Hot cold dating

[ellygelly]

Hi!

My ex-husband of almost 7 years and I separated in May 2022. He moved on quickly and began openly dating a couple of weeks later.  During the separation period, I connected with someone who had a crush on me. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just a distraction. We live in a small town and he heard that I wanted to reconcile with my ex so he was hesitant to date me seriously. We ended up on a couple of dates and we slept together. The chemistry was intense. We just naturally clicked. He would occasionally bring up that I’m still married. It was annoying but true. Still keeping things light but spending a lot of time together. I’m officially divorced in October. I never told him that I was officially divorced because I didn’t think it mattered. He knew the divorce was upcoming. I eventually told him because it came up in conversation. More time together but he eventually pulled back and said that he wanted to be friends and it isn’t going to work out. Even though he likes and is interested me but it’s hard to be around me and not want to have sex and he doesn’t want to waste my time. We ended up still hanging out bc, being freshly divorced and still trying to heal, I didn’t want to get into anything serious and self-sabotage so it’s not that serious. He said he didn’t want to develop feelings because he’s focused on rebuilding his career. Fair. Since saying that, we’ve hung out as friends and we’ve had some very emotionally and physically intimate moments. He seems to have pulled back even more but seems to still want to be friends. The problem is that I started wanting to take the relationship seriously and I told him that. I told him that I “caught feelings” but I soon realized I only meant I cared….not that I had these intense emotions. After divorcing, I wasn’t healed or prepared to even begin developing feelings so for me to actually care felt like a big jump. I realize didn’t need to share that but I wanted to be honest. We still interact via text and social media pretty regularly. Our time hanging out has decreased to like once every couple of weeks. I’m now find myself warming up to the idea of wanting to date intentionally. I don’t understand the mixed messages. Am I placeholder? Or does he genuinely want to be friends? 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ellygelly said:

 he heard that I wanted to reconcile with my ex so he was hesitant to date me seriously.         . I don’t understand the mixed messages. 

Unfortunately it seems the most he is ready willing and able to offer right now is FWB. You were sending mixed messages regarding your feelings, divorce and readiness to date, so he pulled away. Enjoy it for what it is but he may not want to get caught up as a rebound.

[ellygelly]

Thank you so much. That is what I was thinking. I think our timing was wrong considering the divorce.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you're still not sure of what you want so I can understand why he is pulling back.  If you're not having sex you're just friends anyway.  This is why people don't like to get involved with people newly separated or divorced, because they don't know what they want and need time to process their break up.

[glows]

Are you able to dial back your feelings and just be friends platonically? If No, then it’s best to distance yourself. He’s expressed interest in other areas, his career primarily. He’s not interested in dating you.

I get the sense that he does have feelings for you but realizes he’s going to get hurt and he may not want to be your “helper” healing after your divorce or doesn’t want to be your rebound. 

 

[ellygelly]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like you're still not sure of what you want so I can understand why he is pulling back.  If you're not having sex you're just friends anyway.  This is why people don't like to get involved with people newly separated or divorced, because they don't know what they want and need time to process their break up.

Well, the thing is that NOW I’m sure of what I want. Then, I was too distracted to care about investing. We agreed to keep things casual but we grew really close. We do have sex so it started to go from situationship to currently FWB because he told me it isn’t going to work out but he wanted to be friends. Im shifting into friends without benefits because that just isn’t fair to me 

[ellygelly]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you able to dial back your feelings and just be friends platonically? If No, then it’s best to distance yourself. He’s expressed interest in other areas, his career primarily. He’s not interested in dating you.

I get the sense that he does have feelings for you but realizes he’s going to get hurt and he may not want to be your “helper” healing after your divorce or doesn’t want to be your rebound. 

 

Totally makes sense. Since this is all so fresh and disorganized, I’m easily able to be friends. I really enjoy his company and can keep things platonic. If there’s room for more, I’m open to exploring that if we are ever both on the same page. He doesn’t think that I can keep my feelings at bay. It is possible that things moved too quickly 

[glows]

What do you mean he doesn’t think you can keep your feelings at bay? A bit presumptuous of him and possibly him projecting his own difficulty keeping his emotions in check. 

