Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Friddle32 said:

i guess it just hits me because that seems like her dream guy. Handsome chef that she continues to keep up with.

I know this doesn't help but ^^^^this sounds like every woman's dream guy.  Maybe take cooking lessons and show her YOUR skills.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

I smell it after she leaves for work.

Okay, but you know what it is and that she was vaping.  So why do you need to bring it up?  It's nitpicking and annoying.

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Well hot is just what her and her friend at work were referring to the doctor as. Texting saying oh my god, the hot doctor on the 2nd floor complimented the s*** out of me today and I’m sweating!!”

 The other guy I just know that they share a common interest in cooking and the picture caption of them together said something to the effect of “there’s only so many people in this world you can hang out with all day and talk about your favorite chefs and food network shows, oh this boy 😘”

i guess it just hits me because that seems like her dream guy. Handsome chef that she continues to keep up with.

Right.

If your wife is out and about after balancing being married and taking care of her/your child all day every day.

In what way does she carry you with her?

It had better be because she is adored beyond anything that anyone could propose to her, so that any random compliments, appropriate or inappropriate, are dismissed and mused at.

Random flowers. Date night. A surprise helping hand with the chores. Everything you did to woo her. That shouldn't change on your wedding day. Otherwise, the least of your concerns is a random guy who compliments her.

If it were my wife (hypothetical), the day she told me she appreciated this commendation, I would smile, give her a quick squeeze and kiss and tell her, "he is right, honey! You do look nice. However, he does not have the opportunity to see how amazing you are like I do.”

Edited June 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Friddle32]

So I guess I’m the only one that would be bothered by her interactions? I have to admit the comments are mostly normal stuff like happy birthday or how good certain foods look.

i think it’s just the liking of every picture including selfies and shirtless pictures. I kinda feel like that’s a flirtatious thing you do to let someone know you’re interested at the start of a relationship.

 But she continued to do so throughout our relationship until I brought it up a few weeks ago.

 Occasionally “loving” stuff that makes me wonder too. Like one time he reposted a poem that said “we were the perfect match, maybe that’s why we burned out.”

 Another time I was off the mark it seems when I got upset that he put up a status a few months into our relationship asking who wanted to go as his Harley Quinn for Halloween?

 My wife commented “are you in town?!”

 He didn’t respond but did write on her costume picture “I wish I had you do my costume.”

 My wife does special effects make up as a hobby on her friends.

She wrote back “I would have, that’s why I asked if you were in town.”

 After reading that I was like wow I got upset thinking she was offering to be his Harley and I was wrong.

 

[Alpacalia]

Honestly confronting yourself with this seems impossible given that you are not being honest with yourself.

I assume that whatever emotions are fueling your fear or desire for control are too painful for you to handle. 

Trust me, that will get old.

[glows]

10 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I smell it after she leaves for work. I’m not making a big deal of it. I make a casual joke about it being a long day and she denies it.

 Just seems a silly thing to lie about. Makes me go well if you lie about something I have direct evidence for that you know I don’t care about…

Jokes like these are passive aggressive and push people away. You think you’re being funny and addressing the issue but you aren’t. She’s not stupid and she senses your insecurity. It’s not necessarily becoming of a partner and further divides the two of you. You do find her silly and it’s a way to minimize the things she does. She avoids you massively because she doesn’t want to deal with your jabs and rudeness either. Do you see how this continues to drive you apart? 

And second, I agree with you that her interactions can be interpreted as something else, online with her one-month ex but the main issue in your marriage is she avoids you and you keep picking at her. Maybe you’re using the forum to vent your frustration while you’re 95% sweetie patootie around her and faking it till you both make it through this rough patch. In that case vent away but know that the thinly veiled comments and “jokes” aren’t helping both of you rebuild trust. I’m sensing a lot of anger and frustration underneath that.

[Friddle32]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Honestly confronting yourself with this seems impossible given that you are not being honest with yourself.

I assume that whatever emotions are fueling your fear or desire for control are too painful for you to handle. 

Trust me, that will get old.

What do you mean not being honest?

 I’d like to try to move past it I just never know if I’m over reacting or it’s concerning behavior to anyone else.

