Friend said nothing after, and used her phone during, my performance

[NothingSurprisesMe]

At a friend gathering, at the invitation of the host, I gave a short performance (5 minutes). In my peripheral vision, I saw my friend share something on her phone with the person next to her, while I was performing. Afterward, everyone continued socializing, but several people came up to me to comment on or ask questions about my performance. I was sitting right across from my friend; I saw her watch and listen as others said something to me about my performance, but she said nothing, and left the gathering saying nothing to me. 

This friend and I have become good friends over this past year, I've thought. We've spent a lot of one-on-one time together, and talked about many intimate things, and I've talked a lot with her about my work and goals as a performer. I know what I performed at this gathering is good; I didn't subject them to something amateurish or poorly executed, and in the past when I've performed this piece it was greeted very favorably. I don't need false flattery and honestly, just one person approaching me to share how my performance affected her is deeply gratifying. But with my good friends, even if they do or make something that's not to my taste or that I don't think is very good, I always enthusiastically offer my thanks and support and always find something positive to say. To me, that's just part of being a supportive friend; friends aren't art critics, but people who care about you and support your efforts. 

And using your phone during someone's performance is a huge peeve of mine. It wasn't like she was fielding a text from someone that maybe she had to answer then; she was continuing her conversation with the person next to her by showing her something on her phone, literally feet from me, while I was performing. 

I'm questioning if maybe we're not as good friends as I thought. I'm considering asking her about it, something along the lines of, "Hey, I noticed you didn't have anything to say to me about my performance. If you thought it was bad, you can tell me. I just thought since I've shared a lot with you about this part of my life and aspirations you'd at least say something." I wanted to get other people's takes on this first, though, and hear maybe from others who've had similar things happen. Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, NothingSurprisesMe said:

using your phone during someone's performance is a huge peeve of mine. . I'm considering asking her about it, something along the lines of, "Hey, I noticed you didn't have anything to say to me about my performance. 

Yes is rude to be on the phone during a performance. However she did show up. Let the dust settle before you ask for feedback on the performance. 

[NothingSurprisesMe]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes is rude to be on the phone during a performance. However she did show up. Let the dust settle before you ask for feedback on the performance. 

I don't need her feedback; it's fine with me if she didn't like it as she's not herself a performer and I have other actual professionals to get feedback from. It's her support I was hoping for. I cheer my friends on, and I expect the same from my friends as to me that's part of the definition of "friend." If she stood up and delivered some amateur performance of some kind, I wouldn't think of saying nothing, even if objectively I thought it sucked. 

Also, this was a performance as part of a gathering. She showed up to the gathering, not with the purpose of hearing me perform. 

Edited November 13, 2023 by NothingSurprisesMe

[basil67]

1 hour ago, NothingSurprisesMe said:

But with my good friends, even if they do or make something that's not to my taste or that I don't think is very good, I always enthusiastically offer my thanks and support and always find something positive to say. To me, that's just part of being a supportive friend; friends aren't art critics, but people who care about you and support your efforts. 

I'm so sorry this happened - this was very rude of them.  You sound like a wonderfully supportive friend.  Someone who we would be blessed to have as part of our life.

The quoted is related to "do unto others...", however I always have to remind myself that we don't all hold the same values. For example, I've got friends who do theatre and I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than see a musical or amateur theatre - so while I happily hear updates on it - I don't go to it.  Likewise, my own interests are niche and I receive extremely little support and attention over them because most have no interest.  And it's OK that people aren't interested in what I do.  Admittedly, sometimes I think they could at least ask about the latest thing, but they don't and it is what it is.   But broadly speaking, they are still wonderful friends who would always be there for me if I needed them...as I am for them.

In this case, she should have faked interest - after all, it was only five minutes.  But being friends doesn't mean that they will necessarily be enthusiastic about supporting things which they aren't interested in.  I suggest you sleep on it for a few nights and think broadly about the positives which she brings to your life.

Edited November 13, 2023 by basil67

[NothingSurprisesMe]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In this case, she should have faked interest - after all, it was only five minutes.  But being friends doesn't mean that they will necessarily be enthusiastic about supporting things which they aren't interested in.  I suggest you sleep on it for a few nights and think broadly about the positives which she brings to your life.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and perspective and I will think on it more. She's a relatively new friend, so I am sussing out what she brings to my life; as well, I'm going through a major life reevaluation of what I let in after having had some really bad experiences that suggested my boundaries aren't where they maybe need to be. In this frame of mind it's hard to know where to give grace, and where to say, "No, this is not okay," since I'm reevaluating the whole way I come to such decisions. 

