Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[mark clemson]

Hmm. I'm not sure

4 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

what do u think?

Hmm. Sending the message to a mutual friend seems to me like a violation of privacy - something he could potentially hold over your head later. The "safe" thing to do is almost certainly to contact emergency services and let them address it. If they don't take it seriously, then you don't need to - e.g. is it a general statement or does he have a specific plan for how to do it. Some places will make that distinction, for example, and there can presumably be other factors emergency services might take into account.

But again, how this sort of thing is expected to be treated by you the receiver can vary quite a bit by jurisdiction. It's safest to simply refer it to emergency services and see what they think.

[AlphaFemme99]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. I'm not sure

Hmm. Sending the message to a mutual friend seems to me like a violation of privacy - something he could potentially hold over your head later. The "safe" thing to do is almost certainly to contact emergency services and let them address it. If they don't take it seriously, then you don't need to - e.g. is it a general statement or does he have a specific plan for how to do it. Some places will make that distinction, for example, and there can presumably be other factors emergency services might take into account.

But again, how this sort of thing is expected to be treated by you the receiver can vary quite a bit by jurisdiction. It's safest to simply refer it to emergency services and see what they think.

So I shouldn’t email the screenshot to his therapist ? 
I think it’s just a case of narcissistic hoovering as you mentioned. He knew I wouldn’t stay any other way in the relationship to begin with and held this threat over my head and my kindness let me down as he almost overdosed in front of me. 
Either way I’ve left almost 8 months ago and he needs to find other support and consider other options for a partner 

 

[mark clemson]

Perhaps that might be a way to go as well. I have no idea what privacy laws might dictate about this sort of thing in your jurisdiction, so you may want to proceed with caution. I'm hesitant to give you advice on specific actions without know what the law might be WRT this matter where you are. (And note that that is NOT a request for info on your location, research like that is something for you to take up.)

FYI, if you're in the US, many family attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consults, which gives you a chance to "talk to a lawyer and get some questions answered" for free. You can hit multiple ones for advice if there are many in your area. However, given that this is Sat night, you're not likely to have much luck with that just at the moment, unfortunately.

Your xBF seems to be capable of all sorts of pretty messed up things, unfortunately, so to my mind this is a situation that should be taken seriously. For example, you don't want him coming back in 2 years when he's got money from that new job and suing you just out of spite for sharing his suicide ideation texts with others. Not sure that's possible in your jurisdiction, but given everything you've written about him, if it IS possible, I wouldn't put it past him.

Edited May 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

So I shouldn’t email the screenshot to his therapist ? 

Absolutely not.  You have no business speaking to his therapist...it's completely inappropriate.  

Personally, I'd ignore it.  But if you must do something with it, you should have called emergency services the moment you received it.  But now it's old news, so there's no point.

Edited May 8, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Absolutely not.  You have no business speaking to his therapist...it's completely inappropriate.  

Personally, I'd ignore it.  But if you must do something with it, you should have called emergency services the moment you received it.  But now it's old news, so there's no point.

I agree with all the above. 

The only people you should alert to this behaviour are emergency services who are trained to deal with suicidal people. If he is bluffing, getting a visit from them might strongly discourage him from pulling this sort of stunt again. 

And you need to speak to an attorney. Get advice from someone who knows what they are talking about, in terms of what to do with this man's continued harrassment and the multiple messages he has sent you (and threats he had made) 

[Wiseman2]

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, devices, contact lists,etc. Reset your social media privacy settings and be careful about your content and who can view it.

It's inappropriate for you to contact his therapist. You seem to be all over the place and worried about revenge porn, stalking, suicidal threats, etc.

No one can help you if you continue to engage him, "forget" to block him, etc.. Ask your therapist what to do since your therapist is in your jurisdiction and familiar with the situation.

 

[salparadise]

It's time that you take responsibility for your own part in this –– the reason he's being manipulative in every way imaginable is that it works. If you would go completely silent there would be no payoff, no motivation.

If these threats to post pics and videos are in writing then you should get a restraining order that includes orders not to. You need to slam the door on this crap. You soft pedaling is what keeps it in play. Of course this requires that you accept that you are not responsible for him. If he manages to get a suicide threat through your wall, call 911 and have emergency services handle it.

With someone like this you have to remove yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You've tried the soft approach already. It doesn't work. It keeps him on the string, hoping that more or different manipulation will be effective. He can't move on until you do.

