Advice appreciated

[BrinnM]

31 minutes ago, scorchio said:

as neither of us did the right think by going no contact

How can you if you’re working at the same job? 

[RebeccaR]

Does your wife know you were friends with the AP for 5 years prior to the affair? How close was the friendship? Has your wife met her? Your wife might feel you have been in an inappropriate relationship for half your marriage. Make no mistake, unless you were VERY casual friends, the EA has been developing over time longer than a year.

[Starswillshine]

32 minutes ago, scorchio said:

it was caught quite early so that made it hard to “blossom “ hence the rippling along. as neither of us did the right think by going no contact . it just got more emotionally intense since. 

we have already spoken about being together , how our life might be , marriage etc. but it’s unlikely to ever happen i think . 

 

The sneaking behind people's back is what makes it intense. That isn't to say that it wouldn't be on its own, but it is 100% contributing. Research intensity in affairs, and you will find this is common. The secrecy, the fantasy... all intensifies it beyond normal. 

[BrinnM]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Does your wife know you were friends with the AP for 5 years prior to the affair? How close was the friendship? Has your wife met her? Your wife might feel you have been in an inappropriate relationship for half your marriage. Make no mistake, unless you were VERY casual friends, the EA has been developing over time longer than a year.

This is such a great point altogether, and any answer to any or all of these 3 questions would also be extremely eye opening. 

[scorchio]

8 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Says who? You or your OW? Either way, that’s sad, because it sounds like your wife is the mere backup plan here. I bet she would hate being in this position, if she knew. 
It’s like saying “we talked about being together officially, and we talked about how great a marriage would be between us, but it isn’t likely to happen (why though?), so I’ve gotta stay with my wife (for now, until something better comes along).” 
 

Is this what you choose? It’s certainly not what your wife would choose. It’s probably not what your son would choose, either, if he were older and able to understand all of this. 

yes totally unfair on wife . not likely to happen for all the reasons i’ve mentioned earlier. fear , kids, money etc . 

i am not and was not  “looking for something better “ to come along . things happened  

[scorchio]

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Does your wife know you were friends with the AP for 5 years prior to the affair? How close was the friendship? Has your wife met her? Your wife might feel you have been in an inappropriate relationship for half your marriage. Make no mistake, unless you were VERY casual friends, the EA has been developing over time longer than a year.

yes she knew we were friends , wife met her once about 3 years ago . she was never jealous as ow was in a relationship and about as far from “my type” as you could find.

we have pretty much always got along very well as have very similar outlooks/ humour etc. but neither of us thought it anything inappropriate as anything more than friends as both of us are in relationships . it was more that casual friends but no sharing of intimate details or anything like that, i guess that there was an undercurrent of both of us likening the other a lot but never thinking about it. 

looking back i can see  it changed when she came back from maternity. for both of us it hit home how much we had missed each other while she was off and kinda grew from there . 

[RebeccaR]

12 minutes ago, scorchio said:

yes she knew we were friends , wife met her once about 3 years ago . she was never jealous as ow was in a relationship and about as far from “my type” as you could find.

we have pretty much always got along very well as have very similar outlooks/ humour etc. but neither of us thought it anything inappropriate as anything more than friends as both of us are in relationships . it was more that casual friends but no sharing of intimate details or anything like that, i guess that there was an undercurrent of both of us likening the other a lot but never thinking about it. 

looking back i can see  it changed when she came back from maternity. for both of us it hit home how much we had missed each other while she was off and kinda grew from there . 

It’s pretty clear that the OW, having a young baby (since you mentioned maternity), doesn’t want to break up her family. And that seems appropriate, given the many unknowns above whether you could even succeed as a couple. Given the circumstances, NC is the only option. I recognize the difficulty since one or both of you would need to change jobs, but the alternative is continued heartbreak.

Note that none of this means you can’t divorce. You have seen an ugly side of your wife and she has seen yours. You don’t seem compatible and given the vitriol on her end and the lovesickness on your end, I’m not sure you can continue as a couple.

[scorchio]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s pretty clear that the OW, having a young baby (since you mentioned maternity), doesn’t want to break up her family. And that seems appropriate, given the many unknowns above whether you could even succeed as a couple. Given the circumstances, NC is the only option. I recognize the difficulty since one or both of you would need to change jobs, but the alternative is continued heartbreak.

Note that none of this means you can’t divorce. You have seen an ugly side of your wife and she has seen yours. You don’t seem compatible and given the vitriol on her end and the lovesickness on your end, I’m not sure you can continue as a couple.

thanks rebecca, both ow and i absolutely wish we didn’t have these feelings for each other. 

yes divorce  may be the only option for me 

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, scorchio said:

thanks rebecca, both ow and i absolutely wish we didn’t have these feelings for each other. 

yes divorce  may be the only option for me 

Your feelings can’t be controlled but true, complete NC will dampen the feelings over time. If you decide to “check in by email” or whatever, you undo the benefits of NC.

I know how hard it is - but two families have already been badly affected. Think about the future - are you going to be pining for a married woman the rest of your life? Think about how ridiculous that sounds. My sense is the OW has been very clear that she won’t divorce. 

