He left his home form me more than one times but now he is back again.

[aitna]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's unkind and selfish to use someone as your Plan B. 

It's also ironic that you don't see the similarities between you and MM. 

but we both said that.

No I am not similar in tht with my MM. I dont want to be bach with my ex husband and I dont have children .If I had then I dont know if I would try it. It is a totally different situation without children. It is a lot easier.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

 stay together to have company 😅😅

Doesn't your husband have a GF now?  In some areas what you describe is called an "open marriage". Where you're still married but both have outside lovers. Is your husband's GF married to someone?

[aitna]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Doesn't your husband have a GF now?  In some areas what you describe is called an "open marriage". Where you're still married but both have outside lovers. Is your husband's GF married to someone?

noooooo. We havent got an open marriage. We are not together years now. A paper doesnt mean anything  for us.  We are clearly not together.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

No I am not similar in tht with my MM. I dont want to be bach with my ex husband and I dont have children .

That isn't where I see the similarity. 

To help clarify, let me ask you this: if MM actually left his wife and said he woulnd't be with you while you are still married to someone else, would you file for divorce then? 

[aitna]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That isn't where I see the similarity. 

To help clarify, let me ask you this: if MM actually left his wife and said he woulnd't be with you while you are still married to someone else, would you file for divorce then? 

in the next minute 😂

[stillafool]

On 8/26/2022 at 10:37 AM, aitna said:

And he is the most wonderful man that he stand by me after many things I did to him (You dont know and not need to tell).

It's all about you isn't it?  You say your husband is the most wonderful man that you run to when you need emotional support but then go on to call him boring, don't want sex with him, kicked him out of his marital home; but are still USING him when it suits you.  If you cared about him at all you would pay for the divorce and get out of his life and stop using him.  Can't you go to one of your other relatives or friends for support?  

My friend told me that last Sunday the head Pastor of her Church got up and announced to his congregation that he was giving up his Pastoral position because he is involved in sin.  He told them that his wife doesn't know and will hear it today along with the congregation that he is in love with another woman and must leave.  Then he walked out of the Church and left.  They have children too.  This story has been the talk of the town this week.  As horrible as this is this is an example of what a MM will do when actually in love with his OW.  Yours does nothing but feed you some words and is not in love with you.  He'll never leave and I suspect you know that and that is why you hold onto your husband.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's all about you isn't it? 

Pretty much. So much for relationship boundaries, marital vows, divorce law… none of that seems to apply here.

[aitna]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's all about you isn't it?  You say your husband is the most wonderful man that you run to when you need emotional support but then go on to call him boring, don't want sex with him, kicked him out of his marital home; but are still USING him when it suits you.  If you cared about him at all you would pay for the divorce and get out of his life and stop using him.  Can't you go to one of your other relatives or friends for support?  

My friend told me that last Sunday the head Pastor of her Church got up and announced to his congregation that he was giving up his Pastoral position because he is involved in sin.  He told them that his wife doesn't know and will hear it today along with the congregation that he is in love with another woman and must leave.  Then he walked out of the Church and left.  They have children too.  This story has been the talk of the town this week.  As horrible as this is this is an example of what a MM will do when actually in love with his OW.  Yours does nothing but feed you some words and is not in love with you.  He'll never leave and I suspect you know that and that is why you hold onto your husband.

stillafool maybe you are right for some things about that I am looking my well being. And maybe it's not totally right for my husband. Our relationship was boring,not him. With his new GF they like same things and have a nice time together. I have discuus all that with him. And I care a lot for him. He wants me in his life and when he is sick I am the one that heps him. I was with the MM but I was in the hospital with him as many hours as I could and I was going to him food and clothes (The GF doesnt leave here and is a young girl-not driving). When he is not ok with GF I am comforting him too like he is doing to me.

 

oh the pastor!!Nice story  but I cant say I like his way. He had to speak first to his wife and then just to say that he sinned to other people. I cant imagine how his wife felt. But surely he loves his OW. If this story was the talk only for one week then it's a miracle. We are the talk of many people 2 years now.

