationship with was part of your family and you were part of theirs? Yes. That's perfectly reasonable. And it is a strong and valid emotional need on your part. It's not something to be ashamed of or apologetic about.

12 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

The worst would be him intentionally leaving me out and for some reason just telling his family I have plans with my kids. I don’t know if maybe they mentioned having me there and he brushed it off because of that, and because this time he has his kids. I don’t know.

i guess I will bring it up but how do I do that without it sounding tacky, like I’m asking why I’m not invited somewhere? How would I phrase it? “Why is it different this year than last?”

It's somewhat troubling that, all these years in, you don't feel comfortable enough to communicate freely with your boyfriend and are worried that you might sound tacky. In my personal experience, if I can't communicate freely and comfortably with the person I'm with, that relationship is doomed.

11 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

I just spoke with him… I didn’t want it to be a conversation where I started just to put him on the spot so we chatted a bit, talked about next week and I sort of mentioned how I wish I could have spent that time with him and he said, of course we will, we’ll definitely see each other after. I mentioned I had wished I could have been included to spend it with all of them but I did mention I knew having the kids could have been a factor. I had a feeling, and he confirmed it. He said “yeah, I haven’t had the kids for a holiday in a long time, this is the first time in a couple of years I get to have them for a holiday with the family since they’re always spending it out of town with their mom.”

So although I was a bit hurt, in a sense I could understand that, where just an intimate meal with the family and his kids would be ideal. I’m trying to convince myself it is not personal but just him wanting to focus on family and his kids. I realize they’re all bonded in the sense the couples are married, there are children shared, etc and I’m just an outsider at this point who has children from a previous marriage not tied in or bonded with them.

It feels like you gave him an easy explanation to latch on to ("the kids were a factor"). Please don't do that next time. Just give him the chance to explain his perspective to you in his own words. Making suggestions regarding what you think his answer could be could communicate to him that that is the least hurtful answer he could give, and he might end up going with it to avoid hurting you. 

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why you think you have no bargaining chips in this relationship after 5 years?

Yeah. This is worrying, OP. Especially since you're planning on remaining in this relationship in the long term. Being unsatisfied and then just suppressing your dissatisfaction is not the way to to go if you want to be in a happy, long-term relationship. It really sounds to me like you're too inclined to disregard your own feelings and your boyfriend can be selfish, so he's not inclined to think about what your feelings or perspective might be. As far as compatibility goes, these aspects of your personalities do not make you a great match.

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It sounds like you are trying to rationalize your boyfriend's actions and feelings, but the truth is, if you are important to him and a part of his life, he would have mentioned you and included you in the holiday plans. It's not just about the event itself, but the fact that he didn't even think to include you or talk to his family about it is hurtful and indicative of how he values your relationship.

If he doesn't want you there, that's his decision. But it's also your decision to not accept being left out and to not allow him to make you feel insignificant. Go out with your family and have a good time and you might find that you prefer their company.

I agree with this, OP.