Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[Acacia98]

14 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Really? We got engaged last Saturday, it was her who insisted I met her mate Richard at the pub on Friday.

I'm inclined to think she's doing this deliberately, for whatever reason.

But even if I were wrong and she was just a clueless person with no filter, I'd say you two were incompatible. You have very different understandings of intimacy and boundaries. No way this relationship is going to work in the long term.

So you're not too sensitive (based on this one thread). You are who you are and you should honor that with your choices, including your relationship choices. She should also honor who she is with her relationship choices. That way, you get to be your authentic selves without feeling controlled or disrespected.

[Marc878]

Sorry man but this is a train wreck waiting to happen. I’d get off at the next stop.

[Jonny80]

20 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Sorry man but this is a train wreck waiting to happen. I’d get off at the next stop.

I feel like it’s already crashed.

 

I’m at hers now, she’s commenting I haven’t touched since I arrived and she’s asked for cuddles as she’s feeling unloved..

In respect of what happened Friday, I’m confident she genuinely loves me in some capacity, she did say this has turned her world upside down...

doesn’t explain her actions Friday yet tho.

[d0nnivain]

In your other thread in January you said 

Quote

 when I met my GF 5 months ago she was flirtatious and adventurous sexually, in fact she was one of the most forward people sexually Iv met..

So you met this woman in August 2020 during a world wide pandemic.  5 months later the sex dried up.   You should still be in the honeymoon phase.  For it to go wrong by then is a red flag.  Pay attention to that!

In addition she's got some disease that makes her tired, she has no income except breeding cats & she never initiates expecting you to do all the work to sustain the relationship.  

Now here you are complaining that the "most forward" person you ever knew sexually is having inappropriate conversations with other men in bars.  Hello -- but she is sexually adventurous.  You need to expect that anybody who can have all that adventurous sex wants to talk about all that sex.  It's part of who she is but now you are learning that you might not like that part of her.  You don't have to like it but you can't change it.  If you don't want to deal with this part of who she is, stop dating her.  

 

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

 We got engaged last Saturday. 

Now at 9 months you are engaged.  The sex has dried up & you are offended by her conversations in the pub with the guy who delivers parcels to her.  

Part of your problem is you are engaged to a woman you barely know.  You met her when the world was closed & nothing was normal.  You fell in love while you were in your own little bubble just the two of you when you had ZERO information about who she is outside of that bubble or how you two will interact with the world together.  Now as lockdowns ease, you are a getting a glimpse of who she really is & you don't like it. 

You are also overly dramatic.  All your statements about how you "ruined her weekend" are exaggerations.  Yes, you had a fight.  Yes, you were upset but she reached out in an effort to get passed this.  You blew her off because you wanted to sulk.  You wanted her to chase you.  You wanted her to say that she was sorry about talking about sex, she'll never talk to Richard again & now that she's going to be your wife she will do whatever you ask sexually but never discuss sex with anybody again & basically act like a s**t in the bedroom for you but present as some kind of meek virgin everywhere else.  

For you to get upset that she reminded you it's her body is problematic.  It IS her body.  It doesn't matter if she engaged in a certain sex act including anal with other men.  That does not mean she owes you sex or that you are entitled to sex or any given position.  So dial back your umbrage at that. No matter how much you protest & pout, it will always be her body & her choice.  If you don't like her choices, exercise your choices to end the relationship.  

 

You need to think long & hard about whether you want to follow through with this engagement.  I would not book one thing or buy any wedding related items (dress etc) until you have a deep talk with her about expectations.  You have to tell her how jealous & upset that conversation made you feel. You have to find out if she's always like that. Because you got engaged so quickly during this other worldly isolated experience that has been Covid you have to acknowledge that you two don't know each other well enough to move forward.  Honestly if you insist on trying to make this work, be engaged for at least 2+ years.  During the 1st year, just be.  Don't put down deposits.  Don't talk to people about a date.  Actually get to know each other because from my perspective you have a lot to learn & you are not compatible in the long run.  She's a selfish entitled woman & you are overlooking all of the bad stuff for some occasional good sex.  

Are you sure you genuinely love her or are you with her solely because you are lonely  & don't see other options?  

Edited May 16, 2021 by d0nnivain

[DKT3]

I think the real problem is when you expressed her actions made you feel uncomfortable she goes with the controlling stuff. I've found this is a go to by cheating women.  Farther she then attempts to manipulate you with the feeling unloved while knowing that you are upset by her pervious actions.  Those two things are very telling in how this relationship will play out.  

