Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well, since the statistics say that 40% of MM admit to having had an affair at some point, I would say there must be a LOT of women out there who would be the OW. Assuming that statistic is even correct, which I question, that's still not MOST...a lot, isn't the same as MOST. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 ...Am I a greedy selfish bytch?? please explain. yeah pretty much! sorry...but I just found out about a close friend whos wife is cheating and they are filing for divorce....and another aquaintance whos wife is cheating on him and has left the house and kids for him to fare for......just pisses me off how selfish and greedy the wayward spose can be.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rodeogirl Posted December 2, 2005 Author Share Posted December 2, 2005 LOL I am selfish to an extent I admit that. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 I guess I'm going to catch "heck" over this statement, but I also do not feel remorse about my situation. I understand it, I chose it, I make my own mistakes and take full responsibility for them. That being said, I do think it is a fair statement to say that most women would steer clear of a MM...but there are some that wouldn't. There are some that are so desperate for attention that they are not getting at home that morals and values take a back seat. I know I am doing wrong, I know that. I am not sitting around crying every night wondering if my MM will ever get divorced. It was a decision that I made. I accepted him for what he was and what he has...which is a wife and 2 kids. As miserable as his homelife is...and I do mean miserable...I understand and support his decision to wait until his youngest son is older to make a big move. I have never seen a dad more involved with his children. We have some ground rules and I have not broken any of them yet..neither has he. I hate the fact that someone comes around and says that everyone else's relationships are going to end of sour just because his/hers went wrong. Just like an ex-smoker trying to tell a smoker to quit...they act as though they have never been in the same situation. I feel so much hatred for the OW and MM from Hot Coco...must be from personal experience, i'm sure. Point being...adults make decisons ...good and bad...they need to take responsibility for them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 LOL I am selfish to an extent I admit that. Why are you laughing? It's not funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 I guess I'm going to catch "heck" over this statement, but I also do not feel remorse about my situation. I understand it, I chose it, I make my own mistakes and take full responsibility for them. That being said, I do think it is a fair statement to say that most women would steer clear of a MM...but there are some that wouldn't. There are some that are so desperate for attention that they are not getting at home that morals and values take a back seat. I know I am doing wrong, I know that. I am not sitting around crying every night wondering if my MM will ever get divorced. It was a decision that I made. I accepted him for what he was and what he has...which is a wife and 2 kids. As miserable as his homelife is...and I do mean miserable...I understand and support his decision to wait until his youngest son is older to make a big move. I have never seen a dad more involved with his children. We have some ground rules and I have not broken any of them yet..neither has he. I hate the fact that someone comes around and says that everyone else's relationships are going to end of sour just because his/hers went wrong. Just like an ex-smoker trying to tell a smoker to quit...they act as though they have never been in the same situation. I feel so much hatred for the OW and MM from Hot Coco...must be from personal experience, i'm sure. Point being...adults make decisons ...good and bad...they need to take responsibility for them. You got me all wrong scarlett. I don't have hatred. As far as from personal experience...well...no. I've never been cheated on. I made the mistake of having an EA and I regret that. It's selfish and immature and I regret it. I have no hatred. I just don't get the ones who have no remorse. Can't relate I guess. You say adults need to take responsibility for their actions. I have. I stopped. Are you taking responsibility as you claim we should? Are the others who have no remorse taking responsibility? Sorry, I don't see it. To each his own I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 LOL I am selfish to an extent I admit that. nothing against you RG...... its just this was the first thread I read after getting news about friends.... and selfish....in your OP you mention all the good that you do, but then you also cheat and dont understand why you dont feel bad....anyway....reminded me of my wife when she asked why I thought she was selfish, when everyone else she knows says she is the nicest sweetest person, would do anything for ya kinda gal....I told her casue I am the only one who knows your a lying coniving deceptive cheater.....she didnt have much to say after that.... dont know why I am even posting here....just venting I guess... have a nice weekend.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rodeogirl Posted December 2, 2005 Author Share Posted December 2, 2005 I told her casue I am the only one who knows your a lying coniving deceptive cheater.. wow good point. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Coco - I think the upper middle class folks manage to keep the affairs quieter, you won't see many of them on Jerry Springer for instance. I do know that when my marriage ended and I confessed it was due to my ex-h's infidelity, it was just amazing to me how many men and women who knew me confessed that their marriages had suffered similarly (or their sibling's or coworkers or neighbors' marriages). As for elmejor - I think many men are able to compartmentalize their lives and feelings. I know my ex loved me for being the mother of his children and for being his friend for 30 years, he just didn't love me like a soulmate which is how he viewed the women he cheated with (serially, not simultaneously). Rodeogirl - you might feel more remorse if you got to know his wife as a friend. My guess is you probably know her from what he tells you or you know one another casually. Once you really get to know the betrayed spouse, it becomes harder to continue to cheat without a measure of guilt. I do see both sides though, one of the women I relate to the most on this board was an OW for years. She has helped me see the dynamics in these relationships - it isn't all black and white, it isn't all wrong and right, but when the day is over - it's all pretty sad. I hope you'll be true to yourself and end your own marriage and then look for available men that you can build long lasting love with. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 coco...i do feel like i am taking responsibility for my own decisions. I made the decision so you won't hear me complaining that my mm won't leave his wife until the perfect time. Responsibility as far as being the ow...hmmmm not much to take. I just do what I want, when I want and that is part of the decisions that I made. I'm probably not your ideal person to set an example for anyone, which is good because I'm not trying to. I'm just living my life how I want. I have wasted way too many years being unhappy. If it is meant to be for me and this man, then it will work itself out. If not...then we will carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 coco...i do feel like i am taking responsibility for my own decisions. I made the decision so you won't hear me complaining that my mm won't leave his wife until the perfect time. Responsibility as far as being the ow...hmmmm not much to take. I just do what I want, when I want and that is part of the decisions that I made. I'm probably not your ideal person to set an example for anyone, which is good because I'm not trying to. I'm just living my life how I want. I have wasted way too many years being unhappy. If it is meant to be for me and this man, then it will work itself out. If not...then we will carry on. Well, you ARE very honest. I'll give you that. "I just do what I want, when I want." That pretty much says it all. Isn't that MOST OWs' attitude? (And MMs too) Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 "I just do what I want, when I want." That pretty much says it all. Isn't that MOST OWs' attitude? (And MMs too) Well it's not mine. This doesn't even have the benefit of being a 'generalisation'... more of a blanket condemnation with nothing to back it up other than prejudice. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well it's not mine. This doesn't even have the benefit of being a 'generalisation'... more of a blanket condemnation with nothing to back it up other than prejudice. Not true Sami. I'm saying in MY OPINION that's the case. I don't have to back up my opinion. It's simply my opinion. I admire Scarlet for her honesty. I think when I was in the EA I was of that attitude. You don't go into things like that outright thinking that way BUT that IS the way it really is for MOST of us, IMO. Call it a condemnation if you want. Like I said. I was in that group. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well I am sure it's fine to hold an opinion based solely on prejudice. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Have always been honest related to my feelings about this. Now..on the other hand, IF the wife was a loving person and didn't treat him so badly maybe I would feel remorse or would have never gotten involved in the first place. He is really in a bad place right now and I don't really feel "sorry" for him because after all, he is getting what he wants...(great sex when he wants and gets to stay at home with his kids). That sorta burns my a** but like I said, I knew this going in. I know people who know this wife, its not just information that I get from him because he could probably tell me anything and I would believe it...sad, i know. Anyway, others have said that she acts as though he doesn't exist. He really has tried with her, even went to counseling, obviously didn't work. She was not a very nice person to him waaaayyy before he ever started a relationship with me. Example...he had knee surgery and she didn't even go to the hospital because she had a hair and nail appt. So..there you go, I feel no remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well I am sure it's fine to hold an opinion based solely on prejudice. Aren't ALL our own views "prejudiced" to a certain degree? If you thought about your own views you'd realize they are too. That's just natural. And it's not based "solely" on prejudice. It's based on anectodal evidence as well. Case in point: Scarlett. She said it herself. She wants what she wants when she wants it. And I what about Mandy. She said as much in one of her posts too. Although now, she's trying to do the right thing. So you see. My opinion is NOT based solely on my own prejudices (not that there'd be anything wrong with that though.) Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 EVERYONE'S opinion is of value in here...that is why we are all here. I listen to everyone and do consider some of the advice given. Some advice is well taken, some is not. It helps to talk about it to someone...even if the advice and opinions are not ones that I agree with, I try to keep an open mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well coco... you can't extrapolate from scarlett and mandy to 'ALL OW/MM think this'... That's just nonsense. (btw you missed rodeogirl ) Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Have always been honest related to my feelings about this. Now..on the other hand, IF the wife was a loving person and didn't treat him so badly maybe I would feel remorse or would have never gotten involved in the first place. He is really in a bad place right now and I don't really feel "sorry" for him because after all, he is getting what he wants...(great sex when he wants and gets to stay at home with his kids). That sorta burns my a** but like I said, I knew this going in. I know people who know this wife, its not just information that I get from him because he could probably tell me anything and I would believe it...sad, i know. Anyway, others have said that she acts as though he doesn't exist. He really has tried with her, even went to counseling, obviously didn't work. She was not a very nice person to him waaaayyy before he ever started a relationship with me. Example...he had knee surgery and she didn't even go to the hospital because she had a hair and nail appt. So..there you go, I feel no remorse. Some people really bring out the worst in one another, I've been told I'm a different person since I divorced. Wonder if his leaving her would improve her disposition too? I hate to see people staying together for the kids without working on the marriage. Even if he is the best Dad he could ever be to the kids, they know that Mommy and Daddy don't get along, it'll probably screw up their own marriages - it's a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 EVERYONE'S opinion is of value in here...that is why we are all here. I listen to everyone and do consider some of the advice given. Some advice is well taken, some is not. It helps to talk about it to someone...even if the advice and opinions are not ones that I agree with, I try to keep an open mind. Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable to me and I agree 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well, imagine that...we agreed on something...lol!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well coco... you can't extrapolate from scarlett and mandy to 'ALL OW/MM think this'... That's just nonsense. I'm not Sami. ARGH! I just gave you TWO examples. You wouldn't know the other people so I gave two you knew. And I didn't say "ALL OW/MM think this" I'm not going to argue about this anymore. You're twisting what I said. Please go back and read. I stated my opinion and that's all I have to say. You aren't going to change my mind about MY opinion and MY belief and I'm not going to change yours. You think most don't think that way then fine. But if you really, really thought about it, you'd see that what I'm saying has merit and in many cases (not ALL) is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 What other people wouldn't I know? I've read every post on this forum since I joined. And as I said... I don't think like that, and I'm an OW. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 You really have me all wrong, Coco. Yes, I am the OW and yes I do what I want...but I am not encouraging others to do the same. That is where I am a little different. This is my life, as screwed up as it may be. Would I recommend this life to another woman...HELL NO!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 What other people wouldn't I know? I've read every post on this forum since I joined. And as I said... I don't think like that, and I'm an OW. People outside of LS, Sami. And you already told me that you don't have that mentality. Guess you're different. ARGH! I'm so frustrated. Scarlet I know you're not encouraging anyone to do what you're doing. Where did you get that? I'm saying that you are being honest in voicing what I think most OW/MM's attitude is. I do what I want when I want to. Obviously, no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to do this if they gave it any thought. Any serious thought. If they could delay gratification. No one ever says they recommend it. But they/we do it because, once again "We want what we want, when we want it." Why is that such a hard concept to grasp, Sami? Again, I applaud Scarlet for admitting it. I have too. There's no other reasonable explanation in my mind, as to why someone would choose to do this if they weren't only thinking about the here and now and what they wanted...with no thoughts to future consequences. It's beyond me how anyone could argue this point with me. It's like me saying "most people like chocolate." And you start asking me to back that up and it's my own prejudice, etc. etc. It's ridiculous! Ok, so you're different Sami. You got into your situation because you didn't want what you want when you wanted it. You have some other mysterious reason for getting into this. Would you recommend it to others? No. There you go. Link to post Share on other sites
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