Here's something I've never understood: if you have friends who do things you're not interested in, but that friend is passionate about it, isn't it part of friendship to be supportive of others' endeavors? No, they don't have to come to performances of things that aren't to their taste, or sit through sports games, but shouldn't they at least want to hear about it, and what it means to you? Friendship is like a university if you are open to learning, and it is a great way to expand your own interests. Which is not, in your case, as an example, to say you have to try to become a theater buff when it really is not your thing, but if they've been sharing with you that they're terrified of their upcoming performance, say, wouldn't you ask how it went, or wish them luck beforehand? I have a feeling (as I've read your posts over the years and you seem to be a kind person) you would do so. And so would I. This friend tells me all about her sport and I wouldn't dream of not saying congrats if she had a success, or to ask about it, or just say "good on you" for doing it in the first place, which is about all I expected from her yesterday. She relies on me for these kinds of things, so shouldn't I be able to rely on her for the same? Unless, of course, she's either very self-centered or this friendship isn't as important to her as it is/was to me. 

[basil67]

To be honest, my friends have different roles in my life and connect over different things. 

The majority of my friends are 'school mum' friends and we connect over family.   We always remember to ask about the kids and the husband and ageing parents. We support each other through trying times and celebrate the children's achievements.  I wouldn't expect my childless friends to give that kind of support because they'd be bored to tears listening about the kids.   And as none of them are creatives, I know they have no interest in my work.   My response is to find kindred spirits online or in meetup groups and connect with them over the niche stuff.   Between FB interest groups and Meetup, I find those people.   But those people won't necessarily fill other parts of my life.   With regards to if a friend was terrified about an upcoming performance, I think she'd be far more likely to confide in fellow performers who understand and could give advice. 

Your thoughts on friendship and how it can lead to growth reflect very well on you.  For example, I can sew Victorian corsets but when this comes to light, the most common response of non-creatives is to give a kind of a side eye and ask "why?".  But I think you'd respond by wanting to know how I got interested and where did I learn and what hardware do I use.  This truly is a rarity.  A skill which is sorely lacking in most conversation.   

I've pretty much learned to compartmentalise friendships and to not expect too much.  Though there are lines where a person adds nothing to your life.  I'm yet to figure out what to do about my sisters in law.  On the positive, they who would do anything for anyone. They welcome me but never, ever ask about me, my kids or anything else I'm doing....the conversation is always about them.  I'd quietly disappear from them if I had the choice!  

Edited November 13, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Sometimes when people are in the role of "audience," they sort of take on the persona of "customers."  Whether she is your good friend or not, perhaps she was not captivated by your performance.  Maybe it's just not her cuppa tea.   I agree that it was rude for her to look at her phone, but I've looked at my phone during a musical recital ... not expecting the performer to have seen me.  Not justifying it, but it happens.  At least she was not disruptive.   

In any case, I do not think you need to bring this up with her.  if your friendship has been fulfilling for over a year, her lapse of attention to you for this 5 minutes really should not take center stage in your relationship.

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't consider it rude per se that she was on her phone for a couple of minutes (unless of course she was on it the entire time? That would be rude.). Which wouldn't really make sense if that accounts for the fact that she corresponded with the person next to her. 

But I wouldn't make a fuss over a friend looking at her phone or doing something on it briefly. It's not like you were on a date and she was texting away on her phone. 

I think I'd be more ruffled that she left without saying goodbye.

3 hours ago, NothingSurprisesMe said:

Also, this was a performance as part of a gathering. She showed up to the gathering, not with the purpose of hearing me perform. 

It does seem like she could have taken a moment after your performance to offer some feedback, especially since you have shared so much with her about your aspirations and work as a performer. One explanation could be that maybe she saw you caught up in the conversation and didn't want to interrupt or come off as rude by turning the conversation towards yours and hers. 

People are there to socialize and catch up with each other, so could be she simply didn't want to take away from that. Also, sometimes people freeze in social situations when they don't know what to say. Worse case scenario, she disliked the performance and didn't want to say something critical or negative to spare your feelings. You did say that it was a performance as part of a gathering. Maybe she felt that she had nothing to contribute as a non-performer.

