How much impact can a MIL have on a relationship?

[AlphaFemme99]

It would be easy to have a MIL to be who makes it clear she doesn’t like you but I have a cunning one who pretends to be sweet while poisoning my fiancé’s mind. 

There had always been reasons for her not to invite us over and then covid was a perfect excuse for her. Now after a death in the family in February, we have been by her side but she’s now starting to create problems again and subtly influencing him again in our relationship. 

she’s also relying on my fiancé to help her financially and he’s contributing some of his pay but after our living expenses that we both contribute towards, it doesn’t give us anything to save toward a wedding. 
Anyone been in a similar situation? I’m starting to feel like this mama’s boy will continue to seek her approval (she makes him feel like she does him a favour if she was to see him or for other minor things she does) 

Ive been nothing but kind, yet recently I have good reason to not need to visit again. I don’t feel the need to be nice to someone who hasn’t got the same intention towards me. She used to control her husband and wants to control her sons life too 

Anyone got tips on how they made a relationship work with an in-law or how they created distance? If I have kids, which I plan, no doubt she’ll want to have a big say on everything 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 poisoning my fiancé’s mind. 

 subtly influencing him again in our relationship. 

she’s also relying on my fiancé to help her financially and he’s contributing some of his pay 

Unfortunately your BF is the problem, not his mother. He is driving all this and wants all this.

You're just angry at her because it's an easier target than the real culprit,which is your BF.

Reconsider having a relationship that you're unhappy with and with someone who's family situation annoys you.

Keep your finances separate. If you continue with him, she will be part of your life. The umbilical cord is very strong here.

Are you from different cultures? You seem to have significantly different family values.

[AlphaFemme99]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately your BF is the problem, not his mother. He is driving all this and wants all this.

You're just angry at her because it's an easier target than the real culprit,which is your BF.

Reconsider having a relationship that you're unhappy with and with someone who's family situation annoys you.

Keep your finances separate. If you continue with him, she will be part of your life. The umbilical cord is very strong here.

Are you from different cultures? You seem to have significantly different family values.

We are both Australian and our actual problems started in our relationship shortly after I met her.
From going to a man who bent over backwards to impress me, because he had a lot of competition, when it got to the engagement the special surprise he had planned was dismissed by his mother who he told me said “if she truly loves you, she’ll be happy with anything”. 

There have been other bits of advice she’s shared that is shaping how he has started to act .. I saw a msg come up on his phone when he had it in the car to use the GPS .. her name and the words “she wants a millionaire..” as a start to a message after he whinged about how he couldn’t please me (after I brought up a valid point about my needs being ignored - nothing financial related) . It’s beyond ridiculous because I could’ve chosen any of the millionaires I was dating and he was the least well off and now I’m having it thrown in my face. I blame myself for doing the decent thing but saw him only at his best behaviour initially 

I honestly feel like my fiancé has become like a 15 year old. Yes, he’s been hit with a lot of sudden obstacles in life and is learning to cope better but it feels like a lot more baggage than I ever saw coming 😕

I tried to leave a few times and he threatened suicide.. now I feel awful because he lost a family member in February. The problems continue but I wonder if there will ever be time for me and the relationship or have I fallen into a trap of always being the giver emotionally 

[introverted1]

On 5/15/2021 at 6:56 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

We are both Australian and our actual problems started in our relationship shortly after I met her.
From going to a man who bent over backwards to impress me, because he had a lot of competition, when it got to the engagement the special surprise he had planned was dismissed by his mother who he told me said “if she truly loves you, she’ll be happy with anything”.

Context is important here.  If your bf was feeling stressed about making the engagement surprise special, it would be normal for his mom to reassure him that you'd be happy with whatever he did, since you are ostensibly in love.

Quote

There have been other bits of advice she’s shared that is shaping how he has started to act .. I saw a msg come up on his phone when he had it in the car to use the GPS .. her name and the words “she wants a millionaire..” as a start to a message after he whinged about how he couldn’t please me (after I brought up a valid point about my needs being ignored - nothing financial related) . It’s beyond ridiculous because I could’ve chosen any of the millionaires I was dating and he was the least well off and now I’m having it thrown in my face. I blame myself for doing the decent thing but saw him only at his best behaviour initially

You don't sound pleased with your fiance's financial standing.

What do you mean by the bolded?

