Author ellygelly Posted January 9, 2023 Author Share Posted January 9, 2023 2 minutes ago, glows said: OP, the fact that you want to turn this around and I’m assuming hoping he wants to be in a relationship with you is proof enough that you’re not happy with the way things are. I doubt remaining friends is healthy at all. I’d take this as him not being interested enough and canning this. It didn’t work out but it’s not to say that other romances won’t either. My view is not to keep hoping something will change or expect more than what you’re exactly getting in any situation. Makes sense! I don’t like that he just ruled it out completely. Sometimes I question whether he ever wanted anything serious because we started dating while I was separated. He’s been divorced once years ago so I expected him to understand that I wasn’t in the best space and not eliminate the possibility of exploring more. But, it is what it is I guess Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 4 minutes ago, ellygelly said: Sometimes I question whether he ever wanted anything serious because we started dating while I was separated. No he didn't want anything serious but just a sexual relationship. He didn't care if you were married or separated he just wants sex. He's not invested in anything but getting his needs met. He had no interest in exploring more with you. It's best to speak up and tell these guys what you want and are looking for before getting into sex. Unless of course, you are only looking for casual sex and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 9, 2023 Author Share Posted January 9, 2023 Just now, stillafool said: No he didn't want anything serious but just a sexual relationship. He didn't care if you were married or separated he just wants sex. He's not invested in anything but getting his needs met. He had no interest in exploring more with you. It's best to speak up and tell these guys what you want and are looking for before getting into sex. Unless of course, you are only looking for casual sex and nothing more. I wasn’t interested in anything else, but I became interested over time as we spent more time together. Sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 18 minutes ago, ellygelly said: Makes sense! I don’t like that he just ruled it out completely. Sometimes I question whether he ever wanted anything serious because we started dating while I was separated. He’s been divorced once years ago so I expected him to understand that I wasn’t in the best space and not eliminate the possibility of exploring more. But, it is what it is I guess We don’t know what he wanted back then. We do know that he isn’t interested in dating you in the kind or relationship you’re seeking now. Focus on here and now. The reality is he’s committing nothing, showing very low interest and appears interested in your body the most. He may have a host of personal problems and hang ups but only focus on what he’s present for. He’s not interested in a relationship and that’s what you want or can’t look past? Then end it and free yourself. It’s important that you know what you want and don’t limit yourself in go nowhere relationships. Are you going to be divorced in Oct? Or was it last Oct? How do you know the month you’ll be divorced if it hasn’t happened yet? Due to court delays I didn’t know when the judge would actually stamp and grant my divorce. Maybe it’s different where you are. Regardless I wouldn’t linger and keep myself open for a guy who’s just in it for sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 9, 2023 Author Share Posted January 9, 2023 2 minutes ago, glows said: We don’t know what he wanted back then. We do know that he isn’t interested in dating you in the kind or relationship you’re seeking now. Focus on here and now. The reality is he’s committing nothing, showing very low interest and appears interested in your body the most. He may have a host of personal problems and hang ups but only focus on what he’s present for. He’s not interested in a relationship and that’s what you want or can’t look past? Then end it and free yourself. It’s important that you know what you want and don’t limit yourself in go nowhere relationships. Are you going to be divorced in Oct? Or was it last Oct? How do you know the month you’ll be divorced if it hasn’t happened yet? Due to court delays I didn’t know when the judge would actually stamp and grant my divorce. Maybe it’s different where you are. Regardless I wouldn’t linger and keep myself open for a guy who’s just in it for sex. He has mentioned that he struggles with depression and current life stressors have exacerbated the issue. The shift in interest threw me off but in retrospect he’d pull back but then warm up and then pull away again. It was almost as if he was afraid we were too close but who can say for certain. Very hot/cold. I tjkogjt je was like that because I wasn’t officially divorced. He seemed relieved and somewhat happy when I finally divorced. I like the idea of focusing on the present. The past is done. I will practice that. It’s frustrating because I was not my best self (low self esteem, distracted, angry, in emotional pain) and I wasn’t intentional when we first started dating. I was just doing whatever because I was in a fog. Totally stressed out after my husband left. The unexpected transition to single motherhood was jarring emotionally, physically, and financially. I feel like he didn’t get to meet the the person I am becoming as I begin to heal. This person is soooo much better. That is what sucks the most. I was separated