Not invited to his family's Thanksgiving lunch

[Bellabee10]

Hello again, I just wanted to get some ideas from you all to see if I am at all justified in feeling left out by my boyfriend yet again. Usually it would be a no brainer that this would be unacceptable to most but I do want to give more context and see if it’s more understandable that I was not asked to join in his family Thanksgiving lunch.

A bit of a background on his family- He does not talk to his mom really. He has had an issue for years with his brother and his mom sort of favored that brother. He speaks to his dad but they’re not extremely close. The ones he considers his real family is his aunt (she’s like a mom to him), his uncle, and their daughter (BFs cousin who is in her late 20s and he considers her to be a sister). They are extremely tight and he talks to them and sees them pretty much daily. 

I didn’t meet them until just about almost 2 years ago, which is another issue considering we’ve been together 5 years but won’t get into that. He explained he was closed off after his divorce but when I told him I felt hidden, that is when he introduced me right away.

So since then, I’ve been invited to a lot of events with this family and we get along great. They’ll sometimes text me to see how I am, invited to weddings, 4th of July, last Thanksgiving, they hosted at their house just the immediate family and was about 10 of us. My boyfriend didn’t have his kids that second half of the day and I didn’t have mine either.

Last week, I asked my boyfriend what the plans were for Thanksgiving since I wanted to see him and spend some time with him. My family doesn’t throw anything big as most have moved out of state so it’s just usually my parents and brother who come out and spend a couple of hours for lunch. My boyfriend then tells me that his aunt has decided to throw a luncheon at a venue, not her home this time. It’s a venue their family are co-owners of. He then mentioned it’s just him, his kids (since this year he will have them that first half of the day so they’ll join this time), the aunt and uncle, the cousin and her husband and baby, my boyfriend’s dad and his wife, and their son. This was the group that was there last year when I was invited, except for his kids. But was a little surprised I was not asked to join. A few weeks ago when I asked about the holiday, he did say “you should join.” But I think he must have forgotten he even said that. And was before he found out they decided to not host at their home.

So we’ve talked about the holiday a couple more times and he still didn’t mention me and/or me and my kids joining. I get it’s not his place to but given we’ve been together this long and his family inviting me to holiday dinners, celebrations, concerts, etc, in the past, felt a little bad. He did say that afterwards, when his kids go to their mom’s and my kids go to their dad’s, and they’re all don’t with their event, he would love to see me and we could spend time that evening and last through the weekend.

I wouldn’t think it would be right for me to even ask because like I said, it’s not his place although it would’ve been nice if he could have just mentioned it to them. And plus, it’s all just their family and his kids, so perhaps they wanted to keep it that way which I can understand and knowing I’ll have my kids… could be a lot of variables. Am I making excuses, or am I justified in feeling the way I do? Can you see it from both sides? I should mention just two days ago, the cousin was texting me and was very sweet. And my boyfriend has been wonderful and just saw him earlier today and had a great time. So nothing negative at all has happened.

[Acacia98]

I don't think anything out of the ordinary (for your relationship) has happened. I think he is closed off and takes a long time to truly open up to the person in his life (i.e., you). Of course you are justified in feeling a certain type of way about that. You have emotional needs, as do the rest of us. I suspect many people would see it as a sign that they want a form of closeness/intimacy that he just isn't wired to give and end the relationship. So there's nothing wrong with your feelings. And if they push you in the direction of ending things after you've weighed the options and opened up to him, that's perfectly understandable. If they don't push you in that direction, that is also perfectly understandable.

I guess what it comes down to is whether you can live with the fact that this is who he is and that you may have to periodically advocate for your inclusion in certain parts of his life.

[basil67]

First things first, I think you should just ask him outright if the invitation includes you and the kids.  Perhaps you are included and he assumes you know this. 

But if they specifically didn't invite you and he goes anyway, you have to ask yourself what kind of person attends a holiday event where their partner was deliberately omitted.