Quote

I honestly feel like my fiancé has become like a 15 year old. Yes, he’s been hit with a lot of sudden obstacles in life and is learning to cope better but it feels like a lot more baggage than I ever saw coming 😕

I tried to leave a few times and he threatened suicide.. now I feel awful because he lost a family member in February. The problems continue but I wonder if there will ever be time for me and the relationship or have I fallen into a trap of always being the giver emotionally 

If you are not 100% sure you want to marry this man and spend a lifetime with him, the kindest thing you can do is to call off the engagement.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/15/2021 at 6:56 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

I honestly feel like my fiancé has become like a 15 year old.

True. Unfortunately you are trying to mother him, therefore see his real mother as a threat. He's depressed, won't get help, chronically threatens suicide and you are trying to micromanage that as well.

It would be best to step way back from this and consider you overall happiness not just telling people "I'm engaged!!"

[Cookiesandough]

A LOT. In kind of minor ways that slowly have an insidious effect. None at all if your relationship bond in a super strong, impenetrable fortress, but very few are not that way and although they’re strong enough, little things can chip away over time. I distantly know a handful of couples over the years that I would say a relative played a key part in the dissolution of the relationship 

[mark clemson]

On 5/15/2021 at 3:56 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

I tried to leave a few times and he threatened suicide.. now I feel awful because he lost a family member in February. The problems continue but I wonder if there will ever be time for me and the relationship or have I fallen into a trap of always being the giver emotionally 

Uh, this is ABOVE your paygrade dear. Even if it wasn't, you'd have to recuse yourself (since you're in a relationship).

He may end up dependent on you, in various ways, essentially permanently. You want a lifetime of this?

IMO, you should VERY SERIOUSLY reconsider marrying this person. A lifetime of trouble, potentially.

Seriously.

Consider breaking up and telling him you'll have him back IF he can get significant treatment AND get his life back together otherwise AS WELL.

Emotional issues of this magnitude are matters for professionals. In the short term, threats of suicide are matters for emergency responders.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Uh, this is ABOVE your paygrade dear. Even if it wasn't, you'd have to recuse yourself. Emotional issues of this magnitude are matters for professionals. In the short term, threats of suicide are matters for emergency responders.

Agree. This man is way too messed up to be in a relationship with, no less marry. He needs appropriate mental health care, not a GF. At this point, someone like this is more like an emotional vampire.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Context is important here.  If your bf was feeling stressed about making the engagement surprise special, it would be normal for his mom to reassure him that you'd be happy with whatever he did, since you are ostensibly in love.

You don't sound pleased with your fiance's financial standing.

What do you mean by the bolded?

If you are not 100% sure you want to marry this man and spend a lifetime with him, the kindest thing you can do is to call off the engagement.

A family member of his is famous and he wanted to propose at a big event there, and his mother is the manager. She was FURIOUS at him when she found out about his surprise, I was later to find out because he told me. 

He felt comfortable about it because his father had met me already and adored me. He had found the girl of his dreams and was deeply in love, so wanted to make the engagement in front of family and surprise me at a big event.
His mum had told him off and made excuses concerning others involved but she was the manager ffs - his proposal should not have been an issue and it would create more promo. She just said how dare you make this about you! 
Then told him it’s sweet he wanted to do something special like that but if I truly loved him, I’d be happy with anything 

I considered that because he had 2 relationships where the girls used him for fame and at that time he had more money, I thought they were just being careful and I was accomodating. 
But then his levels of effort seemed to drop with many things and he would sometimes accidentally throw into the conversation “my mother mentioned..” 

I think she would be making him question whether I truly love him and keep throwing hints at doing the bare minimum in a relationship. What might’ve been a test to start with has evolved into a man who looks torn and who doesn’t seem to respect me now .. I have put up with too much. I think his mother believes it’s her right to butt into his relationship (silently) because she was involved at one point with an ex who tried to get money from the family and was found guilty in court 

He (and his mother) are well aware I knew he wasn’t anywhere near rich when we got engaged so what I mean was I overlooked that. There were more positives at the time that outweighed that.

