Is this ethical?

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, 7CLBH said:

@Alpaca when you say 'when the workshop was over', do you mean to say the whole course?

 

Yes, the whole course.

 

[7CLBH]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, the whole course.

 

Ok, thanks. Then no, it's not unethical since you've both waited for the course and assessment to end.

Enjoy your coffee date - you're quite right, you've committed to going so unless you have a solid reason not to go, it's all good

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, 7CLBH said:

Ok, thanks. Then no, it's not unethical since you've both waited for the course and assessment to end.

Enjoy your coffee date - you're quite right, you've committed to going so unless you have a solid reason not to go, it's all good

Duly noted. 👍

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounded like you were very conflicted about things.

Not anymore! 

Edited April 4, 2022 by Alpacalia

[BaileyB]

I would be very turned off by his frequent attempts to communicate. It seems quite pushy and not socially appropriate.

There is no reason why you can’t cancel coffee if that’s your choice. I would not give this man my telephone number or my address. 

[poppyfields]

On 3/31/2022 at 10:03 AM, Alpacalia said:

I just completed a Student Life Activity Workshop for College.

After the workshop was finished the instructor reached out to me on social media and asked if I would be interested in going out for coffee.

I'm not sure if this is exactly 'ethical'? 

He is a former student but now just runs these workshops I guess.

Whether it's ethical or not, it's HIS concern not yours.  Right?

Alpaca you're a pretty girl, you're gonna get hit on.  Best to take it all with a grain of salt, seriously.

Like your sister's friend who saw your pic on FB and wanted to fly hundreds of miles to meet you. 

Why overthink it?  

If you're interested, go meet for coffee, if you're not, don't.  It's only awkward if you make it awkward. 

Let HIM worry about the ethics of it, it's not your concern imo. 

Life's too short to worry about what it means when men hit on you other than they find you attractive and they have the confidence to act on their attraction.

Unless I'm missing something, it really is that simple.

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Whether it's ethical or not, it's HIS concern not yours.  Right?

Alpaca you're a pretty girl, you're gonna get hit on.  Best to take it all with a grain of salt, seriously.

Like your sister's friend who saw your pic on FB and wanted to fly hundreds of miles to meet you. 

Why overthink it?  

If you're interested, go meet for coffee, if you're not, don't.  It's only awkward if you make it awkward. 

Let HIM worry about the ethics of it, it's not your concern imo. 

Life's too short to worry about what it means when men hit on you other than they find you attractive and they have the confidence to act on their attraction.

Unless I'm missing something, it really is that simple.

 

Thank you for the advice.

I appreciate the nice compliment, as well.

Initially, I had a concern that 'maybe' he might not recognize boundaries.

When I mentioned I was headed to class, and he asked for coffee, and when I mentioned the next few days would be difficult, he proposed the next day, and then followed up by calling me through Facebook as I was going to class, I felt that he was disregarding what I was saying. And this happened all within a 24 hour period.

That's all.

Edited April 4, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thank you for the advice.

I appreciate the nice compliment, as well.

Initially, I had a concern that 'maybe' he might not recognize boundaries.

When I mentioned I was headed to class, and he asked for coffee, and when I mentioned the next few days would be difficult, he proposed the next day, and then followed up by calling me through Facebook as I was going to class, I felt that he was disregarding what I was saying. And this happened all within a 24 hour period.

That's all.

Lol, I hear ya, some men act like thirsty dogs sometimes, it can be a huge turn off and PITA.

But it comes with the territory when you're an attractive female. 

Again, try and take with a grain of salt if you can. I have, and I'm much more relaxed and happier for it. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, I hear ya, some men act like thirsty dogs sometimes, it can be a huge turn off and PITA.

But it comes with the territory when you're an attractive female. 

Again, try and take with a grain of salt if you can. I have, and I'm much more relaxed and happier for it. 

Yes, well, I already have one "thirsty dog" 🐶 and he likes bacon bits. 

Some guys trying to date the right way may be labeled as "thirsty" when they are being wrongly perceived as such. 

I am not referring to a man who shows genuine interest.

A guy that calls you when he says he’s going to call you, texts you back right away and makes plans is not "thirsty."

An aggressive approach usually looks like bombarding someone with frequent attempts at contact after you said "hey look, I'd like to keep in touch but I'm in the middle of running into class."

The two are different.

It doesn't matter. He thanked me for explaining that he must have missed what I said the first time.

That was a positive sign for me. 

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by Alpacalia

[dramafreezone]

On 3/31/2022 at 10:03 AM, Alpacalia said:

I just completed a Student Life Activity Workshop for College.

After the workshop was finished the instructor reached out to me on social media and asked if I would be interested in going out for coffee.

I'm not sure if this is exactly 'ethical'? 

He is a former student but now just runs these workshops I guess.

