Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

I woke up this morning with a not so great feeling about the whole thing. I don't know. 🙄 I have to admit that after our conversation on Monday where I made her go 'awwe' because I told her I'd rather have her at my place watching Seinfeld instead of watching it alone, it isn't sitting well that she hasn't contacted me to say hi or ask if I'd like to get together before our date on Saturday. Considering that I have been so sweet to her, is there any 'missing' on her part? Normally when someone's sweet enough to make you go 'awwe', it draws them closer to the point where they miss you and there's a longing. Band or not why would she let me hang till Saturday if she thinks I'm so sweet? This I don't get.

I thought about texting her tomorrow morning if I don't hear from her today and ask her if she has band practice tomorrow night, but Im not sure if I should. I don't want to push it before our date. She did ask me if I'd like to do something after we go guitar shopping on Saturday. I don't think I gave her a definite on what we can do. After the guitar store I'm just going to suggest got back to my place to relax and watch Seinfeld.

I forgot to mention that when we had dinner at my place she changed her mind and decided that she would drive herself over instead of having me picking her up. She claimed she wanted to because I was making us dinner and she didn't want to obligate me to have to pick her up and drop her back off at her house, then drive home again. Yea, maybe she felt that way, but I don't think that was the reason. I think she wanted to leave herself and 'out' just in case things weren't going well. I'll see how it goes this Saturday after the music store if I ask her if she wants to come back to my place, then see if she wants to stop off at her place to pick up her own car or allows me to keep driving. Her allowing me to drive her back to my place would show a lot of trust. I could do one of two things, since it would be the 2nd time having her over my place I could make moves to see how far she's willing to go, or ask her if she'd just like to cuddle and crash the couch till morning. Do you think her agreeing to spend the night even without sex would be a big step?

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[introverted1]

11 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Would her agreeing to spend the night even without sex be a big step?

Why would you do this?  You are well past the age of platonic sleep overs with friends.  And no, it wouldn't be a big step.  It would just further solidify you as her friend.

I read a lot of excuse-making into your responses:  maybe she's timid, maybe she's distrustful, maybe she likes to go slow, etc. But even putting aside any sort of physical escalation, she has done nothing to actually advance this "relationship":  she has yet to organize a date, reach out asking to see you, or otherwise taken any steps to indicate she is anything more than a passive participant.

She's a grown woman!  And it's been 2 months.  Either she wants to move things forward or she doesn't.  You are operating as if, with enough patience and "good guy" behavior on your part, she will come around.  If she is that damaged that she cannot do more than allow you to do the "pick me" dance, I am not sure what you think will change down the road. 

Is this really what you want for your life?

Edited May 25, 2022 by introverted1

[Helicon5]

15 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She has yet to organize a date, reach out asking to see you, or otherwise taken any steps to indicate she is anything more than a passive participant.

She's a grown woman!  And it's been 2 months.  Either she wants to move things forward or she doesn't.  You are operating as if, with enough patience and "good guy" behavior on your part, she will come around.  If she is that damaged that she cannot do more than allow you to do the "pick me" dance, I am not sure what you think will change down the road. 

Is this really what you want for your life?

Actually she has reached out and setup a date. We went out on Friday night, then she hit me up late Saturday afternoon out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go out again to hangout with her and her friend. She didn't have to do that. I also asked her what she would like to do this week when I called her Monday night. She said we could go to the music stores and asked if I'd like to do something after that. So yes, she is putting in some effort and planning.

With that being said, even though we'll have a full day on Saturday together I am a little surprised she wouldn't want to get together sooner as well. Am I asking too much? Or should I just wait till Saturday?

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

So while your out with her friend, out anywhere for that matter, do guys cuddle or kiss or sit snuggled in hold hands, anything ?

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

she hit me up late Saturday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out with her and her friend.

I am referring to an actual date, where she plans an outing, picks you up, pays, etc.  Not a casual invite to accompany her on an outing she already has scheduled with a friend.

6 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I also asked her what she would like to do this week when I called her Monday night. She said we could go to the music stores

See above - also not a date.

You seem very invested in her in spite of her lack of reciprocity.  I hope you get what you want from this.

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by introverted1

[Helicon5]

5 minutes ago, chillii said:

So while your out with her friend, out anywhere for that matter, do guys cuddle or kiss or sit snuggled in hold hands, anything ?