Nothing is guaranteed,  but I  would wager a large sum that she will make you increasingly uncomfortable....I believe she is grooming you to accept bad behavior.  Small things at first growing worse each time, pushing your boundaries.  You don't have alot of time invested here, yet plenty of issues, is it wise to continue?

[Jonny80]

The initial problems we had we sorted threw it and we were happy hence we got engaged..

 

Iv always known she’s social and she’s met plenty of male friends since we’ve been together with my loving consent..

but telling the delivery guy that asked her straight out do you like anal sex was going a bit far..

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

The initial problems we had we sorted threw it and we were happy hence we got engaged..

 

Iv always known she’s social and she’s met plenty of male friends since we’ve been together with my loving consent..

but telling the delivery guy that asked her straight out do you like anal sex was going a bit far..

I’m hoping to talk with her later proving she can keep her cool..

[Jonny80]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

  All your statements about how you "ruined her weekend" are exaggerations.

No,  she told me I had ruined her week end,  she blew up at me last Tuesday because I didn’t tell her son off. Which resulted in her calling me a peace of s***.  I basically said if she’s having trouble with the kids when I’m not present she needs to call the kids farther..

so with all that she’s told me Iv ruined all the excitement surrounding what was a very happy engagement..

[d0nnivain]

If this engagement is ruined ONE WEEK after it occurred, what does that tell you?  

You are moving waaaayyyyy too fast & overlooking serious red flags.  

[Marc878]

You are currently letting her drive this. Why? 
 

You are gonna get burned like a moth to a flame.
 

[Marc878]

37 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m hoping to talk with her later proving she can keep her cool..

Talk won’t correct this. Her actions will resurface and you’ll live as she dictates. Sounds like you’re already doing what she wants. Do you always live your life for others?

[Jonny80]

13 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Talk won’t correct this. Her actions will resurface and you’ll live as she dictates. Sounds like you’re already doing what she wants. Do you always live your life for others?

To be fair, I am one of life’s givers, I used to work 12 hrs a day 7 days a week to help keep my mates company afloat whilst he barely done a full day and never worked a week end...

I believe she’s faithful or has been so far, like Iv said seeing her out and witnessing this type of behaviour is a shock and I didn’t think she would be like this to anyone other than the man she’s in a relationship with...

if everyone said it’s acceptable behaviour and not to worry maybe it would be easier to accept and evolve but I personally don’t think it is.

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

To be fair, I am one of life’s givers, I used to work 12 hrs a day 7 days a week to help keep my mates company afloat whilst he barely done a full day and never worked a week end...

I believe she’s faithful or has been so far, like Iv said seeing her out and witnessing this type of behaviour is a shock and I didn’t think she would be like this to anyone other than the man she’s in a relationship with...

if everyone said it’s acceptable behaviour and not to worry maybe it would be easier to accept and evolve but I personally don’t think it is.

And this got you what? 
 

Sorry man but you need to learn that givers get taken.

Doormats get walked on.

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

if everyone said it’s acceptable behaviour and not to worry maybe it would be easier to accept and evolve but I personally don’t think it is.

I don't think she cheated but I don't know her or you. 

She's free to talk to anybody about any subject.  That said I agree with you that this subject in this context was crass, to say the least.  You are entitled to have boundaries.  If this crossed one of your boundaries, you need to think long & hard about whether you want to marry her because she does not respect that boundary & this is sure to reoccur.  Imagine how much worse it will be to hear your wife saying such things. 

[Sun Seeker]

Lucky to have sex once a week and you want to marry her... Why?

That's enough reason to NOT marry her and end things, not even thinking about her lack of boundaries with other people.

[Jonny80]

9 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

And this got you what? 
 

Sorry man but you need to learn that givers get taken.

Doormats get walked on.

I see the other side to her behind closed doors,  she can be very needy and loving, she’s very generous buying me gifts not that I need it, she is caring about my health and what I eat, she will always txt me or phone me if I leave it to long..

she has the stress of no income, 2 kids 1 of which is very ill and may need liver transplant and her illness which leaves her in pain hence she can’t just have sex everyday, her ex wanted her to have 3 sums and she wasn’t having any of it..

 she’s just said she’s an open person, maybe to open.. no ones perfect I guess..

maybe I do need to find away to move on especially if she thinks it’s acceptable to push my boundaries..

