Tough time and struggling (I'm the OW)

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You pursued a bad situation because you were in a bad place. It's that simple

If you were a divorced single parent, you probably would not have pursued this cheating, lying co-worker.

Get the divorce going asap. Be the plaintiff and get your ducks in a row.

Cease all contact with this man. Keep communication with your estranged husband strictly about children only.

I think this is solid advice, because following it would lead OP into a much better place a few years down the line.

But it will require a lot of strength, conficence and clarity. Reading as OP spills her heart, she’s in a place of hurt and lacking in these areas (though the clarity is definitely improving over the course of her posts — that’s a hopeful sign).

Is there any advice for the short term? OP seems desperate for some love and compassion. Probably the reason she got drawn into the affair earlier. Stepping out of the affair is a good and courageous move, but what will help her to find the strength?

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Is there any advice for the short term? OP seems desperate for some love and compassion. Probably the reason she got drawn into the affair earlier. Stepping out of the affair is a good and courageous move, but what will help her to find the strength?

Focus on her children. I would find my strength in the children and I would do it for the children. 

As has been said before, there are many opportunities to find support that are healthier for OP than an extramarital affair. A counsellor, a best friend, a family member, her church community, making a new friend (who is not a married man) - there are other people who would be willing to offer support, this MM is likely not the only option. Journaling may be helpful or she can continue to post on this board. Go to your doctor OP if you are depressed or anxious. Exercise is helpful. Go to a yoga class or join a running group. Be in nature - walk, garden, play with your children. My point being - there are many options to find comfort, meaning, and purpose - that don’t involve a dead end relationship that is going to hurt his family and bring you heart ache. But, you will need to put the effort into choosing something different - and the longer you stay in this affair, the more difficult it will become to turn this ship around…

Edited June 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

I don't see this affair ending until there's a shift in priorities, less importance placed on gaining the affections of a MM or staying in his good graces.

I agree with focusing on your kids and starting the divorce process. These are serious adulting decisions that take time, resources and can be a complete drain, OP. It's not easy to divorce someone you've been married to for some time and dealing with the mundane and legal process of divorce is almost too much for some to even think about, let alone address but it's something that has to be done if the marriage is over. What's easier is in looking for hope, camaraderie, flirting and affection from a MM who appears fairly delusional about his married life and maintaining an AP. You both know it's not sustainable in the long run, both not acknowledging it's an affair and yet seeking one another out thinking that it can go on forever.

Take good care of yourself and your kids. Surround yourself with a strong support network, talk to trusted friends and family. Bailey has excellent advice on taking care of your physical health and mental health in tandem. That's incorporating exercise in your daily routine. Eat well, start asking yourself what kind of life you'd like to live free from confusion, pain, sadness or as relatively free from it as much as possible, and one day dating someone who is completely available (ie not a married person). I think you've been living under the judgment and oppression and the idea of possible reconciliation with your ex-h for too long, married to someone checked out for so long that you may have begun to follow suit. 

Don't give up so easily or become what you disliked in your husband. Keep moving towards another reality and one where you can sleep at night restfully and wake up knowing that you are not hiding parts of yourself or living in the shadow of someone else's marriage or vows.

 

[Eeejay]

12 hours ago, Will am I said:

Is there any advice for the short term? OP seems desperate for some love and compassion. Probably the reason she got drawn into the affair earlier. Stepping out of the affair is a good and courageous move, but what will help her to find the strength?

Keep reading and posting here is a start. The people here are good folks, and the majority of the people on this forum in particular are people that have experienced this situation - whether WS, OW/OM or BS. Their advice can sometimes be hard to stomach, especially if OP hasn't yet stepped back and tried to fully visualize the depth of the pain this situation could cause. It's still good advice. They're trying to get through to you BEFORE.

Before you fall in love with the dude and get even more broken. Before the condom fails and you end up pregnant. Before his wife finds out and you have to carry the burden of being partially responsible for the emotional destruction of another human being. Before those kids - one of which is a brand new baby - end up in a broken home because their dad couldn't keep it in his pants. OP, you don't sound like a bad person. You sound like a traumatized, hurt, confused person who is using maladaptive coping techniques to get you through. You're using him - this affair - where other people would drink, smoke or use drugs to escape their reality. But you have GOT to think about the collateral damage or this thing that you say you know isn't going anywhere could ruin many lives, including yours.

