Asking a man to marry you

[mortensorchid]

I was talking with a female friend tonight, she and her husband have been married for 20 years now.  She asked me about my bf, we are about to celebrate our 1 year anniversary in another week or so.  She asked when we are getting married, I said I am in no rush and we have only been together for about a year.  I have known some people who moved in together after knowing each other for ONE WEEK, as well as two people who knew each other for SIX WEEKS and got married.  The first couple is no longer together (surprise), the second couple was very religious and didn't believe in sex before marriage and got married in order to have sex - I have no idea if they are still together or not.  My friend who I will call Anne told me that she asked her husband who I will call Bill to marry her.  I said "You did? I had no idea of this until you told me that."  She said "Yes, I did."  I just messaged her back asking "Out of curiosity how did you ask him?".  I am still waiting on this response.

How do people feel about this?  It's just against the grain isn't it? 

[Alpacalia]

I really don't concern myself with how my friends relationships evolve and compare it to my own. I'm not interested in what relationships should look like, but rather what works for me and my own interpersonal relationships.

[basil67]

I proposed to my partner.  I moved into his place after being together for four months or so.  Anyway, on the day of the proposal, we were laying in bed feeling very loved up and I said "hey, do you reckon we should get married?"  And he said 'yeah, ok"  As it turns out, we didn't bother to get married because we couldn't agree on the type of wedding to have 😁   That was nearly 30 years ago and we're still together

Broadly speaking, romance gives me the icks (No judgement on those who do enjoy it!) and this was part of why the whole wedding thing fell apart.  I would have been happy with a registry office but he wanted a big proper wedding.   I've also never bought into the whole gender stereotyping thing.  Women now have equality and so I can't see anything odd about a woman proposing or asking a man on a date or making a first move.  

And for what it's worth, I also know a handful of married couples who moved in and/or married after only weeks of knowing each other.  They are still together decades later.  When you know, you know.

[SlimShadysWife]

You mean she got on one knee, held out a ring and asked him to marry her?

I don't care what others do. I like the traditional way, guy getting on one knee and proposing unexpectedly.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It depends on the extent of the relationship and how relaxed and cool it is.  And the couple who are in it.  And how sure that person is who is asking.  I always thought couples just talk first about marriage and if they are planning something or Not----Down the road.  This was always the way with me and  all of my relationships.🥰

[mortensorchid]

12 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

You mean she got on one knee, held out a ring and asked him to marry her?

I don't care what others do. I like the traditional way, guy getting on one knee and proposing unexpectedly.

I got the answer of exactly how she did this.  I have no idea how long they had been together, I knew they met online back in the days of chat rooms.  One night, she said, they were having dinner and she asked him "Hey, want to get married?" and he said "ok".  They married not too long afterwards at a justice of the peace.  

I'm not thinking that life is all about the actual wedding itself be it the most extravagant to the simplest possible, or all the other things that go alongside of it, but I have always been under the impression that the man should be the one to ask the woman.  I knew a guy who TOLD the man they were getting married - they are now divorced.  Equality?  That's not a new concept by any means.  Queen Victoria asked Prince Albert to marry her and that was in the 1800s.  

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

but I have always been under the impression that the man should be the one to ask the woman.

Sure, if this is what you want for yourself.  But why should it be the case for those who don't care for such traditions?

When Queen Vic proposed, women did not have the vote.  Or the right to work.  Or the right to own property.  Or the right to take her children in the case of marriage breakdown.  Or the right to not be raped within marriage.  Equality is a far broader than who proposes

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

How do people feel about this?  It's just against the grain isn't it? 

In 2023 it’s definitely not against every grain. People should go after what they want, and if they’re with someone they want to marry, great idea to ask them to marry you. 

[mortensorchid]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sure, if this is what you want for yourself.  But why should it be the case for those who don't care for such traditions?

When Queen Vic proposed, women did not have the vote.  Or the right to work.  Or the right to own property.  Or the right to take her children in the case of marriage breakdown.  Or the right to not be raped within marriage.  Equality is a far broader than who proposes

That was a special situation as she had to ask him because as the monarch no one was allowed to ask her.  Therefore if she wanted to marry she had to ask him.  And they were happy for 21 years until his death which she mourned for the rest of her life.  But that's exceptional.

Edited June 16, 2023 by mortensorchid
Spelling

[glows]

I don’t think it matters. Who do you think asks in a same sex relationship? (Same sex marriages are legal where I am and for awhile now too, almost 2 decades) I live in a very liberal society thankfully where there’s just about every kind of expression in identity and gender or genderbending/ role reversals. People are free to be what and who they want. A woman asking a man to marry her is not much of an eyebrow raising event here nor would it cause a stir. I think some might find it cute and others lean more towards the traditional but hardly anyone would make a big deal out of it. 

This perhaps has more to do with where you live and how people around you view this. If a person were to feel marginalized or ostracized for doing something like this I’d think it’d make more people hesitate.

Edited June 16, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

That was a special situation as she had to ask him because as the monarch no one was allowed to ask her.  Therefore if she wanted to marry she had to ask him.  And they were happy for 21 years until his death which she mourned for the rest of her life.  But that's exceptional.

Indeed it was a special situation.   So what did you mean by the following?  "Equality?  That's not a new concept by any means.  Queen Victoria asked Prince Albert to marry her and that was in the 1800s."  

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

I proposed to my husband.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

[introverted1]

I think the word "proposed' might be what's throwing you off.  I suspect that women initiate the marriage conversation at least as often as men, possibly more.  Whether that's by saying (as some here have said they did) "Hey, want to get married" or by asking whether marriage is on the radar or having a discussion to ensure both parties are on the same page, etc., it's not unusual for the woman to initiate the conversation, if not to ask outright.