[Friddle32]

51 minutes ago, glows said:

Jokes like these are passive aggressive and push people away. You think you’re being funny and addressing the issue but you aren’t. She’s not stupid and she senses your insecurity. It’s not necessarily becoming of a partner and further divides the two of you. You do find her silly and it’s a way to minimize the things she does. She avoids you massively because she doesn’t want to deal with your jabs and rudeness either. Do you see how this continues to drive you apart? 

And second, I agree with you that her interactions can be interpreted as something else, online with her one-month ex but the main issue in your marriage is she avoids you and you keep picking at her. Maybe you’re using the forum to vent your frustration while you’re 95% sweetie patootie around her and faking it till you both make it through this rough patch. In that case vent away but know that the thinly veiled comments and “jokes” aren’t helping both of you rebuild trust. I’m sensing a lot of anger and frustration underneath that.

The jokes about vaping aren’t really a constant thing it was just an off example that I can stop.

my real concern is her continuing to engage with her short lived ex on social media. From the end of their relationship into and through out ours. Through our marriage and having a kid. I just don’t understand it and it seems very disrespectful to me.

[heartwhole2]

We all fall somewhere along the spectrum of truthfulness. This doesn't just depend on how much we value telling the truth, but also how aware we are of our own motives. Some people hide the truth from themselves . . . oh, I shouldn't vape too much, I'm sure I don't . . . so they definitely aren't going to be reliable narrators when it comes to telling the truth to others. If it helps you, it doesn't mean she's knowingly and intentionally lying to you. She's saying the process out loud that she always undergoes inside her own mind. She doesn't want to admit how much she's doing it to herself, so she's deflecting anything you say that would make her do so.

Now the end result is deception, and she can't just shrug her shoulders and say, "But I meant well!" On the other hand, at least you aren't worried that you're dealing with some kind of psychopath who lies for sport. She can learn to become more self-aware and mature.

As I shared, my husband DID have an affair. He's always been charming and flirtatious, which is what drew a reserved person like me out of my shell. Sometimes it's hard to find the line between "just being my charming self" and "giving the wrong impression to potential affair partners." That's something my husband has had to work on. I definitely think this is a valid thing for you to bring up in counseling. I can definitely relate to how disrespectful it feels to have your partner, intentionally or not, giving out signals that they might be available; your feelings are valid. Just remember that anger is a shield for something more vulnerable . . . you fear of being rejected and embarrassed. When you bring it up in counseling, try to focus on your fears and vulnerabilities, and not so much your anger. This will help her be less defensive and make the conversation more productive.

Are you guys doing individual counseling?

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

As far as I know it’s no longer an issue. He’s apparently in a new relationship as well so that helps.

They are no longer communicating.

Is there a reason you still refer to their past social media comments?

Particularly in reference to social media comments that seem to be exchanged when the two of you first started dating.

I'm coming from this from another angle. I had an ex that was pretty much jealous of everything. Mostly my past relationships.

It turned out he was the one that was up to no good. 

[mark clemson]

Your situation is complex I think and so defies simple answers.

The vaping stuff is no big deal. Suggest (as others have) that you don't sweat the small stuff.

Trust comes from YOU, not from her. Honesty (at whatever level you receive it) comes from her.

The texts/SM activity you describe could indeed (IMO) be seen as yellow flags. However, they are ONLY yellow, not red. But, of course, yellow flags make it harder to trust.

Is it just bored, spicy work banter/SM likes? Almost certainly. However, could your wife "in the heat of the moment" make some bad decisions around one of these alpha-ish guys she seems attracted to? Conceivably, yes.

So there's a dynamic there where "her fun" is (inadvertently) increasing your insecurity/distress.

THAT is probably a something to cover in therapy/couples counseling where any "gaslighting" can be called out by the therapist as a sort of referee. Particularly if you bring up that she is "invalidating how you feel about it" or similar. A good therapist would, I think, not let it be swept under the rug.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

The jokes about vaping aren’t really a constant thing it was just an off example that I can stop.

my real concern is her continuing to engage with her short lived ex on social media. From the end of their relationship into and through out ours. Through our marriage and having a kid. I just don’t understand it and it seems very disrespectful to me.