I was sought after by men who had businesses or high ranking jobs and were established and my partner knows I could’ve chosen that. He on the other hand was in a commission only role after being made redundant 

I don’t know why his mum can convince him that if I’m not happy due to other aspects going wrong in the relationship, it’s actually because I want a rich man. 
This is just the nutshell.. all these other minor aspects but I’m convinced she has been fcking with the relationship since the first day she met me, when she ignored me. She has pretended to be sweet since but conniving  
 

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

A LOT. In kind of minor ways that slowly have an insidious effect. None at all if your relationship bond in a super strong, impenetrable fortress, but very few are not that way and although they’re strong enough, little things can chip away over time. I distantly know a handful of couples over the years that I would say a relative played a key part in the dissolution of the relationship 

I think you’re right. My fiancé went from a man who was to a point, obsessed. He’d call/text 24/7 practically when we were apart. He was so deeply in love. He has over time been minimising effort under his mother’s advice, gradually but surely. His respect had dropped and a whole lot of other things .. small but they sum up to big things.
Each time I speak up he sounds really surprised it’s that bad .. he thinks the relationship is overall great. Yes, for him it may be. The times I was ready to leave he would get so wound up and impulsive.. it’s so unhealthy. He once told me he feels torn apart in his head -  I know exactly why. His mind is telling him one thing.. his mother is telling him another thing. 
Long story short I think it’s part of why he thinks about ending his life at times .. the psychological manipulation his mother plays (yet he doesn’t realise it) 

his mum had his dad wrapped around her finger and it’s clear she is controlling her sons life too. If he hadn’t had the recent loss of his dad, I would be leaving sooner (I had just returned from 6 weeks of space to clear my head and he also knew this was the last chance). Now I’m certain if he loses me so soon after losing his dad 3 months ago, he will fall off the edge. I can see how much pain he’s in .. I think I should wait a bit longer 😢

Edited May 17, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Uh, this is ABOVE your paygrade dear. Even if it wasn't, you'd have to recuse yourself (since you're in a relationship).

He may end up dependent on you, in various ways, essentially permanently. You want a lifetime of this?

IMO, you should VERY SERIOUSLY reconsider marrying this person. A lifetime of trouble, potentially.

Seriously.

Consider breaking up and telling him you'll have him back IF he can get significant treatment AND get his life back together otherwise AS WELL.

Emotional issues of this magnitude are matters for professionals. In the short term, threats of suicide are matters for emergency responders.

You’re right. It is way ABOVE .. that’s why it’s almost laughable to me. I started as friends with this guy (flatmates) and he would see these wonderful, established dates drop me off home after date 3, 5 , 12 etc).

Great guys but I had too many options so was incredibly choosy. The advantage he had was more of my time and we ended with with so much in common and the same life values so I agreed to go exclusive, thinking if it doesn’t work I have plenty to choose from. (all that was his disadvantage at the time was he was in a commission job after redundancy and I overlooked that because he is brilliant and I know s*** happens to the best of us)

Little did I expect that when i did see problems and wanted to leave, it wouldn’t be as simple as I thought. I became stuck - on one hand I’m a strong woman that doesn’t take any s*** and on the other hand a kind, loving one. That side stayed to make sure he was ok after he took too many painkillers 

look, he has a lot of potential and is a good man but does need to get his s*** together - he was so close to getting out of a rut but corona pulled him backwards and he fell into depression. I think these painkillers in general contribute to his mess and he’ll have surgery with a couple of months so a big part of his problems will be eased after that. Strong pain can’t be easy. He also will be able to start a better job after surgery now that restrictions have eased and we can put our savings towards a business we have in mind. 

Early this year I made a plan and i would call emergency services if he threatened suicide and I took 6 weeks space which he reluctantly agreed to. When I returned, this was our last chance and I found a good relationship counsellor too, which he agreed upon. Half a week after my return and things so far starting out really well, his dad died. He is a mess and is broken. The bond had been very strong (I knew his dad only briefly but I can understand- one of the kindest men. We got along immediately)

You have an idea of the obstacle I’m facing. What you said about taking him back if and when he has his life back together was exactly my plan after coming back from space and if I saw things weren’t improving... I wasn’t given that chance. He’s better but now needs to deal with a loss .. I don’t think he is able to be 100% at this time 

If I leave too soon and say that, I can honestly say he’s not just mentioning suicide to manipulate me to stay. It is possible because I see his pain even though he tries to man up.

i don’t want him to give up 🙈 I don’t know what to do but my intuition is telling me wait it out longer, back away a bit from being the carer.. take as much space as possible and focus on myself .. go to the relationship counselling (starting July) .. be there for him when he gets his surgery and the recovery. This will go til end Aug approximately.

I’ll then decide towards the end of the year before our lease end .. move forward together or go our separate ways. I think that’s reasonable. 
Thoughts? 

 

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[AlphaFemme99]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. Unfortunately you are trying to mother him, therefore see his real mother as a threat. He's depressed, won't get help, chronically threatens suicide and you are trying to micromanage that as well.

