situation between girl with a bf and a touch-starved guy (me)

[KillJoyboyfriend]

This is my first time here, gonna try to make this quick but it'll probably still be pretty long

    I met this beautiful girl at church-- I offered to play guitar for the youth group and possibly start a pro band down there, and she was (and still is) my first singer. We play on Sundays and hang out after sermon until it's time to head home. She's four months older than me, Bisexual, and has a boyfriend whose name until now I don't know, have never seen (in pictures or otherwise), and therefore I am 95 percent sure he even exists. She also has ADHD, so I do not take her response times to my texts into account, nor do I take her memory into account. 

She: 

- Is extremely touchy with me (finds any reason she can to touch my hands, hold them,  etc)

- isn't scared to get very close to me (i.e: she touches my foot with hers sometimes, on-stage she faced me and rested her feet on the footrest of my stool right beside my legs, etc) 

- shares deep insecurities and experiences with me (I'm honored that she trusts me) 

- told me she really likes my smile

- told me she likes listening to me play guitar and that it's relaxing

- has asked me if I'd quote "wanna hang out sometime out of church if I think she's swaggy enough" (her words, not mine. Cringe, but I still like her a whole freakin lot no matter what she says) 

- rests her head on my shoulder and on me in general

- hangs out with me alone after a performance (like I said) instead of going to sermons (she's ironically an Atheist, I am too) 

- sends me so many selfies. Like-- A LOT. (granted, most of them are stuff she's already posted on snapchat, but she still sends them to me personally. I get at least two sets of selfies sent to me every week) 

- Texts me just to have small talk, or to tell me about something that happened, or something she's about to do, seeking my advice (it's never about boys, as again, she has a boyfriend allegedly) 

- I have definitely impressed her, that's for sure. She tries to emulate my artstyle (I also draw) and as previously stated, likes the sound of my guitar playing. 

- When I told her I liked her, she stated that quote: "it's all good. No seriously, that doesn't ruin the friendship at all" (and from that day onwards, she's been more touchy, physically close, and eager to send me selfies than usual.) 

(I am VERY guilty of reading too deep into things because I have diagnosed social anxiety. It's been a real struggle trying to get rid of my affection for her because I know (or at least feel like) I don't have a chance with her. I know the stuff I've listed here is pretty exhaustive, but-- yeah-- I'm not very good with confidence. I don't look like a loser in front of her, I've definitely made sure of that, but yeah, I need a conclusive, SURE FIRE insight on what I should do. For several months I have been wondering how (and whether) I could leave the friendship and forget her to save my emotions, but not only would that make me feel guilty, but I'd seriously be missing out on contact with girls and getting used to it. I will say here (since I'm anonymous) that I have NEVER been touched by a girl. I literally got a boner when she rested her head on my shoulder, and thank God it was concealed 'cause that would have effectively cancelled everything I've worked for. 

I am absolutely NOT looking for sex with her. I genuinely love how pretty she is and how she's so photogenic, I love that I've managed to find a cute girl that I share so many things in common with, I love her hair (because I'm into tomboys and she has a pixie), I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER VOICE holy s***. whether she's singing or just talking I feel warm inside. I unironically mean it when I say she has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard from a girl. I think it's cute that she's shorter than me, and I'm pretty much in love with the feeling I get when I'm near her because as stated previously, she's the first girl I've ever gotten this physically close with. It's not that I find her sexually UNNATRACTIVE, but It's just-- not my main focus. With ANY girl I like. 

I would very very very much appreciate any kind of response I could get on this post. I am in dire need of a direction. My mind has been tormented with thoughts of this relationship day and night, and she's just recently gotten into my literal dreams. 

Thank you so much.

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

. She's four months older than me, Bisexual, and has a boyfriend 

It's ok to have a crush on her. However as friendly as she is, this is the no-fly zone.

Try to pull back because being in the friendzone this much when you've got a huge crush isn't going to turn out well.

Start dating other girls.

[Agentra]

6 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

has a boyfriend

Agreeing with Wiseman. Don't open that can of worms, have some class, dignity, and let go. 

