Is this ethical?

[Alpacalia]

I just completed a Student Life Activity Workshop for College.

After the workshop was finished the instructor reached out to me on social media and asked if I would be interested in going out for coffee.

I'm not sure if this is exactly 'ethical'? 

He is a former student but now just runs these workshops I guess.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

If the workshop is completed, I don’t see any ethical issues if you are interested in getting to know him as friends (or perhaps dating). Are there other workshops you will be part of with him as the facilitator?

I assume he was professional and not creepy during the workshop towards you (not leering or making inappropriate innuendos).

 

[glows]

In my opinion, no, it is not ethical. It may be flattering but ultimately disrespectful and boils down to unwanted attention.

Also, I've never engaged or responded to work/classmate type of attention from peers or coworkers although the opportunity has been there. I wouldn't reply. 

If you are interested then see where it goes as I think this would be more of a gray area. Personally, zero interest whatsoever.

Edited March 31, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

After the workshop was finished the instructor reached out to me on social media and asked if I would be interested in going out for coffee. I'm not sure if this is exactly 'ethical'? 

Are you interested in him? Did you pay for the course? Is he a paid instructor?

Not sure why you think he's unethical when all he did was ask to go for coffee on social media. How did he get on your social media?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Are there other workshops you will be part of with him as the facilitator?

I assume he was professional and not creepy during the workshop towards you (not leering or making inappropriate innuendos).

 

No, it's the only workshop that I am aware of that I will be attending where he will be the facilitator.

Yes, he was completely professional during the workshop.

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you interested in him? Did you pay for the course? Is he a paid instructor?

Not sure why you think he's unethical when all he did was ask to go for coffee on social media. How did he get on your social media?

I don't know yet. No, I did not pay for the course. I think he's a paid instructor.

My guess is he found me through the school website. He reached out and friend requested me but then he asked me for coffee shortly thereafter.

I wasn't sure if it was ethical or not because that's the first time I was asked out by an instructor so that's why I thought I would ask.

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't know yet. No, I did not pay for the course. I think he's a paid instructor.

It seems ok, now that the course is over. If you like him, have a coffee, it's not a date (yet) so check it out.

If you don't like him as a potential date consider it a friendly networking opportunity.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, glows said:

 If you are interested then see where it goes as I think this would be more of a gray area. Personally, zero interest whatsoever.

Okay, glows, thanks for being my voice of reason.

Over the last 24 hours, he has contacted me 5-6 times, and I've just connected with him after yesterday's workshop ended.

We're still going for coffee, but I feel it's a bit intense.

 

Edited April 1, 2022 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

We're still going for coffee, but I feel it's a bit intense.

Why did he contact you this often? To set up a time and place or because you weren't responding?

Have coffee. It's not a walk down the aisle. Try to relax. If you don't like him from a dating standpoint, that's fine. It's just coffee.

 

[glows]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Okay, glows, thanks for being my voice of reason.

Over the last 24 hours, he has contacted me 5-6 times, and I've just connected with him after yesterday's workshop ended.

We're still going for coffee, but I feel it's a bit intense.

 

Follow your gut. If he’s acting strange or you change your mind don’t go. You’re not obligated to go for coffee with him at all. Don’t feel pressured. Do what feels right to you. 

Having said that, I hope things turn out nicely and you’ll have made friends. At any point you’re not obligated at all to keep in touch with anyone you don’t like or if your thoughts change down the line.  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did he contact you this often? To set up a time and place or because you weren't responding?

Have coffee. It's not a walk down the aisle. Try to relax. If you don't like him from a dating standpoint, that's fine. It's just coffee.

 

I did respond.

But I also mentioned to him that I was in the middle of heading into a class (when he first reached out to me).

Then he contacted me again afterwards a few times.

I mentioned that the next week would be tough for coffee but next week would be good. He contacted me again after that and tried to set it up for tomorrow.

So I just reiterated to him that next week would work out better if that was alright with him.

38 minutes ago, glows said:

Follow your gut. If he’s acting strange or you change your mind don’t go. You’re not obligated to go for coffee with him at all. Don’t feel pressured. Do what feels right to you. 

Having said that, I hope things turn out nicely and you’ll have made friends. At any point you’re not obligated at all to keep in touch with anyone you don’t like or if your thoughts change down the line.  

Thank you glows.

It just felt a bit intense (or maybe 'pushy' is a better word for how it felt).

I mentioned twice that the following week will be tough but that next Saturday would be good.

I'll see how it goes. Just want to check in with myself to make sure I'm not picking up on any bad juju.

 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I did respond.

But I also mentioned to him that I was in the middle of heading into a class (when he first reached out to me).

Then he contacted me again afterwards a few times.

I mentioned that the next week would be tough for coffee but next week would be good. He contacted me again after that and tried to set it up for tomorrow.

So I just reiterated to him that next week would work out better if that was alright with him.

Thank you glows.

It just felt a bit intense (or maybe 'pushy' is a better word for how it felt).

I mentioned twice that the following week will be tough but that next Saturday would be good.