It’s probably best not having sex with him anymore if it’s causing any issues in the friendship. You’ll have to be ok with him dating other women as he is single. So are you so don’t limit yourself here to him.

[ellygelly]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

What do you mean he doesn’t think you can keep your feelings at bay? A bit presumptuous of him and possibly him projecting his own difficulty keeping his emotions in check. 

It’s probably best not having sex with him anymore if it’s causing any issues in the friendship. You’ll have to be ok with him dating other women as he is single. So are you so don’t limit yourself here to him.

I thought he might have been projecting and I jokingly told him as such. He has liked me from a distance for many years and now I think that things moved too quickly. 
 

I will stop having sex with him. That is a great suggestion. I think it adds an unnecessary layer of complexity and if we’re just friends, we should be just that. I appreciate your advice. We are both single until we’re committed…to each other or someone else

[ellygelly]

33 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

I thought he might have been projecting and I jokingly told him as such. He has liked me from a distance for many years and now I think that things moved too quickly. 
 

I will stop having sex with him. That is a great suggestion. I think it adds an unnecessary layer of complexity and if we’re just friends, we should be just that. I appreciate your advice. We are both single until we’re committed…to each other or someone else /cdn-cgi/mirage/89f0ee3b4760304f0403d4ea5f920a608080b97aa48eb3041e8e2dcffc301ca3/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/smile.gif.365fdc925ab7f51a9626f13390a96867.gif

One more thing…do you think that his difficulty with managing his feelings toward me is part of the reason he pulled back? 

[Weezy1973]

56 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

He has liked me from a distance for many years and now I think that things moved too quickly. 
 

When we have a crush on someone we build them up in our head to be a perfect match. It’s impossible for you to live up to the imagined you he had in his mind. It could be that once the fantasy was gone, he realized you weren’t what he thought and therefore is only prepared to be FWB rather than commit to a relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

People often don't really mean they want to be friends. That's just an exit strategy for distancing. No need to take it literally. 

And you have stumbled onto the problem: once you're sexually involved with someone, it is nearly impossible to become friends. I had a friend that I ended up dating briefly. Took me almost three years of staying away from her before all my feelings were gone and I was comfortable being friends. 

BTW: let's be clear on "friends." Friends to me means I can tell you of my dating interests and you can tell me of your dating interests. If you can't do that, then you aren't really friends. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ellygelly said:

Well, the thing is that NOW I’m sure of what I want. Then, I was too distracted to care about investing. We agreed to keep things casual but we grew really close. We do have sex so it started to go from situationship to currently FWB because he told me it isn’t going to work out but he wanted to be friends. Im shifting into friends without benefits because that just isn’t fair to me 

I see.  I don't think he's as interested as you are because if he were he'd wait it out.  Especially since you've told him you now have feelings for him.  I too don't see how you can stay friends with him if you aren't having sex.  You can't undo what's already been done.  He's already said he can't be with you without sex which tells me he has a high sex drive and if not you it will be someone else.  Are you okay with that?  You say you can keep things platonic.  Does that mean you'd be okay being around him and another girl he may be dating?

[ellygelly]

45 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

When we have a crush on someone we build them up in our head to be a perfect match. It’s impossible for you to live up to the imagined you he had in his mind. It could be that once the fantasy was gone, he realized you weren’t what he thought and therefore is only prepared to be FWB rather than commit to a relationship.

Hmmm I never considered that. That’s a great point! Thank you!

[ellygelly]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I see.  I don't think he's as interested as you are because if he were he'd wait it out.  Especially since you've told him you now have feelings for him.  I too don't see how you can stay friends with him if you aren't having sex.  You can't undo what's already been done.  He's already said he can't be with you without sex which tells me he has a high sex drive and if not you it will be someone else.  Are you okay with that?  You say you can keep things platonic.  Does that mean you'd be okay being around him and another girl he may be dating?