[Yosemite]

9 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

has asked me if I'd quote "wanna hang out sometime out of church

What was your response? Did you say yes and go on the date? If not, why did you say no?

It's possible that she's flirting with you so that you'll let her be the singer. Does she want to be a professional singer? She's probably thinking that if she stops flirting with you, that you wouldn't let her continue to be the lead singer. 

It's unlikely that she's actually an atheist, there's a very strong possibility that she just said that to get on your good side. 

You should keep in mind that church girls usually don't want sex before marriage...

How old are you and how old is she? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

  I have NEVER been touched by a girl. I literally got a boner when she rested her head on my shoulder, 

It's ok to have a crush on pretty girls. However there's a thin line between admiring a girl and getting creepy.

Are you allowed to date? How old are you? Sounds like your hormones are raging and that's ok, but you'll have a date girls rather than this type of stuff.

[elaine567]

Trouble is some women use the fact they have a bf/husband/partner to be able to get very comfortable with other men.
They feel safe to be themselves as you both know she is unavailable.

You are the perfect orbiter.
The chronically single guy who worships her..
For a woman having close male friends who love you and will do almost anything for you, can be very validating and a big ego boost..
For you waiting in the wings it is frustrating and actually a complete waste of your time...

[Alpacalia]

Your libido is expressing itself...

She's not some mythical creature, more amazing, more gorgeous, and more desired than logic would support.

Still, if she has a boyfriend, she is being quite flirty with you.

[KillJoyboyfriend]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

     RESPONSE TO COMMENT: I need to forget her-- one small problem though-- I'm scared of getting a crush on someone else and ending up in another unrequited situation with them as well. I have SUPREMELY HORRIBLE luck with girls, and have never dated anyone in my entire life, due to my social anxiety. I don't want to blame everything on anxiety, but I get extremely nervous around girls I like, and it fricks up my attempts at finding a girlfriend. Another problem is that I'm going to have to keep seeing her. We go to the same church obviously, and we're both in the same band, so we're pretty much forced to see each other every Sunday. Splitting up would mean throwing away an important community service I'm currently doing. I enjoy playing in a band, and the pastor REALLY appreciates me playing onstage, so it brings me a newfound sense of worth when I do. I wish I never met her. (I don't hate her, she's just difficult to ignore and forget about) 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by KillJoyboyfriend
I didn't realize 'quote' wasn't 'respond'

[KillJoyboyfriend]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush on pretty girls. However there's a thin line between admiring a girl and getting creepy.   -oh TRUST ME, I'm definitely not creepy. that thought is at the back of my mind whenever I'm around a girl, so I'm constantly self conscious of whether or not I'm being creepy. Plus, she really trusts me, so I'm sure she doesn't find me creepy at all. 

Are you allowed to date? How old are you? Sounds like your hormones are raging and that's ok, but you'll have a date girls rather than this type of stuff.   - My parents have even started giving me hints that It's time for me to start dating. I'm not horny!!! I genuinely like her! but it's kinda difficult to control myself when I'm experiencing something I never thought would ever happen to me. I want you to understand that sex and other physical acts are ABSOLUTELY out of my dictionary when I address this issue. I'm not thinking of, or looking for, sex from her. 

 

then again, with the kind responses i've been getting here, I think it's time to pack up and leave. It'll be tough on me, but I've done it before and I can do it again. I just don't think I'm going to ask anyone out again. It's a major confidence killer. 

 

[KillJoyboyfriend]

5 hours ago, Agentra said:

Agreeing with Wiseman. Don't open that can of worms, have some class, dignity, and let go.   -- yeah, you're right.

 

[KillJoyboyfriend]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush on her. However as friendly as she is, this is the no-fly zone.

Try to pull back because being in the friendzone this much when you've got a huge crush isn't going to turn out well.

Start dating other girls.

 

kinda sucks that people will show all these signs, getting lonely guys excited, only for you to find out they're just friendly. No shade at friendly girls, but-- it just sucks, you know? 

