Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: I don't think meeting her bandmates or asking again about weeknights will prove or disprove anything. Why would she be with you then? What's bugging you seems to be that she is cold and distance and the friendzone thing, even though you accept it. If we saw more of each other she wouldn't have time to date others. At least if I met her bandmates I could rule out any interest she has in the healthy band member (if there even is a band). Then I wouldn't care if she if had band practice without me. I know it's distrustful, but given the fact she does keep me at arm's length and keeps telling me she would like me to meet them, but then gives me all kinds of reasons to dissuade me, it makes me wonder what's going on. I feel like she's hiding something about this from me. I just don't know why. If she says she wants to be friends first, it can be taken as we're not exclusive, which only adds to the doubt about why she's keeping me away from her band members. If she won't bring me to meet these guys anytime soon then I'm just going to tell her, since you'd rather be friends first I'm assuming you're not interested in being an exclusive and see what she says. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) Part of getting to know each other is bringing each other into your lives so you do feel more comfortable. Isn't that the point? How am I (or she) supposed to progress if we/she doesn't do that? With so many dishonest people in the world should I assume she's being honest in what she tells me and go on blind faith? I could go out with others and not hang my hat on her, but I like her a lot and don't want to assume that she has other interests if this whole band member thing is all innocent, but at this point I can't even be sure there is a band or if she's even home and out with someone else. She doesn't seem to care what I'm doing during the week or on Sundays. I don't know why if she's so interested in "getting to know me". I don't know. Things are going well except for this one little hiccup. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 Maybe dating someone who's in a band isn't a good idea for you. You seem unusually worried and anxious about meeting her band members. Sure, there was that one time where she said she'd introduce you to them and then went back on it. Perhaps that's still weighing on you. If you're seeing someone who's inconsistent that's all part of the dating process. Make sure you don't waste your time making the same mistakes repeatedly. If you're the kind of person who dates exclusively quite quickly or prefer seeing one person at a time, you can mention your preferences early on. That again boils down to compatibility and someone may disagree with you yet be a decent match overall. The point is you don't agree on the way you approach dating. It's not a reason to keep hanging on to something unfulfilling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 3 minutes ago, glows said: Maybe dating someone who's in a band isn't a good idea for you. You seem unusually worried and anxious about meeting her band members. Sure, there was that one time where she said she'd introduce you to them and then went back on it. Perhaps that's still weighing on you. If you're seeing someone who's inconsistent that's all part of the dating process. Make sure you don't waste your time making the same mistakes repeatedly. If you're the kind of person who dates exclusively quite quickly or prefer seeing one person at a time, you can mention your preferences early on. That again boils down to compatibility and someone may disagree with you yet be a decent match overall. The point is you don't agree on the way you approach dating. It's not a reason to keep hanging on to something unfulfilling. Should I ask her if we're being exclusive and if that's what she would like? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 49 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: She doesn't seem to care what I'm doing during the week or on Sundays. I don't know why if she's so interested in "getting to know me". This is a dealbreaker. I mean, where is this person? Is she even here? It feels like thin air. You may like the idea or potential of what she could be, some of her mannerisms and it's still early days but hearing this is sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 I agree OP. Time to pull the plug on this. I really don't think she lives up to your ideal so best you part ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: Should I ask her if we're being exclusive and if that's what she would like? I think you should say what you would like with her and be more assertive/confident in that if that's what you want. Ask if she'd like to date exclusively. It's a yes or no question. If she doesn't seem ready, you then make the decision on whether you want to keep spending time with her. You seem to know enough about her character and habits to gauge whether this is someone you want to keep being patient with. Like I said before, sometimes people really have no clue what they want and you have to be mindful (also respectful) of that and move along. Edited May 25, 2022 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, glows said: This is a dealbreaker. I mean, where is this person? Is she even here? It feels like thin air. You may like the idea or potential of what she could be, some of her mannerisms and it's still early days but hearing this is sad. She did asked me if I have anything planned during the week when we spoke on Monday and I told her not at the moment, but she doesn't inquire to see if I am doing anything. She may ask after the fact when we speak or see each other, but usually only if I ask her first. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I agree OP. Time to pull the plug on this. I really don't think she lives up to your ideal so best you part ways. I'll have to talk with her and see where it goes this Saturday. Maybe the 7th date (a full day and night of being together) will bring us closer to where I can really let her know I'd like to see her during the week in some capacity. Just like the weekend days we have to start doing weekday nights at some point. It can't go on just weekends forever. I know I'm supposed to be aloof and not care. That's why I don't contact her after I call her on Monday until our next date. She texted me on Wednesday (the 18th) in the morning to wish me a great day, but that was it. That was after I spoke with her on the previous Monday and told her I'd like her to lead a little bit more as far as communication. We'll see if she does that again today or tomorrow. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) My friend, To know what is in another person´s mind may be difficult even if possible. What more times than not is being an excercise of futility. Whatever may be her conjectural reasons, they are already told by her choices and material behaviour. At risk of being wrong, given those facts, your ages and related, I have a not so good impression of what those facts mean for you. She is not as much into you. Yes, she feels nice you being around, chasing her to the point she allows, being a reliable auxiliary wheel to her already arranged life. You are now her orbiter. May be a privileged one, probably but not certainly the only one. An orbiter in any case. Do as you find desirable, but do not expect much more than what you have from her in any hoped future. I hope to be wrong anyhow. Best wishes. Edited May 25, 2022 by Uruktopi 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 Just now, Helicon5 said: I'll have to talk with her and see where it goes this Saturday. Maybe the 7th date (a full day and night of being together) will bring us closer. How come? It's clear from your posts about her that there are a number of things that are unsatisfactory to you. Certainly, there are some very valid reasons. Nevertheless, what has emerged from what you have said so far has been that you have been questioning what you are experiencing more than you've been enjoying it. There is an overly anxious quality about it. I wonder, if this has played a part in any of your previous relationships, why things happened so quickly. Furthermore, why would you want to be exclusive with someone when you are so uncertain about their character? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: My friend, To know what is in another person´s mind may be difficult even if possible. What more times than not is being an excercise of futility. Whatever may be her conjectural reasons, they are already told by her choices and material behaviour. At risk of being wrong, given those facts, your ages and related, I have a not so good impression of what those facts mean for you. She is not as much into you. Yes, she feels nice you being around, chasing her to the point she allows, being a reliable auxiliary wheel to her already arranged life. You are now her orbiter. May be a privileged one, probably but not certainly the only one. An orbiter in any case. Do as you find desirable, but do not expect much more than what you have from her in any hoped future. I hope to be wrong anyhow. Best wishes. Thank you. That was very sweet. We'll see if this Saturday is a turning point since we're spending all day and night together. I'll let her know it would be nice to see each together during the week as well as a day on the weekend (2 days a week isn't expecting too much). If she doesn't ask and blows it off getting together during the week this coming week I'm not going to go on our 8th date, even if we make plans. I'll make up some excuse why we can't get together. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 21 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: I'll have to talk with her and see where it goes this Saturday. This is exactly what you said about your date last Friday: On 5/16/2022 at 2:31 PM, Helicon5 said: Either way, this weekend is going to be relationshippy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: How come? It's clear from your posts about her that there are a number of things that are unsatisfactory to you. Certainly, there are some very valid reasons. Nevertheless, what has emerged from what you have said so far has been that you have been questioning what you are experiencing more than you've been enjoying it. There is an overly anxious quality about it. I wonder, if this has played a part in any of your previous relationships, why things happened so quickly. Furthermore, why would you want to be exclusive with someone when you are so uncertain about their character? It would let me know how serious she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, introverted1 said: This is exactly what you said about your date last Friday: The difference was we spent two nights in a row together. She asked me if I wanted to go out on Saturday night. On Monday we talked about spending quiet nights at home and watching Seinfeld. I want to see that happen during the week, not just on the weekend. I'm going to try to get her to give me a definite on Tuesday morning or afternoon (same on Thursday) whether or not she has band practice those nights, or text her in the afternoons and ask her. Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 11 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: If she doesn't ask and blows it off getting together during the week this coming week I'm not going to go on our 8th date, even if we make plans. I'll make up some excuse why we can't get together. May be I´m old school, it wouldn´t be a surprise as I´m a full aged boomer. Allow me to say what I would / wouldn´t do. Always but specially with a lady, be loyal to your word and already mutually arranged plans even if you will not ask for future dates. If you decide this is over, don´t give faked reasons. Say it as a gentleman by both being gentle but also truthful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: May be I´m old school, it wouldn´t be a surprise as I´m a full aged boomer. Allow me to say what I would / wouldn´t do. Always but specially with a lady, be loyal to your word and already mutually arranged plans even if you will not ask for future dates. If you decide this is over, don´t give faked reasons. Say it as a gentleman by both being gentle but also truthful. I agree about being a gentleman. I would never stand her up like her friends guy did. The thing is is she being loyal to her word saying she'd like to have me over to meet her band friends or her dad then not follow through? She's asked me several times if I'd like to meet her band guys, but doesn't. If they don't practice there's no reason why she shouldn't see me on Tuesday or Thursday unless she just doesn't want to. The question is why wouldn't she? Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 3 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: The thing is is she being loyal to her word saying she'd like to have me over to meet her band friends or her dad then not follow through? I don´t know, you don´t know, just perhaps neither she. May be she is not. IMO. not a good reason to be near to unloyal yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) Would you all agree that it's not unreasonable to want to see her twice a week at this point? One night during the week and one day or night on the weekend? Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: Would you all agree that it's not unreasonable to want to see her twice a week at this point? One day during the week and one day on the weekend? I would say that is quite consistent with your expectancies and hopes. Don´t blame her if it´s not what she haves in mind. If you both end choosing the same path, good. Else do not settle for less than you want 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: I don´t know, you don´t know, just perhaps neither she. May be she is not. IMO. not a good reason to be near to unloyal yourself. We'll if I let her know on Saturday that I'd like to see her during the week and she still doesn't do it how do I let her know without breaking up with her that I don't like this little box she has me in? Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 11 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: Would you all agree that it's not unreasonable to want to see her twice a week at this point? One night during the week and one day or night on the weekend? I think you are focused on the wrong things. It is her overall lack of reciprocity that should concern you, not whether she wants you to text when you get home at 4am or wants to see you twice a week. She is keeping you at bay for reasons no one here can know. Maybe she is low trust. Maybe she's not attracted to you. Maybe she thinks (intellectually) you are what she "should" want but isn't there emotionally. Maybe she's not ready for a relationship. Maybe maybe maybe. We can speculate all day long and there is no way to know whose speculation, if anyone's, is right. The only person who can determine if this "relationship" is on the right track is YOU. Does she give you what you need to feel happy, secure, cared for? If yes, carry on. If no, move on. It is really that simple. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 9 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: I would say that is quite consistent with your expectancies and hopes. Don´t blame her if it´s not what she haves in mind. If you both end choosing the same path, good. Else do not settle for less than you want If all she has in mind is just limiting me to weekends then it's going to be adios muchachos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helicon5 Posted May 25, 2022 Author Share Posted May 25, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I think you are focused on the wrong things. It is her overall lack of reciprocity that should concern you, not whether she wants you to text when you get home at 4am or wants to see you twice a week. She is keeping you at bay for reasons no one here can know. Maybe she is low trust. Maybe she's not attracted to you. Maybe she thinks (intellectually) you are what she "should" want but isn't there emotionally. Maybe she's not ready for a relationship. Maybe maybe maybe. We can speculate all day long and there is no way to know whose speculation, if anyone's, is right. The only person who can determine if this "relationship" is on the right track is YOU. Does she give you what you need to feel happy, secure, cared for? If yes, carry on. If no, move on. It is really that simple. She isn't at the moment, but that's not to say that that won't happen. I have to find out the scoop on Saturday first. Would she like to get together during the week? I'll try to get her to give me a definite day. If you want to hear something funny, if we do watch episodes of Seinfeld this Saturday night maybe I'll put on "The Implant" episode where Jerry says to Elaine, "George is on his 9th date and still hasn't gotten anywhere with her, and Elaine says, Jeez, what's her problem?" 😂😂 I'd love to see the look on her face. 😂😂😂 Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 25, 2022 Share Posted May 25, 2022 47 minutes ago, Helicon5 said: The question is why wouldn't she? I can explain the two main Godel Theorems in less than 30 lines. Your question es out of my scope, sorry- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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