Neck Tattoos - Am I Overacting?

[Pumpernickel]

I do not mean to be harsh or to insult anyone, but I would never date a guy with a face/neck tattoo. YIKES! Moreover, I would definitely end a R over this; he decides to waste money on that nonsense? To make himself unattractive to me? Yeah, not gonna happen. To say that the love isn't strong enough & there's GOTTA be other underlying problems in the R is BS. This is a MASSIVE change, it's totally visible to the whole world, and I wouldn't accept it. I totally get it, OP. I don't think you're out of line here at all.

BUT: Her body, her choice. I give her that. You have no influence there. You can put your foot down and make your opinion clear. But she'll do what she wants to anyhow, obviously (see her previous poor decision-making about getting a dog despite your objections). Kudos to you, OP, for putting up with all of that nonsense (not working FT, despite you being a great stepdad & helping her with $$ to raise her children, buying expensive gear that's never used, getting a dog against your will (this should def be a mutual decision), and not making sure the dog gets potty trained properly, etc etc) – she sounds super immatue, entitled and bratty; she also sounds controlling and disrespectful (like "I'll show you (and your parents) that I don't have to follow your guys' rules"). Not sure what you should do, as there are kids involved, but I mean, she obviously doesn't care, so why should you??  

Edited July 20, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Origin said:

She's 27. They would be pretty shocked and question her judgment for sure. Idk, the cost of daycare is pretty high. The only waste I'd say would be buying a Peloton bike because she's not using it at all. Not even once, so to me that was a bad buy.

OMG, Why not?

[Origin]

1 hour ago, JRabbit said:

He doesn't know yet if he does, she doesn't have it, but he has already made the decision. If its worth throwing away a relationship over then I guess that is his choice to make. I don't think it's fair to ask her not to do it. Its her body.

BUT there are other things I would throw this relationship away for, like him completely supporting her and her kids, with little to nothing in return.

I don't mind supporting her and the kids, I feel they are our kids anyways. I knew what I signed up for when I got with her, and the two kids. 

The tattoo is beyond something I can control. It's like telling a gay person "you're not gay, just be with the opposite person". That's how this feels for me. I wish I didn't care about the facial/neck tattoos, but I do, I find it incredibly unattractive. I've seen girls whom I thought pretty but the moment they get a neck tattoo it looks bad to me. Idk why!!! I don't know.  I just know I find it unattractive. Me waiting to see if "I'll like it" is incredibly stupid tbh, because I know I won't like it. Therefore why risk it??

Look at this point I plan on calmly talking to her tonight. I can't force her not to get a tattoo, nor am I planning on that. But I am planning on begging her to consider my feelings in this because her not considering them will have a huge impact on me, how I see her, and our future. I feel the relationships should be give/take.  I understand she wants the tattoo to feel comfortable, or whatnot, I get that. But I feel I've been more than supportive to her in our relationship. Idk what to say besides if she can find someone better than me, that will also support her neck tattoo, then she can go ahead. I'm just not that person. I resent it that much, I do. We don't have major fights, nor did I ever attempt to tell her you can't do/say anything. This is the first time I'm saying no, because I know if she goes with it and I don't like it, it'll be too much for me to wanna deal with. I'm sorry I know some of you don't like what I'm saying, and I don't care, frankly. I have feelings also that I feel are just being disregarded. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

she sounds super immature, entitled and bratty

Unfortunately agree. It's more that the aesthetic, it's this teen rebellion attitude in a 27/y/o single mother of 3 who sits home, works only part-time has 2 children from a deadbeat dad and all this supported and taken care by someone she has a "screw you! I'll do what I want and waste money on what I want" attitude toward?

 So yes it's more than a picture on a neck, it's an attitude of oppositional defiance, disrespect and ungratefulness.

[Origin]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OMG, Why not?

Idk. She did have shoulder surgery so she can't use it now, but even before the surgery it just wasn't being used. 

And just to clarify. The Peloton was bought with her money, and so was the dog. She did pay a lot of money for the dog that I thought was insane. But I don't control her budget so I can't get mad at that. Like I said. The fighting about the dog came after he wasn't being taken care of.  

