Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[mark clemson]

Good idea + fair enough. If she truly gaslights you a lot, that may be a bigger issue than this friend. The flip side of that is that if you have insecurities, you don't want them to drive you to "expect" things like cheating to be there and then "see what you expect to see" in innocuous actions. That can be a tough call sometimes, and some things can be genuinely ambiguous, but generally it can be helpful to give someone the benefit of a doubt until things are clearly shown to be problematic. And to nip issues that might become problematic (such as this ex BF) in the bud.

People "see" invented problems all the time if they've "gone down a rabbit hole" and convinced themselves that things are a certain way when they aren't. Not saying this is the case with you, but it's certainly possible and something to look out for.

IF you're sincerely convinced she's interested in cheating on you, the marriage has deeper problems than any one friend.

Edited June 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

Yeah she unfollowed him on Facebook but still has him on Instagram. Meh oh well.

Once the policing and parenting starts the romance and respect ends. Yes address this in marriage therapy.

[Friddle32]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Once the policing and parenting starts the romance and respect ends. Yes address this in marriage therapy.

I would say it’s a huge sign of respect to remove any potential threats to your marriage and not do things that could potentially make your spouse wonder.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I think it’s the defensive and invalidating reaction that really upsets me the most.

Well, it's entirely possible that she might have reacted defensively because in her mind, you are showing her you do not trust her.

You don't believe that she could have moved on from the past and be cool with him now? Or are you thinking that men can’t really be friends with a woman and he really wants something from her? Do you trust her? Isn't that the real question? If the answer is no, then you have a serious relationship issue, but if the answer is yes, then you need to get to the bottom of why you are worried and how you can fix it.

Was she really attempting to invalidate your concerns when she took out her phone and removed him as soon as you mentioned it?

Is everything that's being talked about on social media where it's just liking pictures and the occasional comments? Or, are they talking offline too?

So she had been on a single date with him right before you met. And he dated her prior to that for a month about 7 years ago.

When you met your wife, were you dating anyone else at the time?

How is everything else in your marriage?

I would try to approach it rather from the standpoint that you worry she might harbor unresolved feelings towards him, or that he might harbor unresolved feelings towards her, rather than necessarily seeing it as a case of her doing something wrong. If she continues to make contact with him again and again (even through social media) then that sends the message that she is dissatisfied with you and your marriage.

The bottom line is that you can be upset over anything. You can be upset over the way she pours milk into her cereal. What you feel is what you feel.

Are your feelings reasonable? That's another story.

 

[Friddle32]

36 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Good idea + fair enough. If she truly gaslights you a lot, that may be a bigger issue than this friend. The flip side of that is that if you have insecurities, you don't want them to drive you to "expect" things like cheating to be there and then "see what you expect to see" in innocuous actions. That can be a tough call sometimes, and some things can be genuinely ambiguous, but generally it can be helpful to give someone the benefit of a doubt until things are clearly shown to be problematic. And to nip issues that might become problematic (such as this ex BF) in the bud.

People "see" invented problems all the time if they've "gone down a rabbit hole" and convinced themselves that things are a certain way when they aren't. Not saying this is the case with you, but it's certainly possible and something to look out for.

IF you're sincerely convinced she's interested in cheating on you, the marriage has deeper problems than any one friend.

She just sometimes lies about little things even when I have the evidence. For example, sometimes she vapes at home. (We both do) but she never really brings it to work or outside the home.

the other day I realized the vape charger is missing. She tells me she has no idea where it is and starts saying maybe i was the one who misplaced it. I ask her again and she goes oh maybe it’s in my car I’ll check. 5 mins later…oh it’s in my car idk how it got there I guess I didn’t realize I grabbed it.

then again, I can hear her going in the bag we keep the vapes in the other morning before work. I make a joke about her taking it to work to smoke on the way home after a stressful day. I could care less if she does btw.

she again denies it.

this morning I hear her again in the bag. I call out from the other room and make a joke about it. She again tells me I’m hearing this and leaves for work.

I go to check and her vape is gone and the bathroom smells like it.

I asked her to come clean and she just kept changing the subject until she finally admitted it. I wasn’t even mad just was like do you think I’m stupid? Don’t lie about silly stuff I don’t care about.

she still barely acknowledged it and just kept asking if we were done talking about it.

small lies like that make me wonder.

 

[Friddle32]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, it's entirely possible that she might have reacted defensively because in her mind, you are showing her you do not trust her.

You don't believe that she could have moved on from the past and be cool with him now? Or are you thinking that men can’t really be friends with a woman and he really wants something from her? Do you trust her? Isn't that the real question? If the answer is no, then you have a serious relationship issue, but if the answer is yes, then you need to get to the bottom of why you are worried and how you can fix it.

Was she really attempting to invalidate your concerns when she took out her phone and removed him as soon as you mentioned it?

Is everything that's being talked about on social media where it's just liking pictures and the occasional comments? Or, are they talking offline too?