Find counseling. Reach out to loved ones. Find something that brings you joy so that you can rediscover how awesome you really are - don't seek your own comfort at the expense of other innocent people. You need to stop with the justifications - no, he hasn't left his wife. Yes, it is just as bad as what your H and his OW did to you. If anything, maybe it's worse in a way because of the pregnancy/baby, and at least your H told you and left you - this guy is lying to and gaslighting his wife. That is immensely damaging, psychologically. Ask yourself what kind of person cheats on his pregnant/postpartum wife - then ask yourself what kind of person would be okay with being a part of that, and don't allow yourself any justifications, excuses or rationalizations.

Is that the person you want to be? If not, then change your situation.

[Bittersweetie]

I just, again, want to point out that choosing to engage in an affair with a coworker at this point in your life is a very dangerous choice. I imagine you want to continue to work after you divorce and support yourself and your children. In addition to everything else, please do not jeopardize your own future by continuing this relationship with someone you work with. You may think other colleagues don't see or know, but people do and people gossip and I assume you don't want future career prospects tainted by rumors of what you are doing now. Despite everything the blowback usually reflects more negatively on the female and that is you.

Do you truly want to jeopardize your job and possibly your career over this MM? 

[mark clemson]

On 6/5/2022 at 12:11 AM, Sunny8 said:

 but our conversations when we met and daily messages included sexual content, would this still be classed as an EA? I think he has been in denial that just because we haven’t done anything physical again (until last week), it was no longer an A. I expect things will have changed again so it’s pretty irrelevant but I’m just curious whether our behaviour has been an A throughout irrespective of PA or EA. 

There's no real way to pin down the whole "EA" vs a "friendship" vs "meaningless flirting" thing. Different people have different standards. I'd say if you were sending daily messages with sexual content - at that point it's pretty unambiguously an EA (at least to me).

Prior to that - it sounds like at some point it slipped into an EA. Exactly when that point was would I think be debatable. Some people have little issue with e.g. their spouse e.g. lightly flirting or dancing with someone else while others have major problems with it and consider it an affair or betrayal, etc.

Edited June 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[Will am I]

12 hours ago, Eeejay said:

Reach out to loved ones. Find something that brings you joy so that you can rediscover how awesome you really are

Yes. This exactly.

And it does not have to be a man, it does not have to be a flirt or any kind of romantic and/or sexual attention.

Romance is a fast and powerful source of affirmation and a strong medicine against the lonely and rejected feelings that OP must have experienced so strongly.

But jumping from one broken relationship into another less than ideal relationship is usually not the best fix in the longer run. 
 

I stepped out of an EA (in which I was the MM) a while ago. I went into the affair feeling lonely in my marriage. For a few weeks it was bliss, until I started to feel more and more conflicted and didn’t want to be “that guy” (who cheats on his wife with a much younger woman).

As powerful as the feelings for OW were in taking my mind off the loneliness and depressed feelings I was experiencing, it was never her who brought me real healing. The strongest healing I have experienced thus far has come from confiding in a few male friends. Lengthy and honest talks, in which my conversation partners were not judgemental but they didn’t sugar coat their opinions about my infidelity either. This has a more profound and durable effect on me that comforting myself in the infatuation with OW has.

I wish that also for you, OP. May you find at least one close friend who will lend you her shoulder but also her honest opinion about your decisions.

[Sunny8]

thank you everyone for the replies and kind words/advice. I haven’t been on for a few days because I have been very emotional. 
 

My kids are my No1 priority and I have been throwing myself into keeping them happy. I’ve always been v hands on but since what happened I’ve been making even more of an effort to be present and interactive. I also save all my house chores etc for when they’re with him so I can literally just focus on them in my time. Another worry I currently have is that despite my efforts they are enjoying their time with their dad more. He’s letting them get away with more and keeping them up late etc and being fun. The youngest (who has always been a mummy’s boy) has started saying he wants to see daddy or he wants daddy to take him here or there. 
 

otherwise, I’m also spending a lot of time on my own when they’re with him. Im lucky where I live that we have the countryside on the doorstep and go on a lot of hikes/walks. I also go to the gym or run most days. In terms of friendships 2 in particular helped me immensely through the first 7 months or so. They’re still amazing friends and I can’t thank them enough. But I’ve pulled away a little as I feel like a fraud and cannot seek their support because of what’s happened with MM. One in particular, her husband left 2.5 years ago in the same circumstances as mine - H had an affair and left her. So we’ve spent so long criticising the OW and here I am, so I can’t properly confide in them because I’m ashamed what they would say and don’t deserve their support. 
 

