12 years since break up and bang, hurting again after seeing him!

[Searchin81]

So I ran into my ex last night. I haven’t seen him or text with him since 2017.. I still have thought about him often, but it’s kind of a pain that is there, but life moved on. Please check my old post if u want more specifics on our history.. in. Brief.. broke up 2009, he married shortly after, told me he always loved me the most, ended up divorced, we talked for a few years he always told me I was The one, not sure I believed him as he never made actions to get back together.. anyway..

I was at a bar last night celebrating the long weekend, I turn around and who is right behind me… we where both shocked..last time I got a text from him was end of 2019 and it was just a meme.. he will sometimes send me a meme but doesn’t say anything, as if he expects I will start the conversation, but I got hard and stoped going for the bate and would only put a “like”. So now I’m missing him all over, my heart is hurting, he kept looking at me all night and trying to not look, while he is with someone who is 22 years younger than he is.  I get the feeling that he always loved me the most but no clue about why he doesn’t do anything. 
 

I just can’t believe home much I still deeply love him after all these years.. it is not like this for anyone else I ever was with. I think he feels the same way and once he told me a few years ago.. “that every single time he sees me  “It kills him, and kills him to leave me”.  And one time  in 2016 crying on my shoulder he said “don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you”, I dont know what he expects me to do in not giving up. 

I kept my conversation with him very brief just formal “how are you “ and I turned around to continue my conversation I was having with a friend. Then seen him with his significant other, but he kept looking in my direction, then walked by me and said my name as he was Leaving with his significant other in front of him. 

im just now in shambles and can’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t sleep, wondering if I should text him. I feel like it could be true love but neither of us know what to do. 
 

thoughs? Suggestions?

[MsJayne]

What do you have to lose by sending him a text saying how you feel? Because if you feel you can't do that, then you don't really have the connection you think you do. It would bother me that he was with someone 22 years younger than him, that smacks of immaturity and egotism and makes me wonder if he doesn't just enjoy the idea of you pining away for him. Just do it and bugger the consequences, it may be the road to happiness, and if not it will give you the impetus to move on. 

[Searchin81]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

What do you have to lose by sending him a text saying how you feel? Because if you feel you can't do that, then you don't really have the connection you think you do. It would bother me that he was with someone 22 years younger than him, that smacks of immaturity and egotism and makes me wonder if he doesn't just enjoy the idea of you pining away for him. Just do it and bugger the consequences, it may be the road to happiness, and if not it will give you the impetus to move on. 

 Thank you for the response. I also wonder if he enjoys the idea of me pining for him. Yes he’s in his very late 40s and the person he is with now is  24. I went for a drive tonight and cried my eyes out thinking of him. I just can’t believe the hold he had had on me for so long and how much I still love him. I may or may not send a small text. I’m weighing it in my head. Also afraid he might not answer, in dec 2019 he sent me some memes and didn’t say anything… and I got them like a week apart after a long time of no texting… I did not respond to him because I feel I could’ve been being baited into him wanting me to start a conversation.. no idea why he did it. Then last last june I sent him an emoji without words kinda like he did to me, and he didn’t respond.. so no idea. Just what can be going on in his head?! 

[MsJayne]

16 hours ago, Searchin81 said:

Just what can be going on in his head?! 

OK, so I read your post on your breakup and the interim goings on. Either this guy's crazy about you, or he's just crazy.  Don't let too many more days go by without finding out. Send him a text, ask him out on a date, just a coffee, whatever, but do take the chance and contact him. He stopped messaging you because he thought you weren't interested. I think he married his wife on the rebound from you, and you're right to not get involved while he's still married regardless of separation. Maybe you're the only woman he'd bother getting a divorce for. 

[Searchin81]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

OK, so I read your post on your breakup and the interim goings on. Either this guy's crazy about you, or he's just crazy.  Don't let too many more days go by without finding out. Send him a text, ask him out on a date, just a coffee, whatever, but do take the chance and contact him. He stopped messaging you because he thought you weren't interested. I think he married his wife on the rebound from you, and you're right to not get involved while he's still married regardless of separation. Maybe you're the only woman he'd bother getting a divorce for. 

Oh that marriage ended 5 6 years ago and he was telling me he loved me the most while married… he now dating at 25 yo and he in his late 40s..

[MsJayne]

8 minutes ago, Searchin81 said:

Oh that marriage ended 5 6 years ago and he was telling me he loved me the most while married… he now dating at 25 yo and he in his late 40s..

Yes, but I thought he still hadn't divorced the wife?  Whatever, I still think you should contact him and get things straight, otherwise you'll be in limbo 'til who knows when.... no disrespect intended towards the 25yo, but I doubt he's dating her because they connect on a deep and meaningful level, (if they're a typical older man-younger woman relationship it'll be him feeding his ego, "Hey, I can still pull 25 yo's", and her feeding something much more complicated, "Great, I've found a substitute daddy"), so I wouldn't be worrying that I was interfering in a Romeo & Juliet scenario, and if you were I'm sure he'd tell you. I just really think you should bite the bullet and do it. 