[Bellabee10]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

First things first, I think you should just ask him outright if the invitation includes you and the kids.  Perhaps you are included and he assumes you know this. 

But if they specifically didn't invite you and he goes anyway, you have to ask yourself what kind of person attends a holiday event where their partner was deliberately omitted.

I do know for a fact that we are not invited. It’s already been brought up a few times, just in passing and last night, he even mentioned those who are going, which are all immediate family. With the exception of his dad’s wife and his cousin’s husband, but they are married couples. He even said something g to the effect of when he’s done there, he can’t wait to see me. 

Im trying not to jump to the worst possible conclusion, because I was included last year, he brought be to all the parties, dinners, weddings, etc. so I am only guessing it’s either they want something that’s just more intimate with family since it will not be at their home this time, or maybe since this year, my boyfriend is bringing his kids so they wanted that intimacy and not have someone outside the family there with their kids (ie- me). Or they assumed since he will be with his kids, that I will be with mine and would be with my family? I don’t know. I don’t want to make excuses to try and make myself feel better about it but I also don’t want to assume the worst.

[d0nnivain]

I would get clarification.  Since you have been going to other events & you went to Thanksgiving last year your BF may have assumed you understood you were invited even though he never specifically extended the invitation.    My husband did this to me around his family events early in our relationship.  In his mind if he mentioned them to him that was an invitation. 

You say your guy said he can't wait to see you after.  Is there any chance he thought you declined his invitation in favor of having lunch with your family?  

Still you need to talk.  You are hurt by this & need to tell him that.  Then you two need a plan to deal with holidays in the future.  

[glows]

1 hour ago, Bellabee10 said:

I do know for a fact that we are not invited. It’s already been brought up a few times, just in passing and last night, he even mentioned those who are going, which are all immediate family. With the exception of his dad’s wife and his cousin’s husband, but they are married couples. He even said something g to the effect of when he’s done there, he can’t wait to see me. 

Im trying not to jump to the worst possible conclusion, because I was included last year, he brought be to all the parties, dinners, weddings, etc. so I am only guessing it’s either they want something that’s just more intimate with family since it will not be at their home this time, or maybe since this year, my boyfriend is bringing his kids so they wanted that intimacy and not have someone outside the family there with their kids (ie- me). Or they assumed since he will be with his kids, that I will be with mine and would be with my family? I don’t know. I don’t want to make excuses to try and make myself feel better about it but I also don’t want to assume the worst.

You may be right on all those points but it’s best to check with him. Feeling here like this situation triggers you back to that painful time when you felt hidden in the relationship in the first couple of years. Do you think this might be the case? Is it why you’re feeling so insecure and hesitant to say something?

Second, who in his family has met your kids? I got the faint idea here that his family haven’t met your kids at all yet. I think it’s most likely the case they’ve assumed you’re spending time with your kids and their grandparents(your parents) and brother. Does your bf know all your plans for that holiday?
 

Edited November 17, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

I would find it very strange that you have been excluded this year.

2 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

Can you see it from both sides?

What is his side? He doesn't seem to have offered an explanation, so no, I can't see his side. You are speculating, yes, but even you don't seem to know why this has happened. 

Talk to him. Ask him what's up. You've been together 5 years, so it shouldn't be so unexpected that you question why you are not invited to a family event when you have previously been included.

[Bellabee10]

34 minutes ago, glows said:

You may be right on all those points but it’s best to check with him. Feeling here like this situation triggers you back to that painful time when you felt hidden in the relationship in the first couple of years. Do you think this might be the case? Is it why you’re feeling so insecure and hesitant to say something?

Second, who in his family has met your kids? I got the faint idea here that his family haven’t met your kids at all yet. I think it’s most likely the case they’ve assumed you’re spending time with your kids and their grandparents(your parents) and brother. Does your bf know all your plans for that holiday?
 

I think you’re right, that this triggers me back to that time. I still think about it every now and then and it will still bother me to this day.