Yeah, it's already killing me from the inside. I really need to get away from this whole deal. 

I've never dated any human being in my entire life lol (people are really unreceptive to shyness. Girls will treat shy guys like they're mentally crippled.) 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

kinda sucks that people will show all these signs, getting lonely guys excited, only for you to find out they're just friendly.

The clue here  you seem to have ignored was "She has a bf".
That was your cue to step well back and leave her in the friendzone, not to get yourself all steamed up.

First question that needed answered. 
Is she attached in some way to another man?
Has a bf, a husband, a partner, even just has a big crush on someone else...
These are Stop signs.
Ignore at your own peril.

[KillJoyboyfriend]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

The clue here  you seem to have ignored was "She has a bf".
That was your cue to step well back and leave her in the friendzone, not to get yourself all steamed up.

First question that needed answered. 
Is she attached in some way to another man?
Has a bf, a husband, a partner, even just has a big crush on someone else...
These are Stop signs.
Ignore at your own peril.

   I always understood that, I'm not the kind of guy to not take a hint and keep bothering someone when they've told me no. I just cannot control who I like. I unfortunately like her, and though I'm not going to do anything about it, it's killing me because I have to shut up about it and essentially suck it up. That's what I mean by "it sucks". I'd never try to mess up a happy relationship for my own selfish benefit, nor would I keep bothering a girl that's already said "no." 

[elaine567]

I wasn't implying you would become a nuisance to anyone, but for your own sake you need to keep your distance emotionally from any woman who is unavailable to you.
 

[Foxhall]

26 minutes ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

I've never dated any human being in my entire life lol (people are really unreceptive to shyness. Girls will treat shy guys like they're mentally crippled.)

Ah not really!! shy guys like myself have not done too bad,

at least your enjoying this girl, thats a reasonable enough outcome at this point,

they are tricky sometimes the ladies- playing all these games about having or not having boyfriends,

dont get too hung up on that- enjoy the friendship you have with her, see where it goes but try to detach yourself from getting too worked up over it (easier said than done with a first love scenario)

keep talking to her and enjoying her company for now, but try to meet and chat other women too,

you might still have a chance romantically here but just go with the flow dont be feeling pressure and see where it goes.

 

 

[glows]

Is it not peculiar to you that you don't seem to trust her word that she has a boyfriend? I've had crushes for years without acting on it so please don't beat yourself up over this. Just limit your interactions and keep your distance. It sounds more like you admire her, rather than her being a good fit for you in terms of compatibility in the long run. It's strange that she would claim to have a steady boyfriend and yet chat up other men or be touchy feely with them. I think you should look at meeting new people outside of the church too. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by glows

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush on her. However as friendly as she is, this is the no-fly zone.

Try to pull back because being in the friendzone this much when you've got a huge crush isn't going to turn out well.

Start dating other girls.

Boyfriend isn't husband.

I'd just ask her out OP.  If she declines, you have your answer.

The catch is if she accepts, you know she's one that can't be trusted, so don't have any thoughts of her being "the one."

OP, you can't continue to be an "orbiter" though, giving your attention away as if it has no value.  Your attention has tremendous value, which is why she wants so much of it, so begin to realize that.

Make your intentions known and if she isn't interested, explore other viable options.

Edited November 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Yosemite]

7 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

kinda sucks that people will show all these signs, getting lonely guys excited, only for you to find out they're just friendly. No shade at friendly girls, but-- it just sucks, you know? 

I've never dated any human being in my entire life lol

If this is how you feel, why you didn't you say yes when she asked you out? You're not a victim here. You had the opportunity to date her and not be a "lonely guy," but you sat on your hands and did nothing. 

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. 

Why won't you say how old you are? If you're in high school, your behavior is pretty typical and not very worrisome. If you're 37, you've got major issues that you need to sort out. 

[KillJoyboyfriend]

21 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

If this is how you feel, why you didn't you say yes when she asked you out? You're not a victim here. You had the opportunity to date her and not be a "lonely guy," but you sat on your hands and did nothing. 