I'll see how it goes. Just want to check in with myself to make sure I'm not picking up on any bad juju.

 

He may be pushy, overeager or not paying attention. Hard to say with limited info. Did he respond about next Saturday? 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

He may be pushy, overeager or not paying attention. Hard to say with limited info. Did he respond about next Saturday? 

 

He did.

He said that it was fine and apologized for disregarding my last two messages about the following week being tough.

So that's a good sign.

[mark clemson]

I think, as adults, in the US it's generally considered unethical (and could presumably lead to firing) while you're a student, but not necessarily afterwards. Of course there are people (and probably even some institutions) who might take an even stricter line, but I think that's their own personality/view.

That's not to say there won't be other red flags/issues.

Edited April 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[SingFish]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I feel it's a bit intense.

It's hard isn't it, relationship stuff?! If there's no intensity it feels pointless to pursue, if there's too much intensity it's also off-putting...

😆

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think, as adults, in the US it's generally considered unethical (and could presumably lead to firing) while you're a student, but not necessarily afterwards. Of course there are people (and probably even some institutions) who might take an even stricter line, but I think that's their own personality/view.

That's not to say there won't be other red flags/issues.

Thanks.

Yes, I considered that.

I absolutely do not want to jeopardize my career as a student.

I am already planning to inquire what the protocol is just on a practical level just to be on the safe side.

It's completely foreign being in this position so it's better to err on the side of caution.

8 minutes ago, SingFish said:

It's hard isn't it, relationship stuff?! If there's no intensity it feels pointless to pursue, if there's too much intensity it's also off-putting...

😆

Very true.

 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps "ethical" is the wrong word. It makes him seem creepy and as if he's engaging in sexual harassment. Is that how you feel about it?

You also describe his contact as excessive (even though it was to arrange coffee) as being creepy and almost harassment.

Is this how you feel about it? If so, just don't go for coffee. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps "ethical" is the wrong word. It makes him seem creepy and as if he's engaging in sexual harassment. Is that how you feel about it?

You also describe his contact as excessive (even though it was to arrange coffee) as being creepy and almost harassment.

Is this how you feel about it? If so, just don't go for coffee. 

He has shown no sexually suggestive behavior towards me.

I felt his initial contact was a bit excessive, yes. Because it felt like he was a touch insensitive to personal space.

I pushed back, after I said I would not be free for coffee until next week and he apologized, but if he continues to put pressure on me from now on, then I will not be drinking coffee.

Right now we're just communicating through social media but he keeps trying to escalate by calling through IM.

I'm not even sure I want to give him my telephone number at this point.

Of course, I want to ensure that no policy in place at the school prohibits this type of interaction, even if it is only between colleagues.

 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Right now we're just communicating through social media but he keeps trying to escalate by calling through IM.

If you are finding it this aggressive and annoying, tell him you have a BF and be done with it. Maintain your boundaries if you feel he's that creepy.

[glows]

It’s common courtesy to ask or text someone first if they’re free for a call. Is he showing any of that social awareness or is it a feeling of ineptitude? That can come across as pushy but that person is lacking that awareness or doesn’t know how to communicate or show that courtesy or consideration. 

 

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are finding it this aggressive and annoying, tell him you have a BF and be done with it. Maintain your boundaries if you feel he's that creepy.

Thank you. 🙂

9 hours ago, glows said:

Is he showing any of that social awareness or is it a feeling of ineptitude? That can come across as pushy but that person is lacking that awareness or doesn’t know how to communicate or show that courtesy or consideration. 

 

It could just be a feeling of ineptitude.

I'm not sure if it was just perhaps overeagerness on his part or a lack of consideration.

It just felt like my head was spinning there for a bit.

 

 

[7CLBH]

No.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Thank you. 🙂

It could just be a feeling of ineptitude.

I'm not sure if it was just perhaps overeagerness on his part or a lack of consideration.

It just felt like my head was spinning there for a bit.

 

 

This back and forth is worse than being honest with him and diplomatically saying no thanks to coffee.

In the end, you're not interested so why do this? It's more damaging to whatever professional relationship there is than simply being honest.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This back and forth is worse than being honest with him and diplomatically saying no thanks to coffee.

In the end, you're not interested so why do this? It's more damaging to whatever professional relationship there is than simply being honest.

I'm really not sure what you're inferring. I am interested otherwise I wouldn't have started this thread.

I committed to coffee so we're going.

I just did not care for how aggressive he was initially.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm really not sure what you're inferring. I am interested otherwise I wouldn't have started this thread.

I committed to coffee so we're going.

I just did not care for how aggressive he was initially.

 

Sorry, misunderstood because it's just coffee and already "your head is spinning"? It sounded like you were very conflicted about things.

[7CLBH]

@Alpaca when you say 'when the workshop was over', do you mean to say the whole course?

If there is no chance of him ever being your instructor, if you are both single and interested in each other, and he's marked you fairly and only asked you out after the whole thing finished or whatever, then I guess that's fine (persons meet in mysterious ways sometimes).

Otherwise, if he's still involved in assessing / marking you, yeah it's unethical of him to ask you out for coffee.