3-year relationship that's abusive?

[Michael Heaton]

I need help.

M38 here. I've been in a relationship with a woman somewhat younger (30) for three years now. I'll spare you of the details, but it's been a bumpy ride: we had our share of fights and I discovered over the years that she has a destructive streak. Some of the things she's done or said were aggressive in my view (calling me names, ignoring me when we're in the same room and I ask to talk and clear the air, etc.). On a few occasions, she was aggressive or destructive (broke glasses or other household items or tried to hit me).

I neglected all of this bc she always had a way of explaining her actions: you were difficult to talk to, you weren't listening, I needed you to go away for a bit and similar.

I focused more on work but that came at a cost: I haven't been on holiday for some two years and all I've been doing during that period was help her. With work, with a sick family member, etc. I'm only mentioning this for context. I was glad I could help and I never rubbed it in.

Today though was what really got me thinking, maybe it's not my fault and maybe I don't deserve to be treated like this.

Her birthday is tomorrow, and I ordered a vintage piece of jewellery for her. However, she didn't like it when it arrived and I shipped it back to the seller. The seller tried to short-change me saying there was some damage to the item (not possible bc she tried it once). On top of that, I've been down with something all week, and I haven't felt my best at all. Add to that the fact that I got up after work and drove to the other end of the city where we live to buy her another gift she wanted (not cheap, either).

When I got home, she went on a two-hour Skype call (work-related, but realistically something she could have done in 30' max). This was at 11 pm.

Then I asked her to sit with me and chat for a bit bc we didn't have the time to catch up, and she kept shooting me down all day, including the fact that I've been feeling sick as a dog.

Frankly, I felt really hurt. Not only did I make a valiant effort, but she couldn't make a 15-minute effort to talk. She had no idea about the argument with the seller and also couldn't remember an earlier attempt at communicating something else (unrelated).

I told her very calmly how I felt but she lost it. She first started screaming for me to leave, then she said I was unattractive, boring and that she wanted to look for people who'd make her feel better.

I didn't want to mess up her birthday that she's been mopey about for a while now. If anything, I tried to make her feel better all these days. Instead, I got yelled at and told to leave and the she said things like "right now I don't want you to exist" and "you should go kill yourself." 

This is why I think I need help. I need solid advice on what to do next. I can't take this kind of toxicity anymore. But I'm still concerned that the problem is me and that maybe I still did something wrong.

I clearly love her and don't want to lose her.

I don't know. Help, please.

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Michael Heaton said:

She first started screaming for me to leave, then she said I was unattractive, boring and that she wanted to look for people who'd make her feel better.

Why exactly do you love someone who treats you this way?  Serious question

All in all, her behaviour is on her.  Yes, you may have disappointed her by not being available for nice times together or for not buying nice enough jewellery (entitled much?!) , but her reactions to frustration is 100% her responsibility.  You are not making her abuse you.  She is CHOOSING to abuse you.

I strongly suggest you get yourself into therapy and work out why you pack up and leave a long time ago.  

 

Edited June 7, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Michael Heaton said:

 I got yelled at and told to leave. can't take this kind of toxicity anymore. I clearly love her and don't want to lose her

Sorry this is happening. Reflect on this statement. Does it make sense to you?

Do you live together if so, how long? Is it your place, her place or do you co-own or co-lease?

How long has she been this way? Why have you stayed this long? Sexual chemistry? Are either of you financially dependent on the other? Do either of you have children?

How is the relationship in general?Does she have psychiatric or substance abuse issues? 

 Although you seem a bit controlling you're in an abusive relationship and that is her issue. Please read up on that.

Don't be ashamed to talk to trusted friends and family and most of all a healthcare professional.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Michael Heaton]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why exactly do you love someone who treats you this way?  Serious question

All in all, her behaviour is on her.  Yes, you may have disappointed her by not being available for nice times together or for not buying nice enough jewellery (entitled much?!) , but her reactions to frustration is 100% her responsibility.  You are not making her abuse you.  She is CHOOSING to abuse you.

I strongly suggest you get yourself into therapy and work out why you pack up and leave a long time ago.  

 

I guess my brain keeps telling me there are good qualities to her as a partner (on a good day, she the most kind and loving partner you'll ever meet). 

I am also aware that when it's bad, she really treats me like dirt. One of my parents was similar and I had another destructive LTR before her. So now whenever we get into a fight, my current partner tells me things like oh so you'll go around telling people it's not your fault and you're the victim (I never spoke badly of my ex btw, to anyone) and she makes me feel like I'm the problem.