It is disrespectful and you’ll both have to cover that in marriage therapy. Are you both still attending? A neutral party will guide you in resolving issues under the surface. 

Without change from her and you acknowledging change this doesn’t move forward in trust. There are still grudges to hold onto and resentment builds. Are either of you committed to marriage therapy at all or is it helping? 

Be careful with your thoughts even while venting or framing the way you think of someone. It eventually colours everything from the way you treat that person and the way a person may completely undo all the work that’s done in marriage therapy. If you’re here to vent about wife in private know also that it’s dishonest and working against you in your marriage. 

Eventually you’ll have to decide whether any of this is worth it. You have a new child to focus on. Is all this worth the angst and energy you’re putting into it? 

Edited June 22, 2022 by glows

[Friddle32]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

They are no longer communicating.

Is there a reason you still refer to their past social media comments?

Particularly in reference to social media comments that seem to be exchanged when the two of you first started dating.

I'm coming from this from another angle. I had an ex that was pretty much jealous of everything. Mostly my past relationships.

It turned out he was the one that was up to no good. 

Just because the past comments were through out our whole relationship it concerns me.

feels like betrayal because I had no idea.

At the very least disrespectful to me and our relationship.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Just because the past comments were through out our whole relationship it concerns me.

feels like betrayal because I had no idea.

At the very least disrespectful to me and our relationship.

This is understandable and I can appreciate why you could consider it disrespectful. In reality, I would probably be a bit less enthusiastic if I knew someone I was married to was still in contact with someone they dated just before me.

I hope you two will find a way to resolve your disconnect with the help of licensed professionals, as it will hopefully help expedite the process. She unfriended him, and they no longer comment on each other's social media posts. I hope as a result of marriage counseling that you will be able to resolve those feelings and get back on track.

[vla1120]

21 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

then again, I can hear her going in the bag we keep the vapes in the other morning before work. I make a joke about her taking it to work to smoke on the way home after a stressful day. I could care less if she does btw.

she again denies it.

this morning I hear her again in the bag. I call out from the other room and make a joke about it. She again tells me I’m hearing this and leaves for work.

I'm having a bit of deja vu, reading these posts. I'm not accusing you of this, but it's all ringing a bell with me. I was married to a man for 6 years who was very suspicious and controlling. Before I started setting down boundaries with him, I would tell him little white lies just to avoid an argument. For example, if I got home 1 minute later than he expected, he would asked if I stopped somewhere on my way home, if so, where - what did I buy, how much money did I spend, who was with me, etc. You get the idea. To save myself from that EXHAUSTING conversation, I would tell a white lie and say I came straight home, or I would leave work early to make sure I got home "on time." One day, he asked me where I stopped (I had stopped to visit my daughters, which was a sore spot with him because he wanted me all to himself.) I lied and told him I came straight home. That's when he pulled out his phone and showed me where I had driven that day. He was tracking my location. This is when I finally decided enough is enough. Instead of trying to hide my very innocent activities, I decided to tell him where I went and/or tell him it was not his job to keep track of my whereabouts all day every day. 

So, when I hear you saying that your wife tells you little lies all the time, I wonder if she is doing what I did - trying to avoid a mindless argument every single day about some insignificant thing that has no bearing on your marriage, but yet, it's been made into some nonsensical issue. You have to pick your battles.

20 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

That option is totally plausible as well because when I first brought it up it was just that I saw a picture of them on her page from back when they dated. She deleted it but that wasn’t really my issue. I was trying to skirt around my concern and start conversation.

 Then a week or so later I was like hey can we discuss that again? Because my issue wasn’t the picture. I happened to notice you guys still follow and interact with each other.

That was when she was like “ugh not again” kind of gave a sigh, pulled out her phone and was like “ok he’s unfollowed and I removed him as my friend I’m going inside I don’t want to talk about this.”

i kept saying I wanted to talk about it more and she was all “there is nothing more to talk about, we went on 3 dates. Our whole relationship lasted a month.”

she kept saying she doesn’t care about him, doesn’t understand why I’m bringing him up and that she doesn’t talk to him anymore.

i repeated. Ok ok I’m alright with that. I understand not all exs have to be enemies. You said you guys don’t talk anymore?

