Meeting the Children?

[Jamie0226]

Hello, and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this thread. I am 43 years old, and my boyfriend, who I have been in an exclusive/happy relationship for 11 months, is 39. We made a mutual decision early in our relationship to wait 12 months before introducing each other to our respective children. Recently, we returned from a week-long business trip to Lake Tahoe (he kindly purchased a ticket for me to join him). In October, he will be flying with me to celebrate my mother's birthday. It's a significant event for me, and he is aware of its importance.

I would like to propose moving up the timetable for introducing our children to each other (ages 12 and 8). My suggestion is to perhaps do this every other week, where we would drop something off at each other's house, exchange a brief hello, and then leave - just two to four minutes of interaction. However, I have fears that my boyfriend may express that he is not yet ready for this step, which would be devastating for me. This brings up the question of why I should bring him with me to California or continue this relationship if meeting his children for a brief interaction is not a risk he wants to take. He knows that I am expecting to meet his children in November, and he will meet mine, but the details haven't been discussed. Is it acceptable to move up the timetable by four weeks and ask to start meeting each other children in October instead of November? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

. Is it acceptable to move up the timetable by four weeks and ask to start meeting each other children in October instead of November? 

Sounds quite reasonable. Are both of you and both of your children going on the trip to your mother? 

[Gaeta]

Of course it's acceptable, 11 months or 12 months that's pretty much the same. 

What makes you think he wouldn't welcome the idea? 

Also, how serious are you toward each other? Are you talking about building a life together or this is just dating to him?

If my boyfriend of 1 year did not want me to have a 2 minute interaction with his children it would sets off all types of alarms in me. 

[Jamie0226]

Thank you both. No, my children are not joining the trip. Meeting my family is a big deal, and personally, I don't want to introduce someone to the most important people in my life who isn't willing to do a brief introduction of their children after a year/11 months of exclusive and happy dating. I don't want to continue keeping our relationship separate from our children. I want to slowly start the process of us all getting to know each other, even if we have concerns. I just wanted to make sure it's acceptable to move up the timetable by four weeks and ask to start meeting each other's children in October instead of November. It's a bit scary and I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

even if we have concerns

What concerns would that be?

 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

It's a bit scary and I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable.

What is scary about introducing each other to your kids?

[Jamie0226]

Hi and thank you again for your response. We both have 50/50 custody of our children, and there is always the fear of upsetting the children or the exes using our personal lives against us.  

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

Hi and thank you again for your response. We both have 50/50 custody of our children, and there is always the fear of upsetting the children or the exes using our personal lives against us.  

You have been dating a full year, you must know by now if trouble is expected from the exs?

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Jamie0226 said:

However, I have fears that my boyfriend may express that he is not yet ready for this step, which would be devastating for me.

You are already very close to the 12 month mark which is what he agreed to.  You are so close to it now, that give or take a couple weeks should not make much of a difference.  Are you saying that you are afraid he will tell you that he doesn't want to follow through on the agreement he originally made with you, to let your kids meet at 12 months?  You think he has changed his mind and doesn't want to have them meet anytime soon?

[Jamie0226]

Yes...that's why I want to move up the meet to October instead of November.  Meeting my family is a big deal, and personally, I don't want to introduce my boyfriend to the most important people in my life who aren't willing to do a brief introduction of their children after a year/11 months of exclusive and happy dating. 

 I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable in making the request. Is a brief introduction asking for much too much

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

Yes...that's why I want to move up the meet to October instead of November.  Meeting my family is a big deal, and personally, I don't want to introduce my boyfriend to the most important people in my life who aren't willing to do a brief introduction of their children after a year/11 months of exclusive and happy dating. 

 I want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable in making the request. Is a brief introduction asking for much too much

So if he disagrees to introduce you to his children does this mean you are not going to take him to meet your family and will break up with him?

Edited September 26, 2023 by stillafool

[stillafool]

This thread reminds me of another poster whose boyfriend will not introduce her to his adult children .  Her reason was to make sure his ex wife know they are now a couple.  He refuses to introduce them to her and comes up with a million excuses why he can't.  He spends holidays with his ex wife and kids which upset that poster because his kids don't know about her.  You may want to look up that thread as it's an interesting read and you may be able to relate to some aspects of it.

[Jamie0226]

Thank you!!!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jamie0226 said:

. We both have 50/50 custody of our children, and there is always the fear of upsetting the children or the exes using our personal lives against us.  

Do you feel he's overly concerned about rocking the boat with his children's mother?   For example he doesn't want her to know he's dating? 

What you could do is invite him out when your children are there and  break the ice and get the ball rolling as far as introducing children to whoever you are dating. Why can't you go first then see if he responds in kind? 