If her lack of feedback is bothering you, you could always wait until you have a moment one-on-one, when tension is not present, and casually bring up your performance in conversation and see if she has anything to share about it feedback-wise. But be prepared that she may just rather not offer critique, for the abovementioned reasons, and if so, just try not to take it to heart. Not everyone wants a coaching session after a performance!

But overall, I suggest letting it go and focusing on the positive feedback and support you received from others. 

Edited November 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

My response is based on a couple of premises - there are varying degrees of friendship (some less important than others) and second, people are going to show their love and support in different ways. 

No, I would not ask her what she thinks about your performance. It can come across as arrogant and self-absorbed. You’re contacting her to talk about you? Think about this for a second. 

If she isn’t present in your life like a friend should be you already have your answer. She’s too busy for you or too interested in other people to be your friend and may not think your friendship is as close as you do. Just pause here and take a step back. Be with other friends who are showing you they’re present in your life. 

[NuevoYorko]

When I was a younger person I was in a very exciting and fertile art and music scene in one of the best cities of the world.   Most of us in our friend circle were artists, writers or musicians, and a great deal of our social activities revolved around showing up to see one another's performances, book signing, reading, installation, etc.

Let me tell you - there was generally a LOT going on at these events along with the performances.   Some of it even rowdy at times.  

Nobody would have thought about questioning a friendship or calling somebody out over that.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Different strokes for different folks.

It's weird that she left afterwards but the other stuff wouldn't bother me. She can't be expected to lock eyes on you the entire performance, can she? 

If I'm around friends I'm really familiar with, I've definitely goofed off a bit when I'm supposed to be paying attention because I know its okay. My friends and I have known each other long enough to know that it's typical for us to multi-task and goof off a bit. But it sounds like you're a lil' more serious about your craft so not everyone is going to be as mindful as.

I do think, though, that there are certain basic rules of etiquette regardless of personal dynamics. If someone invites you to an event or gathering, leaving abruptly without saying anything is just plain rude. And I don't think it's unreasonable to want a friend to offer a few words of support or encouragement about their performance, but I wouldn't necessarily frame it in a confrontational or accusatory way. I think for most people unless you were really really bad or really really good they would at least say "thanks that was really nice" or something along the lines of that.

Look, you're disappointed, that's perfectly valid. But don't forget the big picture, you have the capability to make thousands of people feel things with your art, one persons lackluster response at a social gathering should not define that.

[NothingSurprisesMe]

58 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

When I was a younger person I was in a very exciting and fertile art and music scene in one of the best cities of the world.   Most of us in our friend circle were artists, writers or musicians, and a great deal of our social activities revolved around showing up to see one another's performances, book signing, reading, installation, etc.

Let me tell you - there was generally a LOT going on at these events along with the performances.   Some of it even rowdy at times.  

Nobody would have thought about questioning a friendship or calling somebody out over that.  

 

Judging by your profile name, we were in the same city, and I received my conservatory training there, and I think one reason I'm having trouble knowing what to do with this scenario is because my artist friends and I were always very respectful and supportive of each other. When someone performed or gave a reading, we listened, clapped, congratulated. When someone had an art opening, we came, and celebrated. Of course, this was mostly before smart phones. 

Also, our friends who were not artists also were respectful and supportive. And anyone who wasn't--we noticed. It's not about giving feedback; I have a trusted group of people for that, who are themselves professionals; it's about being supportive. With the friend in question, it's not just the one thing here, but this was the straw on the camel's back that made me pause and decide to go to strangers here for perspective. I'm thinking she's jealous, generally self-absorbed, or some combination of the two. I've supported her in things not because I thought they were great or interesting, but because I support HER. And I hoped for the same. My question now is whether to bring this up with her, or let it go and put a little distance between us and see how things shake out. 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, NothingSurprisesMe said:

With the friend in question, it's not just the one thing here,......I'm thinking she's jealous, generally self-absorbed, or some combination of the two.

Ah, so this could be behind you feeling so frustrated with her.  What else has she done to make you say she's jealous and self absorbed?

[NothingSurprisesMe]

40 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

She can't be expected to lock eyes on you the entire performance, can she? 