 She responded, yes! Why would we? I have no reason to keep in contact with him.

Again, same situation - you need to ask yourself why you don't trust your wife. I never gave my husband any reason to mistrust me, and yet, he made everything an issue. I emailed my ex-husband (of 32 years - the father of my children) one time to ask him a question about an antique chest that was his after the divorce, inside of which I had stored some sentimental items that I forgot to remove. My husband was reading all of my emails (I didn't care - nothing to hide). When he saw that (again - innocent) email to my ex, you would have thought I asked my ex to have sex with me in public or something. He carried on for DAYS about how he cannot trust me and I was a "floozy" because I contacted my ex. 

Sorry about the personal stories. I'm not trying to make it about me, but I wanted you to realize that - unless she has given you ample reason to mistrust her, you should be careful not to drive her away from you with constantly questioning her about silly things, like whether she took the vape charger with her to work or to her car. Is that really the hill you want to die on?

[heartwhole2]

Your original question asked if you should be concerned by the contact.

If you are asking, should I be concerned that this contact is going to turn into an affair, then the consensus is, no, that seems highly unlikely.

But if you are asking, should I be concerned that my spouse is susceptible to an affair based on her history of contact here, then sure, there's a little something there that needs to be explored. She was seeking a little fun and validation from the contact, and while I doubt she intended to cross any (further) lines, she doesn't seem to have a high level of self-awareness. That is a character flaw (we all have them) that can lead to an affair later on. You will go through a lot in a long-term marriage, and in times of stress and change you may find that a need for external validation turns into something more.

Really, though, learning to understand ourselves and to validate ourselves from within is a lesson we all should learn. I think you'll get a lot further if you present this as something the two of you can both work on to have better lives in general. Since she seems to have a hard time accepting the "bad" parts of herself, I think you'll get through to her better if you couch your concerns and feedback in great love for and acceptance of her. You're not calling her bad; you're just trying to figure out how your lives can be even better.

[Friddle32]

53 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Your original question asked if you should be concerned by the contact.

If you are asking, should I be concerned that this contact is going to turn into an affair, then the consensus is, no, that seems highly unlikely.

But if you are asking, should I be concerned that my spouse is susceptible to an affair based on her history of contact here, then sure, there's a little something there that needs to be explored. She was seeking a little fun and validation from the contact, and while I doubt she intended to cross any (further) lines, she doesn't seem to have a high level of self-awareness. That is a character flaw (we all have them) that can lead to an affair later on. You will go through a lot in a long-term marriage, and in times of stress and change you may find that a need for external validation turns into something more.

Really, though, learning to understand ourselves and to validate ourselves from within is a lesson we all should learn. I think you'll get a lot further if you present this as something the two of you can both work on to have better lives in general. Since she seems to have a hard time accepting the "bad" parts of herself, I think you'll get through to her better if you couch your concerns and feedback in great love for and acceptance of her. You're not calling her bad; you're just trying to figure out how your lives can be even better.

That’s totally valid and I can understand that during the time after the baby was born as she talks about how alone she felt and I know how she feels about her body and self esteem since then.

what I can’t understand is the contact that has been going on since we started dating. We never really had problems and I’ve always been the type to go above and beyond to show my affection with compliments and gestures.

 Just makes me feel like there’s something more going on like she never got over this guy.

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I'm having a bit of deja vu, reading these posts. I'm not accusing you of this, but it's all ringing a bell with me. I was married to a man for 6 years who was very suspicious and controlling. Before I started setting down boundaries with him, I would tell him little white lies just to avoid an argument. For example, if I got home 1 minute later than he expected, he would asked if I stopped somewhere on my way home, if so, where - what did I buy, how much money did I spend, who was with me, etc. You get the idea. To save myself from that EXHAUSTING conversation, I would tell a white lie and say I came straight home, or I would leave work early to make sure I got home "on time." One day, he asked me where I stopped (I had stopped to visit my daughters, which was a sore spot with him because he wanted me all to himself.) I lied and told him I came straight home. That's when he pulled out his phone and showed me where I had driven that day. He was tracking my location. This is when I finally decided enough is enough. Instead of trying to hide my very innocent activities, I decided to tell him where I went and/or tell him it was not his job to keep track of my whereabouts all day every day. 

