Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[Jonny80]

1 week ago I got engaged to my GF,  yesterday she invited me to go along to a pub to meet a male friend she has met before. He is currently single..  for 2 hours on and off he keeps talking about women he has met and women he’s currently talking to and talking about sex..

at one point my gf turns to me and say didn’t you tell your brother I like anal sex, er “no I replied” so this guy turns to my gf and say so do you like anal sex to which she replied yes.. we’ve only ever had anal sex once in 8 months and she even told me she’s not a fan of it as it doesn’t do much for her but she would do it..

this has dissapointed me and made me feel sick, it’s caused big issues between us,  when I first said it had upset me she said sorry..

an hour later I left to go home and it hit me hard, I felt terrible, I was asking my self was it right can I trust this person etc..

after telling her again of my concerns shesaid it was nothing, Iv already said sorry and you’re making this way to serious, but she later said it’s her body abs that we are to different people, I’m private and she’s an open person and that it’s her body and she won’t be controlled but she’s sorry if it offended me...

I feel like iv been cheated on, I can’t sleep, am I over reacting?  Is this normal or acceptable behaviour?

Should I accept it with a pinch of salt?

[basil67]

Sounds like the type of banter which can happen after a couple of drinks.   I can't see that there's anything to lose trust over.   Of course, there still remains the fact that the two of you don't agree on what's appropriate behaviour.   

Honestly, your previous post about your relationship had way more red flags.   Given that you've proposed, does this mean that you've arrived at stage of graciously accepting that this relationship won't involve a whole lot of sex?

Edited May 15, 2021 by basil67

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like the type of banter which can happen after a couple of drinks.   I can't see that there's anything to lose trust over.   Of course, there still remains the fact that the two of you don't agree on what's appropriate behaviour.   

Honestly, your previous post about your relationship had way more red flags.   Given that you've proposed, does this mean that you've arrived at stage of graciously accepting that this relationship won't involve a whole lot of sex?

Things have changed, I accepted things as they were due to illness and believed her when she said she loved me etc...   even she said no relationship was perfect and that there would be ups and downs..

 

in terms of her telling another guy she likes anal is like a massive shift.   The person Iv come to know during lock down is completely different from how’s she no acting out and about, she full of energy and flirtatious and constantly makes sexual remarks that makes her out to be someone different to who I see when at home alone..

so I’m lucky if we have sex once a week but she’s happy to tell another guy she likes anal?   

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 my gf turns to me and say didn’t you tell your brother I like anal sex, er “no I replied” so this guy turns to my gf and say so do you like anal sex to which she replied yes.. 

Your GF has no filter. Does she drink too much?

I wouldn't worry about some guy in a pub, I would worry about her compete lack of boundaries, common sense and drinking.

Consider dumping her. Not about having friends but about what a loose mouth she has.

 

[elaine567]

Unfortunately you fell for the sexy, adventurous flirtatious  persona, she puts on, but at home she is chronically sick and is not adventurous and limits sex with you  to once a week.
Here she rubbed that in your face in front of this other guy and that hurt and angered you.
You were already sore from the "rejection" but accepted it, and here she was trying a impress this other guy with her sexually liberated talk...
Was she clueless or was she really having a dig at you, or was she making a play for him?
Hard to say.

 

 

[Jonny80]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Unfortunately you fell for the sexy, adventurous flirtatious  persona, she puts on, but at home she is chronically sick and is not adventurous and limits sex with you  to once a week.
Here she rubbed that in your face in front of this other guy and that hurt and angered you.
You were already sore from the "rejection" but accepted it, and here she was trying a impress this other guy with her sexually liberated talk...
Was she clueless or was she really having a dig at you, or was she making a play for him?
Hard to say.

 

 

To be fair she wasn’t drunk as we only had 1 cider each..  she is definitely upfront and a direct person, I don’t know if she was trying to impress him..  I mean as she said this she had her legs over mine and her arm around me.   This guy was talking about being single and about women he could sleep with, he’s totally jack the lad at 40...

She did say sorry to me if it offended me but the more I said I was totally shocked she became defensive,  saying it’s her body and she won’t be controlled, how am I trying to control her?   I don’t think a lady who got engaged 1 week earlier should be having such conversations with another bloke.. even if he is so called a friend..

 

she said why would she risk losing me and upsetting her kids who apparently idolise me and would be upset.

I still feel kicked in the teeth 24hrs later.

[dramafreezone]

If this happened one time under the influence of alcohol, I would just let it pass.  I'd give her a pass even if it were one drink. 

That said, maybe don't reserve the church for the wedding just yet though.  If a pattern of behavior is established, then you need to have a serious talk with her.