Since the event is over, then I don't see the issue.  Sounds like he was respectful towards you.  But if you don't feel comfortable then that's an entirely different issue.

Instructor/student dynamics can be tricky at times, but my mother and step-father met when she was his student in law school, still together after 30 years, so (shrugs)...  Whether or not there is a boundary issue really depends on the two people involved.  If *you* think there's a boundary issue then there is, but I personally don't subscribe to some uniform ethics code that instructors can never ask out someone that they've previously instructed, particularly if the instruction has ended.

Edited April 6, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

On 4/6/2022 at 10:51 AM, dramafreezone said:

Since the event is over, then I don't see the issue.  Sounds like he was respectful towards you.  But if you don't feel comfortable then that's an entirely different issue.

Instructor/student dynamics can be tricky at times, but my mother and step-father met when she was his student in law school, still together after 30 years, so (shrugs)...  Whether or not there is a boundary issue really depends on the two people involved.  If *you* think there's a boundary issue then there is, but I personally don't subscribe to some uniform ethics code that instructors can never ask out someone that they've previously instructed, particularly if the instruction has ended.

Thanks for your help.

The workshop lasted six weeks. The workshop was not part of my school curriculum (it was a voluntary workshop that I signed up for on top of my regular classes). For this, he is only a part-time instructor at my place of education (he is working on his masters' elsewhere).

The 'ethics' aspect wasn't 100% clear to me. So, just wanted to make sure.

Edited April 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

When is the coffee ☕ meeting? Has he been pestering you again since?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is the coffee ☕ meeting? Has he been pestering you again since?

Saturday is coffee day at the cafe. ☕ 👌

No, not really. It's at a nice pace now.  Maybe he was just drinking too much caffeine beforehand (haha).

 

 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Saturday is coffee day at the cafe. ☕ 👌

No, not really. It's at a nice pace now.  Maybe he was just drinking too much caffeine beforehand (haha).

 

 

Good to hear this. 👍

[Alpacalia]

On 4/8/2022 at 7:06 AM, glows said:

Good to hear this. 👍

 Thank you!

The two of us had coffee today. I enjoyed it.

We had a lot of fun talking and laughing together.

After discussing the ethics issue, we both agreed to keep it strictly professional in the event that I took another workshop from him in the future.

I'm not sure anything romantic will evolve from it but we both seemed to have a good time and enjoyed ourselves.

 

Edited April 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

, we both agreed to keep it strictly professional in the event that I took another workshop from him in the future.

Glad you had fun. Good call not to try to date him. Too messy.

[glows]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 Thank you!

The two of us had coffee today. I enjoyed it.

We had a lot of fun talking and laughing together.

After discussing the ethics issue, we both agreed to keep it strictly professional in the event that I took another workshop from him in the future.

I'm not sure anything romantic will evolve from it but we both seemed to have a good time and enjoyed ourselves.

 

I’m glad to hear you both enjoyed yourselves. Good company is hard to find. 

It’s very hard for me not to friendzone someone like this but if you can do it or want to see him again, it’s good also that you’ve discussed the ethics issue.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, glows said:

I’m glad to hear you both enjoyed yourselves. Good company is hard to find. 

It’s very hard for me not to friendzone someone like this but if you can do it or want to see him again, it’s good also that you’ve discussed the ethics issue.

Thanks!

Yes, it was odd because on the date he was very respectful and not aggressive at all.

But I see what you mean.

[glows]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks!

Yes, it was odd because on the date he was very respectful and not aggressive at all.

But I see what you mean.

Maybe he was afraid you'd lose interest quickly. Is there a second date soon?

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, glows said:

Maybe he was afraid you'd lose interest quickly. Is there a second date soon?

Possibly.

We were talking and he pulled out a pack of gum and asked if I would like a piece and he started talking about if we were to date and stuff.

At this point, though, I'm unsure how I feel about a second date.

I enjoy his company and find him attractive, but I'm not sure if I have any **romantic** feelings for him.

Is it worth going on a second date to see if this changes?  I'm not quite sure.

[glows]

On 4/11/2022 at 7:58 PM, Alpacalia said:

Possibly.

We were talking and he pulled out a pack of gum and asked if I would like a piece and he started talking about if we were to date and stuff.

At this point, though, I'm unsure how I feel about a second date.

I enjoy his company and find him attractive, but I'm not sure if I have any **romantic** feelings for him.

Is it worth going on a second date to see if this changes?  I'm not quite sure.

That's kind of weird in a cart before the horse kind of way. I see what you mean.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, glows said:

That's kind of weird in a cart before the horse kind of way. I see what you mean.

Yes. It felt a bit like that.

As for the 2nd date, I will probably decline it.

While he's already been pretty clear with his direction, albeit, after only one date, I don't see the point of wasting his time on the off chance that romantic feelings might not develop on my end.