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. 

Why won't you say how old you are? If you're in high school, your behavior is pretty typical and not very worrisome. If you're 37, you've got major issues that you need to sort out. 

when did I say I didn't say yes?? lmao I went to the venue we planned to go to and she wasn't there! when I texted her, she said she forgot and we cancelled. She apologized profusely and I am alright with it. I started laughing when i saw your comment. I cannot imagine myself turning down ANY offer from her to hang out. 

I do that.

I liter-- have you been reading my comments? I said I'm 17. yes, I'm in highschool. I'm confused as to what is bad in my behavior, please can you let me know? I don't want to spoil more situations in my life. No one ever tells me why, they just say no and leave me to find out what's wrong with me by myself

[KillJoyboyfriend]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Is it not peculiar to you that you don't seem to trust her word that she has a boyfriend? I've had crushes for years without acting on it so please don't beat yourself up over this. Just limit your interactions and keep your distance. It sounds more like you admire her, rather than her being a good fit for you in terms of compatibility in the long run. It's strange that she would claim to have a steady boyfriend and yet chat up other men or be touchy feely with them. I think you should look at meeting new people outside of the church too. 

   Thanks-- I'll try to go into my next crush (whenever it comes) prepared for a possible rejection SO THAT I don't feel as bad about myself as I do over this current girl. The fear of rejection is a huge reason I'm not making any moves on any more girls-- almost feels like I nearly had it here

   Thank all of you for your great advice, honestly. It's super helpful and I'm glad I came here! 

[glows]

1 minute ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

   Thanks-- I'll try to go into my next crush (whenever it comes) prepared for a possible rejection SO THAT I don't feel as bad about myself as I do over this current girl. The fear of rejection is a huge reason I'm not making any moves on any more girls-- almost feels like I nearly had it here

   Thank all of you for your great advice, honestly. It's super helpful and I'm glad I came here! 

This is all very normal, feeling embarrassed or tongue-tied or worried about what you're saying or thinking around that person. You're 17 so leaving off for college soon if that's something you're interested in. You'll be meeting new people too or finding a church closer or on campus and this will fade. 

Don't worry about planning anything. Honestly, when the situation is right or seems appropriate with a much better suited person you'll probably find yourself hesitating a whole lot less and asking that person out. It'll happen naturally.

[Yosemite]

42 minutes ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

when did I say I didn't say yes?? lmao I went to the venue we planned to go to and she wasn't there! when I texted her, she said she forgot and we cancelled. She apologized profusely and I am alright with it. I started laughing when i saw your comment. I cannot imagine myself turning down ANY offer from her to hang out. 

I do that.

I liter-- have you been reading my comments? I said I'm 17. yes, I'm in highschool. I'm confused as to what is bad in my behavior, please can you let me know? I don't want to spoil more situations in my life. No one ever tells me why, they just say no and leave me to find out what's wrong with me by myself

Reread the thread and quote where you said that you're 17, that you said yes to the date, and that she stood you up. You never said that and I can't read your mind.

 

42 minutes ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

I'm confused as to what is bad in my behavior, please can you let me know? I don't want to spoil more situations in my life. No one ever tells me why, they just say no and leave me to find out what's wrong with me by myself

The only thing that I see that you did wrong was tell her that you like her instead of asking her on a date. But, since you're 17, it's normal and common to have crushes that you don't act on and only daydream about. Her standing you up is your sign that she's not interested in doing anything other than what you two are already doing. This situation is typical for two kids trying to figure out sexual attraction, flirtation, and romantic relationships. Don't feel bad or embarrassed about it, it's normal for your age. The best thing for you to do at this point would be to look around for another girl who seems like she likes you and ask her out right away.

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Yosemite

[Stret]

1 hour ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

   Thanks-- I'll try to go into my next crush (whenever it comes) prepared for a possible rejection SO THAT I don't feel as bad about myself as I do over this current girl. The fear of rejection is a huge reason I'm not making any moves on any more girls-- almost feels like I nearly had it here

   Thank all of you for your great advice, honestly. It's super helpful and I'm glad I came here! 