Edited July 20, 2021 by Origin
Typo/clarification

[flitzanu]

i'm not a magic 8 ball, but i can give you the two outcomes most likely.

1. she gets the tattoo and you resent her forever.

2. she doesn't get the tattoo because of your feels, and she resents you forever.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Origin said:

No, I did not. She said she'd take care of the house. I try to take care of the basement on a regular. The rest when I help would be dishes or something along those lines. 

That she said she'd take are of the house would have been based on her being a SAHM.  She's got the time, therefore it's entirely reasonable of her to do the domestics.   But when both partners are working full time, both partners need to split the full load of domestic duties.

Between not grasping the cost of child care and you not offering to do half of the domestic duties, I feel it's vastly unfair for her to be pegged as irresponsible when it comes to working.

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by basil67

[Origin]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

That she said she'd take are of the house would have been based on her being a SAHM.  She's got the time, therefore it's entirely reasonable of her to do the domestics.   But when both partners are working full time, both partners need to split the full load of domestic duties.

Between not grasping the cost of child care and you not offering to do half of the domestic duties, I feel it's vastly unfair for her to be pegged as irresponsible when it comes to working.

 

I never said I don't agree with her on the child care, nor do I care for part time/full time.  It's her decision, I'm fine with either.  I was answering questions people would ask.  

[basil67]

Sorry @Origin, I got confused with other posters criticising her for this.   I'll see myself out.

[Origin]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry @Origin, I got confused with other posters criticising her for this.   I'll see myself out.

Nothing to be sorry about. I appreciate the comments and direction. 

[glows]

11 hours ago, Origin said:

I don't mind supporting her and the kids, I feel they are our kids anyways. I knew what I signed up for when I got with her, and the two kids. 

The tattoo is beyond something I can control. It's like telling a gay person "you're not gay, just be with the opposite person". That's how this feels for me. I wish I didn't care about the facial/neck tattoos, but I do, I find it incredibly unattractive. I've seen girls whom I thought pretty but the moment they get a neck tattoo it looks bad to me. Idk why!!! I don't know.  I just know I find it unattractive. Me waiting to see if "I'll like it" is incredibly stupid tbh, because I know I won't like it. Therefore why risk it??

Look at this point I plan on calmly talking to her tonight. I can't force her not to get a tattoo, nor am I planning on that. But I am planning on begging her to consider my feelings in this because her not considering them will have a huge impact on me, how I see her, and our future. I feel the relationships should be give/take.  I understand she wants the tattoo to feel comfortable, or whatnot, I get that. But I feel I've been more than supportive to her in our relationship. Idk what to say besides if she can find someone better than me, that will also support her neck tattoo, then she can go ahead. I'm just not that person. I resent it that much, I do. We don't have major fights, nor did I ever attempt to tell her you can't do/say anything. This is the first time I'm saying no, because I know if she goes with it and I don't like it, it'll be too much for me to wanna deal with. I'm sorry I know some of you don't like what I'm saying, and I don't care, frankly. I have feelings also that I feel are just being disregarded. 

Let’s say you break up over it, would it make you feel better? Does it help you make a point? Or does it bring temporary relief and then find yourself missing her or wanting to be with her again?

At this point it sounds like so much resentment it’s no longer about the tattoo. You resent her and that she wants to do something without your approval or consent. The resentment builds. It’s boiling point and two individuals are no longer looking at each other as people but as the other being a problem. It’s very sad and I’m sorry. 

If this relationship survives there can’t be this level of resentment. That needs to be diffused either through more loving acts, kindnesses and both partners must be receptive to it. It’s not a one way street and I do not think this is about the tattoo anymore.

[Blind-Sided]

OK... just a few random thoughts.  And before I start... yes... her life... her body, and she can do want she wants.  But....