It would be best to step way back from this and consider you overall happiness not just telling people "I'm engaged!!"

Nah I don’t care what people think .. I could be engaged again within a year if I want. 
I’m not threatened by his mum or trying to take over the role - yes I’m a manager by nature but I want an equal partnership 

My concerns about the MIL are warranted as her manipulation IS affecting the relationship at already difficult and vulnerable circumstances 

This is basically me posting and trying to clear my head by putting it into words and seeing others perspectives. The right thing to do is really easy if it didn’t involve the possibility of suicide. This forum has given me insight and I’ll look into inpatient programs for him. I’m close to leaving so I want peace of mind he’ll be ok 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

2 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

The right thing to do is really easy if it didn’t involve the possibility of suicide. 

When I left my ex, I knew he was a suicide risk.  It's scary to do, but we can't sacrifice ourselves so that someone else is able to hold it together.  Their mental health is their responsibility.

And yes, my ex did attempt suicide - but I never regretted leaving.  It was what I had to do.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

. I think these painkillers in general contribute to his mess . 

 I made a plan and i would call emergency services if he threatened suicide  

What is he on pain pills for? Is he addicted to opioids? Or is he bipolar or both?

It's unclear if you claim all sorts of successful men are chasing you, why you are chasing an addict with serious mental illnesses and a mother he still has the umbilical cord attached to?

[AlphaFemme99]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is he on pain pills for? Is he addicted to opioids? Or is he bipolar or both?

It's unclear if you claim all sorts of successful men are chasing you, why you are chasing an addict with serious mental illnesses and a mother he still has the umbilical cord attached to?

I’m not chasing him .. we’re engaged and things were really good until he got depressed. We were living together so that was his advantage - I gave him more time than the others and things were wonderful 

Mentioned a few times I was going to leave after changes and my dilemmas with why I stayed. 
He is on painkillers until he gets an operation, which had been postponed because of covid. He happened to use them to try overdose because he doesn’t want to imagine life without me. I didn’t get to understand the depth of the problems with his mother early on because there were relevant reasons why we couldn’t see her. Found out gradually about her conversations with him 

 

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I was sought after by men who had businesses or high ranking jobs and were established and my partner knows I could’ve chosen that. He on the other hand was in a commission only role after being made redundant 

In this thread & your other one about this guy's suicidal ideation, you make these statements that set you up as a sought after partner & make it sound like he "won" you.  Now you seem to be expect to be treated like the prize you think you are.  You talk a lot about money & status.  To the end, maybe his mother's warning about you wanting a millionaire aren't that far off the mark. 

You are unhappy in this engagement.  You don't feel valued.  He's suicidal.  You don't like his mother but don't seem to grasp that she's not going away or that his financial obligations may increase over the years. I'm not entirely sure you even like him.  You certainly don't respect him.  

Perhaps it's time for you to really think about whether you should marry.  

Edited May 18, 2021 by d0nnivain

[AlphaFemme99]

50 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

In this thread & your other one about this guy's suicidal ideation, you make these statements that set you up as a sought after partner & make it sound like he "won" you.  Now you seem to be expect to be treated like the prize you think you are.  You talk a lot about money & status.  To the end, maybe his mother's warning about you wanting a millionaire aren't that far off the mark. 

You are unhappy in this engagement.  You don't feel valued.  He's suicidal.  You don't like his mother but don't seem to grasp that she's not going away or that his financial obligations may increase over the years. I'm not entirely sure you even like him.  You certainly don't respect him.  

Perhaps it's time for you to really think about whether you should marry.  

I see where you’re coming from but I mentioned the above in response to the fact his mother is trying to tell him I want a millionaire. In my context I said he clearly knows that I could’ve had that if it was what I looked for. He even told me he asked his fathers advice in the early stages because he had feelings for me but was in a long queue. His words not mine 

This has nothing to do with financial stuff but other problems that are big enough I believe to not be ignored. The only time financial will be a problem is if he decides to help his mother to the detriment of important matters in our life but she shouldn’t have a problem if she sells her house and downgrades - that would sort out the mortgage issue as she’s not working

my posts are about two main factors - a partner who used to be loving and our relationship was equally giving to one that is now depressed and self absorbed after a number of huge blows. Plus a meddling MIL. 
I still have feelings for him but won’t accept bad behaviour like taking stress out on me.
I’m not even planning a wedding yet by the way as I’m holding onto any last hope of staying together. Hard to say but also have to be realistic  

[d0nnivain]

29 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I still have feelings for him but won’t accept bad behaviour like taking stress out on me.

