Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[Sun Seeker]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 this was a safe house she got placed in when she left her ex husband who was convicted of beating her up 5 times over 5 years..

tell you the kind of person she is, despite her past and getting knocked about, she still helps her ex, she lends him hoovers drives him to the garage to get his car fixed etc.  She told me once she feels sorry for him for being such a looser, he’s lost 5 jobs in as many years and he doesn’t declare his income just to avoids paying child maintenance..

So she gets placed in a safe house because her ex was beating her up... and now she drives him around, helps him, lets him borrow her things.. all because she feels sorry for him? And you think that's all fine? You cannot be serious.

Her actions definitely tell what kind of person she is... someone who has no idea what boundaries are. How on Earth you can be OK with her even still talking to her ex husband, let alone doing all these things for him... after what he has apparently done to her.

You clearly enjoy being taken for a mug so go ahead ignore everyone's advice and enjoy your 'relationship' if that's what you want to call it. Guess you will learn the hard way.

Edited May 22, 2021 by Punterxx

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

She said last night that she wanted to do it sooner rather than later before her health deteriorated..

Under ordinary circumstances this would be a significant RED FLAG. Given the health situation it's a little hard to say (or perhaps, hard to say that I blame her).

You mentioned her disease is incurable. Her health will deteriorate??

So basically you are going to be in a (mostly) sexless marriage playing caretaker to this woman (who to be fair probably has numerous good qualities, but still) AND probably taking care of her kid for her as well as her health deteriorates.

My friend, you are playing the "White Knight" here. Maybe you're ok with that and it's what you want, but I gotta warn you - I strongly suspect you're going to wake up one day in 10 years or so asking "why did I do this to myself"?

[Uruktopi]

Johny, 

Given what you go on posting, helping you with advise begins to look like a lost case.

My best hopes for you, though are improbable ones.

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Johny, 

Given what you go on posting, helping you with advise begins to look like a lost case.

My best hopes for you, though are improbable ones.

Is it not fair to say people who are involved in there current situation are last to realise it? Mainly because love is involved?

[elaine567]

I think part of the problem here is that you are short of other options, you have spent many years alone and now you have found a woman you are loathe to let her go in case another one doesn't come along.
BUT you seem to be a man with skills many woman would value.
Woman love  a man with DIY skills, with a kind heart and a loyal nature.
Do not sell yourself short.
 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Is it not fair to say people who are involved in there current situation are last to realise it? Mainly because love is involved?

True.

But results are usually independent of intentions, even best ones.

So, my friend, good luck.

[Jonny80]

4 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

True.

But results are usually independent of intentions, even best ones.

So, my friend, good luck.

I am starting to realise to some red flags, Iv politely brought some of them up during conversation...

considering the life experience my gf has had it is bizarre she’s ended up with me, she has this high flying job where she could afford to spend £2000 on shopping trips to London regularly,  she still has items such as sun glasses that cost over £600...

she often talks about flying around the world first class, dinning in 5 star Restaurants and how she would spend 15k on a holiday, she’s dated millionaire’s in the past..   

I’m starting to see this person in another light,    I’ll be honest and say I’m getting sick to death of her abrupt moody attitude towards me for little to no reason. Even asking a simple question like where does the sugar belong can get a snotty response.

Her daughter often gets it in the neck for little to nothing and complains her mum is short tempered and moody, I’m starting to see this.   I told her today how easy my single life was and stress free and how I never get time to myself being with her, all I got in reply was “think how I feel, I never get time to sit down and but you’re old life was boring and depressing”     
 

I am starting to see things more clearly now..

 

[Jonny80]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I think part of the problem here is that you are short of other options, you have spent many years alone and now you have found a woman you are loathe to let her go in case another one doesn't come along.
BUT you seem to be a man with skills many woman would value.
Woman love  a man with DIY skills, with a kind heart and a loyal nature.
Do not sell yourself short.
 

I do believe I have come to realise my strength and how much I could offer to any person in any relationship,  I think if her whole attitude doesn’t change she may wake up one day and realise she’s pushed me to far and I’ll be gone, but knowing her she’ll be going round telling everyone how unfair she’s been treated..

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I do believe I have come to realise my strength and how much I could offer to any person in any relationship,  I think if her whole attitude doesn’t change she may wake up one day and realise she’s pushed me to far and I’ll be gone, but knowing her she’ll be going round telling everyone how unfair she’s been treated..