1) Imagine you were leasing a new car, and you really like the way it looked.  But since it was a lease... you really don't own it.  And the manufacture decided they were changing their logo... and they came out and painted the new logo across the hood of your new car.  And this logo was a big harry penis with a smile.  Even if it's done well, it's not the car you chose, and it is not socially acceptable.   At this point... you would no longer like to be associated with it, and you would be embarrassed to be seen in it.

Sure, there would be a law suit over that... but it's the same thing.  You are with someone based on being attracted.  If they make themselves unattractive... then you will be miserable to stay.

2) As it's coming out now... she has a "I don't care" kind of attitude.  This is not a person you can spend you life with.  There will be a lot of bad choices... and she won't care about your input. Unfortunately... based on that alone... you should consider moving on.

3)  To the comment of the peliton... even if that was a bad spending choice.... unlike a tattoo... it can be sold.

OP... I know it's not easy... but it sounds like you are incompatible, and this subject is the tip of the iceberg. 

[Harry Korsnes]

10 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

OK... just a few random thoughts.  And before I start... yes... her life... her body, and she can do want she wants.  But....

1) Imagine you were leasing a new car, and you really like the way it looked.  But since it was a lease... you really don't own it.  And the manufacture decided they were changing their logo... and they came out and painted the new logo across the hood of your new car.  And this logo was a big harry penis with a smile.  Even if it's done well, it's not the car you chose, and it is not socially acceptable.   At this point... you would no longer like to be associated with it, and you would be embarrassed to be seen in it.

Sure, there would be a law suit over that... but it's the same thing.  You are with someone based on being attracted.  If they make themselves unattractive... then you will be miserable to stay.

2) As it's coming out now... she has a "I don't care" kind of attitude.  This is not a person you can spend you life with.  There will be a lot of bad choices... and she won't care about your input. Unfortunately... based on that alone... you should consider moving on.

3)  To the comment of the peliton... even if that was a bad spending choice.... unlike a tattoo... it can be sold.

OP... I know it's not easy... but it sounds like you are incompatible, and this subject is the tip of the iceberg. 

You forgot the trauma he's been through! 

[mortonc57]

On 7/21/2021 at 4:39 AM, Blind-Sided said:

OK... just a few random thoughts.  And before I start... yes... her life... her body, and she can do want she wants.  But....

1) Imagine you were leasing a new car, and you really like the way it looked.  But since it was a lease... you really don't own it.  And the manufacture decided they were changing their logo... and they came out and painted the new logo across the hood of your new car.  And this logo was a big harry penis with a smile.  Even if it's done well, it's not the car you chose, and it is not socially acceptable.   At this point... you would no longer like to be associated with it, and you would be embarrassed to be seen in it.

That's pretty much what my girlfriend said (or thought) when I returned from a trip with a pair of large Playboy bunnies tattooed on my arms.  I didn't tell her, and just showed up at her house wearing a tank top, so it was quite obvious.  I told her I may get a tattoo, but I don't think she thought I was serious, nor getting one so visible.

She let it go about a week, the denial stage, where for some reason she really thought they were not permanent.  Then I showed up to her house to go out with her, and she looked at my tattoos and said she tried (twice), but can't be seen with me looking like I do.  She was embarrassed to be seen with me now, and her friends all have said stuff to her about me and my tattoos.

We broke up, and now I have mixed feelings, as had I known my tattoos would break us up, maybe I wouldn't have got them.  But they are there, and I do think they are cool and part of my look.

playboy car

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, mortonc57 said:

That's pretty much what my girlfriend said (or thought) when I returned from a trip with a pair of large Playboy bunnies tattooed on my arms.  I didn't tell her, and just showed up at her house wearing a tank top, so it was quite obvious.  I told her I may get a tattoo, but I don't think she thought I was serious, nor getting one so visible.

She let it go about a week, the denial stage, where for some reason she really thought they were not permanent.  Then I showed up to her house to go out with her, and she looked at my tattoos and said she tried (twice), but can't be seen with me looking like I do.  She was embarrassed to be seen with me now, and her friends all have said stuff to her about me and my tattoos.