[scorchio]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

Your feelings can’t be controlled but true, complete NC will dampen the feelings over time. If you decide to “check in by email” or whatever, you undo the benefits of NC.

I know how hard it is - but two families have already been badly affected. Think about the future - are you going to be pining for a married woman the rest of your life? Think about how ridiculous that sounds. My sense is the OW has been very clear that she won’t divorce. 

she is not married but i get your point . She has said if she leaves it will be for herself (as so unhappy) and not me which is totally correct . She has been thinking of leaving her partner for a while now but like me finding it hard to make the leap . 

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, scorchio said:

she is not married but i get your point . She has said if she leaves it will be for herself (as so unhappy) and not me which is totally correct . She has been thinking of leaving her partner for a while now but like me finding it hard to make the leap . 

She tells you she is unhappy, yet she recently had a baby with her partner? It’s possible she’s just telling you what you want to hear. 

[scorchio]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She tells you she is unhappy, yet she recently had a baby with her partner? It’s possible she’s just telling you what you want to hear. 

the child is 2 now. i know she’s been unhappy for a a good while. 

[Will am I]

54 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The secrecy, the fantasy... all intensifies it beyond normal. 

Totally. I remember how xOW and I used to challenge eachother on sexual dares. When I got a message where she proposed something or reported back on something I had put her upto, I could barely breathe. The excitement was insanely intense. No matter what sex life you have in a marriage, the excitement will always go down a little as intensity turns into real intimacy. Part of the extremely strong excitement was probably about the fact that I was doing something that was so far off limits and should not come to light.

[RebeccaR]

I asked earlier, I didn’t see an answer: if OW left her partner because she was unhappy, would you leave your marriage?

 

Edited October 6, 2022 by RebeccaR
Correction

[scorchio]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

I asked earlier, I didn’t see an answer: if OW divorced to be with you, would you leave your marriage?

i honestly don’t know. but in truth i would be sorely tempted as things stand 

[Will am I]

@scorchioYou seem somewhat passive and reactive in your approach. Awaiting circumstances develop and planning to pick your options as they become available.

The problem is that these ciscumstances are not developing to your benefit if you stay passive. Most likely, OW will stay in het relationship and your wife is increasingky building resentment until either the abuse gets worse or she walks. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings and plans.  

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

@scorchioYou seem somewhat passive and reactive in your approach. Awaiting circumstances develop and planning to pick your options as they become available.

The problem is that these ciscumstances are not developing to your benefit if you stay passive. Most likely, OW will stay in het relationship and your wife is increasingky building resentment until either the abuse gets worse or she walks. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings and plans.  

I agree, and it seems you would leave your marriage if you were guaranteed a “soft landing” with your AP. But there are no guarantees. Staying married simply because the better option is unavailable is very unfair to your wife though.

[Will am I]

I think (and admit with some embarrassment) that this "soft landing" is a guy thing.

Just look at the statistics on divorce. Usually the wife files.

Stereotypical:

Woman gets unhappy in a relationship, doesn't see perspective, plans her exit, acts on her plan, uses her friends and family as a support network, gets on her feet, enters a new relationship.

Man gets unhappy in a relationship, doesn't see perspective, gets cynical and drinks more to numb these unpleasant thoughts, is afraid of the consequences of leaving the relationship, gets by by surviving one day at the time, gets all happy and excited when another woman gives him some attention, falls for the OW, gets into an affair, only gets a divorce when his wife kicks him out.

Of course I am grossly generalizing, but in general women seem to be much better at these transitions.  

 

[scorchio]

14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I agree, and it seems you would leave your marriage if you were guaranteed a “soft landing” with your AP. But there are no guarantees. Staying married simply because the better option is unavailable is very unfair to your wife though.

i would hope things get better . if not regardless of situation with ow , divorce would be best 

[Will am I]

"Time doesn't heal anything. It's what you do with that time that counts."

 

Right now your heart is torn which is a state causing inactivity. 

[RebeccaR]

7 minutes ago, scorchio said:

i would hope things get better . if not regardless of situation with ow , divorce would be best 

It won’t get better while you are still talking to the OW. It might not get better even if you stop, but at least there will be a chance. Hoping won’t do anything.

[Alpacalia]

"I" don't want to leave my wife.
"I" have a fear of not seeing my children
"I" don't want to lose financially.
"I" don't want to lose my wife AND my affair partner.

There's a lot of "I's" in your statements.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[scorchio]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

"I" don't want to leave my wife.
"I" have a fear of not seeing my children
"I" don't want to lose financially.
"I" don't want to lose my wife AND my affair partner.

There's a lot of "I's" in your statements.

there is . as i’m talking about myself . of course it has ramifications. 

[Will am I]

I think she has a point.

Of course you’re writing from your personal perspective and that explains why the “I” is the main character.

But don’t think from a self centered perspective too much. Try to mirror a bit. 

[scorchio]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

I think she has a point.

Of course you’re writing from your personal perspective and that explains why the “I” is the main character.

But don’t think from a self centered perspective too much. Try to mirror a bit. 

i know my actions have been totally wrong and caused my wife unreal pain and believe it or not i do feel awful about that