in May 2022 and divorced in October 2022. It didn’t take long for us to divorce because it was uncontested. Feels like I totally botched this Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 (edited) I understand better but he has issues as you pointed out, mental health issues exclusive to any romance you shared. Yes, it is jarring. Most divorces are. The first time I had sex after separating I felt nothing. It’s not unusual to take time adjusting. Do focus on the present. It’s not your fault he’s not interested in dating you now. Remember that unavailable people choose other unavailable individuals. You were a good choice at the time and vice versa. Either way don’t read into what he wants anymore. Take his word for it and look at his actions. If he’s not present or available as a boyfriend he is not your boyfriend. Edited January 9, 2023 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 9, 2023 Author Share Posted January 9, 2023 8 minutes ago, glows said: I understand better but he has issues as you pointed out, mental health issues exclusive to any romance you shared. Yes, it is jarring. Most divorces are. The first time I had sex after separating I felt nothing. It’s not unusual to take time adjusting. Do focus on the present. It’s not your fault he’s not interested in dating you now. Remember that unavailable people choose other unavailable individuals. You were a good choice at the time and vice versa. Either way don’t read into what he wants anymore. Take his word for it and look at his actions. If he’s not present or available as a boyfriend he is not your boyfriend. Thank you. It’s so easy to overanalyze and read into things. I need to take a step and work with what’s in front of me or walk away. Thank you so much for your help and advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 3 hours ago, ellygelly said: He has mentioned that he struggles with depression and current life stressors have exacerbated the issue. The shift in interest threw me off but in retrospect he’d pull back but then warm up and then pull away again. It was almost as if he was afraid we were too close but who can say for certain. Very hot/cold. I tjkogjt je was like that because I wasn’t officially divorced. It's best to focus on exactly what words he used to tell you he didn't want to go further. It has nothing to do with depression or your divorce not being official. When someone is hot/cold with you that is a sign of low interest. Why would he push you away if he wanted to be close to you and you to him? He wouldn't, that doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 12 hours ago, ellygelly said: . Sometimes I question whether he ever wanted anything serious because we started dating while I was separated. Yes, that's a very possible theory. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. All you can do now is play it by ear and see if you just want situationships for a while or if you feel more grounded and ready to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Yes, that's a very possible theory. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. All you can do now is play it by ear and see if you just want situationships for a while or if you feel more grounded and ready to date. You’re right. I need to be more clear with myself about what I want and go from there. It’s frustrating that we built this physically and emotionally intimate space all for him to say he doesn’t want anything but then he continue to invest time and energy with me. What a waste. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 2 hours ago, ellygelly said: t’s frustrating that we built this physically and emotionally intimate space all for him to say he doesn’t want anything but then he continue to invest time and energy with me. What a waste. Not for nothing, he's getting sex and so are you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 You both want different things or some things are a higher priority than others for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Not for nothing, he's getting sex and so are you. LOL great point! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellygelly Posted January 10, 2023 Author Share Posted January 10, 2023 59 minutes ago, glows said: You both want different things or some things are a higher priority than others for you. That’s what it seems. Given all of my relationship trauma, I think I need to take a step back and think about what I want. I’m fairly certain I pushed him away by being clingy because of my own insecurities. Once, he told me “you’re not ready.” I laughed it off but there’s probably some truth there. I haven’t dated in over 12 years so this has been quite the learning experience Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Just don’t see him anymore. Any guy who is truly into making you his top priority doesn’t act as wishy washy as this guy does. he’s a time waster at this point. Next… date available men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 On 1/9/2023 at 7:07 PM, ellygelly said: One more thing…do you think that his difficulty with managing his feelings toward me is part of the reason he pulled back? No. I think he realized he doesn't have those feelings for you, so he pulled back so that you wouldn't get the wrong idea. He's happy to have sex if you are offering, but he doesn't see himself dating you. It sucks but it's really that simple. I would take a lot of distance from him or you are going to get hurt when he starts dating someone who isn't you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts