Advice appreciated

[scorchio]

hi, i will try to keep this short as possible.

I had an EA and kissed a co worker (also in long term relationship with a young child) over a very short time period ,there were strong feelings on both sides .

 OH found out after seeing some messages and went absolutely crazy .  

i accepted i was wrong and apologised and have been trying , but it’s 8 months later and my life is hell. OH has been severely affected and i get this , but i’m finding her reaction impossible to deal with. literally every single day she insists on discussing it in detail , gets angry , and says the most horrible things and all within earshot of our son. she has been physically abusive a few times(smashed our robot vacuum over my head last week, don’t laugh ). She often says things to our boy like, ‘you’ll never be like your daddy” and “daddy has destroyed our family” . She has told so many people , her friends, co workers, my boss, my parents and sister . i feel the whole world knows my business now. 

i have told her that i’m struggling to hear about it every day and there is only so much it can be discussed but then am told i’m gaslighting her. She thinks i should be willing to do whatever it takes to help her heal and again i get this but all joy is gone. every move i make is scrutinised to the point where if i’m silent beside her for a few minutes she will accuse me of disconnecting with her and much more. 

i know lots of you will say this is the price  for kissing someone else but i’ve got to the point now where it’s unbearable and we are both deeply unhappy . i’m now not sure about keeping the marriage and have finally told her this. She cannot understand my point of view. 

has anyone had anything similar . i am totally lost as to what to do . 

thanks. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, scorchio said:

it’s unbearable and we are both deeply unhappy . i’m now not sure about keeping the marriage and have finally told her this.

Sorry this is happening.  Privately talk to a therapist about the physical/mental abuse. Confidentially and privately consult an attorney regarding your situation and your options in divorce/severing this situation. Never threaten divorce randomly. Consult an attorney and get your ducks in a row and plan your exit.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like your wife has used your infidelity as an excuse to become abusive. I have little doubt being hit over the head with a 15 lb. (?) object constitutes spousal abuse in many jurisdictions and in many she could be jailed for this.

I'd advise you to stop accepting her behavior. Get it documented thoroughly (in a court-admissible manner) and talk to a counselor. If she can get herself under control and you wish to reconcile, therapy might be helpful. If that's not feasible or won't work, you could consider leaving. You must make your own decisions, if it were me, she would end this in short order or I'd be gone.

[scorchio]

thanks , i have being talking to a therapist for a few months. since discovery my wife has threatened divorce a lot and even gone as far as to have estate agents around to value our home. she does not want a trial separation. 

last week i was sure i had made up my mind to leave but starred to second guess due to fear basically. not seeing my son as much , losing home and family . being 42  and alone in a flat !! it’s scary. i’m worried leaving is the biggest mistake of my life but also afraid that staying is the biggest mistake. i’m not sure things can be good between us again. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by scorchio

[basil67]

Yes, you made a terrible mistake and that action hurt your wife.  After this kind of event, changes will obviously happen - the couple will either decide to work through it together, or one party may decide to walk away.  While I understand that she might flip out initially, you do not deserve ongoing physical and emotional abuse.  Nobody deserves to be abused.   The way she speaks to your child about you is appalling

You are now seeing a wicked and vengeful side of your wife and who knows what else she may be capable of. Even if you're wanting to stay and work through it, please privately consult with a lawyer so that you know how to look after yourself.

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

After this kind of event, the couple will either decide to work through it together, or one party may decide to walk away.  While I understand that she might flip out initially, you do not deserve ongoing physical and emotional abuse.

I would give her two choices, individual/marriage counselling or divorce. Seriously. Because what basil says is correct, she has every right to be angry/hurt/sad, etc… but she has absolutely no right to be abusive toward you - certainly not in front of your child. This kind of extreme reaction means that either a) she is an angry and abusive person or b) this has triggered her in some serious way. Which is why I would insist that she get individual counselling (you both should) in addition to marriage counselling. Or, I would remove myself from this situation. 

[S2B]

Have you even apologized to her? 
none of what you typed considers how much harm you’ve caused to your wife. Mainly about poor you.

w lol, actions have consequences. Have you done the action part to make it up to her (your wife).

you betrayed her! You seem to not realize that part. 
 

what do YOU plan to do to fix the mess you’ve made?

[glows]

11 hours ago, scorchio said:

hi, i will try to keep this short as possible.

I had an EA and kissed a co worker (also in long term relationship with a young child) over a very short time period ,there were strong feelings on both sides .

 OH found out after seeing some messages and went absolutely crazy .  

i accepted i was wrong and apologised and have been trying , but it’s 8 months later and my life is hell. OH has been severely affected and i get this , but i’m finding her reaction impossible to deal with. literally every single day she insists on discussing it in detail , gets angry , and says the most horrible things and all within earshot of our son. she has been physically abusive a few times(smashed our robot vacuum over my head last week, don’t laugh ). She often says things to our boy like, ‘you’ll never be like your daddy” and “daddy has destroyed our family” . She has told so many people , her friends, co workers, my boss, my parents and sister . i feel the whole world knows my business now. 

i have told her that i’m struggling to hear about it every day and there is only so much it can be discussed but then am told i’m gaslighting her. She thinks i should be willing to do whatever it takes to help her heal and again i get this but all joy is gone. every move i make is scrutinised to the point where if i’m silent beside her for a few minutes she will accuse me of disconnecting with her and much more. 

i know lots of you will say this is the price  for kissing someone else but i’ve got to the point now where it’s unbearable and we are both deeply unhappy . i’m now not sure about keeping the marriage and have finally told her this. She cannot understand my point of view. 

has anyone had anything similar . i am totally lost as to what to do . 

thanks. 

Are you still in contact with your EA partner at work? I’m not going to address much of your home life which has deteriorated. Instead, decide whether the marriage is over and whether you’re staying out of fear of the unknown. Your heart doesn’t seem in this marriage anymore and you’re sorry you were caught, not sorry about the affair. This is not to make you feel worse but encourage you to be more honest with yourself. 

The path that led you to where you are now could not have been in vain. There was a reason why you chose an affair or felt entitled to passion or romance with someone else. Your wife may be in shock but you aren’t. You knew you’d get here to this place eventually. It’s up to you to make a choice about how you want to live the rest of your life - in a loveless marriage or decide when it’s time to move on.

[Will am I]

This is about emotions but also about choices.

You chose to allow yourself to have an affair. Yes, “it happened” in the moment. But leading up to that point you allowed your heart to stray, you chose to be around your coworker and engage more and more personally, you had a deliberate part in the events leading up to that kiss. Own that.

Your wife also made choices. She chose not to accept your apologies, to remain angry, abusive, to hold your infidelity against you and keep it with her, as a means of power in the relationship.

 

Maybe if you take your regrets deeper,  acknowledging the more deliberate side to your affair, maybe then she will be able to let go of the anger and team up with you on the road to recovery.

Maybe she won’t. In that case you don’t have a choice but to leave the relationship.This would feel ridiculously unfair to your wife (“first he was unfaithful, then he leaves me”). But it’s the last remaining option when your spouse chooses neither to forgive nor to leave.

[scorchio]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Have you even apologized to her? 
none of what you typed considers how much harm you’ve caused to your wife. Mainly about poor you.

w lol, actions have consequences. Have you done the action part to make it up to her (your wife).

you betrayed her! You seem to not realize that part. 
 

what do YOU plan to do to fix the mess you’ve made?

hi , yes i have apologised over and over , i know it seems it’s about poor me. i am in no doubt what so ever that this situation is my own making and OH is struggling terribly . she has been trying all sorts of different therapy but her anger is still extreme. Of course she is entitled to be angry but the reason i posted is because i’m also struggling to deal with it in almost every interaction and am worried about the impact on our son who is not yet 4.  . i am under no illusions about my role and the hurt caused. sorry im not sure what a w lol action u

[scorchio]

32 minutes ago, Will am I said:

This is about emotions but also about choices.

You chose to allow yourself to have an affair. Yes, “it happened” in the moment. But leading up to that point you allowed your heart to stray, you chose to be around your coworker and engage more and more personally, you had a deliberate part in the events leading up to that kiss. Own that.

Your wife also made choices. She chose not to accept your apologies, to remain angry, abusive, to hold your infidelity against you and keep it with her, as a means of power in the relationship.

 

Maybe if you take your regrets deeper,  acknowledging the more deliberate side to your affair, maybe then she will be able to let go of the anger and team up with you on the road to recovery.

Maybe she won’t. In that case you don’t have a choice but to leave the relationship.This would feel ridiculously unfair to your wife (“first he was unfaithful, then he leaves me”). But it’s the last remaining option when your spouse chooses neither to forgive nor to leave.

thanks mate , well reasoned reply . This whole situation has shone a light on the relationship by necessity and big decisions are coming either way i suppose. 

you are absolutely correct thst it’s unfair on my wife and i feel awful for how this has made her. 