[Searchin81]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, but I thought he still hadn't divorced the wife?  Whatever, I still think you should contact him and get things straight, otherwise you'll be in limbo 'til who knows when.... no disrespect intended towards the 25yo, but I doubt he's dating her because they connect on a deep and meaningful level, (if they're a typical older man-younger woman relationship it'll be him feeding his ego, "Hey, I can still pull 25 yo's", and her feeding something much more complicated, "Great, I've found a substitute daddy"), so I wouldn't be worrying that I was interfering in a Romeo & Juliet scenario, and if you were I'm sure he'd tell you. I just really think you should bite the bullet and do it. 

Oh they also moved in together very quick.. this person already moved in with him after a short time… he jumps into relationships quickly 

[MsJayne]

1 minute ago, Searchin81 said:

Oh they also moved in together very quick.. this person already moved in with him after a short time… he jumps into relationships quickly 

Oh dear....that makes it a bit sticky. How do you think she would feel if she knew he was eyeballing you across the bar the other night? The fact that he was doing that tells you he's not in love. Do you think it was just a coincidence that he was right behind you at the bar? 

[Searchin81]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Oh dear....that makes it a bit sticky. How do you think she would feel if she knew he was eyeballing you across the bar the other night? The fact that he was doing that tells you he's not in love. Do you think it was just a coincidence that he was right behind you at the bar? 

Hmmm not sure.., but I know he def kept looking at me while dancing with her.. then when leaving he walked by me she was a few ft in font him he walked by me looked at me said my name and reached out for my hand 

[MsJayne]

Was it you that ended the relationship in 2009?  

[Searchin81]

37 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Was it you that ended the relationship in 2009?  

Prob both of us… I think we where in love.. to be honest I was his first serious relationship, he never dated anyone for a long period of time.. I’m not sure he was able to recognize what real love was. I’m pretty sure we had it. But he had nothing to compare it to.. I feel that in his successive relationships he realized how special it was. I knew that it was I had other relationships prior. And I always felt that while we had a few problems… the most was good. He might be a classic story of not realizing the extent of his love and how it has endured for years until it was too late, and doesn’t know what to do… and I don’t know what to to.. Maybe we are scared of each other?! He told me before he compares everyone to me… and i will say..he was the most loving caring person I knew ever in my life… he taught me what love is. I never had a loving family or partners I was crazy about. But there was a lot of love there.  And in our break up he taught me a lot of valuable lessons that I have looked at and changed some things I wasn’t good at. Despite all these games… and whatever his issues are.   Deep down he said s the most loving kind person I know who would help anyone. I failed to appreciate that when I was with him. And I think that’s why he moves so quick. He needs love and can’t be alone.. me on the other hand no problem being single. I’m not gonna settle if I don’t love them 100% like I did him.. I feel like I am half assing it when I do. 

[MsJayne]

You just need to contact him and let que sera take care of the rest. And no sending him memes or emojis !  Words are what's needed here. Just a plain old, "Hey, why don't we catch up for a coffee?" will do to start. 

[Searchin81]

Ya.. I just don’t understand what his angle is… like when we talked a few years ago he would say everything except… “I want u back” and somtimes he did say it and would apologize, or say forget what I said ect 

[Searchin81]

I also don’t understand what these people he gets in a relationship with have over me.. some of them aren’t very educated, are kind of trashy, I spend time comparing what do they have over me..but there isn’t much,  but then he says I was the best.. why is he not with me? Do I make him feel intimidated, less than? 

[mark clemson]

Sounds like this has re-triggered old feelings for you. However, that re-triggering should pass/fade away. Have your own stuff going on (relationships, etc) and you'll worry less about him. Don't fall for the breadcrumbs, "you were the one" etc, even if it were true, it just let's him keep a foothold in your head while he goes on with his own life without you. Seems like that is what you need to do as well, just even more so than you already are.

Right now he is an orbiter and they sometimes can interfere with forming new relationships in various ways. Not sure if he is doing that, but consider e.g. the emotional distraction this is causing for you. Perhaps a firm commitment to be completely done with him would be helpful vs. what is perhaps some "hopium" and "compare and despair" on your part.

Edited June 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

On 6/1/2021 at 12:26 AM, MsJayne said:

It would bother me that he was with someone 22 years younger than him, that smacks of immaturity and egotism and makes me wonder if he doesn't just enjoy the idea of you pining away for him. Just do it and bugger the consequences, it may be the road to happiness, and if not it will give you the impetus to move on. 

Exactly.  He reminds me of an ex who always told me I was "the one" while marrying someone else.   That is all just chatter.  If he felt that way when he divorced his wife why wasn't he pursuing "the one" to be with?  His ego was fed pretty good last night dancing with his 22 year old while titillating the heart of the older woman.  What a stud he's thinking.   It's holding on to the idea that he still is secretly in love with you is what will keep you stuck on him while he's dating women in their 20s.   Don't fall for thst bull.