So, when I hear you saying that your wife tells you little lies all the time, I wonder if she is doing what I did - trying to avoid a mindless argument every single day about some insignificant thing that has no bearing on your marriage, but yet, it's been made into some nonsensical issue. You have to pick your battles.

Again, same situation - you need to ask yourself why you don't trust your wife. I never gave my husband any reason to mistrust me, and yet, he made everything an issue. I emailed my ex-husband (of 32 years - the father of my children) one time to ask him a question about an antique chest that was his after the divorce, inside of which I had stored some sentimental items that I forgot to remove. My husband was reading all of my emails (I didn't care - nothing to hide). When he saw that (again - innocent) email to my ex, you would have thought I asked my ex to have sex with me in public or something. He carried on for DAYS about how he cannot trust me and I was a "floozy" because I contacted my ex. 

Sorry about the personal stories. I'm not trying to make it about me, but I wanted you to realize that - unless she has given you ample reason to mistrust her, you should be careful not to drive her away from you with constantly questioning her about silly things, like whether she took the vape charger with her to work or to her car. Is that really the hill you want to die on?

Yeah I definelty am not looking to die on the vape hill. Just an example of an interaction I guess.

what I can’t understand is her continuing to like everything this guy posts and keep him in her life while she is going into a new relationship.

3 dates and this level of continued involvement just doesn’t make sense.

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, Friddle32 said:

Yeah I definelty am not looking to die on the vape hill. Just an example of an interaction I guess.

what I can’t understand is her continuing to like everything this guy posts and keep him in her life while she is going into a new relationship.

3 dates and this level of continued involvement just doesn’t make sense.

Okay. I hear you. I do sympathize with you over the fact that she removed the FB connection, but continued to like his posts under another social media account when she knew you did not have an account under that social media app. I know I never gave my husband any reason to be suspicious, so it frustrated me when he would track my movements, etc. In your case, she hasn't been 100% forthcoming with you, which is a slight cause for concern.

You'll read plenty of stories out here where spouses used an app to track their cheating spouse's online activity and found the evidence of cheating that they suspected. Are you in a position that you think that's what you need to do to feel certain she's being faithful to you? Have you looked at your phone bills? Do you have access to her texts and emails? 

[heartwhole2]

I don't think there's some smoking gun or deep "why" to find here. I doubt her actions occupied much conscious thought. She enjoys the hint of flirtation - it makes her feel wanted and alive. Based on how easily she gave him up and the lack of private communication between the two of them, I don't think this was a love of the ages or anything.

If someone I'm attracted to flirts with me/pays attention to me, I'm going to feel flattered. She needs to be better in touch with her thoughts and motivations so that she recognizes this when it starts. People who say they "didn't mean to fall in love" ignored the progression from totally innocent to completely inappropriate and then pretend the relationship just turned itself inappropriate one day. This helps them feel innocent and like they did nothing wrong, but their inability to see the obvious isn't an excuse.

Edited June 22, 2022 by heartwhole2

[Friddle32]

21 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Okay. I hear you. I do sympathize with you over the fact that she removed the FB connection, but continued to like his posts under another social media account when she knew you did not have an account under that social media app. I know I never gave my husband any reason to be suspicious, so it frustrated me when he would track my movements, etc. In your case, she hasn't been 100% forthcoming with you, which is a slight cause for concern.

You'll read plenty of stories out here where spouses used an app to track their cheating spouse's online activity and found the evidence of cheating that they suspected. Are you in a position that you think that's what you need to do to feel certain she's being faithful to you? Have you looked at your phone bills? Do you have access to her texts and emails? 