[AlphaFemme99]

15 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It's time that you take responsibility for your own part in this –– the reason he's being manipulative in every way imaginable is that it works. If you would go completely silent there would be no payoff, no motivation.

If these threats to post pics and videos are in writing then you should get a restraining order that includes orders not to. You need to slam the door on this crap. You soft pedaling is what keeps it in play. Of course this requires that you accept that you are not responsible for him. If he manages to get a suicide threat through your wall, call 911 and have emergency services handle it.

With someone like this you have to remove yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You've tried the soft approach already. It doesn't work. It keeps him on the string, hoping that more or different manipulation will be effective. He can't move on until you do.

I think it’s empty threats and narcissistic hoovering. To be honest even if he posts my pics I won’t care. it’s very unlikely he will though as he has an image to maintain to keep his dad’s legacy decent. His dad was famous and respected and he can’t put a foot wrong to mar the family name 

I’ve blocked him but I forgot about telegram  so basically just ignored his messages there .. I see 17 missed ones and the last said good bye .. he’s leaving the world. I just screenshot it and forwarded it to two of his long term friends and said check up on him I can’t do this anymore 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I think it’s empty threats and narcissistic hoovering.

 

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The only people you should alert to this behaviour are emergency services who are trained to deal with suicidal people.

Well since you think it's just another empty threat then I would suggest you contact emergency services to do a check or ignore him and this time block telegram too.  Do not contact his therapist or his friends.  Is there anything else to block that you may have forgotten about so you can be sure to never get anymore messages from him?

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

Well since you think it's just another empty threat then I would suggest you contact emergency services to do a check or ignore him and this time block telegram too.  Do not contact his therapist or his friends.  Is there anything else to block that you may have forgotten about so you can be sure to never get anymore messages from him?

I did contact 2 of his close friends and sent the screenshot where he said ‘goodbye I’m leaving this world’ so they know what’s going on. I asked them to check up on him as I can’t do it anymore after 2 years and I forgot to block him on that app. I think it’s useful they know what’s going on aside from his version so they can help him better 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I did contact 2 of his close friends and sent the screenshot where he said ‘goodbye I’m leaving this world’ so they know what’s going on. I asked them to check up on him as I can’t do it anymore after 2 years and I forgot to block him on that app. I think it’s useful they know what’s going on aside from his version so they can help him better 

Step away and listen to the advice of your therapist. Stop contacting his people. He knows their contact info, the number for EMS and his people know him.

It's odd that your therapist did not go over abusive relationship dynamics and suicide threats with you.

Focus on your own healing and recovery.

[AlphaFemme99]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step away and listen to the advice of your therapist. Stop contacting his people. He knows their contact info, the number for EMS and his people know him.

It's odd that your therapist did not go over abusive relationship dynamics and suicide threats with you.

Focus on your own healing and recovery.

My therapist advised me ages ago to tell his friends and family so I’m not alone trying to help him with the suicidal threats 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

My therapist advised me ages ago 

That was ages ago. What about now that he moved away and you broke up?

Stop contacting his people. You're under zero obligation to play savior or interact with him or his people. Since your therapist won't review signs of abusive relationship dynamics with you, you can research it because there's a lot of help and information about it for you.

[AlphaFemme99]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That was ages ago. What about now that he moved away and you broke up?

Stop contacting his people. You're under zero obligation to play savior or interact with him or his people. Since your therapist won't review signs of abusive relationship dynamics with you, you can research it because there's a lot of help and information about it for you.

She said it recently as well. I broke up with him late august last year. He didn’t want anyone to know because he’s confident he’ll win me back. 

Me therapist said I should tell his close friends at least because of his suicidal thoughts, he can have some other people to help him. I blocked him so it’s really serious.. I was the reason he wanted to keep living and now he’s lost me too .. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by AlphaFemme99

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I did contact 2 of his close friends and sent the screenshot where he said ‘goodbye I’m leaving this world’ so they know what’s going on. I asked them to check up on him as I can’t do it anymore after 2 years and I forgot to block him on that app. I think it’s useful they know what’s going on aside from his version so they can help him better 

Well that's good but if this happens in the future call emergency services who can check on him right away and give any medical attention he may need.  Suicide threats are not something that should be put in a friend's lap to deal with and can overwhelm them.  Plus they can't give permission for certain treatments.  It's different if it's a close relative of his.

