3-year relationship that's abusive?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're making up reasons. It's not your job to protect her. So what? She could be a U.S. Senator--so what? It's not your job to protect her. This is just outward reasoning to justify being abused and passive.

It's not your job to elevate women by staying in an abusive relationship. that preposterous. It's not a white person's job to elevate people of color by dating an abusive person of color. And there is a simple solution: get out. Leave. 

It's time to get some help ... There is some emptiness and missing respect for yourself and some serious confusion about the way the world works that is keeping you in this relationship. You can get love from someone not abusive. Abuse cancels out the love. 

Edited June 8, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Michael Heaton]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I dare you to tell your mother and family the details of this relationship. I dare you to tell two colleagues exactly what you've said here.

I guarantee all four people will be horrified. Mouth-open, baffled, confused, frustrated. They will want you to get out but they'd also wonder what delusion has prevented you from getting out yesterday. They'd wonder how it is that you are making excuses for her.

 

Another thing: every time I tried to discuss anything I mentioned here I get a "well you deserved it" or "you were being difficult" or some such. I never broke anything, never abandoned her or left her in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. Surely I'm terrible at picking the right moment for some discussions (like today) but at the same time, I've been loyal and mindful and yet somehow I always feel I'm cleaning up her own messes.

Once I cleaned and repainted an entire room after a particularly destructive episode when drinks ended up on the walls. Shards were everywhere. I have photos to prove it. I just felt like she grew out of that at some point.

[Michael Heaton]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're making up reasons. It's not your job to protect her. So what? She could be a U.S. Senator--so what? It's not your job to protect her. This is just outward reasoning to justify being abused and passive.

It's not your job to elevate women by staying in an abusive relationship. that preposterous. It's not a white person's job to elevate people of color by dating an abusive person of color. And there is a simple solution: get out. Leave. 

It's time to get some help ... There is some emptiness and missing respect for yourself and some serious confusion about the way the world works that is keeping you in this relationship. You can get love from someone not abusive. Abuse cancels out the love. 

That's harsh but direct. I respect that. It's made me think for sure...

[Michael Heaton]

To go back to what happened today: when I did manage to tell her what happened with the seller who was claiming I damaged his jewellery, she said "It's your fault bc you didn't return it fast enough." I stood my ground and said how could it possibly be my fault - I reported the item as not being as described and shipped it back as soon as I could considering I go to work and have other obligations - she said "it's your fault for taking too long to ship it" although it was well within the return period.

This was a very valuable piece of jewellery she originally said she liked, also.

I don't know how people might feel on LoveShack about this but a lot of time, money and effort went into this. Maybe I was looking for validation or at least a kind word along the lines of "thanks for making an effort for trying to make me feel special."

In the end, I felt dumb and useless for even trying and it's clear that my feelings were hurt in the process. Something I could handle on my own, but blaming me for the seller's reaction is what made me post here.

[glows]

Why did you tell her what happened with the seller? If you wanted to return the gift just do it and don’t make a big deal about it. Instead complaining about the seller makes the other person(your partner) feel bad also. It’s just a giant gripe fest and both of you frustrated with each other and the situation. 

In future get her a gift you know she likes and that’s it. If she changes her mind she can buy what she wants herself. You’re part of this problem. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

One, she has an issue with her bank that means she can only give me cash. This is legit and it's been going on for months and she's working on sorting it out.

Sorry, this is BS on her part and you're believing it.  If the bank didn't sort it out in 5 days, she should have changed banks or opened a new bank account

6 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

But yes, whenever we talk rent I make sure that it's the friendliest conversation ever bc I fear she might get too upset and I don't need the money talk to turn toxic.

Dude!!!   She knows she needs to pay rent.  If she doesn't offer it up, then ask for it.  If she doesn't like it, tough luck to her.  If she throws stuff, then dump her

6 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

The second fear I have is that although I was the one paying the rent and in charge of funding our life together for say 80% of the past two years (no exaggeration) I might lose my job (my company is going through a rough period) and I might end up relying on her, although I'm one of their most valuable employees. But if I'm being honest, I've been broke and poor before and one of my big fears is being forced to go back to that.

This is irrelevant.  You have a gainfully employed partner and you should expect nothing less than for her to be on time with her rent and to pay 50% of expenses, with each of you supporting the other through periods of brief unemployment (gone are the days of having jobs for life!). 

 

[JTSW]

Oh boy, here goes....

OP, the first thing you need to know is that you haven't DONE anything wrong.

You are not DOING anything wrong.

She is highly abusive, her attitude and behaviour is disgusting.

You are emotionally weak and she knows this. She plays on it and makes you believe you are the one in the wrong.

You're NOT. She is!

She is breaking you down bit by bit.

You really need to realise that this is not how a relationship is suppose to be.

You shouldn't have to feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

Someone who loves you would NEVER tell you to kill yourself or wish you didn't exist. 

Please get away from her and take a break from relationships for a while.

Take some time to yourself, attend therapy and gain some emotional stability and strength.

I can assure you that you will feel allot happier out of this abusive situation.

Please listen to everyone here who tells you to leave her. I know you care about her but trust me, she doesn't care about you.

