My Husband Cheated and Confessed but now I am trying to decide my next move

[glows]

Blunt here. He screwed up several times. This was a full blown affair and you don’t even know if she is aware he’s married. Why didn’t you ask him and observe him face to face? The other major mistake was forcing himself into the house in some blind rage or blinded emotion, getting physically on top of you and forcing you into a conversation. What in the actual fu-k? 

When figuring out whether I’d be able to forgive someone something like this emotions are besides the point. Apologies are cheap, all after the fact frou frou. I’d be considering:

1) The health risks of an undisclosed affair - think about STDs and get yourself checked. If he was so easily swayed by a department store or random clerk at Zabars, I highly doubt he had any concern for your health.

2) The impact on your finances as a married couple. You both have a child to provide for. This affair is draining your finances while he sleeps in a hotel that you say isn’t cheap. Why isn’t that money not going to more family vacations or an education fund for your child? 

3) The impact on your child with parents fighting and seeing their mother not speaking to the father. His or her learning is disrupted and the child is learning that in order to communicate one must shut down. I’d wonder about these long term effects on a young child. 

4) Stalling your life plans together and all the time wasted debating that random clerk in a store. You say you want more kids and this is on hold for obvious reasons. 

Think about what this affair has cost you and whether the trust AND respect will ever be restored. I don’t believe in apologies when the problem could have been avoided in the first place. 

[BrinnM]

My opinion is a little different, but here goes:

This was a full-blown affair, and it only stopped, because he knew you'd be coming home soon. He was afraid he would get caught, and he knew (with you and your little girl back in town) that he would no longer have enough time left every day to entertain this woman, so he had to stop, but make no mistake – he would have continued happily, for another month or two, if you had stayed in Europe for another month or two. Think about that!

Another thing: I do not believe for a New York minute (or second) that he just ran into a beautiful young woman in some grocery store; and right there and then, in that very moment of mere serendipity, they start liking each other (and it's mutual), and so they start hanging out and having sex. Really?????? Is that what anybody actually believes?
My take: It is way more likely that they met on an app, or at work. (-----> think Occam's Razor)

How do you know so many things about her anyway, including exact age and how she looks and where she lives? 

I don't think, OP, that you have the full truth here, unfortunately. Initially, while reading your first post,  I thought, wow, that's a great guy actually. Many, many (not all!) men (women, too) in LTRs will cheat at some point, if the right opportunity presents itself, and this one did just that, but he came clean – how great is that? But I had missed a few details, and his story makes little sense, TBH. Plus, it was an ongoing thing, not a ONS – big difference!

I think it's great he's doing IC, and you should, too. I would put MC on hold for now. You need all the intelligence (data, details) you can get first. Otherwise, MC will be a massive waste of time & money.

You have a lot of blurry details in front of you, which need to be examined. Is he being honest?  What is he leaving out? Are they done talking? All of that and more will determine your next steps. You need 20/20 vision here. Nothing less will do.  

Edited June 29, 2023 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Another thing: I do not believe for a New York minute (or second) that he just ran into a beautiful young woman in some grocery store; and right there and then, in that very moment of mere serendipity, they start liking each other (and it's mutual), and so they start hanging out and having sex.

Yes!! This was absolutely my thought when I first read your post.

I pretty ridiculous to me that that he was not able to go a month during your absence without finding a beautiful woman to have sex with. Stress and distance aside - people deal with stress and distance in their marriage all the time and only a certain subsection of those people will cheat on their spouse. 
 

3 hours ago, glows said:

Blunt here. He screwed up several times. This was a full blown affair. The other major mistake was forcing himself into the house in some blind rage or blinded emotion, getting physically on top of you and forcing you into a conversation. What in the actual fu-k? 

Agree. The fact that he did not respect your  request for distance and tried to force himself upon you in this way would destroy my trust as much as than the actual affair. Sure - it’s his home and he was distraught. It’s still unacceptable. 

I’m assuming that he is living in a hotel because he doesn’t have any family or friends in this new city? Is there nowhere else that he can crash short term? 

[AmandaCali]

11 hours ago, Will am I said:

The first question that pops up is this: why does he have his eyes open for other women when he's simply out grocery shopping? Obviously he will see women in a grocery store. And some will be attractive. Maybe she smiled at him, but even that doesn't mean he has to get into a conversation with her. And even if he did, he didn't have to stretch it out into a coffee invitation or whatever his move was. There seems to be a certain part of him that is very much open to receiving love from another woman.

(I recognize that myself. and I learned the hard way when you have that "open" attitude, sooner or later some woman will recognize your heart is out on the street and she will pick it up)

This is a boundaries issue and I think your husband needs to do some soul searching as to its origin. Maybe with the help of an individual therapist.