[scorchio]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Instead, decide whether the marriage is over and whether you’re staying out of fear of the unknown. Your heart doesn’t seem in this marriage anymore and you’re sorry you were caught, not sorry about the affair. This is not to make you feel worse but encourage you to be more honest with yourself. 

 

there is a lot of truth in this and it’s what i’m really struggling with . The cheating was not just for fun or entitlement , i think it was to fill the gaps of what i was missing . ( mainly being able to laugh with someone  and a real connection) i’m not meaning this as an excuse or justification, just how i now see it after much rumination and yes still in contact although. bad i know . i’m not expecting or looking for anyones sympathy. i’m just very conflicted .  

thanks for your honest reply 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, scorchio said:

 even gone as far as to have estate agents around to value our home.  , losing home and family . being 42  and alone in a flat !! it’s scary. 

Parading real estate agents around your house is pointless. You need to privately and confidentiality speak to an attorney.

It's doubtful things will be "good again". Your worries will be alleviated once you replace assumptions with facts.

[Will am I]

36 minutes ago, scorchio said:

mainly being able to laugh with someone  and a real connection

It’s good that you recognize what made you vulnerable to fall for another woman.

When discussing this with your wife, make sure to stay well inside your boundaries. “I have not experienced”, etc.

Prevent at all cost to come across as if you’re blaming her for you getting prone to infidelity.

Search your own heart, be honest with yourself: is there a side of you that blames your wife for icing you out? For putting you in an emotional position where you felt you needed to be with another woman?

If you need her to let go of her anger, you need to let go of your resentment too.

[Will am I]

57 minutes ago, scorchio said:

thst it’s unfair on my wife and i feel awful for how this has made her. 

That should be your first and formost communication to your wife. “I treated you unfairly and I feee awful about this”.

Whether you and your wife make the decision to work on your marriage or to separate, it’s equally important that these matters get expressed.

On this topic: being sorry about the consequences of your acts (her feeling hurt) is not as authentic as feeling sorry about your acts themselves (you kissing your coworker).

Edited September 17, 2022 by Will am I

[scorchio]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

It’s good that you recognize what made you vulnerable to fall for another woman.

When discussing this with your wife, make sure to stay well inside your boundaries. “I have not experienced”, etc.

Prevent at all cost to come across as if you’re blaming her for you getting prone to infidelity.

Search your own heart, be honest with yourself: is there a side of you that blames your wife for icing you out? For putting you in an emotional position where you felt you needed to be with another woman?

If you need her to let go of her anger, you need to let go of your resentment too.

i don’t blame her at all. I think we have maybe grown apart over the last few years. She is from SE Asia, i am from uk. she is a brilliant wife and mother but i’m finding some aspects of her culture more difficult as the years go by . especially in regards to her family dynamic   , it is pure drama whereas mine is stable , reserved etc. more and more i find i can't be myself around her she , she doesn’t get my humour for example and had always been incredibly jealous which i hated (going through my phone and emails from even before we married) this is where TOW came into it. we always got on very well purely platonic , but it changed and escalated . more to do with me than my wife probably . 

[Will am I]

What if you let go of the reeentment and she let go of the anger.

Do you and your wife have sufficient common ground for a marriage to exist? 

Would you like to be in a better marriage with your current spouse, or has even that idea lost its appeal?

 

 

[scorchio]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Parading real estate agents around your house is pointless. You need to privately and confidentiality speak to an attorney.

It's doubtful things will be "good again". Your worries will be alleviated once you replace assumptions with facts.

sorry can you expand on what you mean by saying  worries will be alleviated by replacing assumptions with facts? cheers 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, scorchio said:

  worries will be alleviated by replacing assumptions with facts?

Getting the appropriate legal advice on your specific situation so you can get your self appropriately prepared to proceed whether you or your wife files. She keeps threatening divorce you claimed she even put on a show by parading real estate agents through your house to imply it's being sold in the faux divorce threat.

So get yourself informed rather than assuming things about division of assets, custody and other things you are worrying about. Your marriage seems too conflicted in general and much worse after your indiscretions. She's beating up your kids mentally so you need to act finally at least to protect them.

The kids are innocent victims of your bad marriage and the inappropriate "remedies" both you and your wife are employing.