So she had been on a single date with him right before you met. And he dated her prior to that for a month about 7 years ago.

When you met your wife, were you dating anyone else at the time?

How is everything else in your marriage?

I would try to approach it rather from the standpoint that you worry she might harbor unresolved feelings towards him, or that he might harbor unresolved feelings towards her, rather than necessarily seeing it as a case of her doing something wrong. If she continues to make contact with him again and again (even through social media) then that sends the message that she is dissatisfied with you and your marriage.

The bottom line is that you can be upset over anything. You can be upset over the way she pours milk into her cereal. What you feel is what you feel.

Are your feelings reasonable? That's another story.

 

That option is totally plausible as well because when I first brought it up it was just that I saw a picture of them on her page from back when they dated. She deleted it but that wasn’t really my issue. I was trying to skirt around my concern and start conversation.

 Then a week or so later I was like hey can we discuss that again? Because my issue wasn’t the picture. I happened to notice you guys still follow and interact with each other.

That was when she was like “ugh not again” kind of gave a sigh, pulled out her phone and was like “ok he’s unfollowed and I removed him as my friend I’m going inside I don’t want to talk about this.”

i kept saying I wanted to talk about it more and she was all “there is nothing more to talk about, we went on 3 dates. Our whole relationship lasted a month.”

she kept saying she doesn’t care about him, doesn’t understand why I’m bringing him up and that she doesn’t talk to him anymore.

i repeated. Ok ok I’m alright with that. I understand not all exs have to be enemies. You said you guys don’t talk anymore?

 She responded, yes! Why would we? I have no reason to keep in contact with him.

 

 

[AndyCapp99]

You do sound irritating just with what you have written here. I understand her annoyance. 
You are making things an issue that aren’t real issues. 
You keep nagging her about stupid stuff like the vaping. 
You insist on talking about a guy way in her past. She unfollowed him. What more do you want? 
 

There’s nothing to talk about. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

small lies like that make me wonder.

Discuss picking your battles in marriage therapy and making mountains out of molehills. The more you badger her the more she'll withdraw and disconnect from you. Keep in mind she's an adult and her vaping habits are her business, so remember that parenting and interrogating her will create discord and kill attraction.

[Friddle32]

4 minutes ago, AndyCapp99 said:

You do sound irritating just with what you have written here. I understand her annoyance. 
You are making things an issue that aren’t real issues. 
You keep nagging her about stupid stuff like the vaping. 
You insist on talking about a guy way in her past. She unfollowed him. What more do you want? 
 

There’s nothing to talk about. 

Not sure why honesty is so difficult for some. I also vape so I don’t care. It’s just the thinking I’m stupid when I can hear it and smell it and she’s like idk what you’re talking about.

I would never have brought the guy up either if I didn’t see her tag him in a recent post and like damn near every picture and status he puts up. Doesn’t seem so far in the past.

[Friddle32]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Discuss picking your battles in marriage therapy and making mountains out of molehills. The more you badger her the more she'll withdraw and disconnect from you. Keep in mind she's an adult and her vaping habits are her business, so remember that parenting and interrogating her will create discord and kill attraction.

Yeah I’m not concerned with whether on not she’s doing it. I bring mine to work occasionally so I understand.

 I’m more concerned with why lie when I can hear and smell it? Do you think I’m stupid?

[AndyCapp99]

You seem to think you’re right so go ahead and keep asking about stuff that doesn’t matter. 
Why do you need to keep asking about her vaping if it’s not big deal?

Why do you NEED to talk about the guy even after she disconnected from him. You can go ahead and keep accusing her of “lying” but all you’re doing is nagging her into the arms of another man. Nobody wants the Spanish Inquisition every day. 
 

So far she’s not doing anything wrong here. 

[Friddle32]

3 minutes ago, AndyCapp99 said:

You seem to think you’re right so go ahead and keep asking about stuff that doesn’t matter. 
Why do you need to keep asking about her vaping if it’s not big deal?

Why do you NEED to talk about the guy even after she disconnected from him. You can go ahead and keep accusing her of “lying” but all you’re doing is nagging her into the arms of another man. Nobody wants the Spanish Inquisition every day. 
 

So far she’s not doing anything wrong here. 

I casually bring it up as it has a very distinct sound I can hear from the other room. I’ll make a joke about it and she denies it but then when I can clearly see her vape is gone and she still denies it I’m like really?

i also haven’t mentioned the guy since she removed him on Facebook. She brought it up in therapy before I could even say anything.

[Alpacalia]

You're trying too hard to control and prevent an outcome, getting bogged down in minutiae. I suspect it's in response to feeling that your wife is withdrawing from you. 

Look at what's at the core of this problem and resolve it.

Is your life otherwise going well for you? 

 

[Friddle32]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're trying too hard to control and prevent an outcome, getting bogged down in minutiae. I suspect it's in response to feeling that your wife is withdrawing from you. 