All these things I’m reading here is giving me an insight which I will be talking about with her when I get the chance.

 

I appreciate all the feed back

[d0nnivain]

How she behaves behind closed doors is what got you into this pickle.  You need to pay more attention to how she acts in public, which you don't have a lot of experience with. 

A woman who has no income & sick child with a dire illness has no business being materially generous.  The amount of packages she buys so this Richard, the delivery guy, comes over enough for her to know where he goes out drinking is telling too.  She is a spender.  

Forget the sex stuff for a minute.  What do you know about her level of financial responsibility or lack thereof?  More relationships break up over money then anything else.  

Your willingness to be a giver, to bust your ass for your friend's company while he relaxed knowing you were doing all the work leads me to believe that you are a patsy.  This woman will bleed you dry.  Proceed with extreme caution.  

[Marc878]

48 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I see the other side to her behind closed doors,  she can be very needy and loving, she’s very generous buying me gifts not that I need it, she is caring about my health and what I eat, she will always txt me or phone me if I leave it to long..

she has the stress of no income, 2 kids 1 of which is very ill and may need liver transplant and her illness which leaves her in pain hence she can’t just have sex everyday, her ex wanted her to have 3 sums and she wasn’t having any of it..

 she’s just said she’s an open person, maybe to open.. no ones perfect I guess..

maybe I do need to find away to move on especially if she thinks it’s acceptable to push my boundaries..

All these things I’m reading here is giving me an insight which I will be talking about with her when I get the chance.

 

I appreciate all the feed back

Always look at the facts/actions. Making excuses will just lull you into a false sense of security that won’t last long.

You’re here for a reason. Never try and justify unacceptable behavior.

[Marc878]

Being a giver is not a badge of honor. It’s a curse.

People will use and abused you if you allow it.

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

How she behaves behind closed doors is what got you into this pickle.  You need to pay more attention to how she acts in public, which you don't have a lot of experience with. 

A woman who has no income & sick child with a dire illness has no business being materially generous.  The amount of packages she buys so this Richard, the delivery guy, comes over enough for her to know where he goes out drinking is telling too.  She is a spender.  

Forget the sex stuff for a minute.  What do you know about her level of financial responsibility or lack thereof?  More relationships break up over money then anything else.  

Your willingness to be a giver, to bust your ass for your friend's company while he relaxed knowing you were doing all the work leads me to believe that you are a patsy.  This woman will bleed you dry.  Proceed with extreme caution.  

Thanks everyone, I’m not sure how this will pan out but I appreciate all your help and opinions, sad fact is most of what you say is accurate.

Iv got a lot of soul searching to do. 

[Marc878]

It’s your life too.

[Alpacalia]

Even if their friendship is purely platonic, she is acting inappropriately for a woman who is engaged. Newly engaged women are usually excited about their marriage and wedding planning, rather than hanging out with the package delivery man in pubs discussing her preferences regarding "fifth base," her "boobs," and her "camel toe."

Did she speak to you in this manner when you first met? If that's the case, she seems to believe she's still single.

[Jonny80]

35 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Even if their friendship is purely platonic, she is acting inappropriately for a woman who is engaged. Newly engaged women are usually excited about their marriage and wedding planning, rather than hanging out with the package delivery man in pubs discussing her preferences regarding "fifth base," her "boobs," and her "camel toe."

Did she speak to you in this manner when you first met? If that's the case, she seems to believe she's still single.

Well I remember on our first date she said what would you do to me if you had me alone.  I thought it was forward and a bit taken back by it.

 

iv since found out them forward words don’t mean much as she never backed them up as it isn’t our sex life that I like about her,  she does have a caring loving side which I love about here, she’s just not a perfect package but neither am I. I just dont ask other people girl friends if they like anal or any sex for that matter.

Edited May 16, 2021 by Jonny80
Extra

[Alpacalia]

54 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

iv since found out them forward words don’t mean much as she never backed them up as it isn’t our sex life that I like about her,  she does have a caring loving side which I love about here, she’s just not a perfect package but neither am I. I just dont ask other people girl friends if they like anal or any sex for that matter.

So, I suppose you'll have to think about it for a little while.

Perhaps you can reconcile the opposing viewpoints on what constitutes friendly banter.

But, perhaps you can't.

[MsJayne]

She sat in a pub telling some guy friend that she takes it up the clacker?! The Embarrassment-Ometer just exited the stratosphere. I say run before she rents out a highway billboard to announce that she enjoys bestiality.