Given that there's always two sides to a problem, pretty much every acrimonious break up is like this:  Both parties will tell others their version of events.  It's normal

[Cookiesandough]

Yea but first she said there’s no problem with what she did really , remember? Only when you were nagging/wouldn’t let it go she agreed probably to get you to quiet down 

16 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m sure of them, I see how they effect her, the medication doesn’t effect her judgment...

other than the issues I raised which I needed to clarify weather they were acceptable or not we do actually love each other and get on 90% of the time..

I myself have become a little bit more reserved about our relationship because of the sex talk which took place.  Iv never sat here and needed advice if I should be with this woman because she has an illness.. I accepted this part of about her from day 1..  her illness is not making her talk dirty to other men by all accounts!?

i want her to be happy because I love her,  but I won’t ever condone my gf or wife talking about anal sex to a man she hardly knows.

.

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I am starting to realise to some red flags, Iv politely brought some of them up during conversation...

considering the life experience my gf has had it is bizarre she’s ended up with me, she has this high flying job where she could afford to spend £2000 on shopping trips to London regularly,  she still has items such as sun glasses that cost over £600...

she often talks about flying around the world first class, dinning in 5 star Restaurants and how she would spend 15k on a holiday, she’s dated millionaire’s in the past..   

I’m starting to see this person in another light,    I’ll be honest and say I’m getting sick to death of her abrupt moody attitude towards me for little to no reason. Even asking a simple question like where does the sugar belong can get a snotty response.

Her daughter often gets it in the neck for little to nothing and complains her mum is short tempered and moody, I’m starting to see this.   I told her today how easy my single life was and stress free and how I never get time to myself being with her, all I got in reply was “think how I feel, I never get time to sit down and but you’re old life was boring and depressing”     
 

I am starting to see things more clearly now..

 

My guess is that if all she says is true, that she is miserable/unhappy/frustrated in the life she now finds herself in.
Ill, poor and no longer mixing with "the best".
She is "making do", she is also "making do" with you. She thus let's fly at you when she feels like it.
She feels you are lucky to have her so she can treat you how she likes.... 
Living with such a volatile person can be crazy making as you never know where you are with them.
You walk on egg shells hoping not to trigger them, you bite your tongue and you end up feeling very frustrated and miserable as you are never really heard.  

[Jonny80]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

My guess is that if all she says is true, that she is miserable/unhappy/frustrated in the life she now finds herself in.
Ill, poor and no longer mixing with "the best".
She is "making do", she is also "making do" with you. She thus let's fly at you when she feels like it.
She feels you are lucky to have her so she can treat you how she likes.... 
Living with such a volatile person can be crazy making as you never know where you are with them.
You walk on egg shells hoping not to trigger them, you bite your tongue and you end up feeling very frustrated and miserable as you are never really heard.  

I do see what you’re saying but I think if I choose to walk away its like saying she isn’t good enough or she doesn’t deserve to be happy..

I am trying to talk gently about things as not to upset her, one of the main reasons she can be snappy is because she lives in constant pain,  if I don’t accept her because of her illness it’s like saying she doesn’t deserve to be happy? Why would someone else take her on if I didn’t? 
 

we all deserve to be happy?

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I do believe I have come to realise my strength and how much I could offer to any person in any relationship,  I think if her whole attitude doesn’t change she may wake up one day and realise she’s pushed me to far and I’ll be gone, but knowing her she’ll be going round telling everyone how unfair she’s been treated..

That's another red flag: failure to hold herself accountable for her actions.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I do see what you’re saying but I think if I choose to walk away its like saying she isn’t good enough or she doesn’t deserve to be happy..

I am trying to talk gently about things as not to upset her, one of the main reasons she can be snappy is because she lives in constant pain,  if I don’t accept her because of her illness it’s like saying she doesn’t deserve to be happy? Why would someone else take her on if I didn’t? 
 

we all deserve to be happy?

You seem to have a bit of a martyr complex. If she deserves to be happy, why should you, out of all the people on earth, be the one to make her happy? Why can't she seek that happiness within herself? Why can't someone else be a better fit for her than you? 

It's admirable that you want to stand by her and support her in her illness. But there's more to her than her illness. She has a personality, she is a complete human being. And this human being seems to be incompatible with you in some ways that matter. So you need to pay attention to those incompatibilities. 