As far as 2-4 min. time frames this seems a bit silly and ineffective. If you are ready to introduce your children to "mom's new friend", that's fine. Just make it a brief ice cream or park visit/meeting.

However you seem to be worried that he's hiding you from his ex and therefore doesn't see the relationship as serious or long-term. Is that the hold up as far as inviting him to meet your mother? 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Jamie0226]

I would ask him why a short meet and greet is unreasonable and inform him that I don't want him to come to California with me. Most likely, I would ask to start seeing other people. While I love this man and he says he loves me, I want to be with someone who wants me involved in their life.

Am I being unreasonable? 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

Am I being unreasonable?

To answer we need to know what's the situation, you have not answered if there is an issue with the children's mother? Does he expect problem from her? As he explain why he wants a 2-4 minutes meets instead of an activity together?

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Jamie0226 said:

I would ask him why a short meet and greet is unreasonable and inform him that I don't want him to come to California with me. Most likely, I would ask to start seeing other people. While I love this man and he says he loves me, I want to be with someone who wants me involved in their life.

Am I being unreasonable? 

So you would keep him as a boyfriend but ask for an open relationship?  Why not just break up and find a man who wants you to meet and know his family?

[Lauriebell82]

My boyfriend of 6 years was nervous to meet my kids. His kids are older (at the time his son was 13 and his daughter was 23) so it was a little different in terms of the introductions. He met them at 6 months although I was ready for him to meet them sooner. But due to his nerves we waited until 6 months. I think his nervousness was he was concerned they wouldn't like him and due to the fact that they were so young at the time (3 and 5 years old). 

Now it's 6 years later and he we both have great relationships with each other's kids but I have to say I'm glad I didn't push him too much and let him meet them on his own when he was ready. I think it meant more. Some men need/like being pushed, others need to just get their on their own. So I think this depends on how your guy is and what type of personality he has. Does he value/like to stick to timelines? Or is he flexible and could you see him being willing to meet them sooner if you suggested it? You know him best so I believe the answers lies in how you percieve his flexibility with the change in plans. 

[Jamie0226]

Thank you all for your comments. It has been an amazing 11 months with this wonderful man, and I am ready to be vulnerable. This Sunday, during dinner, I will simply ensure that we are still planning to meet each other's children in November and discuss the various methods we can use to do this. The only thing I need is confirmation of the date and any reservations he may have regarding taking the next step. If Sunday goes well, I will not suggest moving up the timeline to October. I just have to trust that he won't run off after our California vacation. If our conversation doesn't go well, I will be heartbroken, but I will be an adult and let him know I am no longer interested.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, Jamie0226 said:

If our conversation doesn't go well, I will be heartbroken, but I will be an adult and let him know I am no longer interested.

How long have you guys been a couple?  Like the other poster said her guy needed 6 months because he was nervous.  Maybe that's your guy's problem.

[Jamie0226]

November is 12 months

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Jamie0226 said:

November is 12 

20 hours ago, Jamie0226 said:

If our conversation doesn't go well, I will be heartbroken, but I will be an adult and let him know I am no longer 

 

I don't fully understand why you keep saying this. You're talking like a woman that is fed up with something and ready to leave.

What else is going on with him?

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Jamie0226 said:

. I just have to trust that he won't run off after our California vacation. If our conversation doesn't go well, I will be heartbroken, but I will be an adult and let him know I am no longer interested.

What makes you feel that he'll run off and how would introducing children change that? Unfortunately you seem terrified of commitment and introducing him to any of your people. How is asking for 2 min. run-ins  with children going to supposedly solidify the relationship?

Edited September 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is asking for 2 min. run-ins  with children going to supposedly solidify the relationship?

I agree.  That is barely enough time to say hello and introduce each other.  There's no time for either to ask any questions or get to know each other.  It's basically a drive by.

[BaileyB]

On 9/26/2023 at 9:22 AM, Jamie0226 said:

Is it acceptable to move up the timetable by four weeks and ask to start meeting each other children in October instead of November? 

Yes, that is an arbitrary date that you set so I think it can be changed assuming that he is in agreement. 

I don’t have children, but I met my partner’s child after dating for six months. We met to play mini golf. My suggestion would be - plan a fun outing and introduce the children at a neutral location. You will obviously want to speak with them about your relationship before meeting - if they don’t already know. We then would get together to play board games. And bird games turned into board games and dinner… I didn’t often stay over though, that was a line that felt uncomfortable to cross until we moved in together - several years later.

I share my story only to give you one other example… I don’t know that there is a right and wrong except that you don’t want to rush it and push it on the children. I’m not really sure why you want to change the timeline, but I wouldn’t think it should be a problem.