[Searchin81]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Exactly.  He reminds me of an ex who always told me I was "the one" while marrying someone else.   That is all just chatter.  If he felt that way when he divorced his wife why wasn't he pursuing "the one" to be with?  His ego was fed pretty good last night dancing with his 22 year old while titillating the heart of the older woman.  What a stud he's thinking.   It's holding on to the idea that he still is secretly in love with you is what will keep you stuck on him while he's dating women in their 20s.   Don't fall for thst bull.

I don’t mean to sound conceded… he’s not with a model… lol. I’m much better looking at 40 and I work out… let’s just say she doesn’t go to the gym. I’m pretty sure if I was up against her, most would still prefer me. 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, Searchin81 said:

I don’t mean to sound conceded… he’s not with a model… lol. I’m much better looking at 40 and I work out… let’s just say she doesn’t go to the gym. I’m pretty sure if I was up against her, most would still prefer me. 

Fat or not, she's still 22 and that alone makes him feel like a stud especially if he himself isn't that good looking.

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, Searchin81 said:

I also don’t understand what these people he gets in a relationship with have over me.. some of them aren’t very educated, are kind of trashy, I spend time comparing what do they have over me..but there isn’t much,  but then he says I was the best.. why is he not with me? Do I make him feel intimidated, less than? 

Plenty of men get into relationships with women who don't mean much to them simply for regular sex, and if they go for someone who they perceive as lower social status and intellectually inferior it gives them all the power in the relationship and then they can never get hurt. They probably don't even realise what they're doing, or maybe they do, but they would never admit it. I think you have to be the one who makes the first move, because it does sound like he's afraid of rejection, maybe sees you as out of his league. 

[Searchin81]

56 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Plenty of men get into relationships with women who don't mean much to them simply for regular sex, and if they go for someone who they perceive as lower social status and intellectually inferior it gives them all the power in the relationship and then they can never get hurt. They probably don't even realise what they're doing, or maybe they do, but they would never admit it. I think you have to be the one who makes the first move, because it does sound like he's afraid of rejection, maybe sees you as out of his league. 

Could be.. years ago.. in one do the text he said now I won’t give him the time of day.. which isn’t true.. like hello I was answering him… to me that’s giving him the time of day.. and that’s interesting as to why he might have went with someone who is 22 years younger. I just don’t grasp it. If he loved me so much why doenst he ever say “let’s get back together and try again” he said everything but that. Tells me don’t give up on him and he won’t give up on me… but never said let’s get back.. what he think I’m supposed to do?!

[Snow_Queen]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

He reminds me of an ex who always told me I was "the one" while marrying someone else.   That is all just chatter.  If he felt that way when he divorced his wife why wasn't he pursuing "the one" to be with?  His ego was fed pretty good last night dancing with his 22 year old while titillating the heart of the older woman.  What a stud he's thinking.   It's holding on to the idea that he still is secretly in love with you is what will keep you stuck on him while he's dating women in their 20s.   Don't fall for thst bull.

Sounds like breadcrumbs. Never be anyone’s option. If he really wanted to work things out, he would have. He repeatedly chose someone else. That would be enough to kill any remaining feelings I had for someone. I think there’s a deeper issue here, though, given you still have feelings after all this time. It might be time to address why.

[Searchin81]

I just cant believe how much this has unsettled me.. and i stopped talking to him in 2016, seen him once in 17.. then didnt get a text again from him until Dec 2019 wich was just a meme and another shortly there after.. I just cant believe how much this just takes me back

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy doesn't sound like much of a prize, OP. 

What kind of man bahaves the way he does when he's married to or dating someone else? 

 

[Searchin81]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This guy doesn't sound like much of a prize, OP. 

What kind of man bahaves the way he does when he's married to or dating someone else? 

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t believe the range of emotions I’m going through. I honestly didn’t think this would happen as I haven’t seen him in or talk to him in four years.  Like I feel nauseous over it. And can’t sleep. My heart is breaking all over again. And I have been fine for years. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I feel this way still. And I haven’t talked to him in four years but based on his behavior and what he said years ago.. I still think he fees the same. I seen him keep looking at me, and say my name on the way out.. and put his hand out. It kills me 

[Searchin81]

9 minutes ago, Searchin81 said:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t believe the range of emotions I’m going through. I honestly didn’t think this would happen as I haven’t seen him in or talk to him in four years.  Like I feel nauseous over it. And can’t sleep. My heart is breaking all over again. And I have been fine for years. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I feel this way still. And I haven’t talked to him in four years but based on his behavior and what he said years ago.. I still think he fees the same. I seen him keep looking at me, and say my name on the way out.. and put his hand out. It kills me 

The other night I went for a drive in the car and just cried and cried and cried.. I just can’t Believe myself either. It’s crazy. But I just feel I love him still so much. And I just thinking of the years going by and that I’ll never love that way again. Like I have dated guys, I had previous relationships before and after. But NONE have got me like this. It’s torture, I thought I was over him. And bang. Now my heart is torn out all over again. I went from barley thinking about him to now thinking about him non stop since I seen him.