The "entire performance" was under five minutes, so yes, I think in that short time (and I said before I began that it would be under five minutes) it's reasonable to expect that a grown person could sit quietly and not show their neighbor things on their phone! Especially given she was literally three feet away from me! 

And you're so right about this one lackluster (if that's what it was) response defining my experience of sharing my art with people. Several people at this gathering approached me to tell me my performance affected them powerfully, and one person shared in detail some memories of her family that my performance evoked. I loved it. This means a ton to me.

But then there's this friend, and I suppose I'm disappointed because I expected more from her, the "more" being what I know I would give her, were the roles reversed. I've had some real blows over the past several years friendship-wise, and so this cuts deep as I try to figure out if this is a harbinger of yet another blow, and what I might do about it to put me in better stead than in the past. Thanks for your thoughts; I really appreciate them.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, NothingSurprisesMe said:

The "entire performance" was under five minutes, so yes, I think in that short time (and I said before I began that it would be under five minutes) it's reasonable to expect that a grown person could sit quietly and not show their neighbor things on their phone! Especially given she was literally three feet away from me! 

And you're so right about this one lackluster (if that's what it was) response defining my experience of sharing my art with people. Several people at this gathering approached me to tell me my performance affected them powerfully, and one person shared in detail some memories of her family that my performance evoked. I loved it. This means a ton to me.

But then there's this friend, and I suppose I'm disappointed because I expected more from her, the "more" being what I know I would give her, were the roles reversed. I've had some real blows over the past several years friendship-wise, and so this cuts deep as I try to figure out if this is a harbinger of yet another blow, and what I might do about it to put me in better stead than in the past. Thanks for your thoughts; I really appreciate them.

You're welcome.

If I may say one last thing...

Try not to assume it's a pre-cursor of things to come. That's what you have to understand first. You're jumping the gun a little bit, as it seems. Sure I can understand why you're upset / offended is because you had hoped for more attention from someone, you liked and thought would ....or should I say ..... "BE THERE" for you. But coming to, "what if" - if that person isn't you can't force them to be, or react in any other way than how they are.

So do not beat yourself up over this. Understand people are people and though you linked onto her. And sometimes these things just happen naturally as we do often read into things (wrongly sometimes; let's face it) and put our past experiences on different situations, thus rendering somewhat prejudiced conclusions. Now this doesn't mean you're to put up with treatment that causes emotional harm. So, what you could do is ... If you do care about this friend- do lay down lines, standard conduct/how they ought to be treating you, if y'all wanted to be friends. If not, well then...

You'll figure that one out I'm sure.

But you have to show where you've drawn the line, (so it's clear) and be fair, without going on the offensive and what not, things just might smooth awkwardness or smugness out. So If it works then go from there. If not, sorry to say, yup. You'll make a new friend out there someday. Good luck what ever the result is :-).

[NothingSurprisesMe]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, so this could be behind you feeling so frustrated with her.  What else has she done to make you say she's jealous and self absorbed?

It's hard to convey without revealing too much about me. We're part of this group of women that gets together for all kinds of gatherings, and it has been really great, but everything runs on a pretty superficial level, even as I think we all appreciate each other in the broad sense. One woman bought a condo in a resort town where I lived previously. She asked me for advice about location and other things, and then invited several women for an overnight at her condo and a hike and didn't invite me. Twice she did this, and my friend that I talk about here (that didn't comment on my performance and used her phone during it) was invited and went, and then proceeded to tell me in detail about it both times, despite my having told her how much it hurt that I wasn't invited to spend time with them in a place where I lived for ten years and know inside and out--all the best hikes, all the best restaurants, everything, plus I'm a trained mountaineer and ski industry professional and really know my way around the area, as it was my job. And when I really let this friend know how hurt I was that I wasn't invited, it was like she was resentful that she couldn't then just tell me all about it, even though I heard a detailed account for 2.3 miles around our local park with me hardly uttering a word. And she goes on like this about other things, too, without asking me about my experience. She also asked me all about each of the women in our larger group, and I gave her my frank impression, and I can't pinpoint how exactly but I feel a little...used. I know this might not make sense, which was why I left it out in the first place, plus I worry it's too revealing. Sometimes I just get this bad feeling and over recent years I've learned to listen to it as it's rarely wrong, sadly. 