I’d like to think that I’d be okay with that. I’m sure it would be awkward but I think I’d be okay. I considered that he might be seeing someone else which could contribute to him pulling back. Should I assume that things are over between us? Although we discussed being friends, we still continued to have sex, hang out, and date. 

[ellygelly]

38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

People often don't really mean they want to be friends. That's just an exit strategy for distancing. No need to take it literally. 

And you have stumbled onto the problem: once you're sexually involved with someone, it is nearly impossible to become friends. I had a friend that I ended up dating briefly. Took me almost three years of staying away from her before all my feelings were gone and I was comfortable being friends. 

BTW: let's be clear on "friends." Friends to me means I can tell you of my dating interests and you can tell me of your dating interests. If you can't do that, then you aren't really friends. 

Oof! I feel like I should have known that. It’s weird because he continues to engage, although less now than ever. We still text and spend time together. We never agreed to dating exclusively so it’s weird for him to friend zone me and still engage. When I asked why he wanted to be friends, he said “because I don’t feel like developing feelings or you developing feelings for me and it seemed to be headed that way.”

[flitzanu]

there's no reason this guy has to invest in a relationship with you because he's getting the sex for free.  

he's going to continue reaching out to you to hang out so that he can continue having sex with you.

[ellygelly]

1 minute ago, flitzanu said:

there's no reason this guy has to invest in a relationship with you because he's getting the sex for free.  

he's going to continue reaching out to you to hang out so that he can continue having sex with you.

Ha, no more sex then! Fun while it lasted I guess. Any advice on turning this around?

Edited January 9, 2023 by ellygelly

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

I’d like to think that I’d be okay with that. I’m sure it would be awkward but I think I’d be okay. I considered that he might be seeing someone else which could contribute to him pulling back. Should I assume that things are over between us? Although we discussed being friends, we still continued to have sex, hang out, and date. 

But you've stopped having sex with him, right?   He's going to get it elsewhere if he isn't already.  You are going to end up hurt.  I think you should leave him alone until he wants what you want.

[ellygelly]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

But you've stopped having sex with him, right?   He's going to get it elsewhere if he isn't already.  You are going to end up hurt.  I think you should leave him alone until he wants what you want.

Well we haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks. That was the last time we had sex. We’re supposed to hang out (no sex) this weekend but it might be best to cancel. 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

Ha, no more sex then! Fun while it lasted I guess. Any advice on turning this around?

Oh I thought you had stopped having sex with him since he didn't want more.  You're still doing it?  If you're still giving him sex and he's still pulling back he's also seeing someone else.

Edited January 9, 2023 by stillafool

[ellygelly]

Just now, stillafool said:

Oh I thought you had stopped having sex with him since he didn't want more.  You're still doing it?

We did a couple of weeks ago but haven’t seen each other since. This was after I told him that I care about him. We’ve talked since but we haven’t hung out due to our schedules 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

When I asked why he wanted to be friends, he said “because I don’t feel like developing feelings or you developing feelings for me and it seemed to be headed that way.”

OMG, this should tell you everything you need to know.  You are in fact a placeholder until he finds a girl he wants to make his girlfriend.  You're giving him sex but he's letting you know that's as far as it's going to go with you.  

[ellygelly]

Just now, stillafool said:

OMG, this should tell you everything you need to know.  You are in fact a placeholder until he finds a girl he wants to make his girlfriend.  You're giving him sex but he's letting you know that's as far as it's going to go with you.  

Understood! I really appreciate you making that clear to me. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, ellygelly said:

One more thing…do you think that his difficulty with managing his feelings toward me is part of the reason he pulled back? 

 

25 minutes ago, ellygelly said:

Ha, no more sex then! Fun while it lasted I guess. Any advice on turning this around?

OP, the fact that you want to turn this around and I’m assuming hoping he wants to be in a relationship with you is proof enough that you’re not happy with the way things are. I doubt remaining friends is healthy at all. I’d take this as him not being interested enough and canning this. 

It didn’t work out but it’s not to say that other romances won’t either. My view is not to keep hoping something will change or expect more than what you’re exactly getting in any situation.