 

I strongly agree with you there.

I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce. Maybe at one point in the future you know will find that you haven't been able to put this behind you and the trust is permanently gone. 

But this is not the time. It is not something to do do on impulse.

 

This is good, he came clean driven by inner motivation rather than because he got caught.

My wife told me this was the main reason why she stayed with me and she chose to invest in the marriage.

Of course you're a different person, you may make different choices. But I think this is significant.

 

All very true, but this stuff is for him to figure out. I advise don't cross over into his space and guess behind his motivations. Don't make excuses for why he did what he did.

 

Five weeks is a pretty long time to be apart. I think that if you want a good opportunity to rebuild your marriage, this situation should not last much longer.

Sit down with him, setup some rules under which he may be in the home. Make sure you are comfortable by these rules and realize that they are temporary. You cannot keep him "on probation" for the rest of his life. 

 

The steps you have been taking (moving him out and keeping him out, and not talking to him) will eventually lead up to divorce.

If that is not what you want at this point, you need to switch strategies.

 

It doesn't matter who she is. She's gone.

This is not about how pretty she is. This is not about her at all. She could have been anyone.

This is about your husband learning to stay out of these situations and about you learning to come to terms with the past and finding back your peace and dignity and confidence.

It always is. Until it isn't.

 

These last words seem very true. 

You and your husband are drifting apart at high speed. If you are serious about second chances (and it seems from the start of your story that you are), then you cannot let this

11 hours ago, Will am I said:

The first question that pops up is this: why does he have his eyes open for other women when he's simply out grocery shopping? Obviously he will see women in a grocery store. And some will be attractive. Maybe she smiled at him, but even that doesn't mean he has to get into a conversation with her. And even if he did, he didn't have to stretch it out into a coffee invitation or whatever his move was. There seems to be a certain part of him that is very much open to receiving love from another woman.

(I recognize that myself. and I learned the hard way when you have that "open" attitude, sooner or later some woman will recognize your heart is out on the street and she will pick it up)

This is a boundaries issue and I think your husband needs to do some soul searching as to its origin. Maybe with the help of an individual therapist.

 

I strongly agree with you there.

I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce. Maybe at one point in the future you know will find that you haven't been able to put this behind you and the trust is permanently gone. 

But this is not the time. It is not something to do do on impulse.

 

This is good, he came clean driven by inner motivation rather than because he got caught.

My wife told me this was the main reason why she stayed with me and she chose to invest in the marriage.

Of course you're a different person, you may make different choices. But I think this is significant.

 

All very true, but this stuff is for him to figure out. I advise don't cross over into his space and guess behind his motivations. Don't make excuses for why he did what he did.

 

Five weeks is a pretty long time to be apart. I think that if you want a good opportunity to rebuild your marriage, this situation should not last much longer.

Sit down with him, setup some rules under which he may be in the home. Make sure you are comfortable by these rules and realize that they are temporary. You cannot keep him "on probation" for the rest of his life. 

 

The steps you have been taking (moving him out and keeping him out, and not talking to him) will eventually lead up to divorce.

If that is not what you want at this point, you need to switch strategies.

 

It doesn't matter who she is. She's gone.

This is not about how pretty she is. This is not about her at all. She could have been anyone.

This is about your husband learning to stay out of these situations and about you learning to come to terms with the past and finding back your peace and dignity and confidence.

It always is. Until it isn't.

 

These last words seem very true. 

You and your husband are drifting apart at high speed. If you are serious about second chances (and it seems from the start of your story that you are), then you cannot let this situation exist.

 

How did he get in your bed? Just a few lines ago he was in a hotel close to his office. This seems to have happened in an unplanned and impulsive chain of events.

Again: open the contact, have the hard conversation and agree on boundaries that work for now. Him staying in a hotel (feeling rejected and alone) is not going to help you rebuild the marriage. Him trying to make love with you beyond what you are ready to handle isn't helping either. 

I advice to make a very conscious effort to rebuild the marriage. 

I recognize from your story that maybe something was broken beyond repair. If it was, you will know. But don't walk away from the marriage until you know that you have it your best effort.

 situation exist.

 

How did he get in your bed? Just a few lines ago he was in a hotel close to his office. This seems to have happened in an unplanned and impulsive chain of events.

Again: open the contact, have the hard conversation and agree on boundaries that work for now. Him staying in a hotel (feeling rejected and alone) is not going to help you rebuild the marriage. Him trying to make love with you beyond what you are ready to handle isn't helping either. 