Basically, I think this friend is not my match in depth and open-mindedness to new experiences. You're exactly right in your previous comment that were you and I hanging out socially, I'd absolutely beg you to tell me all about how you came to make corsets. I love to learn about other people, and I love when other people take a genuine interest in me--who doesn't love that? Overall, I feel so uncared for and isolated where I live (moved here just before the pandemic) that I'm seriously looking into moving, because unapologetically I expect more from my interactions with people and I'm not getting it where I am now. I do worry, though, that people have generally become more self-absorbed and harried in recent years and that will be the same wherever I go. But every place has its unique "vibe," and here, I feel very frequently frustrated in the way I currently feel frustrated with this friend. I think it's rude a. f. that you wouldn't give full attention and then say something supportive after a friend's extremely short performance that, sorry for my seeming arrogance, was damned good! It simply was, and that's a fact. If I'd feared otherwise I'd never have performed it, and I've performed it several times previously to acclaim. But more it's that I would never to to a friend the way she did to me. At best, it's just...lame, imo. 

[NothingSurprisesMe]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're welcome.

If I may say one last thing...

Try not to assume it's a pre-cursor of things to come. That's what you have to understand first. You're jumping the gun a little bit, as it seems. Sure I can understand why you're upset / offended is because you had hoped for more attention from someone, you liked and thought would ....or should I say ..... "BE THERE" for you. But coming to, "what if" - if that person isn't you can't force them to be, or react in any other way than how they are.

So do not beat yourself up over this. Understand people are people and though you linked onto her. And sometimes these things just happen naturally as we do often read into things (wrongly sometimes; let's face it) and put our past experiences on different situations, thus rendering somewhat prejudiced conclusions. Now this doesn't mean you're to put up with treatment that causes emotional harm. So, what you could do is ... If you do care about this friend- do lay down lines, standard conduct/how they ought to be treating you, if y'all wanted to be friends. If not, well then...

You'll figure that one out I'm sure.

But you have to show where you've drawn the line, (so it's clear) and be fair, without going on the offensive and what not, things just might smooth awkwardness or smugness out. So If it works then go from there. If not, sorry to say, yup. You'll make a new friend out there someday. Good luck what ever the result is :-).

Thanks. You're right. I think I just need to take all of this in and do some reflection before I say anything, I know I might be jumping the gun; I've done it before recently; I've been really traumatized by a friendship recently (with someone else, another story), and I know I'm on shaky ground internally. So I have to try to keep my eyes as wide open as possible (exhausting). 

[Acacia98]

OP, this is not the type of thing you confront someone about. You see, it makes you look petty or a bit crazy if you voice it, even though your discomfort may be justified.

Take note of it and set it aside. And perhaps lower your expectations regarding getting support for your performances from this person.

If, over time, this turns out to be recurring behavior on this person's part, then you'll know enough to tell which friendship category to place them in or whether you want to be friends at all.

I'm the sort of person who notices this kind of thing. But I don't necessarily ascribe meaning to it unless it falls into a larger pattern of behavior.

[MsJayne]

My two cents worth, it's extremely rude to openly show preoccupation during any live performance, and it was also rude of her to distract the other person from your piece. Reading through your description of this friendship it doesn't sound very rewarding, the person in question sounds a bit empty. The group trips you weren't invited on, could there be any reason at all you weren't invited? It just seems quite mean if you're normally included in the circle. I understand why it would be quite offensive to hear all about how great the trips were. I'd probably have started reconsidering this 'friend' at that point because, if you think about it, how could she not have known that it would be hurtful to you? Why did she not suggest to the condo woman to invite you along? There's something not right there. I don't think I'd bother confronting, I'd just stop initiating contact and stop confiding in her, and move towards fading her out.  

[NothingSurprisesMe]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, this is not the type of thing you confront someone about. You see, it makes you look petty or a bit crazy if you voice it, even though your discomfort may be justified.

My sense generally is the same as yours, except...what if I don't care if it makes me look petty? What I'd call her out on is not that she said nothing to me about my performance, as that could be construed as fishing for compliments (which I'm not; as I've been saying, it's about support from a friend, not false flattery). I'd call her out on the cell phone use three feet in front of me while I was performing, when my performance was a mere five minutes and I announced it would only be that long. I think it is absolutely unacceptable to diddle with your phone while at any kind of performance or even while at a meal, unless you have young children or pets at home or psychiatric or medical patients you need to check on or you're on call at a hospital or other job. To me, using a phone during a performance is not a petty thing to be upset about, especially in the circumstances we were in, and I frankly don't give a damn if she or anyone thinks it's petty. 

So should I really say nothing? I realize if I do, it could only make things worse rather than fix things between us, but if I say nothing, I already have other things I'm seeing with her that are making me question this friendship and so the friendship is guaranteed doomed if I say nothing. I also have a history of not speaking up when in retrospect I should have; I've learned the hard way that sometimes people will see what they can get away with, will see where that line is where you finally put your foot down, before they'll treat you with respect. I hate it, but it seems to be the case more often than not.

[NothingSurprisesMe]

37 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

My two cents worth, it's extremely rude to openly show preoccupation during any live performance, and it was also rude of her to distract the other person from your piece. Reading through your description of this friendship it doesn't sound very rewarding, the person in question sounds a bit empty. The group trips you weren't invited on, could there be any reason at all you weren't invited? It just seems quite mean if you're normally included in the circle. I understand why it would be quite offensive to hear all about how great the trips were. I'd probably have started reconsidering this 'friend' at that point because, if you think about it, how could she not have known that it would be hurtful to you? Why did she not suggest to the condo woman to invite you along? There's something not right there. I don't think I'd bother confronting, I'd just stop initiating contact and stop confiding in her, and move towards fading her out.  

"Empty"--good word. It's like, she seems to have some depth, but then she surprises me with her superficiality. Like thinking that going to a "top" school automatically means a person is smart. I've attended and have degrees from several "top" schools and I'll be the first to acknowledge that some of the dumbest people I've ever met were in my classes in those schools. And also that a lot of admission to those schools is based on privilege, not talent, and not hard work, though those can be present, of course, as well. 

As for the trips to this resort town where I used to live, it's definitely weird. The woman who bought the condo there asked me for my thoughts on location relative to the ski area there, and I responded with a detailed text about best ski-in, ski-out areas and corresponding condos in this large mountain. And she never responded, never said thank you, but talked endlessly about the process of closing on this multi-million-dollar condo, which I think is in poor taste to begin with; it's a resort known for its prevalence of "one-percenters," and you just don't go around talking about buying a condo there. I actually had to move from there because I could not afford to stay, so my not being invited to my old hometown with my so-called new friends in my new town takes on additional sting. Like they don't see me as the right "class" to join them, even though I'm better educated than them all. I'm also a knowledgeable mountaineer and know all sorts of great hikes in the area for a range of hiking abilities, yet they opted to do the touristy hike and then told me all about it like it was something I hadn't done a million times. It's another area with these women generally that they're just more superficial than I am, and interested in more superficial relationships and doing relatively superficial things in a half-arsed, mediocre way. And I'm the opposite of that. I want meaningful relationships. I want adventure. I want depth and excellence and a hunger always to be learning and growing. I'm sure for some, that makes me tiring. But it's awfully tiring for me to be around people who just kind-of superficially drift through life full of unexamined assumptions. I know I'm probably incompatible with these women, and vice versa. But I also crave belonging and community, and post-COVID that has been very hard to come by. I'm grateful to this group of women for all the gatherings and I do enjoy them...but try as I do to deepen the connections, there's just...nothing there to deepen. I didn't think expecting someone to keep their phones out of their hands for five minutes and to listen attentively to something I've worked hard on and that's original and interesting is asking for "deepness," just...basic manners. You know? So I'm just super-disappointed because I'd hoped for better from this particular friend. 

[d0nnivain]

She may just be a rude person who doesn't get that being on her phone was problem.  It doesn't mean she doesn't like you as a person. 

You are clearly bothered by this so you need to tell her.  Pick a quiet moment & tell her privately  that being on her phone during your performance hurt your feelings.  See how she responds & make your decision about the future of your friendship on that basis.  

Another option could be to simply write her off & fade away.  

 

I was on the periphery of a friend group (my cousin was in the group & I attended as a guest sometimes).  One of her friends fancied herself a ballerina.  This woman was far too heavy to be a ballerina.  Yet at least once per year in somebody's living room we'd all be treated to one of her performances.  Like yours it was only a few minutes.  I don't like the ballet to begin with but I sat there quietly, tried to look like I was paying attention and clapped politely when it was over.   It's not that hard to be polite. Phones don't belong at social events except as a camera.  Is there any possibility that the friend had taken a picture of your performance & was showing that to the other person?  