Yeah so this is a weird one. At the time I addressed the issue with her I had only seen the Facebook connection because that’s all I had. So when I brought it to her attention it was “I noticed you guys still follow each other on Facebook.” She promptly removed him.

it wasn’t till a week or so later I got an Instagram and saw that they still follow each other there and have since 2015 or so.

she hasn’t liked anything or commented on anything on there, but then again he hasn’t posted any new pictures since we spoke.

[Friddle32]

23 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I don't think there's some smoking gun or deep "why" to find here. I doubt her actions occupied much conscious thought. She enjoys the hint of flirtation - it makes her feel wanted and alive. Based on how easily she gave him up and the lack of private communication between the two of them, I don't think this was a love of the ages or anything.

If someone I'm attracted to flirts with me/pays attention to me, I'm going to feel flattered. She needs to be better in touch with her thoughts and motivations so that she recognizes this when it starts. People who say they "didn't mean to fall in love" ignored the progression from totally innocent to completely inappropriate and then pretend the relationship just turned itself inappropriate one day. This helps them feel innocent and like they did nothing wrong, but their inability to see the obvious isn't an excuse.

It’s weird though because it seems like every picture of hers that he likes is either a picture of us together or a picture of us with our son. Our wedding announcement, etc.

he doesn’t appear to show much interest and never comments on her stuff.

She on the other hand is liking damn near every picture and commenting like “this picture of you with your newphew is AMAZING!! You’re such a good uncle.”

[heartwhole2]

Can you pick a couple of other male friends of hers and see how often she likes their stuff?

Also remember that the algorithm may be feeding her his stuff over others.

I do think there's a chance your wife has a crush on this guy, or unresolved feelings if he's the one who let the relationship fizzle out. But I don't think she would admit this to herself, much less to you.

[Friddle32]

10 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Can you pick a couple of other male friends of hers and see how often she likes their stuff?

Also remember that the algorithm may be feeding her his stuff over others.

I do think there's a chance your wife has a crush on this guy, or unresolved feelings if he's the one who let the relationship fizzle out. But I don't think she would admit this to herself, much less to you.

That’s kind of what I took from it as she has posted things around the time they broke up about how you can’t make people feel the same way about you just because you feel that way about them.

 Lots of stuff about wanting someone so badly but you can’t have them.

He moved to the city about an hour and a half away to focus on his career and didn’t seem interested in continuing long distance.

 Not sure where that leaves me though? idk how to be genuine with a woman who has feelings for a past.

 Feeling really betrayed honestly because we have gotten married and had a kid and now I find this out.

 This guy will continue to live rent free in my head.

Edited June 22, 2022 by Friddle32

[heartwhole2]

Just now, Friddle32 said:

That’s kind of what I took from it as she has posted things around the time they broke up about how you can’t make people feel the same way about you just because you feel that way about them.

 Not sure where that leaves me though? idk how to be genuine with a woman who has feelings for a past.

I personally think her lack of self-insight is more of a threat to your marriage than her feelings or whatever for this guy. It's totally normal to romanticize "the one that got away" . . . and with everyone keeping in touch with everyone from their past on social media, you're going to be liking some photos and writing comments without it really meaning too much.

I'll be totally honest that for me, this person is my high school sweetheart. If my husband were to look at my liking and commenting habits with regards to this ex versus another random person, it would definitely look like I prefer the ex. I've never been dishonest and have been careful about my boundaries. But yeah, if the guy who broke my heart when he went to college indicates that he still thinks of me, I like it. Do I really know this person 25 years later? No, of course not. Am I obsessed with him? No. Am I going to run off with him? No.

If we had a different marriage . . . if I weren't someone who held myself to really high standards, if I weren't aware of my latent feelings and motivations, if my husband hadn't had an affair which might influence what he feels he can ask for (though honestly I think he just finds it impossible to imagine me cheating) . . . then maybe I'd unfriend and block this person. I've asked my husband if he wants me to, but he trusts me, and he is treating me how he wants to be treated, by not policing my social media.

So I don't know. I can't speak for your wife. But I definitely think that it's possible to be mildly overly-interested in the social media life of an ex without it meaning anything earth-shattering. I wouldn't even call this having feelings for a person because it's a narcissistic nostalgia for how that relationship made you FEEL.