I suspect we've all been conditioned to think a "proposal" is a formal thing with careful/elaborate orchestration, guy down on a knee, a set of troubadours in the background, etc., and probably women aren't doing that.  But that doesn't mean they're not asking.

[SlimShadysWife]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I think the word "proposed' might be what's throwing you off.  I suspect that women initiate the marriage conversation at least as often as men, possibly more.  Whether that's by saying (as some here have said they did) "Hey, want to get married" or by asking whether marriage is on the radar or having a discussion to ensure both parties are on the same page, etc., it's not unusual for the woman to initiate the conversation, if not to ask outright.

I suspect we've all been conditioned to think a "proposal" is a formal thing with careful/elaborate orchestration, guy down on a knee, a set of troubadours in the background, etc., and probably women aren't doing that.  But that doesn't mean they're not asking.

Same. That's how I view a proposal to be. Not a discussion.

[mortensorchid]

Yes it's the initiation that I am thinking of.  The proposal is the actual asking the person and presenting with a ring and all.  Because that is, in my opinion, rather out there for a woman to do that.  I knew a gal who told her now ex husband they were getting married, she was extreme.  

Everyone has told me from multiple sources that it must be the man's decision to do this, but I am surprised by how many times the woman has asserted it like in the story I shared. 

[Alvino Martins]

I firmly believe that it's your absolute right to openly express your desire to marry a man. Now, I don't mean to come off as sexist or anything, but in my honest opinion, it's ultimately up to the guy to "pick" the girl he wants to marry. And let's be real, if he's not on the same wavelength as you, there's a chance you might face rejection. So, my advice would be, once you've made your intentions clear, made your move and not successful, it's probably wise to explore other options if marriage is truly important to you rather than waiting.

[mark clemson]

It's certainly not the tradition for the woman to ask directly. However, I DO think many (not all) women will start to drop serious hints about it once they've decided they're ready. If the guy really likes the woman and wants to stay together, he's likely putting the relationship at serious risk ignoring hints like this for too long.

Also every couple is different. In some the woman may not mind asking, in some the woman may not wish to marry at all, etc, etc.

[Els]

I understand that this isn't something you want in YOUR relationship, and that's a valid preference, but surely it's not a stretch to imagine that different people approach relationships and gender roles differently? Obviously it's just a matter of what works for the individual couple.

[Els]

3 hours ago, Alvino Martins said:

Now, I don't mean to come off as sexist or anything, but in my honest opinion, it's ultimately up to the guy to "pick" the girl he wants to marry.

Ummmm... no, lol. While it's true that men do traditionally "propose" more frequently, I guarantee you that the "picking" has always gone both ways, for all of recorded human history. In centuries past the woman's parents unfortunately "picked" on her behalf, and fortunately most women in this day and age get to "pick" on their own behalf, but it was never solely the man's choice, unless he was in a rare position of high power.

[Alpacalia]

Monica asked Chandler to marry her.♥️

 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Yes it's the initiation that I am thinking of.  The proposal is the actual asking the person and presenting with a ring and all.  Because that is, in my opinion, rather out there for a woman to do that.  I knew a gal who told her now ex husband they were getting married, she was extreme.  

Everyone has told me from multiple sources that it must be the man's decision to do this, but I am surprised by how many times the woman has asserted it like in the story I shared. 

So what about the marriages where he made the offer, but not in a formal sense and presenting a ring?   And what if he'd like her involved in choosing the ring style?    My father in his less than romantic way said to my mum "so, I reckon it's about time you started looking for rings"  And so she did and they were married

If we take the bolded as what a proposal should look like, then I assure you that loads of people get married without having a proposal first

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[MsJayne]

I value traditions and believe the breaking down of them is why Western culture is so ugly. Even with the new order of genders it's still far more common for the person who has the masculine role in a relationship to be the one to propose. It could be just a romantic notion that the male "chooses" a life partner, or there could actually be a biological basis for it as per the rest of the animal kingdom's mating and bonding rituals. That's a whole different topic, but for me there's something misogynistic and weak about a male who wants a committed life-partner but who believes it's the female's role to ask for wife status, or something just plain socially ******** about him if he isn't even aware of it. It's kind of like a male bird who expects to sit on a twig while the female does the mating dance for him even though she doesn't have the right tail feathers to do it. It just ain't right. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The reality is women often initiate the real marriage proposal, which are the conversations the couple has (at least sometimes) before the kneeling, the conversations that tell the guy that the woman will say yes when he kneels.

God, I remember my ex pressed for a specific timeline about when we would get married. The kneeling thing was just for show and to participate in a widely accepted ritual. 

 

 

[Alvino Martins]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Monica asked Chandler to marry her.♥️

 

It's definitely possible for a lady to propose, but let's be honest, it's not the reality for most couples. That scene from Friends where Monica proposes to Chandler was pretty epic, no doubt. What made it special was that it was something uncommon and Monica went the extra mile to surprise him. There ain't nothing wrong with it, but it's a bit of an unlikely scenario in real life. Nonetheless, it's always nice to see couples doing things their own way and creating their own unique moments.

Edited June 17, 2023 by Alvino Martins

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The reality is women often initiate the real marriage proposal, which are the conversations the couple has (at least sometimes) before the kneeling, the conversations that tell the guy that the woman will say yes when he kneels.

God, I remember my ex pressed for a specific timeline about when we would get married. The kneeling thing was just for show and to participate in a widely accepted ritual. 

Yeah, in so many cases, the woman plants the seed and the guy delivers.  I'm always amazed at the failed proposals where the woman rejects....I mean, how could he not know that she didn't want to marry him?