I tried talking to her again very calmly, since I felt bad we had a fight on her bday and she said how I made it about me (difficult not to try to explain yourself when she opened with "you're insane and irrational") and how it only reminded her of why she was mad at me to begin with... All while screaming so the neighbors can hear.

It's very frustrating and I told her that I felt hurt by the fact that for weeks now I've been trying to make her feel better about her own bday and that this is the umpteenth time where she blew up when I tried to express my own feelings. Again, maybe I messed up the timing. That's on me. I just couldn't keep it bottled in and the reason for that is the kind of disregard on her end that made me feel virtually invisible.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Michael Heaton said:

... All while screaming so the neighbors can hear.

Have the police been to your place? Sooner or later they may show up.  Be careful, sometimes whoever has the better story and crocodile tears is the one who stays while the other gets dragged off in cuffs. You're in a dangerous situation. 

[Michael Heaton]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Reflect on this statement. Does it make sense to you?

Do you live together if so, how long? Is it your place, her place or do you co-own or co-lease?

How long has she been this way? Why have you stayed this long? Sexual chemistry? Are either of you financially dependent on the other? Do either of you have children?

How is the relationship in general?Does she have psychiatric or substance abuse issues? 

 Although you seem a bit controlling you're in an abusive relationship and that is her issue. Please read up on that.

Don't be ashamed to talk to trusted friends and family and most of all a healthcare professional.

We've been living together for 2 years and we rent. She's not usually good with paying her end but again, I don't mention it or try to rub it in. She's been better lately with paying some of the bills but usually I have to very kindly and carefully tell her I need her half of the rent. I make less than her now but that wasn't the case before. Financially I'm the best I've ever been and I don't mind much if she misses on sharing the rent. Sometimes I'd like her to remember it first though, but she rarely does. No children on either side.

We stayed together this long bc of chemistry but also bc she's one of the few people who get me. I have a very complicated background with some PTSD involved and she's the same. I tried dating outside of that but couldn't fully connect in the past. She also has depression and anxiety and drinks a little too much for it to be healthy.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Michael Heaton
Spelling

[Michael Heaton]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have the police been to your place? Sooner or later they may show up.  Be careful, sometimes whoever has the better story and crocodile tears is the one who stays while the other gets dragged off in cuffs. You're in a dangerous situation. 

This worries me a lot. One time she got terribly drunk and started a fight out of nowhere and I was forced to calm her down and get her to go home bc she was unwilling to stop in the middle of our neighborhood. I honestly thought the police would show up and I didn't want to go through the motions of explaining what happened (we were out with friends until late and on our way home after that and the convo was jovial until she just snapped). I literally can't remember what triggered her. We weren't talking about anything in particular.

This is why I always choose to deescalate and go to the living room whenever she blows up and starts yelling. I'm not sure if she's aware. Possibly.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Michael Heaton
Typos

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Michael Heaton said:

We stayed together this long bc of chemistry She also has depression and anxiety and drinks a little too much for it to he healthy.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell her. Privately and confidentiality and frankly discuss what is happening.  You seem to have insight about how toxic and dangerous this situation is.

Please see if this can provide some information and support:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Edited June 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Michael Heaton]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell her. Privately and confidentiality and frankly discuss what is happening. 

She’s bound to know as we share everything. Alternatively I could tell her I'm getting a checkup on something unrelated but I feel bad lying to her.

Also, if I tell her I'm seeing a therapist I'm worried she'll use it against me.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Michael Heaton

[Michael Heaton]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see if this can provide some information and support:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

There’s no AA where we live sadly. She is aware of not being able to control her drinking at times and we did have constructive conversations around that. Although it factors in, it's not the main issue. 

Edited June 7, 2023 by Michael Heaton

[Michael Heaton]

She's gone to bed by now and frankly I don't even know what to do. Do I go to bed with her or so I sleep on the couch. If so, why. I have to work in the morning and I don't need any of this.

I very often find myself saying "I don't want to argue" in fights like these. I don't. Yet her side of things is that it's my fault and my fault alone and although she sometimes takes responsibility for the arguments she always has an explanation for her behavior. And it's usually about me either pushing her or not giving her the space she needs. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[ShyViolet]

How is it not glaringly obvious what needs to be done?  You need to get out of this relationship.  She is abusive.  When a relationship is this terrible, you end it.  When a relationship is toxic and abusive, you end it.  It's very concerning and dysfunctional that you are saying "I don't want to lose her" when this woman is abusive to you.  You clearly have some very deep dysfunctional tendencies, that you've stayed in this situation for as long as you have.  Put an end to this and then get into some serious therapy.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Michael Heaton said:

 we share everything. Alternatively I could tell her I'm getting a checkup on something unrelated but I feel bad lying to her., if I tell her I'm seeing a therapist I'm worried she'll use it against me.