Boundaries are important but everyone takes their stress out on a partner once in a while.  We all snap at our SOs. 

Obviously the relationship is changing & you are no longer as happy as you were.  Marriage needs to be on hold under those circumstances at least until his mental health stabilizes.  

[TaintedLuv]

I just broke up with my bf of over a year and one of the first things he threw in my face was my relationship with this mother. I think it depends on their relationship too. In my case, they’re very close. She pays half his rent, bails him out financially if he gets into a jam. She lives across the country but they talk everyday etc. The first time we met, she was beyond rude to me for no reason other than she felt I should’ve been wearing a mask and I was going to give her COVID.  I cried the entire car ride home alone because I knew that was the beginning of the end. After that day, things were never the same. He thought I hated her and I simply felt disrespected. I caught him cheating and he was texting the OW about his mom and his response to me was “well I can’t talk to you about her”.  I know there are people out there that don’t get along with their inlaws but it’s a deal breaker for me. He’ll never pick you over his mom. 

[AlphaFemme99]

7 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

I just broke up with my bf of over a year and one of the first things he threw in my face was my relationship with this mother. I think it depends on their relationship too. In my case, they’re very close. She pays half his rent, bails him out financially if he gets into a jam. She lives across the country but they talk everyday etc. The first time we met, she was beyond rude to me for no reason other than she felt I should’ve been wearing a mask and I was going to give her COVID.  I cried the entire car ride home alone because I knew that was the beginning of the end. After that day, things were never the same. He thought I hated her and I simply felt disrespected. I caught him cheating and he was texting the OW about his mom and his response to me was “well I can’t talk to you about her”.  I know there are people out there that don’t get along with their inlaws but it’s a deal breaker for me. He’ll never pick you over his mom. 

I’m sorry to hear that but in retrospect you’ll know you dodged a bullet. A cheat will never be a good partner, even if there’s no difficult MIL in the picture. There’s never a good excuse for cheating 

I don’t think I’ll be in a much better position because even though he’s not cheating, I can see that her influence is messing with his mind. She pretends to like me so that makes it worse - he thinks she’s objectionable when she sneakily throws in stuff that makes him doubt the relationship 

when we finally got a chance to visit them late last year after all her covid excuses, first thing she said from a doorway was “no hugging” even though neither of us were going in for one. His father looked sad about it 

It’s at a point I don’t wanna see her again .. I can’t pretend to be cordial with someone I know for a fact is fake toward me. I comforted the family after her husbands death early this year and she again found reason to be a btch. 

Last time we visited, my fiancé picked me up from an appointment and I had a minor cold and he told me before we went in the house his mum had said “don’t bring her here if she’s sick” and then he tried to make it a small deal saying she was fine with it when he said it’s just a sniffle nothing major 

when I walked in he announced Mum, Steph is here .. she said nothing and I walked past her room to say hi and she said “wash your hands” .. she tells us that often as if we wouldn’t anyway 🙄 but a hi first wouldve been nice. Can u see why I can not see a relationship with him working with such a bad influence .. especially now they his kind father who adored me isn’t around  

 

 

 

[Caauug]

On 5/18/2021 at 10:33 PM, AlphaFemme99 said:

my posts are about two main factors - a partner who used to be loving and our relationship was equally giving to one that is now depressed and self absorbed after a number of huge blows.

Time is ticking, and you are spending it with someone that has mental illness and drug addiction. You can not fix him. It's time to look after yourself and get out. Your job is not to mother him, he has one already that he is close to. His mental illness or being suicidal is not your problem and will only drag you down farther. Dating and engagements are to get to know people and find out if you are compatible. This one has way too much effort required for you to make it work. Cut your losses and get out.

You say you want kids, but your BF is not in a steady income and gives money to his mother, why would that ever change for the better for you? Unless she is going to "Kick the bucket" in the next couple of years....

On 5/18/2021 at 9:47 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

yes I’m a manager by nature but I want an equal partnership 

You do not have an equal partnership. He is weak and his mother is controlling him, not you. Get back out and find a strong man, maybe then you will have an equal relationship.

 

On 5/18/2021 at 6:32 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

A family member of his is famous and he wanted to propose at a big event there, and his mother is the manager.