It is better to do and regret than not do and regret. At least you will have your answers. Otherwise, you'll never know. 
Don't let the fear stop you. You have a golden opportunity to learn something and experiment. And who knows... some relationships start at that age and last a lifetime. 

From everything I read, it might be that she is as interested in you as you are in her. Boyfriend at that age doesn't have to mean it is a serious relationship. She might even be willing to break up for you. What if you told her you met someone too? How would she react? Would she stay the same, pull away, or would you suddenly become more attractive to her? What if you asked her out on a dinner and flirt with her openly? Get out of your comfort zone and do it. 

[KillJoyboyfriend]

1 hour ago, Yosemite said:

Reread the thread and quote where you said that you're 17, that you said yes to the date, and that she stood you up. You never said that and I can't read your mind.

 

The only thing that I see that you did wrong was tell her that you like her instead of asking her on a date. But, since you're 17, it's normal and common to have crushes that you don't act on and only daydream about. Her standing you up is your sign that she's not interested in doing anything other than what you two are already doing. This situation is typical for two kids trying to figure out sexual attraction, flirtation, and romantic relationships. Don't feel bad or embarrassed about it, it's normal for your age. The best thing for you to do at this point would be to look around for another girl who seems like she likes you and ask her out right away.

 

   I told her I liked her in a futile attempt to get the feeling off my chest. I thought that after telling her, I'd feel more comfortable being her friend, but it obviously didn't work haha

this is what I texted her: 

"I've been suppressing this for a while because I don't want to ruin our friendship, but It's proven way too stubborn, so here I go: I know you have a boyfriend, and I'm not going to get in the way of that, but I've had a serious crush on you for a long while now. I thought I'd let you know, since you deserve it, and It'd sure as hell give me some peace of mind knowing I told you! (Remember Debbie? I still regret not telling her sooner.) I don't want you to think hard on this at all, just a little update" 

(Debbie is a girl I told her I got very close with and would probably have dated if I didn't hold off asking her out at the last minute. She said yes, but a minute later I had to leave and I never saw her again as I had to migrate to America.) 

and she said: 

"It's all good! No worries seriously. It doesn't ruin the friendship at all"

 

imagine if for some reason she's on this forum lol-- I'd jump off a skyscraper immediately

[Yosemite]

6 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

(Debbie is a girl I told her I got very close with and would probably have dated if I didn't hold off asking her out at the last minute. She said yes, but a minute later I had to leave and I never saw her again as I had to migrate to America.) 

Ok, so even though you're still very young, you can see that you have a pattern of waiting too long to ask a girl out. You wait too long because you have a fear of rejection, but that waiting ends up causing you to be rejected anyway. Probably in the back of your mind, you prefer to be rejected for waiting too long instead of being rejected because a girl doesn't want to date you.

A lot of people struggle with this, so don't feel alone, but really the only thing you can do to solve it is to force yourself not to wait too long and just make yourself ask girls out early on. Over time, as you do that, you'll see that being rejected isn't really that big of a deal.

6 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

I told her I liked her in a futile attempt to get the feeling off my chest. I thought that after telling her, I'd feel more comfortable being her friend, but it obviously didn't work haha

It's hard to explain why, but confessing your feelings before you've ever been on a date, in general, is just not a good idea. You want your feelings to develop and grow at same time and pace as hers do. How is that going to happen if she thinks that you're friends, but actually you're secretly falling in love with her? When you do confess your feelings, she'll feel blindsided and tricked, whereas if you'd asked her out on a date, she would know what's going on in her own life/relationships and would have a chance to develop feelings too.

6 hours ago, KillJoyboyfriend said:

imagine if for some reason she's on this forum lol-- I'd jump off a skyscraper immediately

Lol. Don't worry about her reading this. It's extremely unlikely that she's on this site and even if she did read it, you haven't said anything embarrassing...you've only said the truth and she'd probably be flattered if she read it. 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Yosemite