[NothingSurprisesMe]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She may just be a rude person who doesn't get that being on her phone was problem.  It doesn't mean she doesn't like you as a person. 

You are clearly bothered by this so you need to tell her.  Pick a quiet moment & tell her privately  that being on her phone during your performance hurt your feelings.  See how she responds & make your decision about the future of your friendship on that basis.  

Another option could be to simply write her off & fade away.  

 

I was on the periphery of a friend group (my cousin was in the group & I attended as a guest sometimes).  One of her friends fancied herself a ballerina.  This woman was far too heavy to be a ballerina.  Yet at least once per year in somebody's living room we'd all be treated to one of her performances.  Like yours it was only a few minutes.  I don't like the ballet to begin with but I sat there quietly, tried to look like I was paying attention and clapped politely when it was over.   It's not that hard to be polite. Phones don't belong at social events except as a camera.  Is there any possibility that the friend had taken a picture of your performance & was showing that to the other person?  

I think I owe it to her at least to tell her, and to see how she responds and go from there. Thanks. 

As for whether she was taking a photo of my performance, no; I know what that looks like in my peripheral vision when I'm performing; the phone kind-of gets in your face as the person holds it up toward you to snap a photo. It's distracting, which is yet another reason I think phones are 100% unacceptable in performances. Also, had she snapped a photo of me she'd subsequently have texted it to me. 

I don't "fancy myself" a performer; I've been doing this kind of performance since age five. I have degrees in it. I get paid to do it. I know exactly that kind of amateur-hour kind of scenario you're talking about, and I've been subjected to it, and in varying ways, too, by these women, and everyone falls into this gushing congratulations for the most mediocre stuff and it's' all very superficial and insincere, but at least supportive. It's like you say: It's not hard to be polite. And I do find it odd, given the circumstances, that my friend said nothing, not even after the fact, privately, to me. I suppose she didn't like it, and one spin could be that she thinks too much of me to phony-gush to me about it. Which is a nice thought, but still, it's impolite. And as a friend, not supportive. 

[Alpacalia]

I feel you're being a bit too strict about the phone thing.

As you said, you had a performance that was only 5 minutes long. And you said there were several other people who looked and made comments afterwards. From my perspective, there's nothing wrong with using the phone if your piece presentation wasn't something you want total attention for 5 minutes. And if there were enough other people that gave compliments, there might not have been a need for her to say anything.

She also wasn't implicitly invited by you to come watch your perform, but by the host of the gathering. So it's not like she was *important* of your performance to show her full attention for just you.

You've also got some very strong opinions about superficiality and doing mediocre things in a mediocre way. You seem very black and white in your thinking, which might put people off to the point... ...where they don't even care about your performance, because you have these very strong opinions. Seriously, you need to chill a bit. Stop trying so hard.

Look, if she wasn't supportive, then maybe she isn't a good friend. But if this is an outlier, don't get so worked up about it. Wait until you cool down before you reach out.

I also wonder when people talk about superficiality of others if it's instead reflecting a discomfort within ourselves (or a mistrust of others) that our facade of perfection could be stripped away or at least challenged; a denial of our own myriad insecurities that we're aware of through projection of others; a denial of our own vanity (well, until something like a unsolicited cellphone picture of us when we're unaware remind us of mere mortal status); and a profound sense of loss of control (i.e. what happens if someone else makes a decision that effects us).

I say this because of the strong reactions and judgment you have towards others who don't meet your standards of depth and excellence. It's worth exploring and reflecting on for yourself. Also, keep in mind that life is multifaceted and people have different values, interests, and priorities.

Just because someone doesn't share your passion for performance and your definition of excellence doesn't mean they're superficial. They may have other qualities that make them a good friend, and it's important to have a diverse group of people in our lives.

Anyway, that's just some food for thought. Not saying it's definitely happening in this situation, but sometimes it's good to do some self-reflection and try to look at things from a different perspective. Maybe she wasn't intentionally being rude or unsupportive, but she has her own insecurities or distractions that caused her to not be fully focused on your performance. Maybe she didn't feel like she had anything meaningful to contribute, so she chose to say nothing. Who knows, but it might be worth considering other possibilities before jumping to conclusions and potentially causing a rift in your friendship.

It sounds like she means a lot to you, so it would be a shame to lose a friendship over a small perceived slight.