Also, as far as "we all deserve to be happy" goes, you are including yourself in that bit of wisdom, aren't you? Are you happy now? Will you be happy going forward?

Edited May 23, 2021 by Acacia98

[Taramere]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I do see what you’re saying but I think if I choose to walk away its like saying she isn’t good enough or she doesn’t deserve to be happy..

 

It's almost as though you're emotionally blackmailing yourself here!  So you're in a mindset whereby you finishing with her would mean that she isn't a good enough person/doesn't deserve to be happy.  If you don't get out of that mindset then there's a risk that you'll start looking for flaws and faults in her until you've managed to convince yourself that she's a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy....and that it's therefore okay to end the relationship.  You don't need to think a person is the Devil Incarnate to end a relationship with them.  Sometimes it just isn't working.

[Jonny80]

On 5/23/2021 at 7:26 PM, Acacia98 said:

You seem to have a bit of a martyr complex. If she deserves to be happy, why should you, out of all the people on earth, be the one to make her happy? Why can't she seek that happiness within herself? Why can't someone else be a better fit for her than you? 

It's admirable that you want to stand by her and support her in her illness. But there's more to her than her illness. She has a personality, she is a complete human being. And this human being seems to be incompatible with you in some ways that matter. So you need to pay attention to those incompatibilities. 

Also, as far as "we all deserve to be happy" goes, you are including yourself in that bit of wisdom, aren't you? Are you happy now? Will you be happy going forward?

I’m not sure what the future holds, Iv forgiven her for the sex talk in the pub and I’m trying to concentrate on the positive side of things..

one thing that threw a little spanner in the works was today,  she’s having a birthday dinner with a female friend this week, I said the one who wears heels for her man, and she said yes she’s very open, so I said “don’t be open back and go telling her about our sex life”. And she replied “ oh of course not I don’t tell anyone about what we do”.   Hmm well, so what about telling the delivery guy she liked anal sex?   I almost said something but didn’t to avoid breaking the peace. 😳

[mark clemson]

Probably some anxiety and distress and you are there conveniently to be vented on. I would guess that this happens to some degree in many, if not most LTRs as people are only human. However, she will probably experience a LOT of anxiety and distress (and other things mentioned above), so there may be a LOT of lashing out for you to have to deal with. Some of this may not be her fault, but nonetheless you're likely to have to deal with it.

One more red flag here.

On 5/23/2021 at 9:05 AM, Jonny80 said:

 I think if I choose to walk away its like saying she isn’t good enough or she doesn’t deserve to be happy...

Do YOU deserve to be happy?

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Probably some anxiety and distress and you are there conveniently to be vented on. I would guess that this happens to some degree in many, if not most LTRs as people are only human. However, she will probably experience a LOT of anxiety and distress (and other things mentioned above), so there may be a LOT of lashing out for you to have to deal with. Some of this may not be her fault, but nonetheless you're likely to have to deal with it.

One more red flag here.

Do YOU deserve to be happy?

Yes of course

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m not sure what the future holds, Iv forgiven her for the sex talk in the pub and I’m trying to concentrate on the positive side of things..

one thing that threw a little spanner in the works was today,  she’s having a birthday dinner with a female friend this week, I said the one who wears heels for her man, and she said yes she’s very open, so I said “don’t be open back and go telling her about our sex life”. And she replied “ oh of course not I don’t tell anyone about what we do”.   Hmm well, so what about telling the delivery guy she liked anal sex?   I almost said something but didn’t to avoid breaking the peace. 😳

What do you mean "I almost said something"?  You just did say something to disrupt the peace.

If you can't forgive her and move past this, it's time to end it.

[Jonny80]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What do you mean "I almost said something"?  You just did say something to disrupt the peace.

If you can't forgive her and move past this, it's time to end it.

No not to her I never...

she said she doesn’t talk about that kinda stuff to anybody,  I almost sarcastically said just anal sex with the delivery guy then..   for someone who states they don’t discuss our sex life with anyone that’s pretty close to being a contradiction.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 she’s having a birthday dinner with a female friend this week, I said the one who wears heels for her man, and she said yes she’s very open, so I said “don’t be open back and go telling her about our sex life”. 

This is where you said something.  

If you can't let this go, you will need to end the relationship.   Otherwise, the two of you are going to end up at each other's throats.