Please don't "share" it. I specifically suggested not telling her. It's not a good idea in abusive relationships. 

Yes go to a physician and a qualified therapist. Tell her you're getting a checkup. That's not a "lie". Please stop over sharing. .

She doesn't "get you", she throws vases at you, is a volatile problem drinker and this won't end well unless you get outside help. Why wait for the neighbors to call the police? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude you are in an abusive relationship. Period. 

[Michael Heaton]

36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How is it not glaringly obvious what needs to be done?  You need to get out of this relationship.  She is abusive.  When a relationship is this terrible, you end it.  When a relationship is toxic and abusive, you end it.  It's very concerning and dysfunctional that you are saying "I don't want to lose her" when this woman is abusive to you.  You clearly have some very deep dysfunctional tendencies, that you've stayed in this situation for as long as you have.  Put an end to this and then get into some serious therapy.

It's not and you might be right, I am aware I need professional help. It's hard giving up on the one person who gets you, though. The only other time I felt remotely this understood was in that other relationship I mentioned earlier. It was also unhealthy at times, perhaps in different ways (she wasn't physically aggressive at all, for example).

I don't know. Most of the time I hope she might change and she's now handling things much better than she did in the past. Then episodes like tonight's happen and I don't know if she's regressed or never changed to begin with.

I simply feel guilty all the time. Like it's my fault I can't make her feel better or when she rationalizes her behavior.

One more recent episode: we went out with her cousin and her bf a few months ago. What started out as a fantastic night out ended up with me walking away from an argument she started at 2 in the morning after calling us an Uber home. Admittedly I had a few and it wasn't the most adult thing to do but she was very drunk and verbally abusive. I walked back to where the Uber was supposed to pick us up and she and her cousin (who was visiting and staying at our place) were gone.

I ended up getting another Uber and getting home and just sleeping it off. She's been super apologetic since and regretted leaving me in the middle of nowhere but when people like her cousin turn a blind eye and shrug their shoulders to a really disrespectful and frankly dangerous situation (we weren't in a bad neighborhood per se but god knows what could have happened to me all alone and tipsy in the middle of the night) you end up feeling like you're the one to blame regardless of how bad her words were.

Fyi I didn't use to drink at all with some social drinking here and there before meeting her. I care about my career and my profession above all, I'm very goal-oriented and I wouldn't jeopardize pulling myself by my bootstraps for nothing having had known what it's like to lose everything, at an early age.

Now I often feel the situation at home might burn me, whether or not I am to blame.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Michael Heaton

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, Michael Heaton said:

We've been living together for 2 years and we rent. She's not usually good with paying her end but again, I don't mention it or try to rub it in. She's been better lately with paying some of the bills but usually I have to very kindly and carefully tell her I need her half of the rent. I make less than her now but that wasn't the case before. Financially I'm the best I've ever been and I don't mind much if she misses on sharing the rent. Sometimes I'd like her to remember it first though, but she rarely does. No children on either side.

I'm guessing that you're frightened to demand she pays her way.  Fear of another explosion?   She shouldn't need reminding at all - all she needs to do is set up an automatic transfer from her bank account to whatever account the bills get paid from.  

I'm glad to hear there are no children.  I hope the two of you are using double contraception so that you don't bring a baby into this mess!

[glows]

I’m very confused why you’re helping her feel better. She’s got a crapitude - real crappy attitude. 

I agree with the comments her being abusive and totally off. Whatever she is going through is not your problem. Stop making it your problem. She’s needs professional help.

[Michael Heaton]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

 

I'm guessing that you're frightened to demand she pays her way.  Fear of another explosion?   She shouldn't need reminding at all - all she needs to do is set up an automatic transfer from her bank account to whatever account the bills get paid from.  

I'm glad to hear there are no children.  I hope the two of you are using double contraception so that you don't bring a baby into this mess!

One, she has an issue with her bank that means she can only give me cash. This is legit and it's been going on for months and she's working on sorting it out. But yes, whenever we talk rent I make sure that it's the friendliest conversation ever bc I fear she might get too upset and I don't need the money talk to turn toxic.