He and his kids are very comfortable around mine. We’ve all gone on trips together, we go to his son’s football games, birthday parties… but I should mention his daughter just entered her teens and has changed in the past couple of years, not very respectful towards him and now dislikes me although she acts fine when around me. She was a daddy’s girl but is now going through a phase where she tries to avoid spending time with the family and sometimes he is having to force her. Not sure if this plays a very slight role but just thought I would mention it.

The other family members, all of those I mentioned above who will be at the Thanksgiving lunch- aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband, their baby, boyfriend’s dad and his wife and their son- my kids have met them for the first time last year during a birthday party. They all thought it was cute because my kids were great with the new baby and my boyfriend’s little step brother. That was the only time they met, during that party and the aunt even invited all of us over to her home afterwards where they all had a pool party and she had dinner delivered, so it was a great time. Then they saw my boyfriend’s dad/wife/kid once more just last month during a football game.

The pattern I’ve been seeing, for the most part, is of my boyfriend has his kids and they have a family thing going on, they don’t think to include others outside the family. Take for instance, the weekend before Halloween, we both had our kids but just did our own things with them (I mentioned we’re 60 miles apart so not exactly easy to just randomly do something). Boyfriend’s son’s football takes up pretty much the whole weekend, but I guess the aunt invited the family mentioned above, to get together for pumpkin carving. I only found out about this the following weekend when my kids and I went to that football game where his son played and dad attended. He just started making jokes like “oh when we went to aunties house this weekend for pumpkins carving, so and so carved a funny looking one…” they were just joking around and his dad’s wife laughed and said yeah it was funny, etc and proceeded to show me their group photo on her phone. A part of me felt bad then too. I realize I’m not family but I guess it doesn’t feel great especially when I compare to other couples. Which I shouldn’t do.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

we’ve talked about the holiday a couple more times and he still didn’t mention me and/or me and my kids joining.

It seems different this year if his family is hosting it at a venue and he has his children along. How can he invite you and your kids if he's not hosting it or it's not at someone's home and he has to worry about sharing custody with his kids half a day? It's kind of a lot to expect his aunt to pick up a restaurant tab for you and your kids.

I'm not sure why you feel slighted considering you don't invite him and his kids for Thanksgiving and the dynamic regarding the venue and having his kids half the day is completely different. 

How come he's not invited to your place or wherever you're going?  You've already discussed it several times and it seems he's already told you about the different circumstances. (Aunt hosting at a restaurant,has his kids along this year). 

Edited November 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

In my view what he has done here is not very intelligent for whatever reason you were invited in the past and not now? I'd seek some clarification as to why this is so? Often I think as people we assume things without properly communicating them which leads to confusion.

More and more I am seeing this in everyday life.

Have a discussion with him.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

so I am only guessing it’s either they want something that’s just more intimate with family since it will not be at their home this time, or maybe since this year, my boyfriend is bringing his kids so they wanted that intimacy and not have someone outside the family there with their kids (ie- me).

^This is what I think is going on.  Maybe his kids want alone time with their Dad this holiday.  It's true that he may not think it fair to have his aunt pick up the tab for you and your kids.  Frankly, if he's your long time boyfriend why wouldn't you just come out and ask him about it so you'll  know his reasons why.  A forum has no idea.

 

7 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

I don’t want to make excuses to try and make myself feel better about it but I also don’t want to assume the worst.

What would be the worst?

Edited November 17, 2023 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

You need to talk to him about your feelings & expectations.  He has no idea that you are upset or that he's doing anything wrong.  He thinks you are OK with the separateness.  

[BaileyB]

I would agree, you should have a conversation with him and ask for clarification - why are you and your children not invited. It seems odd to me that you can be part of the family, ie, you travel with all the kids, you spend time with his extended family, but for some reason, because they have rented a venue this year you didn’t make the cut. I know blended families are hard, but it sounds like you have put in the time and you are connected with these people. I would be pretty unimpressed. I’m sorry. 