[scorchio]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Getting the appropriate legal advice on your specific situation so you can get your self appropriately prepared to proceed whether you or your wife files. She keeps threatening divorce you claimed she even put on a show by parading real estate agents through your house to imply it's being sold in the faux divorce threat.

So get yourself informed rather than assuming things about division of assets, custody and other things you are worrying about. Your marriage seems too conflicted in general and much worse after your indiscretions. She's beating up your kids mentally so you need to act finally at least to protect them.

The kids are innocent victims of your bad marriage and the inappropriate "remedies" both you and your wife are employing.

thankyou for clarifying . yes worried about how it affecting son. he is nearly 4 and has heard way too much 

[scorchio]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

What if you let go of the reeentment and she let go of the anger.

Do you and your wife have sufficient common ground for a marriage to exist? 

Would you like to be in a better marriage with your current spouse, or has even that idea lost its appeal?

 

 

this is really where my conflict is. We have been married 9 years . i was never what you would call head over heels madly in love with her (butterfly in the stomach !!) we are totally different personalities but we got along well and enjoy food ,  travel , etc. i defo had doubts before marrying her and we’ve had some ups and downs as all relationships do . but we built a nice lifestyle and love our little boy, we are both good parents . 

 i think i was just assuming that’s the way things were and happy enough trucking along. sex life has been fine too. She has always been very jealous and even before we married she has gone through my phone , emails and never found anything . 

but I have never really been able to be myself around her  , i’m a much different person with my mates , at work , etc and that was enough for me i thought . but the feelings that have emerged towards my co worker are very different than how i’ve ever felt about my wife and this has made me question a lot. is it a MLC , affair fog? limerence? or any other description i have now learned since d day .

 am i rewriting history to justify my actions?  . is this all straight out of the “cheaters handbook” that i have seen mentions on various forums . 

all these thoughts are swirling in my head after my EA and certainly since she found out and the only thing i know for sure is that things are absolutely dreadful at home . 

 

[Will am I]

Then maybe these words will resound: “exit affair”.

Was this your exit affair? The one that served to show you your marriage is over? Or are there still forces connecting you to your wife?

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, scorchio said:

smashed our robot vacuum over my head last week,. She often says things to our boy like, ‘you’ll never be like your daddy” and “daddy has destroyed our family” . She has told so many people , her friends, co workers, my boss, my parents and sister .

She is abusive to you and your son. She is angry yes, but smashing a Roomba over your head or enlisting your son in adult matters is unacceptable, don't you think? It would help if you discontinued pondering the wherefores and whys of your dalliances and helped your son and yourself through ending a bad marriage. You needn't make excuses for it such as you 'never connected because of cultural differences', etc. That fact is you're both miserable and limping along in a cold war is not good for your son or you or anyone. She took the scorched earth approach (advocated by those infidelity-specific sites you're on) and therefore your marriage is over as you know it..

[Will am I]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is angry yes, but smashing a Roomba over your head or enlisting your son in adult matters is unacceptable

I fully second this statement. She is currently abusive to both her husband and son.

This situation must end ASAP, either by the abusive mom dropping her anger (OP might be able to achieve something along this axis) or by OP leaving the marriage and taking custody over their son.

[glows]

4 hours ago, scorchio said:

i don’t blame her at all. I think we have maybe grown apart over the last few years. She is from SE Asia, i am from uk. she is a brilliant wife and mother but i’m finding some aspects of her culture more difficult as the years go by . especially in regards to her family dynamic   , it is pure drama whereas mine is stable , reserved etc. more and more i find i can't be myself around her she , she doesn’t get my humour for example and had always been incredibly jealous which i hated (going through my phone and emails from even before we married) this is where TOW came into it. we always got on very well purely platonic , but it changed and escalated . more to do with me than my wife probably . 

She’s dysfunctional and abusive and you’re both incompatible. Did you marry too soon or not knowing enough about her or her background? Acknowledge that and own your mistakes marrying someone incompatible to you. Abuse isn’t ok regardless of what corner of the world it comes from. You seem to have married her without knowing enough about who she was. 

I can’t speak for anyone else and don’t know how you’ll be able to make up your mind. I knew my marriage was over when the issues grew beyond what I knew I could accept and I understood I had to leave to save myself. You’re thinking about your son also but he sees a torn up abusive dysfunctional relationship between his parents where he may already sense his father choosing another woman over his mother, a violent mother and two parents whose norm it is to fight and be violent to communicate. You may already know it’s over. You’ll have to decide when your marriage is over yourself. I don’t recommend counselling in abusive relationships.