We've kiss passionately, but I backed off because we're at her place with her daughter there. We didn't kiss when she was at my place. I didn't want to push it because it was the first time having her here. I reach out to hold her hand and we do, but she doesn't do that first, in the car or anywhere. I know I'm being overly considerate.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

But around her friend or when your out places, how does she act ,how are you two together at those times.

[Helicon5]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I am referring to an actual date, where she plans an outing, picks you up, pays, etc.  Not a casual invite to accompany her on an outing she already has scheduled with a friend.

See above - also not a date.

You seem very invested in her in spite of her lack of reciprocity.  I hope you get what you want from this.

 

If you look at it that way, no, she hasn't done anything of those things.

I hope so as well. We'll see on Saturday how far things go. Hopefully she'll surprise the crap out of me.

[Helicon5]

11 minutes ago, chillii said:

But around her friend or when your out places, how does she act ,how are you two together at those times.

We slow danced last time in front of her friends. We may have kissed during the dance, but I don't remember. They could obviously see how I feel about her. When we got back to the table we converse closely (cheek to cheek) and she is sweet, smiley and talkative with me, but she doesn't put her arm around me, hold my hand or try to kiss. She may not be big on public affection, although it doesn't explain her lack of it anywhere else unless I initiate.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

Tbh , just on those times and things you've described, not really anything a miss there. l mean she's not 15 she's not gonna wanna be all over you in front of them so soon but you danced and kissed and sat close so it's not like she was hiding that you are together as such.

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

She's never not replied to my texts without positivity and enthusiasm, or when I call her. She's always happy to hear from me. When I text she'll reply back within an hour and a half, and when I call she'll pick up the phone after the second or third ring.

[chillii]

Yeah right , l mean that's all good stuff even if she isn't the most outgoing lady with you. 

She's also wanted you to meet people , even her dad, best friend , forget the dad didn't happen it's probably nothing, someone was busy or something. l dunno , from what you say it's def' not all bad.

Could she feel a little intimidated , you being well established and performing and such , or worried about the reputation of band guys ?

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

16 minutes ago, chillii said:

Tbh , just on those times and things you've described, not really anything a miss there. l mean she's not 15 she's not gonna wanna be all over in front of them so soon but you danced and kissed and sat close so it's not like she was hiding that you are together as such.

No, not at all. Her friends know we're together, and so does the band and band friends as well. It is obvious. It isn't like she tries to distance herself from me. I was very confident with her on Saturday night. We sat at a full table, but her friends were in the way of the band view of people behind her at our table, so they moved to another table 10 feet away. She stayed next to me for a while, but I told her I don't mind if she wants to go sit with them, which she did for about 10 minutes before she invited me over to sit next to her at their table. I did it to show her I don't mind her being with her friends without me and then I'm not worried about her being fair game in the bar not having a guy sitting next to her. Thankfully no guys made and he moves to come over to them. LOL

She was hands down the cutest woman in the bar. She stands out like a sore thumb. On a couple of our dates we have told each other that we're glad we met. She's never not replied without positivity and enthusiasm when I text her or call her. When I text she'll reply back within the hour and a half, and when I call she'll pick up the phone after the second or third ring.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

Ahhh , man ya see it's all in the detail and that all sounds really nice. l dunno.

She might be just trying to pace it atm , and wkdays and such. Or maybe she has things going on she's just not ready to get into yet who knows, maybe she's been single a long time but l doubt they're anything bad going on by the sounds of all that.

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

24 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah right , l mean that's all good stuff even if she isn't the most outgoing lady with you. 

She's also wanted you to meet people , even her dad, best friend , forget the dad didn't happen it's probably nothing, someone was busy or something. l dunno , from what you say it's def' not all bad.

Could she feel a little intimidated , you being well established and performing and such?

No, it isn't that bad.

Yes, it could be that. Maybe she's worried about blowing it with me by being forward because I told her my ex's were that way. It's a possibility. When I told her that after our first date she was like "So, that's the reason why you're so forward, because you're used to women who are like that".

