Why is he so childish? He is 35!

[tomblanco]

We have only been dating for 3 weeks now. It was passionate and fun - we loved each other's company. Great communication, talked for hours nonstop. However, I totally messed it up. I made a huge mistake one night when we got pretty drunk to ask her to stay over. No intentions, it was very late (4am) and took her home in the morning. She took this badly - said she didn't want to stay over but she was too drunk to assert to go home. She told me this a couple of days later. Basically, I was an a**hole that night by pushing her to sleep at mine. Totally out of character...  I listened to her, we talked it through and apologised for my behaviour and that was really it. We changed the topic and carried on chatting, however, she was distant (understandably, as she was mad at herself for getting that drunk, and that is not her who just stays over at a kind of strangers place). 

That night, we said goodnight. I decided to send her a bunch of tulips to her office the next day, just brighten her mood (she loves flowers and she has no issues getting it in the office). She has not contacted me since. 

Was the flower too much? Did I totally mess things up? i think, I really did and nothing really I can do about this now apart from leaving her alone. i am just wondering... 

 

[Alpacalia]

Were you also intoxicated at the time and unable to drive?

Was calling a taxi for her not an option?

If she got sufficiently hammered, the best thing you can do not only for her safety but for your own and make sure that she gets home OK and for you to go home after she's been safely handed off.

Try not to drink so much.

 

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[tomblanco]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Were you also intoxicated at the time and unable to drive?

Was calling a taxi for her not an option?

We were totally out of it. We got back to my place in a taxi and I suggested to eat there. That's how we ended up there. I was a moron. I can't change this now, I made a very stupid call which I regret.

If she got sufficiently hammered, the best thing you can do not only for her safety but for your own and make sure that she gets home OK and for you to go home after she's been safely handed off.

Yes, agreed. I should have done that. 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Okay well it doesn't sound like you made any inappropriate moves on her while she was under the influence.

You apologized.

Try to just let the dust settle.

Edited November 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, tomblanco said:

she didn't want to stay over but she was too drunk to assert to go home. Was the flower too much?

Sorry this happened but if she was too intoxicated to get a cab/Uber home, it's all you could do. She overreacted. Did you attempt to pursue sex?

She should apologize to you, you shouldn't be sending her flowers. Keep in mind each adult is responsible for their own alcohol intake and a way to get home. She messed up, not you. You can't simply put an inebriated person in a cab. 

Edited November 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[tomblanco]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay well it doesn't sound like you made any inappropriate moves on her while she was under the influence.

You apologized.

Try to just let the dust settle.

No, I didn't. I made sure of that. She sent me stupid videos which we recorded in my house where we were having fun (eating kebab like it's a Michelin Star meal). She was laughting and enjoying the moment. However, it doesn't change that she felt bad the next day about the whole thing. 

Now actually thinking about it... I didn't put my name on the flowers I sent her... I only put "I hope you have a wonderful day, XYZ! It's me, the big headed pumpkin". It is not an inside joke between us, I am just bold and figured she would know it is me... this might have been very stupid, now thinking about it. But I can't contact her now as I assume she knows it is me who sent the flowers and it would come off clingy... oh, dang - I feel stupid now

[tomblanco]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened but if she was too intoxicated to get a cab/Uber home, it's all you could do. She overreacted. Did you attempt to pursue sex?

I was gonna go with hr in the cab before we (I) changed the address to my place. No, I didn't. I drunkely told her that I don't care if we have sex or not - I just want to go to bed. 

She should apologize to you, you shouldn't be sending her flowers. Keep in mind each adult is responsible for their own alcohol intake and a way to get home. She messed up, not you. You can't simply put an inebriated person in a cab. 

In some respect, you are right. However, she trusted me to take care of her if this happens I guess and I broke this trust. And as I said above, I didn't put my name on the stupid flowers today... Only "I hope you have a wonderful day, XYZ! It's me, the big headed pumpkin". and itt is not an inside joke between us

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, tomblanco said:

 I drunkely told her that I don't care if we have sex or not - I just want to go to bed.  However, she trusted me to take care of her.

You are not responsible for her drinking habits. You did the right thing in this instance except sending anonymous flowers and rewarding her ungrateful behavior.

Step back, reflect and give this some time and space. Perhaps she is embarrassed, who knows, but let things cool off.

[glows]

She may just not be feeling it. Don’t send anymore flowers and gifts.

I can see you care about her but she seems annoyed with herself. Maybe she contradicted herself so badly and is embarrassed. It’s not your fault so stop beating yourself up over this.

If you were stubborn and belligerent when you were drunk insisting she stay then you avoid alcohol on dates going forward. Focus on your own actions in future. 