 

No i dont hold onto my husband. I really consider him as family and I want to have realtioships with him forever. Nothing more. I cant see him in another way. But yes I feel very good that somebody loves me too much and I love him too.

 

My MM is in love with me but in the right way. It is too passionate all this and sometimes sick and even he tells all the time that he never loved too much any woman I know it's not love yet. He thinks he loves me but love comes later and in other ways . I still have hope that he is leaving again and very soon but th difficult is to stay forever.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, aitna said:

Our relationship was boring,not him.

Well, you’ve certainly found excitement with your MM man. Excitement, drama, dysfunction… 

19 minutes ago, aitna said:

stillafool maybe you are right for some things about that I am looking my well being.

If you were really looking after your well-being, you would have ended this relationship a long time ago. What you are looking after is your own self interest - that’s a very different thing…

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, aitna said:

Quote

stillafool maybe you are right for some things about that I am looking my well being. And maybe it's not totally right for my husband. Our relationship was boring,not him. With his new GF they like same things and have a nice time together. I have discuus all that with him. And I care a lot for him. He wants me in his life and when he is sick I am the one that heps him. I was with the MM but I was in the hospital with him as many hours as I could and I was going to him food and clothes (The GF doesnt leave here and is a young girl-not driving). When he is not ok with GF I am comforting him too like he is doing to me.

Well maybe if you get out of your husband's life he will drop the hot young girl and get a WOMAN who will love him and be a real partner for him rather than some ex who pops in and out when she feels like it.  He only wants you because he doesn't have another woman around to spend time with and care for him.  

 

Quote

oh the pastor!!Nice story  but I cant say I like his way. He had to speak first to his wife and then just to say that he sinned to other people. I cant imagine how his wife felt. But surely he loves his OW. If this story was the talk only for one week then it's a miracle. We are the talk of many people 2 years now.

Interesting that you call that a "nice story", I think it's horrible on all counts.  At least he had the courage to be honest even if it was a shitty way to do it, which is more than I can say about the cowardly, lying MM you're involved with who is completely pulling the wool over your eyes.  He has no intention of leaving his wife for you even if they didn't have kids.

Quote

No i dont hold onto my husband. I really consider him as family and I want to have realtioships with him forever. Nothing more. I cant see him in another way. But yes I feel very good that somebody loves me too much and I love him too.

Yes you do because as you said earlier, if you both get old and don't have anyone else, perhaps you'll move back in together.  You are using him as your security blanket for you old age because you know in your heart that MM won't be around and well out of the picture by then.

Quote

My MM is in love with me but in the right way. It is too passionate all this and sometimes sick and even he tells all the time that he never loved too much any woman I know it's not love yet. He thinks he loves me but love comes later and in other ways . I still have hope that he is leaving again and very soon but th difficult is to stay forever.

If he loved you the "right way" he would divorce his wife, tell you to divorce your husband and then make plans to be with you.  He would go to court and file for joint custody of his kids.  You say you don't want kids?  Well with a man with kids you'll see how that works out.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, aitna said:

in the next minute 😂

Exactly. 

You clearly plan to hang on to your husband until it doesn't serve you anymore  - just like MM hangs on to his wife until it doesn't serve him anymore. You both use your respective (legal) spouses as safety nets. 

 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[aitna]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. 

You clearly plan to hang on to your husband until it doesn't serve you anymore  - just like MM. 

 

no i am near my husband even the periods I live in the same house with my MM. Ok when I am not we spend more time together to be honest but we spend time together and when I am in my best with the MM. I dont want to lose him from my life. I really love him the same as my rest by blood family.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, aitna said:

no i am near my husband even the periods I live in the same house with my MM. Ok when I am not we spend more time together to be honest but we spend time together and when I am in my best with the MM. I dont want to lose him from my life. I really love him the same as my rest by blood family.

Perhaps your MM feels the same way about his wife. His wife, his children, their family… they are his family, which is why it is hard for him to leave them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, aitna said:

to be honest but we spend time together and when I am in my best with the MM. I dont want to lose him from my life. I really love him the same as my rest by blood family.

That does not mean you must remain legally married to him. 