Despite the fact that she hasn't been overly affectionate or kept promises about me meeting her dad and her bandmates, I can't hold it against her because I'm not sure why yet. She does have different reasons for putting it off, but I'm trying not to assume the worst. We'll see what happens on Saturday. I'm going to bring it up to her that I would like to be closer including spending time during the week and meeting these band guys she always talks about. It would be another baby step in the right direction to show she feels confident in me and wants us to progress.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

Wouldn't even bother with her band guys just let it happen it will when it's ready and she's comfortable, only been a few mths , ps, your sounding pushy, atm that's her space, she'll let you in when she's ready.. Confidence in ea other takes time man, it's earned, like respect/ trust.

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

12 minutes ago, chillii said:

Wouldn't even bother with her band guys just let it happen it will when it's ready and she's comfortable, only been a few mths. Confidence in ea other takes time man, it's earned, like respect.

I'm trying. I've been BS'ed in the past, so now I'm always on lookout for it, especially now being with someone who wants to take things so slow. I'm not used to that. I wearing my heart on my sleeve and been accused of falling for people too quick. I trying not to with her. I'm surprising myself with my patience, which I guess is a good thing. I have shown slight frustration, but nothing too bad. I think she understands.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

cancelled

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

22 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah , but she probably has to don't forget. She's either smart enough to know by now not to go jumping in feet and all anymore, a very slow burn , or it's lacking for her. Not sure which but with your times out and stuff, the other things, me , l def' wouldn't be writing it of just yet.

Yes, she wants to be sure because of her past with her 5 year relationship with the stalker - bully before she jumps into anything serious. Hence her wanting to be friends first and getting to know me. I still believe it isn't because she's not attracted to me sexually. I get the feeling she is by her body language. It's subtle, but it's there. Sex is great, but in reality it is better to hold off to get to know each other, so it isn't based on that, but how do I know when the time is right or when she's ready since she's not forward and waits for me to make the first move?

I can't be sure, but I may be the longest dating experience she's had since she ended things with her long time ex. I don't know. I do think it's a test of my patience for her. Like we've all been talking about, slow is supposedly good, but how slow is too slow? It isn't easy to put a label on. 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

Well , it's a few mths , but it isn't , so is it slow, or not , don't know but it sounds very wise and understandable of her part then , to me anyway.

But l wouldn't like to say yea or neigh tbh . Given things you've been talking about tonight be interesting what others are thinking now though.

Edited May 25, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm going to bring it up to her that I would like to be closer including spending time during the week and meeting these band guys she always talks about. 

Are you concerned that she is dating one of those band mates? Or that she is dating others during the week when she states she's busy?

[Helicon5]

4 minutes ago, chillii said:

Well , it's a few mths , but it isn't , so is it slow, or not , don't know but it sounds very wise and understandable of her part then , to me anyway.

But l wouldn't like to say yea or neigh tbh . Given things you've been talking about tonight be interesting what others are thinking now though.

It's been less than 2 months. About 7 weeks. 6 dates in 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure it'll be a "yay" with her. The question is how long is it going to take for her to give herself completely.

[Helicon5]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you concerned that she is dating one of those band mates? Or that she is dating others during the week when she states she's busy?

Well being I can't verify anything there's a possibility. Am I a little concerned? Naturally. Who wouldn't be? I could ask her if we are being exclusive or if she would like to be.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Yes, it could be that. Maybe she's worried about blowing it with me by being forward because I told her my ex's were that way. It's a possibility. When I told her that after our first date she was like "So, that's the reason why you're so forward, because you're used to women who are like that".

Perhaps this explains why she hasn't moved as swiftly as her predecessors.

If someone told me after our first date that all of his ex-partners are "fast," my first reaction would be "he's telling me that he prefers a slower pace."  I might also think about why he was attracted to that type of dynamic. Remember that as a lead singer for your band, women are likely to throw themselves at you all the time physically. Could be that she's disinterested in being a fast notch. 

I don't know what each of your dates entails, but it seems like neither one of you has planned much beyond going over to her house, hers to yours, and seeing you perform.

However, I think after six dates, she would be more inclined to plan a romantic outing for you and her. I remember once I suggested to a man I was dating about going to an outdoor cinema that was in a beautiful park and he kind of shrugged at that idea, so I felt kinda funny about planning dates.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Well being that I have no proof of anything there's definitely a possibility. Am I a little concerned? Naturally. Who wouldn't be?

I don't think meeting her bandmates or asking again about weeknights will prove or disprove anything.  Why would she be with you then?

What's bugging you seems to be that she is cold and distance and the friendzone thing, even though you accept it.