Did you both have sex or just pass out? 

[tomblanco]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Did you both have sex or just pass out? 

No sex, just passed out. 

[tomblanco]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

She may just not be feeling it. Don’t send anymore flowers and gifts.

Wasn't planning. Just wanted to make her feel better about herself with the flowers. 

I can see you care about her but she seems annoyed with herself. Maybe she contradicted herself so badly and is embarrassed. 

She told me that. She told me that she is not like this. 

If you were stubborn and belligerent when you were drunk insisting she stay then you avoid alcohol on dates going forward. Focus on your own actions in future. 

Belingerent - NO. Stubborn? Maybe. But I do take "no" for an answer. We kind of planned an alcohol free date but I don't think that will happen anytome soon. She is not committing anymore (used to jump on the opportunity before a fiasco) 

 

[tomblanco]

Yes, it is official - she does not know it came from me... just thank "the someone who sent it" on facebook...

[glows]

You both didn’t even have sex. This is a much ado over nothing. I think it was sweet to send the flowers and considering your humour I’m sure she knew it was you. 

She has to be more mature than this if she’s up for dating. Don’t chase after her please. But also no more gifts. You’ve done enough. Let her show you she’s interested. The ball is in her court.

Edited November 7, 2022 by glows

[tomblanco]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

You both didn’t even have sex. This is a much ado over nothing.

I incline to agree but i did not want to disregard her feelings. If this is how she felt, that is how it played out inside of her. 

I think it was sweet to send the flowers and considering your humour I’m sure she knew it was you. 

She didn't - i just replyed to her facbook story. My name wasn't there as I suspectd it... she is over the moon.

She has to be more mature than this if she’s up for dating. Don’t chase after her please. But also no more gifts. You’ve done enough. Let her show you she’s interested. The ball is in her court.

Sure no. I am not trying to buy her affection. I just wanted to make her feel special as she felt awful over the weekend about herself (regardless if it is justified or not, that was her feeling)

 

[mark clemson]

She may have felt the flowers were too much or perhaps that "things are getting weird". Give her a few days, and if she doesn't follow up/re-start the relationship then move on.

You sound anxious to please her/keep her happy. Women naturally tend to like this, but it's a double-edged sword because they also like men who are confident and emotionally secure. Perhaps you are coming across as insecure/"clingy" and she is finding that off-putting.

My belief is that too much clinginess at the early stages (before an emotional bond is genuinely established) is at least as bad as showing not enough interest in the woman. They quickly lose respect and then find themselves no longer attracted to you.

Find your balance. If a woman doesn't want to play ball anymore, there's little one can do about, so (while it's understandable if one started to become emotionally attached) further chasing tends to end up being pointless.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, tomblanco said:

No, I didn't. I made sure of that. She sent me stupid videos which we recorded in my house where we were having fun (eating kebab like it's a Michelin Star meal). She was laughting and enjoying the moment. However, it doesn't change that she felt bad the next day about the whole thing. 

Now actually thinking about it... I didn't put my name on the flowers I sent her... I only put "I hope you have a wonderful day, XYZ! It's me, the big headed pumpkin". It is not an inside joke between us, I am just bold and figured she would know it is me... this might have been very stupid, now thinking about it. But I can't contact her now as I assume she knows it is me who sent the flowers and it would come off clingy... oh, dang - I feel stupid now

No one told her to drink or get inebriated.

Sounds like she is embarrassed by her own behavior.

Try to avoid giving gifts to buy forgiveness. 

The kind gesture you made here was thoughtful. Keep it simple and sincere.

No wrong doing here, no sin, so don't take on something that isn't yours.

 

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

I fail to see how you were an a-hole to her, OP. 

It was late, you were both obliterated, you didn't try to have sex with her. The natural thing to do was offer your place to crash. Unless you were insistent and being a jerk about it, she is over-reacting. By a lot. As such, the flowers were completely unecessary. 

It is not your job to make her feel better about herself when she made a choice she regrets. If anything, that sets up a dynamic whereby you are always dancing around trying to appease someone who doesn't take accountability for their own decisions. 

[Stret]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

She may have felt the flowers were too much or perhaps that "things are getting weird". Give her a few days, and if she doesn't follow up/re-start the relationship then move on.

You sound anxious to please her/keep her happy. Women naturally tend to like this, but it's a double-edged sword because they also like men who are confident and emotionally secure. Perhaps you are coming across as insecure/"clingy" and she is finding that off-putting.

My belief is that too much clinginess at the early stages (before an emotional bond is genuinely established) is at least as bad as showing not enough interest in the woman. They quickly lose respect and then find themselves no longer attracted to you.