Edited May 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

To be fair she wasn’t drunk as we only had 1 cider each..  she is definitely upfront and a direct person, I don’t know if she was trying to impress him.

Talking to guys in bars about anal sex is to impress guys? 

[Marc878]

Red flag. No filter and apparently no boundaries.

Better think before you leap into this.

[Marc878]

11 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

She did say sorry to me if it offended me but the more I said I was totally shocked she became defensive,  saying it’s her body and she won’t be controlled, how am I trying to control her?   I don’t think a lady who got engaged 1 week earlier should be having such conversations with another bloke.. even if he is so called a friend..

 

she said why would she risk losing me and upsetting her kids who apparently idolise me and would be upset.

I still feel kicked in the teeth 24hrs later.

She just informed you she’s going to do what she wants when she wants and you don’t matter all that much.

Id be  calling this this off permanently.

Her words and actions stink. 

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, Marc878 said:

She just informed you she’s going to do what she wants when she wants and you don’t matter all that much.

Id be  calling this this off permanently.

Her words and actions stink. 

I think you’re right,   I tried to talk to her about this calmly again today abs as pure usual she blows up flies of the handle..  it’s like Iv said sorry why are we talking about this again, I can’t handle all this stress she says, why can’t you just be happy and trust me, accept I’m a social person and that she open...

in one hand she says sorry then she says she can’t be herself because it will upset me and that it’s her body she can say what she wants and that she won’t be controlled,  please tell me someone? How am I controlling her by saying I was offended for her to tell some guy she likes anal? Wtf..  I don’t even disclose such information to my friends.  He even turned around at one point and said to my gf I think you’re lovely...  IMO opinion I think he thinks he’s impressing her..

They also said they were going to buy a pub together but didn’t for what ever reason but when I mentioned it last night, it was ffs cant you even take a joke,  they also mentioned something about driving miles away to look at a car for her to buy,  wtf!  Yet again when I asked about it all I got was ffs you really can’t take a joke everything is poor you, listen to your self she said, go away and pull your self together.  You’ve ruined another day I don’t want to be in your company tonight so don’t come round..

20 mins later I get a txt message saying come over but no more stress, I replied no you relax and have a chilled evening as Iv already ruined your week end apparently.   Then I get a txt no come over xxxx

i replied saying listening to you Iv ruined your week and week end apparently, I’m controlling you and stoping you from being you so I need some time to reflect and how I move forward..    I then get a message saying I love you Darling xxx followed by a message are you ok.

 

[basil67]

When she says that you're being controlling, she's saying that she feels like you're telling her to change who she is and how she interacts with others.   

You haven't told us exactly how you approached the issue, so I'm only guessing here - but my guess is that the problem occurred in your delivery.   I'm guessing that you were shocked and mad.  And when you got home, you told her that you were offended by her behaviour, that you find it inappropriate and don't want her behaving in that way again.  Would this be close to the mark?

Again, only guessing....but I wonder if things may have gone differently if you'd sat on it a bit and taken the time to come up with a different delivery.   Something like "hey, that oral sex conversation the other night.  I know that you're a fun and open person, but our sex life is very special to me and I really don't like having it shared with others"   See the difference between the two deliveries?   The first is telling her how to behave and will put her on the defensive.  The second avoids placing blame.  Instead it's telling her how you feel and leaving her the window to offer to fix it.  Because she is able to offer, she's not put on the defensive and doesn't feel controlled.  

Further, each time the issue is discussed, she's getting more and more defensive.   She did apologise the first time you brought it up, so how did the issue end up being raised again?   Was it a lame "sor-ry" like a petulant child and you didn't believe her?   Or did she bring it up because she felt controlled?   Or something else.  

51 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

They also said they were going to buy a pub together but didn’t for what ever reason but when I mentioned it last night, it was ffs cant you even take a joke,  they also mentioned something about driving miles away to look at a car for her to buy,  wtf!  Yet again when I asked about it all I got was ffs you really can’t take a joke .....

I don't understand what's going on here.  Is she hanging out with him?  Or making up stories to trigger you?   It's really weird and doing nothing to help the situation.  

Anyway, if you value the relationship, you need to find a way to deescalate this.   If you did approach the issue like a suggested it could have gone down, Perhaps something like "I approached this situation badly and I really hate when we butt heads. I'd really like if we could put all this behind us.  How about we go do something nice?"  And then DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.    

Edited May 16, 2021 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

On 5/14/2021 at 7:09 PM, Jonny80 said:

I’m private and she’s an open person

Well, you have different personalities.

Describe how the sex talk makes you uncomfortable. If you tell her she has to change her ways; expect some push-back.

Instead, express how you feel.

She may be entirely ignorant of her effect, whether deliberate or not, and how much it bothers you.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

When she says that you're being controlling, she's saying that she feels like you're telling her to change who she is and how she interacts with others.   

You haven't told us exactly how you approached the issue, so I'm only guessing here - but my guess is that the problem occurred in your delivery.   I'm guessing that you were shocked and mad.  And when you got home, you told her that you were offended by her behaviour, that you find it inappropriate and don't want her behaving in that way again.  Would this be close to the mark?

Again, only guessing....but I wonder if things may have gone differently if you'd sat on it a bit and taken the time to come up with a different delivery.   Something like "hey, that oral sex conversation the other night.  I know that you're a fun and open person, but our sex life is very special to me and I really don't like having it shared with others"   See the difference between the two deliveries?   The first is telling her how to behave and will put her on the defensive.  The second avoids placing blame.  Instead it's telling her how you feel and leaving her the window to offer to fix it.  Because she is able to offer, she's not put on the defensive and doesn't feel controlled.  

Further, each time the issue is discussed, she's getting more and more defensive.   She did apologise the first time you brought it up, so how did the issue end up being raised again?   Was it a lame "sor-ry" like a petulant child and you didn't believe her?   Or did she bring it up because she felt controlled?   Or something else.  

I don't understand what's going on here.  Is she hanging out with him?  Or making up stories to trigger you?   It's really weird and doing nothing to help the situation.  

Anyway, if you value the relationship, you need to find a way to deescalate this.   If you did approach the issue like a suggested it could have gone down, Perhaps something like "I approached this situation badly and I really hate when we butt heads. I'd really like if we could put all this behind us.  How about we go do something nice?"  And then DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.    

I didn’t get mad no, I did however say I feel upset about the conversation as like you said, our sex life is special and personal,  so after she had said sorry, she’s then following it up with it’s my body, it was harmless I won’t keep explaining my self, you’re a private person I’m a sociable open person I won’t be controlled...   so basically pissing all over the apology?

when I raised the issue last night. I said is it ok to talk about what happened Friday calmly and openly with you.  I got a yes and then she erupted like a volcano.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

When she says that you're being controlling, she's saying that she feels like you're telling her to change who she is and how she interacts with others.   

You haven't told us exactly how you approached the issue, so I'm only guessing here - but my guess is that the problem occurred in your delivery.   I'm guessing that you were shocked and mad.  And when you got home, you told her that you were offended by her behaviour, that you find it inappropriate and don't want her behaving in that way again.  Would this be close to the mark?

Again, only guessing....but I wonder if things may have gone differently if you'd sat on it a bit and taken the time to come up with a different delivery.   Something like "hey, that oral sex conversation the other night.  I know that you're a fun and open person, but our sex life is very special to me and I really don't like having it shared with others"   See the difference between the two deliveries?   The first is telling her how to behave and will put her on the defensive.  The second avoids placing blame.  Instead it's telling her how you feel and leaving her the window to offer to fix it.  Because she is able to offer, she's not put on the defensive and doesn't feel controlled.  

Further, each time the issue is discussed, she's getting more and more defensive.   She did apologise the first time you brought it up, so how did the issue end up being raised again?   Was it a lame "sor-ry" like a petulant child and you didn't believe her?   Or did she bring it up because she felt controlled?   Or something else.  

I don't understand what's going on here.  Is she hanging out with him?  Or making up stories to trigger you?   It's really weird and doing nothing to help the situation.  

Anyway, if you value the relationship, you need to find a way to deescalate this.   If you did approach the issue like a suggested it could have gone down, Perhaps something like "I approached this situation badly and I really hate when we butt heads. I'd really like if we could put all this behind us.  How about we go do something nice?"  And then DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.    

She’s known him for well over a year, because he delivers parcels to her door daily,  when lock down got lifted she met him down the pub one Friday,  last Friday was only the 2nd time they had met in the pub. He works as a chef after delivering etc..    they’ve only spoken previously when he delivers parcels..  so this meeting in a pub friendship has only started since lockdown lifted.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 he delivers parcels to her door daily,  when lock down got lifted she met him down the pub.

Are you sure parcels are all that he was delivering?

Don't you think it's odd that they started talking about anal sex? 

It's unclear what the appeal is here, perhaps the floozy thing is a turn on for you as well as Mr parcel?

Edited May 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

perhaps the floozy thing is a turn on for you

He has already admitted that the flirty sexually open person he first met was a huge attraction for him.
BUT he has also said the reality at home with her is far from that, as she is chronically sick, too busy and tired....

He is peeved that she is again "flaunting it" for the benefit of this guy in the same way she did for him. 
It is a bit of a slap in the face.
Jonny is now the guy that is putting up with a comparatively lacklustre sex life because he loves her...
He gets to watch, while she is apparently fluttering her eyelids at this other guy...