I advice to make a very conscious effort to rebuild the marriage. 

I recognize from your story that maybe something was broken beyond repair. If it was, you will know. But don't walk away from the marriage until you know that you have it your best effort.

Thank You for this amazing breakdown. I feel like I am speaking with a Therapist! A lot of food for thought here. The whole situation with him ending up in my bed was,  he had keys to our home at that time. He was returning our daughter home, he had spent sometime with her. After that craziness went down, I asked him to not take the key with him.  I knew this was leading up to him possibly coming and going as he pleased. I  wanted to be firm and let him know I did not want him in the house. If he needed anything, he can call or text that he needed something and he could come by while I was at work. He did apologize,and he left  the key behind. 

He has not behaved inappropriately towards me since that single incident. I agree with your wife,  she forgave you because you had been honest, and upfront with her. That would be a reason for me as well. We haven't had a truly deep conversation. Just the conversation of when he admitted everything, I was so blindsided by everything he was saying. I was in disbelief at first, I wasn't in the mindset of asking the right questions.  It has taken this time for me to think, and question all  the hows and whys. I have so  many questions now. I am afraid to ask because I don't  know how  I may react.I don't  want to lash out in anger and say something I will regret. So I just shut down. 

My husband has never been a woman chaser or one to look at other women, I do not understand what made her different. Her beauty of course, also the fact I wasn't around. The first encounter wasn't a shock to his system? Making him think, "What the hell  am I doing here?"

I do realize we are drifting apart, maybe I am. I feel  very distant. I know it is not healthy ignoring the elephant in the room.  Which is my husband living in a hotel and him really wanting to talk and hash this out.  The hotel stay is very expensive. We are very comfortable, but this is a unnecessary expense at this point.  I know he wants to come home. I also know it would be best for our daughter as well. This must be very confusing for her. 

I will take the step and invite him back, under very certain terms. We do have have a extra guest room and he can stay there. I think we can manage to be under the same roof and respect each others privacy and boundaries. I read his text, and in the wee hours of the morning,  he sent a text saying I love you, I'm so sorry and I really miss you. So I know he's stir crazy in that room. He's up at 3 am texting. 5 weeks is a very long time to be apart. I need to sit with him and really talk. 

I know my husband wants to repair our marriage. I have been on the fence. I need to change strategies. Thank You for the insight. 

[Will am I]

If you want to keep your options open, now is the time to act. I would say: especially if you want to keep your options open.

 

The divorce option will always be open, it’s simply not a choice you need to make now. You can work on the marriage for a year, or two years, before coming to the realization that you really do not want it anymore. No time limit on that.

 

The option to rebuild your marriage is somewhat time limited though. Because by living apart and not working on the relationship and not even speaking to eachother, the window of opportunity is gradually closing on you two.

 

I’d say: have a talk where you lay down the rules of engagement and if he submits to those rules willingly, move him back into the home. Because he’s the one who started the infidelity it is your call to set the rules, it’s only fair that way.

Find a therapist and on top of that schedule multiple times per week where you dedicate to talking one on one.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

The tone of your post is that you feel bad about wanting to stay with him.

Lots of partners stay with someone who cheats on them. Some do it out of desperation. Some do it because they can genuinely envision getting past the cheating.

As others have said, I would press him on the random meeting with the woman in the grocery store. One thing cheating partners do is break the news and minimize. They sometimes do not fully disclose. So I would say press him more on this. 

But if you are convinced your husband is a good man who acted out of character, then that's a legit position. That doesn't mean you a fool or a pushover. I'm divorced and sure this is easy for me to say since I'm not married, but I don't think I'd automatically end a marriage if I learned my partner had cheated on me. I'd be devastated of course, and I might well decide to end it. But automatically end it? No--not necessarily.  This is a change from the way I thought for much of my life until I would say 5 years ago when I listened to a bunch of interviews with marriage counselors who reported that yes, couples can genuinely recover from an affair. More accurately they can rebuild a new and actually better and quite tender relationship after a breach. It's not guaranteed, of course. 

I do think you will want marriage counseling and maybe your own counseling. And I also think you may need to get in touch with your rage. I worry that you're a little too calm and too understanding. But your position to want to keep the marriage together is a dignified very reasonable position. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, AmandaCali said:

My husband has never been a woman chaser or one to look at other women, I do not understand what made her different. Her beauty of course

There is a woman on this board who’s husband has had benefits sexual affairs and a long-lasting, more emotional (not really sexual) affair. This woman has made her piece with the fact that her husband is unfaithful because, as she puts it, he’s so handsome that women just can’t resist and she shouldn’t expect that he would be faithful. I see some of that same reasoning in your posts - “of course they had an affair, he is good looking and she is a beautiful woman.” If that’s what you truly believe, that’s what you believe. As I’ve said above, I think it’s oversimplifying and justifying his decision to cheat. 