[NothingSurprisesMe]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I feel you're being a bit too strict about the phone thing.

As you said, you had a performance that was only 5 minutes long. And you said there were several other people who looked and made comments afterwards. From my perspective, there's nothing wrong with using the phone if your piece presentation wasn't something you want total attention for 5 minutes. And if there were enough other people that gave compliments, there might not have been a need for her to say anything.

She also wasn't implicitly invited by you to come watch your perform, but by the host of the gathering. So it's not like she was *important* of your performance to show her full attention for just you.

You've also got some very strong opinions about superficiality and doing mediocre things in a mediocre way. You seem very black and white in your thinking, which might put people off to the point... ...where they don't even care about your performance, because you have these very strong opinions. Seriously, you need to chill a bit. Stop trying so hard.

Look, if she wasn't supportive, then maybe she isn't a good friend. But if this is an outlier, don't get so worked up about it. Wait until you cool down before you reach out.

I also wonder when people talk about superficiality of others if it's instead reflecting a discomfort within ourselves (or a mistrust of others) that our facade of perfection could be stripped away or at least challenged; a denial of our own myriad insecurities that we're aware of through projection of others; a denial of our own vanity (well, until something like a unsolicited cellphone picture of us when we're unaware remind us of mere mortal status); and a profound sense of loss of control (i.e. what happens if someone else makes a decision that effects us).

I say this because of the strong reactions and judgment you have towards others who don't meet your standards of depth and excellence. It's worth exploring and reflecting on for yourself. Also, keep in mind that life is multifaceted and people have different values, interests, and priorities.

Just because someone doesn't share your passion for performance and your definition of excellence doesn't mean they're superficial. They may have other qualities that make them a good friend, and it's important to have a diverse group of people in our lives.

Anyway, that's just some food for thought. Not saying it's definitely happening in this situation, but sometimes it's good to do some self-reflection and try to look at things from a different perspective. Maybe she wasn't intentionally being rude or unsupportive, but she has her own insecurities or distractions that caused her to not be fully focused on your performance. Maybe she didn't feel like she had anything meaningful to contribute, so she chose to say nothing. Who knows, but it might be worth considering other possibilities before jumping to conclusions and potentially causing a rift in your friendship.

It sounds like she means a lot to you, so it would be a shame to lose a friendship over a small perceived slight.

These are very presumptuous things to say about someone you know well, let alone a stranger on the internet presenting a single situation where by necessity all nuance cannot be covered or accounted for. 

I'm not alone in thinking cell phones are extremely rude, not only during a performance, but also in general socializing. Also, since I'm a stranger to you, perhaps just take my word for it if I say that this group of ladies is somewhat superficial and very few of them are accomplished at anything. And it's perfectly fine for someone to gravitate more to people who are less superficial and who have passions and interests that inspire them to work hard to be good at them. Black and white thinking would lead me ONLY ever to hang out with people who meet these criteria. Because I'm not black and white in my thinking, I recognize that while I prefer people with the above-mentioned characteristics, I also recognize that this group has value and is enjoyable to me because it provides a sense of community and these women overall are good people. Sometimes when people talk about superficiality in others it's because they have observed it in those others and concluded that, yes, they are superficial. It would detract from the purpose of this thread for me to list every single thing that led me to this observation, and it has to do with much more than passion for performance and my definition of excellence. I think in a forum like this, you just have to take a person's word for it. If I weren't a person who self-reflects, I wouldn't come here to post about a situation that bothers me, but would promptly react without considering other perspectives. 

I do have strong feelings and opinions, and I rarely share them, and I'm trying to change that. I make endless exceptions for people because I do like a diverse array of people, but as I get older I'm realizing I need to be clearer within myself about what I value, and I value people who are thoughtful about their lives, who listen, who take interest in others, because those are the kind of people who stick with you. People without these qualities, in my experience, have tended to be much more fickle. I'm realizing that if I don't assert / ask for what I want, with people as in all things, I'm not likely to get it. But to do that, you need clarity, and that can be hard, especially because people including myself are multi-faceted and unpredictable. 

A forum is not the place to psychoanalyze someone. Just take things people say as a summary of lots of small experiences that they're sharing in order to provide context for the issue they're here to receive help with. Thanks for your perspective. 

Edited November 14, 2023 by NothingSurprisesMe
Fixed a sentence that made no sense