Edited November 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

5 years with this man, you are family!

I would also feel offended after all this time in his life and having blended with his family several times over the years and not be considered family. 

If they can afford to rent a venue and pay for so many people then they can afford an extra mouth, really. To me kids in a venue don't really count as a mouth, they eat like birds and run around instead of eating. The venues have a reduced price for children under 12.

I don't buy it's because it would cost more or because it's more intimate, I think your boyfriend told them you would  not be coming because he doesn't want you there, I cannot imagine the family dropping a gf of 5 years because the bill will be $50 higher.

So conclusion: You talk to him. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Bellabee10 said:

. I don’t want to make excuses to try and make myself feel better about it but I also don’t want to assume the worst.

What is "the worst", you are assuming? There doesn't seem to be a reason to make excuses if he explained he'll have his kids with him and the aunt is hosting it in a restaurant. Are you concerned he's phasing you out? 

[FMW]

I agree with the others that say you should talk to him.  Tell him directly that your feelings are hurt because you and your children were not included in his family event.  See how he reacts and what he says.  Don't spend any more time and emotion coming up with reasons that might have nothing to do with the real situation.  Face it head on.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with most of what has already been commented on. However, I do understand that it may not have been his place to invite you and your kids, especially since it's not at their home. There's a reason why you feel like you're not part of the family.

He passively said "you should join". "You should" is not the same as "I want you to". If he did so, he would have asked his aunt if you can come. If I were you I would be hurt as well. That would rely on him to invite me and I don't know...if a boyfriend who seems to not integrate me into his family in such a time like this, would be something I would want to do.

He claims to be closed off from after his divorce, but I feel like relationship recoveries are becoming a lengthy process that confuse the other person and get in the way of what the other partner (you) wants.

You're going to have to express your feelings to your boyfriend about this so both of you are clear about how you feel.

[Bellabee10]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems different this year if his family is hosting it at a venue and he has his children along. How can he invite you and your kids if he's not hosting it or it's not at someone's home and he has to worry about sharing custody with his kids half a day? It's kind of a lot to expect his aunt to pick up a restaurant tab for you and your kids.

I'm not sure why you feel slighted considering you don't invite him and his kids for Thanksgiving and the dynamic regarding the venue and having his kids half the day is completely different. 

How come he's not invited to your place or wherever you're going?  You've already discussed it several times and it seems he's already told you about the different circumstances. (Aunt hosting at a restaurant,has his kids along this year). 

He is actually invited to my home every year. He always has plans though with his family so he politely declines, but last year, he said when I was done that I was invited to his aunt’s house. So I met up with them. He is aware my Thanksgiving with my family only consists of me, my kids, mom, dad, and brother. And it’s typically a quick lunch and not a big celebration like his family does. I think this is why he always says, “That’s sweet, thank you but I have already been invited to xxx.” 

[NuevoYorko]

You very recently had a pretty serious issue with this boyfriend not paying enough attention to you when he made the choice to bring you and your children into a gathering of "his" people.   You were very unhappy and I'm sure it was a less than enjoyable experience for him as well.  

It might be appropriate for him to continue to keep his relationship with you in a different lane than those he has with his family, old friends, etc.   

You probably would be uncomfortable and he would be torn between engaging and enjoying his extended family and taking care of your needs in that type of situation.

Prior negative experiences aside, he seems inclined towards compartmentalization and it's easy for him.  

[Bellabee10]

The worst would be him intentionally leaving me out and for some reason just telling his family I have plans with my kids. I don’t know if maybe they mentioned having me there and he brushed it off because of that, and because this time he has his kids. I don’t know.

i guess I will bring it up but how do I do that without it sounding tacky, like I’m asking why I’m not invited somewhere? How would I phrase it? “Why is it different this year than last?”