The second fear I have is that although I was the one paying the rent and in charge of funding our life together for say 80% of the past two years (no exaggeration) I might lose my job (my company is going through a rough period) and I might end up relying on her, although I'm one of their most valuable employees. But if I'm being honest, I've been broke and poor before and one of my big fears is being forced to go back to that.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

This is very toxic.  For three long Years, This has been going on and it appears to just get bumpier with no good NON BUMP in the relationship road.  I have to be honest.  Either take her(I can see what you mean how destructive she is)to a therapist who can try to work out the Bumps and Lumps, Or make a game plan top leave her.  I am not seeing anything good come out of it.  Very unhealthy.  Sure, I can imagine you are 😪not perfect but her?  She is mentally unstable.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Michael Heaton said:

I simply feel guilty all the time. Like it's my fault I can't make her feel better or when she rationalizes her behavior.

Yeah, you will have to figure out a way to cut that out. Just decide whether to end it because complaining and feeling bad but doing nothing is a vicious cycle. 

The push and pull dynamic is too unstable to be sustainable long term. 

[Michael Heaton]

1 minute ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

This is very toxic.  For three long Years, This has been going on and it appears to just get bumpier with no good NON BUMP in the relationship road.  I have to be honest.  Either take her(I can se what you mean how destructive she is)to a therapist who can try to work out the bumps and Lumps, Or make a game plan top leave her.  I am not seeing anything good come out of it.  Very unhealthy.  Sure, I can imagine you are 😪not perfect but her?  She is mentally unstable.

I am indeed not perfect. I have PTSD, for one. I did go to therapy in the past and I try to keep it in check. I know my triggers and I know how to either stay away from them or when I get worked up, how to recognize it and manage it.

On the other hand, I think I bring a lot to the table: I'm really good at what I do (one of the best in the industry for my age, as immodest as that might sound), I'm principled, a good listener, supportive and extremely open-minded and understanding. 

She is aware she needs therapy and wants to do it according to her but she hasn't found an adequate therapist yet. Sometimes she's more active in her search but most of the time she's not looking although she has verbally acknowledged she needs help a number of times.

[Michael Heaton]

Since I'm on a roll, there's another factor: she knows things about my sexuality that if revealed might cause me some damage, professionally and otherwise. The issue is, I don't want my parents who are quite old and set in their ways to know and I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to explain myself at this age. They're open-minded but they might find it weird and I'm sure at least one of them wouldn't understand it completely.

It's nothing too scandalous or to be ashamed of and frankly on a good day I feel like I could handle the heat from most people. I just don't think it would be fair to have my parents deal with that and I think she'd out me to them to spite me if we were to break up.

She's been aware of this and has participated in it willingly but once she made a nasty comment about outing me to "ruin" me and ever since I've been worried that I'd have to deal with additional heartbreak on top of everything.

In retrospect I probably could have enjoyed it earlier in life as most if not all of my past partners would have been cool with it but that's how the cookie crumbled for me. At the same time she doesn't participate in it anymore at all and she mentions it either to belittle me or to make me feel bad, which I guess is another form of control over me, all things considered.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Michael Heaton

[Lotsgoingon]

I dare you to tell your mother and family the details of this relationship. I dare you to tell two colleagues exactly what you've said here.

I guarantee all four people will be horrified. Mouth-open, baffled, confused, frustrated. They will want you to get out but they'd also wonder what delusion has prevented you from getting out yesterday. They'd wonder how it is that you are making excuses for her.

 

[Michael Heaton]

One last thing: some might be wondering why I haven't talked about this to either a friend, a family member or authorities. Her profession is such that any inkling of abuse would mean that she would be instantly shamed and this type of info would most definitely be used against her.

For the life of me, I can't do that to her, directly or otherwise. She's worked so hard to be who she is and where she's at that any complaints from my side would feel like a betrayal of my own principles.

My whole life I've tried to elevate women professionally to the best of my ability and I couldn't bear the fact that I contributed to any type of damage to her career or her good name in any way imaginable, hence me opening up anon on this board tonight.
 

[Michael Heaton]

Just now, Lotsgoingon said:

I dare you to tell your mother and family the details of this relationship. I dare you to tell two colleagues exactly what you've said here.

I guarantee all four people will be horrified. Mouth-open, baffled, confused, frustrated. They will want you to get out but they'd also wonder what delusion has prevented you from getting out yesterday. They'd wonder how it is that you are making excuses for her.

 

I coincidentally just replied to that... Although you make a fair point as well.