Personally, I would not allow the man to move back home if you have not yet had a truly deep conversation. I don’t consider his apologies and “I love you. I really miss you” texts to be sufficient - those are just words, said by a man who is desperate to return to his home and his family life. With all due respect, you haven’t even begun the work of healing this marriage. That work is going to take years, not weeks or months. 

If I may, I would not allow him home unless/until you have committed to the process of reconciliation. This doesn’t mean that you KNOW for sure that you will not divorce - you can’t know anything for certain right now. But, you need to be committed to marriage counselling and the idea of reconciliation. To move him home if you still very much on the fence about the decision to heal this or divorce would be even more confusing and difficult for your daughter - if and when you decide to divorce. If he can find somewhere else to live while you both do individual counselling and until you have done the work and had the hard conversations, that would be my suggestion. 

You think it’s hard for your daughter to live without her father at home now, just wait until you bring him home only to kick him out again and file for divorce - I don’t think you want to do that to her…

[AmandaCali]

9 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Here's my take on your situation.

I am quite jeealous of the man I'm in love with and, although I know many women feel the same, I realize that there are women who are somewhat "colder" and their husband's flirting style is seldom under their radar. But this latter point is an important aspect to keep an eye on, so that he doesn't feel free to behave however he pleases. Unfortunately, we have very few elements about this affair, and only his version of the story. Someone said she quite likely didn't know he was married. If that were the case, that means he was going around without his wedding ring, and possibly willingly trying to come across as a single man, which certainly doesn't play in his favor. That's just conjecture, as we don't know.

Nevertheless, how things developed (randomly and quickly) doesn't seem right to me. The perfect marriage picture you painted doesn't hold. Yes, he was far from you for a month. But seriously: he was buying groceries, started talking to a young girl and ended up having sex with her. I would want to know: how long did he hang out with her before having sex?

If it was right away, that's "holy s--t". He knew practically nothing about her and he was not even protective of you, like she could have had some STD and he could have infected you. He hooked up randomly and quickly, and I'd have serious issues with that. As she's 27, single, and easily hooking up with firstcomers, her chance of having some STD/STI in NYC is high (higher in some neighborhoods more than others). So if this is what happened and you had unprotected sex with him before he confessed, I would get tested immediately, just for good measure.

If it's after a couple weeks where he kept meeting her: why didn't he tell you he made friends with a local there and they were having coffee together and stuff? If it started innocently and then the closeness led to being intimate, I might understand it. But it seems there was nothing innocent there. This looks like he wanted to f--k a young hottie the first chance he got. He hid from you that he made friends with someone. And therefore I can understand how you are questioning being back together now. Anyone can make a mistake, but this was either rushed and very irrational, or carefully planned. I wouldn't exclude they met through some app for hook-ups. Also, he could have confessed in fear of losing family life/his household more than because he's still in love with you. And if that's a good reason is up to you. Keeping family together was a reason for me not to get separated and divorced, but I do have a long-term partner and it's been almost 12 years of us being together. He's in my situation too. It doesn't work for everybody.

Now after considering his position in the marriage, let's look at your situation more rationally. Was the sex with him very passionate or more like going through the motion? Was the sex drive high for the both of you? How often were you being intimate? Were you still in love with him? You mentioned an emotional distance. How long do you think that went on or when did it start?

Besides answering all of the above, to better understand if you might still be a (good) fit, I wouldn't feel pressured to make any decision right now. Maybe I would arrange a meetup somewhere neutral, not your home, not his hotel bedroom. A café seems like your best option, where you could ask your questions if you want to know more, and/or talk about practical things. Is the apartment you bought in NYC owned 50/50? Or is it just in his name? Staying in a hotel long-term is going to be costly.

I agree with much of your comment. The marriage wasn't perfect. I certainly didn't paint a perfect marriage picture! I paint one of Over worked, stressed out professionals who were drowning and the marriage was drifting because we worked so much in Europe. I am pretty sure the meetings happen a few times before they slept together, and neither of us really mention we've met people. We live in Manhattan, we are both professionals who mingle with a lot of random people at any given time. Especially my husband. He always has a lunch meeting or dinner meeting with clients, they often meet up for Golf, or Tennis. It's never been a issue to talk about everyone we met. We are both social and never crossed our minds to be suspect of who is she with or he with. We had trust. 