 

 

Edited June 8, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

 I might lose my job and I might end up relying on her, I've been broke and poor before and one of my big fears is being forced to go back to that.

Unfortunately this is a huge part of the problem. I did mention if the reason you where staying had anything to do with financial dependency because otherwise your account of why you stay wasn't adding up.

Please contact a domestic violence agency. Yes they may be more geared toward helping women in your situation, but domestic violence against men exists.

They will listen to your concerns and situation. You need to be frank about the physical and mental abuse and fear of financial dependency. 

Perhaps they can connect you to resources for safe shelter, financial assistance and give you other advice as far as local practical help.

If you allow things to continue on this trajectory, the police may get involved, you may be physically injured and you may end up on the streets. Please enlist the help you need.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

There’s no AA where we live sadly. She is aware of not being able to control her drinking at times.

There are online communities for support and information as well as domestic violence agencies for support and information. Please inform yourself of the impact  problem drinkers who are violent has on you.

The sooner you seek out professional and volunteer organizational support, the better you'll be able to manage and make the best choices for yourself.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

she knows things about my sexuality that if revealed might cause me some damage, professionally and otherwise. The issue is, I don't want my parents who are quite old and set in their ways to know and I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to explain myself at this age....

It's nothing too scandalous or to be ashamed of and frankly on a good day I feel like I could handle the heat from most people. I just don't think it would be fair to have my parents deal with that and I think she'd out me to them to spite me if we were to break up.

Listen to yourself.  You are in a relationship with someone who you are living in fear that she would "out" you or blackmail you out of spite if you broke up.  This needs to stop.  I'm sure anyone who cares about you would be nothing short of horrified to know that you are in an abusive relationship with this horrible person.  They would want you to get out.  Even if they were a little shocked by whatever this sexual revelation is, they would get over it.  This is not a valid reason to avoid getting out of an abusive relationship.  This is nothing less than a twisted rationalization to stay in a toxic situation.  

[Els]

19 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

(on a good day, she the most kind and loving partner you'll ever meet)

This is textbook behaviour for abusive partners. Most abusers aren't actually abusive ALL the time, because if they did that they would quickly find themselves without a victim. So they are nice the rest of the time to reel you in, and then unleash their abuse periodically.

I think you already know what you need to do. The question is, when are you going to do it?

[Els]

16 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

One last thing: some might be wondering why I haven't talked about this to either a friend, a family member or authorities. Her profession is such that any inkling of abuse would mean that she would be instantly shamed and this type of info would most definitely be used against her.

For the life of me, I can't do that to her, directly or otherwise. She's worked so hard to be who she is and where she's at that any complaints from my side would feel like a betrayal of my own principles.

My whole life I've tried to elevate women professionally to the best of my ability and I couldn't bear the fact that I contributed to any type of damage to her career or her good name in any way imaginable, hence me opening up anon on this board tonight.
 

Huh? If anything happens to her career, she did this to herself. You didn't do anything except seek support for her abusive behaviour. It would be one thing if you were lying, but you are not.

17 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

Since I'm on a roll, there's another factor: she knows things about my sexuality that if revealed might cause me some damage, professionally and otherwise. The issue is, I don't want my parents who are quite old and set in their ways to know and I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to explain myself at this age. They're open-minded but they might find it weird and I'm sure at least one of them wouldn't understand it completely.

It's nothing too scandalous or to be ashamed of and frankly on a good day I feel like I could handle the heat from most people. I just don't think it would be fair to have my parents deal with that and I think she'd out me to them to spite me if we were to break up.

She's been aware of this and has participated in it willingly but once she made a nasty comment about outing me to "ruin" me and ever since I've been worried that I'd have to deal with additional heartbreak on top of everything.

In retrospect I probably could have enjoyed it earlier in life as most if not all of my past partners would have been cool with it but that's how the cookie crumbled for me. At the same time she doesn't participate in it anymore at all and she mentions it either to belittle me or to make me feel bad, which I guess is another form of control over me, all things considered.

Unless your "sexuality" involves something illegal like pedophilia (in which case this whole situation is above our paygrade), this is an empty threat and shouldn't really be a concern.

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, Michael Heaton said:

One last thing: some might be wondering why I haven't talked about this to either a friend, a family member or authorities. Her profession is such that any inkling of abuse would mean that she would be instantly shamed and this type of info would most definitely be used against her.

For the life of me, I can't do that to her, directly or otherwise. She's worked so hard to be who she is and where she's at that any complaints from my side would feel like a betrayal of my own principles.

My whole life I've tried to elevate women professionally to the best of my ability and I couldn't bear the fact that I contributed to any type of damage to her career or her good name in any way imaginable, hence me opening up anon on this board tonight.
 

IT IS NOT YOUR JOB to "elevate" her professionally or shield her from any consequences of her actions.  This is another twisted rationalization that you've made.  You are so deep in your dysfunction that you can't seem to see this situation rationally and can't seem to make emotionally healthy decisions for your own life and safety.

Who cares what consequences may befall her as a result of her abusive and horrible behavior?  It is NOT your job to shield her from the consequences of her actions.  It sounds like you need intense professional help to wade through all this and even facilitate your getting out of this situation, because your self-esteem seems to be too low to handle it on your own.  Seek professional help so you can move towards a more healthy place.