You need to be prepared for the very real possibility that you will not be close to him forever, and it might not be your choice. It is unlikely that a future girlfriend who wants to get serious with him will be alright having his estranged wife around this much. And when that time comes, you can be sure it will be him initiating the divorce proceedings and distancing himself from you. Just as you would if MM requested the same. 

It seems to me that you haven't actually filed for divorce because then you know you would lose him from your life, and you don't want to be totally alone. 

I think you're being willfully naive in assuming you will always him around as your fall-back option. And then what are you going to do? You will have nobody to fill the gaps when MM still doesn't want to be your partner. 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[aitna]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

I call it nice not because I liked it. You tried to make the pastor to look like a hero. I said that I dont like the way he did this.  But If he loved another woman he made the right thing that left his wife. But not with the right way.

 

My husband choosed that girl because they have many commons and have a nice time together. He wants a future with her and she is not hot just because she is young. My ex husband choosed her becuse they like same things not for her appearance.

 

For my MM yes he doesnt love me the right way ,there are othr feelings more strong thatn love right now. If we manage to be together and calm then love will come in the right way. Our love is sick right now. Well I think he is leaving his home once more.  Maybe he will stop it if me or his wife close the door.

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, aitna said:

If we manage to be together and calm then love will come in the right way. Our love is sick right now.

Not many affairs turn into lasting relationships for good reason. An unhealthy relationship doesn’t miraculously become a healthy relationship without a great deal of commitment, therapy, self reflection, and time. 

He is not a safe or healthy partner for you right now aitna. And, I would suggest kindly that you are not a safe or healthy partner for another person at this time either. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, aitna said:

I

Quote

I call it nice not because I liked it. You tried to make the pastor to look like a hero. I said that I dont like the way he did this.  But If he loved another woman he made the right thing that left his wife. But not with the right way.

There's nothing about my post that made him look like a hero.  That is your perception, not mine.  I suppose you cheer on that MM to cheat and lie to his wife instead of telling her the truth and going to you.  That is your idea of the right way to do things.

 

Quote

My husband choosed that girl because they have many commons and have a nice time together. He wants a future with her and she is not hot just because she is young. My ex husband choosed her becuse they like same things not for her appearance.

What on earth would a man his age have in common with a girl who is too young to even drive??????  Nothing but to look at her young face and body.  It's sick.

For my MM yes he doesnt love me the right way ,there are othr feelings more strong thatn love right now. If we manage to be together and calm then love will come in the right way. Our love is sick right now. Well I think he is leaving his home once more.  Maybe he will stop it if me or his wife close the door.

His wife is not responsible for you and MM's dirt so don't couple her in with you.   One thing you said that is true and that is you and MM's love is sick.

[mark clemson]

OP, I don't see how it can be said that you're holding on to your husband (or holding him back, or really anything like that) if he's literally dating another woman. It sounds like you maintain a friendship with him and (importantly) one that he consents to and participates in. As you stated you own the house, so it's not like you took that away from him either.

You are both adults and there is nothing wrong (nor particularly underhanded) about this IMO. You're Ex's who have the desire and emotional maturity to be supportive friends afterwards. For some this could or would be problematic, but apparently not for you two. Different people have different "boundaries."

You shouldn't be particularly shocked, if things get serious with his new GF, if she asks him to finalize a divorce and/or minimize contact with you (for her emotional security). From what it sounds like, I suspect you'll be ok with doing so IF and WHEN he actually asks that of you.

Edited August 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You shouldn't be particularly shocked, if things get serious with his new GF, if she asks him to finalize a divorce and/or minimize contact with you

Frankly, it’s amazing that she/he hasn’t done this already. Very few women would be ok with his “ex” wife spending time with their boyfriend - especially considering that you are still legally married. Very few women would consider dating a man who is married to another woman. 

[mark clemson]

^^ agree, it would likely put a certain % of them off. Likely the not-quite-ex H has explained the situation (more than one time, I would imagine) and the GF believes him and doesn't have an issue with their "closeness" such as it is.  Seeing him living in a different home and only seeing OP occasionally would likely help.