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I didn’t get mad no, I did however say I feel upset about the conversation as like you said, our sex life is special and personal,  so after she had said sorry, she’s then following it up with it’s my body, it was harmless I won’t keep explaining my self, you’re a private person I’m a sociable open person I won’t be controlled...   so basically pissing all over the apology?

when I raised the issue last night. I said is it ok to talk about what happened Friday calmly and openly with you.  I got a yes and then she erupted like a volcano.

Well, it's one thing to be sociable and open about stuff that pertains only to her -  but since the two of you are together in a presumably monogamous relationship, when she discusses her sex life with others, she's discussing your sex life too.  It's her body, sure - but her sex life since the two of you became exclusive is shared by the two of you.  It's your sex life too.  So in that sense, I think when you tell her you don't want her to discuss stuff like this socially you're laying down a personal boundary as opposed to being controlling.

Anything involving clashes of personal boundaries tends to make for a difficult conversation. Sorry isn't always the hardest word.  Sometimes it's the easiest way for people to avoid those difficult conversations.  It sounds to me as though you've tried to lay down a personal boundary, she's reacted with a combination of apologies and commentary about you being controlling...and it's left you with a feeling of dissatisfaction, that this issue you tried to raise with her hasn't really been resolved properly.  Which, from the sound of things, it hasn't.

[Jonny80]

32 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Well, it's one thing to be sociable and open about stuff that pertains only to her -  but since the two of you are together in a presumably monogamous relationship, when she discusses her sex life with others, she's discussing your sex life too.  It's her body, sure - but her sex life since the two of you became exclusive is shared by the two of you.  It's your sex life too.  So in that sense, I think when you tell her you don't want her to discuss stuff like this socially you're laying down a personal boundary as opposed to being controlling.

Anything involving clashes of personal boundaries tends to make for a difficult conversation. Sorry isn't always the hardest word.  Sometimes it's the easiest way for people to avoid those difficult conversations.  It sounds to me as though you've tried to lay down a personal boundary, she's reacted with a combination of apologies and commentary about you being controlling...and it's left you with a feeling of dissatisfaction, that this issue you tried to raise with her hasn't really been resolved properly.  Which, from the sound of things, it hasn't.

100% spot on..her actions or words don’t seem to go hand in hand with her apology, there’s no remorse or empathy being shown. 😳

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He has already admitted that the flirty sexually open person he first met was a huge attraction for him.
BUT he has also said the reality at home with her is far from that, as she is chronically sick, too busy and tired....

He is peeved that she is again "flaunting it" for the benefit of this guy in the same way she did for him. 
It is a bit of a slap in the face.
Jonny is now the guy that is putting up with a comparatively lacklustre sex life because he loves her...
He gets to watch, while she is apparently fluttering her eyelids at this other guy...

Again spot on summarisation..  if I end the relationship on the fact she thinks it’s acceptable to talk about our sex life and her body I’m still hurt and left upset..  it’s happened and nothing can change it no words, I feel betrayed almost but maybe I’m being over sensitive..

oh and the anal sex conversation wasn’t the only thing, she was also talking about a tight fitting dress which Would reveal her boobs and camel toe.  He sold her some garden clippers so She  said she likes to swim but all the trimming of last parts are a pain in the arse..  he just said I love swimming to we can go together.. wtf..

she’s invited me over for Sunday lunch but to be honest I feel to sick to eat and haven’t got the enthusiasm but I’ll go and see how things are face to face..

 

if I could end it with out being hurt I would so maybe she’s right I am a sensitive whimp😳

[Wiseman2]

To answer your question. No it's not acceptable to talk about anal sex with her delivery guy.

[basil67]

Given your most recent updates, I'm pretty sure she's on her way out of the relationship.  She's being picky because she's finding stuff annoying instead of endearing.  

[Uruktopi]

No matter who is right or wrong, you and your GF don´t seem to be compatible about both views on intimacy and interactions with others related to it.

That is not a minor side of relationships.

Looling at a conjectural future, you (both) may benefit seriously evaluating if you should remain together.

 

 

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Given your most recent updates, I'm pretty sure she's on her way out of the relationship.  She's being picky because she's finding stuff annoying instead of endearing.  

Really? We got engaged last Saturday, it was her who insisted I met her mate Richard at the pub on Friday.

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, Uruktopi said:

No matter who is right or wrong, you and your GF don´t seem to be compatible about both views on intimacy and interactions with others related to it.

That is not a minor side of relationships.

Looling at a conjectural future, you (both) may benefit seriously evaluating if you should remain together.

 

 

You could be right.