He did use protection and there wasn't  a dating app. Zabars is a local grocer in the Upper East side and West sides of NYC.  I think other neighborhoods as well, it's not uncommon for there to be a huge gathering of locals there daily getting groceries after work. He did say they saw each other a couple times there. They had conversations and it just grew from there. Neither of us always wears our wedding rings. It's  been 10 years. I know I'm married. It has nothing to do with being sneaky, mine is just uncomfortable and he and I often went without it. Nothing shady behind it. 

I know my husband is remorseful. He made a Very bad choice. But he isn't a scumbag who prowls after young women or any women for that matter. He's very principled and pulled together. He f***ed up. He and I had a great sex life.  Just right before the move though it was not often because I traveled for work and so did he. We were on two different crazy schedules. He really wants more babies and a simpler home life. I was a bit career crazy! I always have been. I was working, working on my PhD in Science. I was happy with having just our daughter, before her I was happy working and just being a wife. Suddenly I became pregnant, it wasn't planned. Not on my part, my husband was not doing his part being careful on purpose. That caused a bit of a strain on our marriage I think. Causing a bit of emotional  distance. I was adamit about not getting pregnant

The sex was passionate. We loved each other very much. I have never doubted that.  I don't doubt it now. My husband could have never told me anything and I would have been none the wiser. He's a straight shooter, he wanted to be honest with me. He doesn't  like to lie and I know he is very disappointed in himself for going against his morals with this woman. I am struggling with the hurt and betrayal. I feel if I take him back, the marriage will be different, but also stronger in many ways. When my husband sets his mind to do something he does it 100% I think we just let money and greed and career get in the way.

The town-home is owned 50/50 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AmandaCali said:

 I will take the step and invite him back, under very certain terms. We do have have a extra guest room and he can stay there. I think we can manage to be under the same roof 

That's true. Without a legal separation or divorce you can not ban him from the marital home indefinitely. 

So you'll have to find a way to live together and possibly repair your marriage or dissolve it. Only time will tell. 

[AmandaCali]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is a woman on this board who’s husband has had benefits sexual affairs and a long-lasting, more emotional (not really sexual) affair. This woman has made her piece with the fact that her husband is unfaithful because, as she puts it, he’s so handsome that women just can’t resist and she shouldn’t expect that he would be faithful. I see some of that same reasoning in your posts - “of course they had an affair, he is good looking and she is a beautiful woman.” If that’s what you truly believe, that’s what you believe. As I’ve said above, I think it’s oversimplifying and justifying his decision to cheat. 

Personally, I would not allow the man to move back home if you have not yet had a truly deep conversation. I don’t consider his apologies and “I love you. I really miss you” texts to be sufficient - those are just words, said by a man who is desperate to return to his home and his family life. With all due respect, you haven’t even begun the work of healing this marriage. That work is going to take years, not weeks or months. 

If I may, I would not allow him home unless/until you have committed to the process of reconciliation. This doesn’t mean that you KNOW for sure that you will not divorce - you can’t know anything for certain right now. But, you need to be committed to marriage counselling and the idea of reconciliation. To move him home if you still very much on the fence about the decision to heal this or divorce would be even more confusing and difficult for your daughter - if and when you decide to divorce. If he can find somewhere else to live while you both do individual counselling and until you have done the work and had the hard conversations, that would be my suggestion. 

You think it’s hard for your daughter to live without her father at home now, just wait until you bring him home only to kick him out again and file for divorce - I don’t think you want to do that to her…

Definitely do not condone the affair. I didn't mean to imply he cheated because he's just too damn sexy. Far from it! That's no disrespect to my husband,  but he is a handsome man. That being said, I think he looked at this opportunity to be with a beautiful woman, because he's never had the opportunity or even thought he could have a chance at one. Especially if we were to rewind to when he was 27! SO I believe this is part of his mid-life crisis. He was surprised the dream girl of his teens/early twenties is coming on to him. I'm sure from her part ( I may be wrong) she saw sugar daddy more than anything else. Yes he is attractive, but I haven't  noticed women stumbling over themselves to get his number. 

I'm allowing him to move back because the Hotel is Expensive. Several grand spent thus far. It is also his home as much as it is mine. If he wanted he could disregard my wishes and waltz in at anytime. I'm not hinging this decision on sweet text. The text just shows that he is hurting. He cannot be punished or banished forever. We have to resolve this one way or another. God willing it will be repaired, it will never end.  It will be something in the works everyday of our lives, for the rest of our lives. That's  the commitment I have to be certain I want to undertake. He has been in IC,  he went for help right away. 