Edited May 9, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Me therapist said I should tell his close friends at least because of his suicidal thoughts

You are not a next of kin. Don't dump this on his friends. His people can manage him. You need to stop communicating with him or trying to "save" him. Block him on ALL platforms and focus on your own physical and mental health and moving forward. Consider getting a referral to a therapist who can give you advice about you and how to improve your life rather than how to manage his problems.

[AlphaFemme99]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are not a next of kin. Don't dump this on his friends. His people can manage him. You need to stop communicating with him or trying to "save" him. Block him on ALL platforms and focus on your own physical and mental health and moving forward. Consider getting a referral to a therapist who can give you advice about you and how to improve your life rather than how to manage his problems.

I became his next of kin after he lost his dad. 
I know everything seems straightforward but it’s so much more complex with my situation 

I did enough alerting his friends so from here on I’ll just contact emergency services 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 from here on I’ll just contact emergency services 

Contact no one. Block and delete him from all platforms. You're no longer his healthcare proxy. He has his own people for that.

You need to let go so you can focus on your own physical and mental health and well-being.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

1 hour ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I became his next of kin after he lost his dad. 
I know everything seems straightforward but it’s so much more complex with my situation 

I did enough alerting his friends so from here on I’ll just contact emergency services 

Are you next of kin legally...as in drawn up by a lawyer?  If you are, you must go back to the lawyer and remove yourself from this role.  Or if it's not a legal situation and someone calls upon you, simply tell them that you're no longer acting in this role.

Rather than contacting emergency services, just keep blocking him on anything he can use to contact you.  That you allow messages from him indicates that you still want to be involved to a certain degree.    Honestly, you're making this harder for yourself than it needs to be.

[AlphaFemme99]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you next of kin legally...as in drawn up by a lawyer?  If you are, you must go back to the lawyer and remove yourself from this role.  Or if it's not a legal situation and someone calls upon you, simply tell them that you're no longer acting in this role.

Rather than contacting emergency services, just keep blocking him on anything he can use to contact you.  That you allow messages from him indicates that you still want to be involved to a certain degree.    Honestly, you're making this harder for yourself than it needs to be.

It was an honest mistake on my part forgetting about telegram and email. I was so used to messenger that I didn’t think about it .. he also rejoined Instagram to try contact me there 

Hopefully his friends are helping him. They’ve lost a parent so might know the right things to say. I still care for his life, even though I’ve given up on the relationship 

 

[basil67]

I get that it was an honest mistake.  But from what I read, you still haven't blocked him from those platforms.  This is what I mean by allowing him to contact you.

Edited May 10, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I became his next of kin after he lost his dad. 
I know everything seems straightforward but it’s so much more complex with my situation 

I did enough alerting his friends so from here on I’ll just contact emergency services 

How can you be his next of kin when he still has a mother?  Why didn't you say this earlier in the thread when we kept telling you to contact his relatives to help and that this was their responsibility to see about him?

[AlphaFemme99]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I get that it was an honest mistake.  But from what I read, you still haven't blocked him from those platforms.  This is what I mean by allowing him to contact you.

I’ve now blocked him on telegram too. 
He has this way of charming people and always making friends with police. He must’ve said something about me being the crazy one etc because after I saw the last telegram msg where he said he’s leaving the world and I didn’t get a msg since, I called the police in the area he’s living. I’ve done it once before. 
I got a call back from a mobile and the policeman accused me of stalking.
so I sent him 4 screenshots of his latest messages on telegram that I didn’t reply to incl the one about suicide. 
I’ve blocked him there now as well. I’m done .. been saving him for two years he can do what he wants I’m over it. I tried to help and it’s thrown back in my face 
 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I got a call back from a mobile and the policeman accused me of stalking.

Ok. Make sure you block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Stop contacting his people. That is stalking and you've been warned now. It's time to move on and leave him alone.

[AlphaFemme99]

On 5/10/2022 at 10:51 PM, stillafool said:

How can you be his next of kin when he still has a mother?  Why didn't you say this earlier in the thread when we kept telling you to contact his relatives to help and that this was their responsibility to see about him?

For some reason while I was his fiancé he had me as next of kin after he lost his father. His mother only cares for herself. That’s probably why