My session with the counsellor earlier this week was quite tough. I explained I was completely conflicted because I feel immense guilt but being completely honest with myself, I don’t want to give up what I have with MM. Probably for all the reasons everyone has said above (coping mechanism etc). Anyone who knows me knows I’m not the kind of person to do this - I’ve never slept around (quite the opposite) and extremely loyal. So this has shocked and disappointed me just as much as it would anyone else. I just wish I wasn’t so naturally happy when I was with him or that we didn’t laugh so much when we’re talking or together. 
 

I know it’s not right even the contact we have now. I wish I had a glimpse into the future even just a few months from now. I get I have to make myself happy from within and not seek it from another person. I’m hoping continuing my time with the kids and new experiences with them (we have our first holiday in nearly 3years  due to covid coming up this summer). And also that I can let go of my insecurities of comparing myself to my H as a parent. 
 

thanks again everyone. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Sunny8 said:

I just wish I wasn’t so naturally happy when I was with him or that we didn’t laugh so much when we’re talking or together. 

Hi Sunny,

Glad to hear that you are keeping busy, hiking and walking, spending time with your children and friends. Just wanted to send hugs - we all need a hug when it’s been a difficult week! 

As to the quote above, you realize that’s much akin to a child telling their parent that they wish every day could be Christmas. Of course, you are happy when you are with him - it’s all things wonderful, it’s new and fun, he provides affection and validation, it offers an escape from the everyday stress of life, raising kids, work, and divorce. But, it’s not sustainable long term - you know that. It’s not going to bring you true and lasting happiness. Over time, it begin to wear on you to the point that it chips away at your mental and emotional health. 

In much the same way that Christmas passes and vacation ends, we all have to go back to work and find our peace and our joy in the tasks of everyday living. Glad to hear that you have counselling. I wish you well as you continue to work on moving forward and building a better life for yourself and your children…

Edited June 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[LynneVicious]

If anything else, try to think of how this affair will affect your kids and custody/visitation etc. you say you are present in their lives, but if you’re texting your AP or thinking about him all the time, you are not.

Be honest with yourself: are you really giving your kids 100% while they’re going through a very difficult time as their parents have split up? You’re not if you’re preoccupied with the mm. 

For the sake of your kids, understand that this relationship with the mm has an early expiration date. And the end result is catastrophic. It wont end well. It never ends well. And you’re exposing your kids to all kinds of unknown variables. Just read the hundreds of ow/om threads here  You’ll see the same result over and over.

You really need to find your inner fortitude and deal with the pain of ending this now, rather than drag this out to the inevitable catastrophic end result… Rip the bandaid off now before it’s too late  

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by LynneVicious

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sunny8 said:

I wish I had a glimpse into the future even just a few months from now

Read around on these forums for other OW's stories - that's your glimpse into the future: broken promises, vague plans to reconnect, hot-and-cold, confusion, and tears for you. 

8 hours ago, Sunny8 said:

I just wish I wasn’t so naturally happy when I was with him

I get what you mean, but the truth is that you haven't really  been "with" him. You only know what it's like to be around him when he has zero commitments or obligations to you, so of course you're getting the light and breezy side of him. Of course you're just getting the good stuff, because what you have with him is not based on real life. It's a fantasy so it's easy to keep it fun and exciting. But there is every chance it wouldn't be so thrilling and amazing once real life kicked in. There is a reason affairs more often than not don't transition into real relationships very well. 

 

[Will am I]

It’s not fair to compare an affair with a marriage. New love is always more exciting than old love. And affairs are centered on fun and excitement and love and sex, whereas marriages consist for major parts of commitment, responsibility and the mundane task of running a household.

When you take a realistic look at your AP and envision what it would be like to be married with them… I doubt if it would be much of an improvement. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, Sunny8 said:

I know it’s not right even the contact we have now. I wish I had a glimpse into the future even just a few months from now. I get I have to make myself happy from within and not seek it from another person. I’m hoping continuing my time with the kids and new experiences with them (we have our first holiday in nearly 3years  due to covid coming up this summer). And also that I can let go of my insecurities of comparing myself to my H as a parent. 
 

thanks again everyone. 

Keep doing this and eventually wean off contact. His presence will matter less and less as you want more and more for yourself. Frankly this is less to do with MM, more to do with staying married to a man who betrayed you and then criticized you. Once you’re rid of your H it’s not likely MM would matter.

Have you filed for divorce yet? What’s the decision on your marriage?