I understand it will be difficult for our daughter either way. Either he never comes back  or he returns and leaves again. The end is the same no? The home is still broken. Having him home in a separate area of the house, will not mean all is well.  It's  just being fair.  I cannot legally keep him away from something that is rightfully his. It doesn't mean that we are back together. 

[AmandaCali]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

If you want to keep your options open, now is the time to act. I would say: especially if you want to keep your options open.

 

The divorce option will always be open, it’s simply not a choice you need to make now. You can work on the marriage for a year, or two years, before coming to the realization that you really do not want it anymore. No time limit on that.

 

The option to rebuild your marriage is somewhat time limited though. Because by living apart and not working on the relationship and not even speaking to eachother, the window of opportunity is gradually closing on you two.

 

I’d say: have a talk where you lay down the rules of engagement and if he submits to those rules willingly, move him back into the home. Because he’s the one who started the infidelity it is your call to set the rules, it’s only fair that way.

Find a therapist and on top of that schedule multiple times per week where you dedicate to talking one on one.

 

I agree.Sounds like a great plan. Thank You for being a voice of reason!

[justwhoiam]

25 minutes ago, AmandaCali said:

Suddenly I became pregnant, it wasn't planned. Not on my part, my husband was not doing his part being careful on purpose. That caused a bit of a strain on our marriage I think. Causing a bit of emotional  distance. I was adamit about not getting pregnant

Ok, thanks for clarifying. Don't underestimate that he did the above, then he forced himself on top of you recently. I understand he wanted babies after a few years, but that's not the way to get what you want. He tends to want his way, at any cost, even at the expense of your well-being.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're really leaning towards staying, then it's time for you to really think about the kind of marriage you want. Drop all the "buts" and the pragmatic "can't do" x or y and go for your idea of a dream marriage. If you're going to rebuild things, rebuild them in the best possible way. 

Sounds to me that you were not traumatically triggered by his cheating. Also sounds like you respect that he reported on himself without really needing to. Lots of people, probably most, are traumatically triggered when they learn of cheating. And when folks are in that excruciating pain, they can't acknowledge anything the cheating partner did right. 

You guys don't have to be totally fake with the daughter. If it's clear that you guys are distant from each other and cold, then it's probably a good idea to tell her that mom and dad are going through something right now but that you are determined to work on it. Where kids get confused and messed up is when their body senses all this tension and yet the grownups are acting like everything is normal. That conflict the kid experiences (between the tension and the words of normality) creates this confusion in the kid. And worse, it teaches the kid to ignore body signals that something is wrong. Which down the line can become disastrous when the kid feels uncomfortable in their body about a relationship (body signaling possible danger) and then they just ignore that. 

Overall, it seems like you are doing shockingly well under the circumstances.

[AmandaCali]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you're really leaning towards staying, then it's time for you to really think about the kind of marriage you want. Drop all the "buts" and the pragmatic "can't do" x or y and go for your idea of a dream marriage. If you're going to rebuild things, rebuild them in the best possible way. 

Sounds to me that you were not traumatically triggered by his cheating. Also sounds like you respect that he reported on himself without really needing to. Lots of people, probably most, are traumatically triggered when they learn of cheating. And when folks are in that excruciating pain, they can't acknowledge anything the cheating partner did right. 

You guys don't have to be totally fake with the daughter. If it's clear that you guys are distant from each other and cold, then it's probably a good idea to tell her that mom and dad are going through something right now but that you are determined to work on it. Where kids get confused and messed up is when their body senses all this tension and yet the grownups are acting like everything is normal. That conflict the kid experiences (between the tension and the words of normality) creates this confusion in the kid. And worse, it teaches the kid to ignore body signals that something is wrong. Which down the line can become disastrous when the kid feels uncomfortable in their body about a relationship (body signaling possible danger) and then they just ignore that. 

Overall, it seems like you are doing shockingly well under the circumstances.

I really appreciate the way you addressed my daughters emotions. I agree 100% I don't agree with the NOT being emotionally  or traumatically triggered. I am, it has caused a lot of my insecurities to rise again. It's been 5 weeks since he moved out.  It's been a daily struggle to not want to be angry unjustly or even do mean things to him. I kissed another man. That, wouldn't  have happened if I weren't hurt. I went out,  got drunk with every intention of doing something terrible and hurting him. But I have a great ability to control my emotions and a great deal  of discipline and reason. I know this was caused by issues my husband has within. Be it a midlife crisis or whatever, its's not my fault. Trust and believe.  It took a lot to talk myself into my senses. I thought to  myself when I left him sitting after he confessed. I'm going to find this particular man I met at work, who keeps accosting me,  even though he knows I'm married. But what would that solve. 