Find your balance. If a woman doesn't want to play ball anymore, there's little one can do about, so (while it's understandable if one started to become emotionally attached) further chasing tends to end up being pointless.

This! ^^^

From a female point of view - you didn't do anything wrong. You acted responsibly and treated her with respect. She seems to have some princess complex and she seems to be ashamed having let go of the guard when she was drunk, rather than being mad at something you did. It is easier to blame you than face the fact that you did not tie her hands and forced alcohol down her throat and when you offered to stay over she could have said "no I'll get a cab home". Two people got drunk and one stayed over just to sleep it off. Big deal. If this happened to me - I'd feel bad over what I did, not what you did. 

As the poster I quoted here told you - stop apologizing. You come off too eager to please her every whim. If this is what you base your relationship on in the early days, this is going to be expected of you forever. You will walk on egg shelves for as long as it lasts.  

You say "I incline to agree but i did not want to disregard her feelings. If this is how she felt, that is how it played out inside of her.". You are not responsible for her emotions and feelings. You are both mature adults, and have to be responsible for own life, own choices and own feelings. You didn't disregard her feelings - the question is why she feels that way? Because she is mad at something you did or because she is ashamed of herself? The personality that blames others for own mistakes is best avoided anyway. You don't know her. Now she is showing you something about who she is and you need to be able to see it. 

Stop contacting her and stop apologizing. Your value is only falling in her eyes when you do that. Say it once, don't blame yourself, and let her deal with it. If she cannot, it is her problem, not yours. You cannot help her. People are what they are. Maybe you'll avoid a lot of similar troubles in the future with her if this doesn't work out. 

But if she ever ends up talking to you again and insists on pinning this on you this is the only this you should say to her: "Look, I apologized even though I don't particularly think I did anything wrong. Remember, I was drunk too, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. We both were too drunk and you stayed over at my place. It is not a big deal at all, people make mistakes. But I understand if it is big deal for you. Hope you can get over it. If not, then I'll have to wish you best in the future and thank you for the time we had together." Or something along these lines. Do not sound remorseful or like you are pining after her.  

[basil67]

I agree that you did nothing wrong.  You had fun joking around, you made sure she was safe and made no moves on her.   

While it's thoughtful to consider someone's feelings, not all feelings are reasonable.   In this case, you did what you felt was the right thing at the time, it may not have been what she may have chosen for herself - but she was unable to choose for herself and you're not a mind reader.    All in all, you made sure she was safe and this is what counts.

All in all, I would not go chasing a woman who's so ungrateful for your help.

[JTSW]

She is overreacting here.

You had a great night and you didn't take advantage.

You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't your fault that she drank herself into a stupor.

What is her problem?

Sounds like the kind of girl you will be walking on eggshells around all the time. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, tomblanco said:

 - she does not know it came from me... just thank "the someone who sent it" on facebook...

Ok just step away now. No more rewards or explanations.

You did what you had to do and that was not just dumping an intoxicated person into a cab and instead letting her sleep it off.

If she can't see the position she put herself in that is her lack of insight. You did the responsible thing.

Do not chase this woman any further. She's trouble. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

21 hours ago, tomblanco said:

I just wanted to make her feel special as she felt awful over the weekend about herself (regardless if it is justified or not, that was her feeling)

That may be true and a very human response.

I’d be observant and enjoy your time together. If you’re always walking on eggshells and she can’t seem to get it together or acknowledge her own mistakes, you know you’re in for a bumpy ride. It’s early days so give this room to grow.

 

[tomblanco]

I actually suggested something specific to do with her (we were chatting, kind of back to normal but she is a little standoffish still - anyways). She said "Okay, let's do it". When I asked her what's her calendar like and when she is free, she just dodged the question and answered something else I sent just before that. I didn't repeat the question again, of course. It has been a few days since, I didn't ask her again about when she is free (at the end of the day, I already asked, she knows I asked and she knows very well that she didn't reply).

The way I see this is that I keep chatting with her when she contacts me (I didn't today and she eventually messaged me), maybe ask her out in a couple of days time again if it doesn't come up (i.e. I am going to that special event, let me know if you'd like to join me) and leave it as that. My rule is: two rejections, walk away

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, tomblanco said:

My rule is: two rejections, walk away

Excellent policy. Try to lay back and see if she contacts you.

[tomblanco]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent policy. Try to lay back and see if she contacts you.

Oh yes, she keeps contacting me but as she dodged the question for the date invite a few days ago, I am not asking her out again just yet. When she is back at her fun herself and enthusiastic to see me, we will do something fun. Until then, I will see friends who are eager to see me.