Look at what's at the core of this problem and resolve it.

Is your life otherwise going well for you? 

 

Yes you are correct. We had a conversation back in April about how we have grown distant with each other since having a child. We have both been busy and exhausted and became almost like room mates.

 Since that discussion we started attending marriage counseling, spending more time together, dividing responsibilities better, communicating and finding people to watch the baby so we can still go on dates.

 All is going really well in that area since our discussion.

i had told her about my fear of her drifting away to someone else and she said she worries about the same but that is not what she’s doing. I believe her but seeing her get excited over a “hot doctor” at work complimenting her and then seeing her still talking to her ex has been taking my fear and amplifying it.

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

I believe her but seeing her get excited over a “hot doctor” at work complimenting her and then seeing her still talking to her ex has been taking my fear and amplifying it.

All right.

That is, however, no longer the case, correct? (her talking to her ex)

As far as the hot doctor complimenting her, I must say, it is very flattering. Look. Even though she's married with a child, she ain't dead! 

 

[Friddle32]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

All right.

That is, however, no longer the case, correct? (her talking to her ex)

As far as the hot doctor complimenting her, I must say, it is very flattering. Look. Even though she's married with a child, she ain't dead! 

 

As far as I know it’s no longer an issue. He’s apparently in a new relationship as well so that helps.

 Yeah I totally get the compliment thing but again it was weird because I knew about it. Asked her about the doctor and got the response oh god he’s so annoying, he’s a loser we all can’t stand him blah blah.

then when it finally came out I was like I understand you are going to people attractive I know you’re not dead. Next time it got discussed she was like hey, you said you know I’m not dead!

 Point being I need a little transparency. I don’t normally raise issues but when I do I already know I’m just hoping for the truth.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

As far as I know it’s no longer an issue. He’s apparently in a new relationship as well so that helps.

 Yeah I totally get the compliment thing but again it was weird because I knew about it. Asked her about the doctor and got the response oh god he’s so annoying, he’s a loser we all can’t stand him blah blah.

then when it finally came out I was like I understand you are going to people attractive I know you’re not dead. Next time it got discussed she was like hey, you said you know I’m not dead!

 Point being I need a little transparency. I don’t normally raise issues but when I do I already know I’m just hoping for the truth.

 

Is there anyone you're interested in at work? I wonder if you're projecting here. Focus on the good work you're both doing with better communication and division of labour in the house. 

Your fear is her leaving you and you just may be pushing her away in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Friddle32]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Is there anyone you're interested in at work? I wonder if you're projecting here. Focus on the good work you're both doing with better communication and division of labour in the house. 

Your fear is her leaving you and you just may be pushing her away in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What makes you think I would be interested in someone else when I’m so focused on this relationship? lol

[glows]

Just now, Friddle32 said:

What makes you think I would be interested in someone else when I’m so focused on this relationship? lol

I think you're more focused on what you don't have rather than what you do have. And I wonder if you may think you can find better elsewhere.

[Friddle32]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you're more focused on what you don't have rather than what you do have. And I wonder if you may think you can find better elsewhere.

I just want honesty and trust and this situation has put me on edge.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

 Point being I need a little transparency. I don’t normally raise issues but when I do I already know I’m just hoping for the truth.

It doesn't seem like transparency is the issue.

In the midst of all this, you seem much more concerned about these men being "hot" or better than you in some way than anything else.

Why did you both grow distant apart from marriage and having a child?

Did you begin to withdraw from your wife initially?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

It’s just the thinking I’m stupid when I can hear it and smell it and she’s like idk what you’re talking about.

Since you smell it and know what it is and she's the on who was vaping, why do you need to address this with her?  Just let it go and move on.

[Friddle32]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It doesn't seem like transparency is the issue.

In the midst of all this, you seem much more concerned about these men being "hot" or better than you in some way than anything else.

Why did you both grow distant apart from marriage and having a child?

Did you begin to withdraw from your wife initially?

Well hot is just what her and her friend at work were referring to the doctor as. Texting saying oh my god, the hot doctor on the 2nd floor complimented the s*** out of me today and I’m sweating!!”

 The other guy I just know that they share a common interest in cooking and the picture caption of them together said something to the effect of “there’s only so many people in this world you can hang out with all day and talk about your favorite chefs and food network shows, oh this boy 😘”

i guess it just hits me because that seems like her dream guy. Handsome chef that she continues to keep up with.

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

I just want honesty and trust and this situation has put me on edge.

It sounds like you're constantly trying to catch her in lies, setting her up to fail, stop it or you will lose her?

[Friddle32]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since you smell it and know what it is and she's the on who was vaping, why do you need to address this with her?  Just let it go and move on.

I smell it after she leaves for work. I’m not making a big deal of it. I make a casual joke about it being a long day and she denies it.

 Just seems a silly thing to lie about. Makes me go well if you lie about something I have direct evidence for that you know I don’t care about…

Edited June 22, 2022 by Friddle32