I have to keep myself together. I am a rational thinker. I have thought his actions through, I feel like our marriage the one we previously had is dead. It's like I lost a loved one. But he's here, the man I knew before all of this is gone. I will never see him the same even though I love him, there is some respect that has left the building. I'm very cautious in reconciliation because I am sort of afraid of what my new role as wife will  play out as. Will  I turn bitter?  Will  I be suspect of every woman? I have to disagree that I have not been traumatically triggered or broken apart from his infidelity. I'm not the same. I'm now a woman who's husband had an affair. This is all  extremely traumatic. Rebuilding who I am as a wife. As a woman. It  changes every dynamic of my life now. Even as a Mother, to think I will have to tell my daughter  "Your Father was unfaithful." That will come up I'm sure in the future, possibly one day when she is to marry. I'm not unscathed by any means. 

[basil67]

On 6/28/2023 at 2:34 PM, AmandaCali said:

I wake up to  my husband trying to have sex with me. I was certainly in shock! I wake up to a man on top of me,

You keep saying that he's a good man who make a mistake...but then there's this ^

Good men do not access the house of their estranged wife and attempt to rape them

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, AmandaCali said:

. Rebuilding who I am as a wife. As a woman. 

Please only focus on this. You're right that the man you thought you knew as your husband is "dead".  He completely upended your life and sanity and reality.

Please don't go it alone. Of course in addition to the emotional support of a therapist, please consult an attorney at least for objective advice support and information regarding your options.

For example you can't bar him from the marital home.  You may be better off financially and emotionally living separately for example.

You need expert legal advice in cases like this. Marriage is a legal contract. So it's not as simple as keep him in the doghouse like a bad boy for a while.

[AmandaCali]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You keep saying that he's a good man who make a mistake...but then there's this ^

Good men do not access the house of their estranged wife and attempt to rape them

I need to explain this. It wasn't "rape" or "attempted rape". Those are strong words! The house is "our" house. Legally he has every right to be there. So it wasn't as if I had my own place and he came over and crept in my home. I don't know how to explain without sounding too graphic, or distasteful. I was sleeping. Our daughter was being dropped off by him. That is why he was there. I wake up he was on top of me, kissing me, I'm sure testing to see if I would have sex. He hadn't ripped my shirt off, or my pants off. I awaken to him on top of me, kissing me. Of course I was shocked! I was not expecting anyone to be there. 

There wasn't any violence involved. Nothing insane! just inappropriate. I wake up gasped! and realized what the hell was happening. I said, "No, no...What are you doing?" he did immediately roll over. He realized it was stupid of him to do what he did, causing me to wake up to this happening. As far as I knew it could have been a rapist, who broke in! He did acknowledge this. 

I didn't mean to give the impression that he had my clothes off, or he forced me or anything.

[AmandaCali]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please only focus on this. You're right that the man you thought you knew as your husband is "dead".  He completely upended your life and sanity and reality.

Please don't go it alone. Of course in addition to the emotional support of a therapist, please consult an attorney at least for objective advice support and information regarding your options.

For example you can't bar him from the marital home.  You may be better off financially and emotionally living separately for example.

You need expert legal advice in cases like this. Marriage is a legal contract. So it's not as simple as keep him in the doghouse like a bad boy for a while.

I agree I need to seek an attorney. There is a lot of legal questions I need to have answered. I know some here will say it is planning to fail. I don't  think so. I like to be prepared. I read on a legal site that I cannot bar him from the marital home. I didn't know this prior! Also if we divorced. What will happen to our home? I certainly cannot make it on my own. Manhattan is expensive. I would have to move out of New York! It's crazy over here. That being stated. Where could I go. I also found out that if we divorced, I may have to live near him because we have a child. I could be barred from leaving the city or the state. Again, I can't afford to live a quality life on my income alone in New York. I would have to go back to the crazy hours and as a single Mom, that would be nearly impossible. So I need to seek what my options are. Even if hypothetically. 

 I keep saying my husband has been respectful of my needs and obeying my wishes. But, if I want to call it quits and he doesn't then,  it can get ugly. He is very attached to his daughter. So with her being at play, I am sure he would get really nasty with me if I were to attempt to take her away. SO YES! legal counsel is definitely in order.

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, AmandaCali said:

I didn't mean to give the impression that he had my clothes off, or he forced me or anything.

Had you not asked him to leave the home? I can’t remember what you’ve said, but I believe that you have barely spoken with the man in weeks. 

He did not respect the boundary that you had set. That says a lot - in much the same way that he crossed the boundary of what was appropriate and disrespected your marriage by sleeping with another woman. 

