Author Myabee Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: I may have mentioned this to you before...but in the aftermath of my affair and d-day I realized that there are questions in life I will never know the answer to. And that is okay. When my xMM dumped me the second time (yeah my plan did not work out) he said some pretty nasty things to me. I wondered, why would he say that? How could he say that? Why do that? And as I grew stronger I realized, I won't ever know why he did or said those things. And that is okay. I will be okay. I applied that to a situation I'd been ruminating about for 15+ years...why did my best friend ghost me? How could she do that? And I will never know the answer to that either. And it is okay, I am okay. I understand it may be hard to think that way right now when it's all so fresh, but maybe start incorporating those kind of thoughts in when you find yourself ruminating..."I will never know why he did that, and that is okay." And honestly I think this is where the closure comes from...coming to accept that one does not have all the answers, and accepting that one will be okay without them. Yes yes. Not having all the answers but yet like Mark said yesterday which was HUGE for me to hear... the bit about reaching closure by being content. Being content by not caring what he is up too, how his life is and so forth. That set well in my wrecked brain last night. So Mark if you read this... THANK YOU!!! That is sooo good. Edited January 23, 2022 by Myabee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 I feel like you are trying to process this as a regular breakup. His loss, pros and cons, etc. None of those techniques really apply when the guy was never yours to begin with. He didn't lose you, you were never together. And there are no pros regarding the continuation of an affair, only pain and heartache. I think you will begin true healing when you can uncover why it is you chose this for yourself. I agree with @Wiseman2 that I think you were avoiding the pain of facing your own failed marriage and you got carried away with the unavailability of this man and the ego boost you got from the situation, didn't really have anything to do with the man himself. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 6 hours ago, Myabee said: Huh? This has been a great place to go back and forth. This thread started when the affair was still very much going and was still going until Nov. The real reality came this month. My focus now is to clean up the mental mess I'm left with. I come on here this am with positives feeling better and this is what I get? Sorry but no one is here to coddle you M and people are right, to continue to put all of your concentration on this man is not healthy no matter what this therapist tells you. At some point you have to put one foot in front of the other and try to move one. Waiting until this thread reaches 200 pages isn't going to cut it. You are just wallowing in grief and self pity. We want to see a new thread about how and what you are doing to move forward from this affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 36 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: I feel like you are trying to process this as a regular breakup. His loss, pros and cons, etc. None of those techniques really apply when the guy was never yours to begin with. He didn't lose you, you were never together. And there are no pros regarding the continuation of an affair, only pain and heartache. I think you will begin true healing when you can uncover why it is you chose this for yourself. I agree with @Wiseman2 that I think you were avoiding the pain of facing your own failed marriage and you got carried away with the unavailability of this man and the ego boost you got from the situation, didn't really have anything to do with the man himself. I will process this the way I wish. Thank you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 7 hours ago, Myabee said: Oh now now... That tapping stuff does not work... not for me anyway. That's probably the biggest scam out there in my opinion. The list helped me. The excercise ( physical) I just did helped. The con's are strong... it helps rationalize that huge deal breakers existed so why even entertain thoughts of him. I should have been thinking that many months ago. 🤦♀️ Hmmm, well we must have different definitions of "scam." It's a tool that can be done at home, unlike EMDR which requires a licensed therapist. It's not unlike meditation. It's fine if you don't like it, but I don't see how anybody is benefiting by claiming they find it useful and suggesting others might. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 5 hours ago, Myabee said: Yes. And I just got to this stage. That call you know the one that gave me peace per say, it did some yes for sure. Then it turned to sadness because that was when it was really over. Yeah I know it was over long before that like in NOV.. but No way I could even entertain that part at all back then Hence why you wanted to keep the connection going by contacting BW. Try to start noticing when you contradict yourself -- you can learn to make better choices if you recognize when you must be acting irrationally because it doesn't line up with your prior claims. You claimed so adamantly that you had all the closure you needed because he was a liar, you were well rid of him, etc. Then you turned on a dime and said, oh no, he owes me an explanation so I can move on. Then in the midst of demanding an explanation, you tried to manipulate him into being friends/ongoing contact. That didn't work, so your subconscious is searching for new reasons why you must be in touch. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 22 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: Hmmm, well we must have different definitions of "scam." It's a tool that can be done at home, unlike EMDR which requires a licensed therapist. It's not unlike meditation. It's fine if you don't like it, but I don't see how anybody is benefiting by claiming they find it useful and suggesting others might. I'm fully aware of emotional freedom technique. Actually, some places charge for it and bring you in for a session. Personally, I know many it did nothing for and it was costly. I could see it used for possible anxiety but not for affair recovery. I would be better off with CBT and might look into that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 23, 2022 Author Share Posted January 23, 2022 22 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: Hence why you wanted to keep the connection going by contacting BW. Try to start noticing when you contradict yourself -- you can learn to make better choices if you recognize when you must be acting irrationally because it doesn't line up with your prior claims. You claimed so adamantly that you had all the closure you needed because he was a liar, you were well rid of him, etc. Then you turned on a dime and said, oh no, he owes me an explanation so I can move on. Then in the midst of demanding an explanation, you tried to manipulate him into being friends/ongoing contact. That didn't work, so your subconscious is searching for new reasons why you must be in touch. Nope. I do not want to be in touch. We are not friends that is not happening. I did get some much needed peace from the phone call and I will leave it at that. Will take the advice of the person who mentioned not telling the wife at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 Please don’t contact him again. It’s not healthy for you. I think you know that but have a plan if the temptation becomes too much. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 24, 2022 Author Share Posted January 24, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Please don’t contact him again. It’s not healthy for you. I think you know that but have a plan if the temptation becomes too much. No more temptation with him. Zero... number now shredded before it was written down. Lot's of shredding went on this weekend. Also came as far as losing that feeling of having to tell him things. That's another big step in my head. Edited January 24, 2022 by Myabee Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 24, 2022 Share Posted January 24, 2022 4 minutes ago, Myabee said: No more temptation with him. Zero... number now shredded before it was written down. Lot's of shredding went on this weekend. Also came as far as losing that feeling of having to tell him things. That's another big step in my head. Feelings reflect a single moment in time. When you say things like this -- that you have no more temptation with him -- you set yourself up for failure. Recognize that your feelings change moment by moment. Don't let the swinging pendulum steer you off course. Base your decisions on reason and stick to it even when you are tempted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 24, 2022 Author Share Posted January 24, 2022 18 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: Feelings reflect a single moment in time. When you say things like this -- that you have no more temptation with him -- you set yourself up for failure. Recognize that your feelings change moment by moment. Don't let the swinging pendulum steer you off course. Base your decisions on reason and stick to it even when you are tempted. Yes.I agree to base it on reason. This is the first weekend I really used good reason as for deleting traces of him. As for informing the wife... Backing away from that. Will let more time pass weeks... months... see where it's at. I'm just hoping by then I will be past most of this. I see the next month as presenting more healing challenges. But then again I guess you can't put a time limit on this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted January 28, 2022 Author Share Posted January 28, 2022 Saying Hi. Keeping reason this week anyway. Day by day. Just a thanks for you all❤️ 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted February 5, 2022 Author Share Posted February 5, 2022 If a mod can lock this thread I would appreciate it. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted February 5, 2022 Senior Moderators Share Posted February 5, 2022 Thread locked as per OPs request Link to post Share on other sites
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