 Status: Is it worth the trouble? His mother can't get much money out of it, as he still gives her some from his only income that is commission. Bragging rights doesn't count for much, maybe you get the same last name if you marry him? Likely by the time your future kids get to be old enough to understand they have a famous family member none of there friends will know the name.... Why live on Struggle Street with a famous last name, when you can live on Easy Lane with any name? Is your BF displaying many of the good genes of the famous rellie???

You are not getting any younger. You state you can date the high quality or top tier men, IMO get out of this relationship and find someone that is less work. 

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Time is ticking, and you are spending it with someone that has mental illness and drug addiction. You can not fix him. It's time to look after yourself and get out. Your job is not to mother him, he has one already that he is close to. His mental illness or being suicidal is not your problem and will only drag you down farther. Dating and engagements are to get to know people and find out if you are compatible. This one has way too much effort required for you to make it work. Cut your losses and get out.

You say you want kids, but your BF is not in a steady income and gives money to his mother, why would that ever change for the better for you? Unless she is going to "Kick the bucket" in the next couple of years....

You do not have an equal partnership. He is weak and his mother is controlling him, not you. Get back out and find a strong man, maybe then you will have an equal relationship.

 

 Status: Is it worth the trouble? His mother can't get much money out of it, as he still gives her some from his only income that is commission. Bragging rights doesn't count for much, maybe you get the same last name if you marry him? Likely by the time your future kids get to be old enough to understand they have a famous family member none of there friends will know the name.... Why live on Struggle Street with a famous last name, when you can live on Easy Lane with any name? Is your BF displaying many of the good genes of the famous rellie???

You are not getting any younger. You state you can date the high quality or top tier men, IMO get out of this relationship and find someone that is less work. 

Nah it’s got nothing to do with a famous surname .. could’ve had that from men I dated rather than through their relatives 

just happened to have a lot in common when I was friends with (and then dating and engaged) to this man, who had the wonderful qualities of his kind father. These days he’s showing more qualities of his mother - very influenced by her at least

I know everything you say sounds sensible and it would’ve been easier if I had just left the other times I was going to and called paramedics .. I didn’t leave as I didn’t want to risk him harming himself. Now I’m waiting longer as he’s grieving. Can’t seem to get a break - this was the last chance I was giving it and our relationship can’t exactly progress when he’s so down 

He’s had more than a normal share of bad luck when his depression began last year but I’ve decided to wait until towards the end of the year to make my decision - unless something major happens where I know I can’t continue with it anymore 

 

[Wiseman2]

Be grateful you're not married and even more grateful this is not your mother-in-law.

You're mentally stuck, but with help from friends, family and therapists you'll be able to disentangle yourself rather easily.

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Can’t seem to get a break - this was the last chance I was giving it and our relationship can’t exactly progress when he’s so down

Sometimes you have to make things happen.... Your relationship can't progress when MIL is pulling the strings also. There is one too many people in this relationship, his mother isn't going anywhere..... 

[AlphaFemme99]

8 hours ago, Caauug said:

Sometimes you have to make things happen.... Your relationship can't progress when MIL is pulling the strings also. There is one too many people in this relationship, his mother isn't going anywhere..... 

What do you suggest when you say make things happen? 

Do you think his mum can have that much power if he loves me, as he supposedly tells me. Her influence is so strong .. I am clearly seeing him act in ways consistent with her messages to him (from what he shared - who knows how regularly it’s in his ear). Tbh I won’t lie if I said that if it had been the other way around and his dad was the one who is still with us, our relationship would be back to good. He adored me but the mother would make excuses to stop us visiting them 

I don’t know how I managed to have a man who was obsessed with me and want to do anything to make me happy .. to shortly after the first time I met (and was ignored by) his mother, I could see the changes begin  (she had an excuse that sounded legit to him. After that she pretended to be sweet because he had yelled at her and she knew being a b**** directly wouldn’t work) 

I snapped last night after he was giving me attitude and admitted I don’t want to marry him anymore. He swore and went to the couch but didn’t really do much else. Probably doesn’t take me seriously because I didn’t walk out the times I was going to. And I 100% would have in any other circumstance 

This morning I suggested he stay with his mum if he can’t open up to me about the grief and he comes back and tells me again he’s  struggling so much with wanting to stay alive - he’s hurting so badly (I can see it) but the only things keeping him alive are me and a project he’s passionate about. I helped him to discover his calling a year ago and he’s working toward it as his father was so proud and it’s something he enjoys. When I ask him if his remaining family also play a part in keeping him alive he averts the question