If you chose to minimize and dismiss, that is your decision. Whether he was violent or not, it would make no difference to me. He chose to disregard your boundary and that would destroy my trust as much as the affair he had with the beautiful woman he met at the grocery store…

Edited June 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

double post, my apology

Edited June 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, AmandaCali said:

, I can't afford to live a quality life on my income alone in New York. 

Yes. This is precisely why you need legal advice. It's not the voice of reason to avoid proper legal information. It's not a recipe for failure to be informed. Googling for general information is fine but you need to know your rights specifically. 

For example it's clear you're concerned about the cost of divorce but only an attorney can tell you what your specific situation and finances would entail rather than panicking that you'll be a broke single mother. As far as custody, that as well is a legal determination.

Edited June 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[AmandaCali]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Had you not asked him to leave the home? I can’t remember what you’ve said, but I believe that you have barely spoken with the man in weeks. 

He did not respect the boundary that you had set. That says a lot - in much the same way that he crossed the boundary of what was appropriate and disrespected your marriage by sleeping with another woman. 

If you chose to minimize and dismiss, that is your decision. Whether he was violent or not, it would make no difference to me. He chose to disregard your boundary and that would destroy my trust as much as the affair he had with the beautiful woman he met at the grocery store…

I'm not trying to minimize or dismiss. I agree he did not respect my boundaries. I certainly let him know this. I also took action. I had him leave the key, I told him to not just show up, I wanted a call first, also if he needed to come by to retrieve belongings or whatever to do so when I was not there. He respected those clearly set boundaries. Even though legally he could have dismissed them, because it is his home. Legally I can't keep him out. I can keep him from touching me, but if he wants to come and go, or even move back in, I have no right to say. 

Since this happened he has respected my boundaries and he does call when he is on his way to drop our daughter. What he did was totally stupid, on both counts. But it's done. Al that I can do is state my needs and expect him to respect me enough to abide. That's it. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, AmandaCali said:

I wake up he was on top of me, kissing me, I'm sure testing to see if I would have sex. He hadn't ripped my shirt off, or my pants off. I awaken to him on top of me, kissing me. Of course I was shocked! I was not expecting anyone to be there.

He may have every right to enter the house, but goal was to have sex with you and he got on top of you and was starting sexual activity without your consent.  Do you know the modern definition of consent?  "Enthusiastic participation"   You were asleep.  You didn't know he was in the house. He climbed on top of you and starting trying to get sex.  This crosses so many boundaries!!!

If a young man did this to your daughter, would you tell her it wasn't a big deal?

Edited June 30, 2023 by basil67

[AmandaCali]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. This is precisely why you need legal advice. It's not the voice of reason to avoid proper legal information. It's not a recipe for failure to be informed. Googling for general information is fine but you need to know your rights specifically. 

For example it's clear you're concerned about the cost of divorce but only an attorney can tell you what your specific situation and finances would entail rather than panicking that you'll be a broke single mother. As far as custody, that as well is a legal determination.

Agreed. I have access to a couple of good lawyers, I've taken note of issues I want to address. I'm not worried I'd be a broke single mother. I make a great income, I can't  complain.  I'm more into investing and saving, not having to pay astronomical prices that we New Yorkers pay. It's just not economical, if I were single I would want to return to living out of the states. Which I'm sure would not be an option. 

If everything goes south,  I would definitely Lawyer up well, and I would see to it the one who caused the divorce also cover the inconvenient court cost and all other legal  fees. I  think I have a good shot.  I will be visiting a Lawyer for a consultation. I'm very smart, I know how to protect my assets.I just hope I will not have to go that route. Hopefully, we can talk and try marriage counsel and slowly work through this. We will see after we have a very serious, very uncomfortable discussion. 

[AmandaCali]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He may have every right to enter the house, but goal was to have sex with you and he got on top of you and was starting sexual activity without your consent.  Do you know the modern definition of consent?  "Enthusiastic participation"   You were asleep.  You didn't know he was in the house. He climbed on top of you and starting trying to get sex.  This crosses so many boundaries!!!

If a young man did this to your daughter, would you tell her it wasn't a big deal?

What your saying is fair. If a young man did this to my daughter, that is completely different. If it were her husband, I would hope she addressed it the same way I did. There was never a shoulder shrug and anyone saying that it's no big deal. I think the measures I took was sufficient. For what happen. I would agree if he were removing my clothes, and I woke up to that. boundaries were crossed, no doubt. But it wasn't something I'm struggling with. 

I know it won't happen again until I do (or if) I agree to the modern definition of "consent". 

The saying the first time shame on you, the second time shame on me, is applicable here. I am sure he will not disrespect me in that manner again.