We broke up, and now I have mixed feelings, as had I known my tattoos would break us up, maybe I wouldn't have got them.  But they are there, and I do think they are cool and part of my look.

playboy car

If yours are on your arms... then a long sleeve shirt will take care of the issue.  You can still be a respectable business man if you wanted to.  BUT... put them on your neck or hands... then you approached a different realm. And that's really the point of this thread.  

[Origin]

Just updating. 

 

We spoke and I apologized for overacting the first time. it was a good conversation.  I asked why she wanted it in that location and she said that was just a thought, but she isn't going to proceed with it because it means that much to me. 

[Cookiesandough]

Lol if you just did that all of this could have been avoided.  That’s good news though. Glad she wasn’t serious. I kind of thought that when you said it’s her first and she had not even shown you a design.  Also good news : my parents just gave their reluctant approval of my first tattoo 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough
I

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Origin said:

I asked why she wanted it in that location and she said that was just a thought

Excellent. Is she usually flighty and impulsive and sort of blurts out random thoughts as if they are concrete well thought out plans?

That's a miscommunication I have myself. Flighty people who just sort of "think aloud" a lot as if something is a plan rather than a fleeting idea, make me nuts.

[spiderowl]

Glad it seems to have been resolved, OP.  I can see where you are coming from.

Personally, I don't mind tattoos on other people but I do find it rather disturbing when people keep adding tattoos and piercings.  I think it is partly because of the permanent nature of it and partly because I am super sensitive to pain - I cannot imagine anyone wanting to go through that for fun.  In my mind, I have concluded that it is not done just for art's sake or for personal memorial or inspirational reasons but because that person is less sensitive in some way and therefore very different to me.  When people repeatedly go back for these 'procedures', it bothers me.  I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had a need for this kind of body modification, however popular it was.

If you met your girlfriend and you accepted her as she was, then suddenly she turns round and says she wants to add another tattoo, where does it end?  Even if he 'copes' with that because he loves her, there is the possibility that she is going to keep doing this.  It is a display and like any kind of display a kind of provocation.  You will notice it because I have put it up here for you to notice.  One wonders what the person wants to provoke?  Some people do seem to get addicted to having tattoos.  I am not saying that all people with tattoos are the same but there is an aspect of oddness to it, in the same way that people who become addicted to plastic surgery are going above and beyond.

Apart from the above waffle, my thought is that the OP needs to separate out what matters to him from what matters to his family.  His family's preferences as to how women look should not interfere in their relationship.  You are an adult, OP, and what matters is how you feel about it not your extended family.

Edited July 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[Love Yourself First]

I think some neck tats are good but you gotta have a good design concept, a good artist and a good tattoo artist, these 3 things are actually quite hard to find.

[mrs rubble]

On 7/28/2021 at 3:50 AM, Origin said:

Just updating. 

 

We spoke and I apologized for overacting the first time. it was a good conversation.  I asked why she wanted it in that location and she said that was just a thought, but she isn't going to proceed with it because it means that much to me. 

I'm glad to hear this conversation took place, I'm with you....neck tattoos look awful!! Google images of 'Millie Elder' (semi celebrity from NZ), she was such a pretty girl until she ruined her appearance with an ugly neck tattoo

[Acacia98]

On 7/19/2021 at 5:35 PM, poppyfields said:

But isnt HE also dismissing her feelings about wanting the tattoo?

I dont know, this is a tough call, not sure there is even a way to compromise.

Either she acquiesces or he does.

Soneone wins, someone loses. 

It is a tough call. I think in an ideal situation, each person would look out for the other's best interests. But I dont know what that would look like here.

I do have to say I find the almost automatic revulsion for tattoos I keep encountering very strange. It blows my mind that folks can have revolutionary views about something as fundamental as gender or sexuality but then be so conservative about tattoos. Where does that come from?

[Wiseman2]

On 7/27/2021 at 11:50 AM, Origin said:

I asked why she wanted it in that location and she said that was just a thought, but she isn't going to proceed with it because it means that much to me. 

Good. At least that's resolved. No one wants to make love to someone who starts looking like Mike Tyson.