[Alpacalia]

I'm hurt that x, y, z and you suck? lol

I don't know, I would phrase it as a wondering if there was a reason for the change since you were invited last year? That way it’s more of a question and less accusatory sounding. But honestly, if it were me I’d be really hurt and questioning in my mind's eye. But I'm icky like that.🙃

I know he can’t control what his family decides to do but it sounds like they have all welcomed you in the past and it would have been nice if they had extended the invitation again this year. Maybe they just didn’t think of it or assumed you had plans with your own family? I don’t know.

I’d be curious to hear how things go and what he has to say. Good luck!

[Gaeta]

@Bellabee10: Are you and this man 'dating' or you are committed to each other and working toward a future together?

I have a feeling he's *dating you* after 5 years like couples date after 6 months.

Maybe  you and I have a different take on relationships but after 5 years with a man, even if we don't live together, he is part of me and where I am invited he is invited. There is no we invite Gaeta and not her boyfriend and I would not attend a get together that my boyfriend of 5 years in not invited to. 

You've been with him a very long time, don't be worried about sounding tacky. Phrase it: Am I invited to your family Thanks Giving? Don't assume you're not invited by asking why you're not invited. I have a feeling you are invited and he's the one who decided you're not coming along this year.

Edited November 17, 2023 by Gaeta

[Bellabee10]

Hi Gaeta, we are definitely in a committed relationship, although it’s a bit non-traditional in a sense because we live quite a ways from each other and have kids that are all still in middle school. Neither one of us want to uproot them as they all have friends, family, etc. His kids’ sports take up a lot of his time as well. We do have plans to move in together when the kids get older. I know that’s well into the future and I’m ok with that. We’ve already discussed how we will sell our homes and have identified a couple of cities where we will move to.

I just spoke with him… I didn’t want it to be a conversation where I started just to put him on the spot so we chatted a bit, talked about next week and I sort of mentioned how I wish I could have spent that time with him and he said, of course we will, we’ll definitely see each other after. I mentioned I had wished I could have been included to spend it with all of them but I did mention I knew having the kids could have been a factor. I had a feeling, and he confirmed it. He said “yeah, I haven’t had the kids for a holiday in a long time, this is the first time in a couple of years I get to have them for a holiday with the family since they’re always spending it out of town with their mom.”

So although I was a bit hurt, in a sense I could understand that, where just an intimate meal with the family and his kids would be ideal. I’m trying to convince myself it is not personal but just him wanting to focus on family and his kids. I realize they’re all bonded in the sense the couples are married, there are children shared, etc and I’m just an outsider at this point who has children from a previous marriage not tied in or bonded with them.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

yeah, I haven’t had the kids for a holiday in a long time, this is the first time in a couple of years I get to have them for a holiday with the family since they’re always spending it out of town with their mom.”

So you were invited to his family reunion, it is *him* that decided you would not come along. 

23 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

Hi Gaeta, we are definitely in a committed relationship, although it’s a bit non-traditional in a sense because we live quite a ways from each other and have kids that are all still in middle school. Neither one of us want to uproot them as they all have friends, family, etc. His kids’ sports take up a lot of his time as well. We do have plans to move in together when the kids get older. I know that’s well into the future and I’m ok with that. We’ve already discussed how we will sell our homes and have identified a couple of cities where we will move to.

I understand not living together and being committed to each other. His definition of committed is different than yours though. If you lived under the same roof would he have left you behind in the name of being alone with his kids and family? NO. So he is not committed to you as we understand the definition of committed. My ex-bf and I did not live together for 5 years. I would have never left him behind in the name of being with my kids by myself. 

So, help me understand this. If he had required some time alone with his children I would have understood BUT how is spending time with his kids and 15 other members of his family being 'intimate time' ? Again, this will be a reunion in a venue so there will be a lot of people, lots of noise, conversation, kids running around with each other....how is you *not being there*  helping his intimate time with his kids?

So conclusion: Yes, it seems he still sees you, after 5 years, as an outsider. I am so sorry, that makes me so mad for you!!

Edited November 17, 2023 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

Are you sure his kids mother isn't going to be there?